Feel used

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Don't allow yourselves to be blackmailed like this. Make sure YOU have something arranged more often so it's not convenient in YOUR life to drop everything!

I look after my grandchildren when needed, most of the time there no trouble as always on their iPads or phones, and do stay over which I’m grateful that they do as it’s bloody lonely, as for money they’ve had quite a lot as both have had partners who are not reliable, eldest daughters partner moved into his girl friends place after seeing her for 3 weeks, and very rarely see his own children, mostly dumps them of with his parents, or just leaves them with his new g/f kids who they don’t really now, what a life they lead the younger generation have, I tell them I’m glad to help as I hope they look after me when needed, with 3 strokes and copd am managing at moment but you never now what tomorrow brings plus I get to sit there dog he’s always glad to see me.

This is such a widespread problem. Like you I am in a catch 22 situation. I love my one and only granddaughter to bits so will do anything for her. To see her and spend time with her.
The help is rarely forthcoming the other way round. A lot of people think it is a new generation thing. I think it's because we spoilt our children so they expect so much.

At the beginning of each month when I see my family, I get my calendar out and ask when I might be needed by them (babysitting, etc) so that I don’t ‘do my own thing’. Of course I don’t stick to it rigidly, but at least it lets them know that I have a life too.

Like other posters here I want to see my grandchildren so do babysit, one day, after school. That is two of them but the third is too far . I also give money when it is needed, for the children's sake and daughter too. My mother did help as well, but I was nicer to her and she saw more of us socially. Probably my own fault in some ways partly. I also get tired now, which I think is another post today. So I only do alternate weeks. Grandpa does the other week. Daughter's suggestion. And they go to a minder after school other days. And could do if I can't do it. I do help though if one is ill and needs day care as daughter works. She's divorced and the father is mostly out of the country. I get email instructions . Bath her is not so bad but last time was hair wash too.

Well I can assure you that many are not like that. We have never asked either of our parents for money; babysitting (on rare occasions) was by mutual agreement and we didnt expect them to drop other arrangements!

Whenever I'm asked to childmind, long or short notice, I do my level best to re-jig my diary. The joy of seeing them is too great to miss. Sometimes it's just not possible but that's my disappointment and returns to being their dilemma. Happily, haven't had the financial experience (yet!!!) and don't expect to so cannot comment.

Babysitting
Sorry i am at my class/theatre/watching a film that evening (you have a life)
You are being inconvenienced and used because they are fitting in with childless friends ?!
Money
Will need this back by august for my trip to ...
Say can you pay back monthly ?
Get a little payment accounts book
As othets have said it is up to you how you allow people to treat you

Babysitting and lending money that is not returned are 2 different things. Tackle one at a time. Tell your AC money is tight and you are having to watch the pennies. If they ask to borrow money tell them all spare money is tied up in bonds for a year and you would lose all interest so can't access it. If you have money around you could open a savings account of this type. If you don't have money sloshing around you won't be able to lend it. Be firm and don't be persuaded to withdraw it. Tell them you are saving for something. Let them know in advance days times you will not be available to babysit. I am having my hair done Tuesday morning. I thought I would mention it so you know I can't babysit then. I am going out for coffee with X on Thursday morning. Saturday morning we are out all morning but it would be nice to see GC in afternoon. Take back control of your life. No need to be unpleasant but be assertive. Decide in advance if there is anything you would be prepared to lend money for eg car breaks so they can't get to work. But tell them how much they need to repay each month and ask them to set up dd so you don't have to keep asking yhem. Only lend if they agree and gently remind them they have not repaid you for previous loans yet. Make it clear if they do not repay this time no more loans ever.

They wont realise that they are taking advantage of you, and dropping it on you without notice, until you do say no!
Next time they ring without notice tell them you are not available, or if they come round, say that you are just going out. Go out, even if it means a supermarket trip you weren't planning, or going to see a film you are not interested in. They probably have no idea what they are doing, and won't until you are unavailable - you don't work, so OBVIOUSLY have nothing else to do with your time!

We only have one GC but asked to be given at least a days notice when needed to babysit.Our daughter understood that we also had a life.Of course if it was an emergency no problem.
Just ask them to plan ahead.Unless you say something they are unaware of how you feel.

You need to say to them that you love babysitting , but you do have a life as well, so would like some notice beforehand - I was going to say unless it is an emergency, but I would guess that every time would become one.
They are two adults that chose to become parents and it is up to them to organise their own childcare between them, not expect everybody else to drop everything.
As far as money - suggest they see someone at their bank or Citizens Advice to work out a budget. Again tell them that you also have bills to pay so unless they start paying back some of the "loans" at some point. no more will be forthcoming!
None of us I would guess mind loaning money when it's an emergency, but when it keeps happening, it is time to say no.

I don’t understand?
What are you asking?... to babysit? And they want you to drop everything? Or is this more about confirming babysitting?
Also, are money requests sudden and urgent too?

It's so easy isn't it - 'just say no'!!! If ONLY it was that easy!
Bless you Loulou - we are in the same position and to be honest, if we didn't make ourselves available for childcare we wouldn't ever see our precious grandchildren, so basically they have us over a barrel!
As far as money is concerned - help if you can, but only if it's important. We have started saying 'No' as their priorities are ridiculous compared to our common sense living!
Our eldest GC are grown up so, although they are far better at keeping in touch with us than their mother (!), we don't see much of them.
Both of our sons have married two women - wife and MILs so we rarely see one set of GC, and, like you, are called on for childcare care only when MIL isn't available!
Sadly it is the selfish society we live in, so all I can suggest is that you do as we are - enjoy whatever contact you can with the GC as they will soon be too old for childcare, BUT do say 'No' every now and again, just to let them know you do have a life as well.
It's so so hard I know and you do have my deepest sympathy - we are in a catch 22 situation
You will need to vent though so keep in touch!

I think you need to stop being so accommodating. Just the once say ‘no’ but nicely. And as far as the money goes ask ‘is this a loan you are asking for?’

There’s a big difference between helping out and allowing people to take you for granted.

I mean Tedber - sorry !

I agree with Tedbear.
Have you actually talked to your children about how you feel? These situations can fester, with resentment building up on both sides ....not pleasant.

My kids will check with me if it's important to them (an appointment, maybe, or something they have to book) but otherwise, they're welcome to turn up on the off chance.

If I'm available, I'll babysit, if not, I won't. I'm not expected to cancel my arrangements. They know that they can pop in at any time.

If they need money, I'll help them out. That's what families are for!

My own mother had MH problems. We had to ask, well in advance, to visit. My parents didn't help with grandchildren (I didn't ask after the first babysitting disaster) and never offered to help out financially either. I wouldn't want my lot to feel as unwanted as I did.

I agree with timetogo, probably more to do with being thoughtless than unkind.

You have probably, out of a desire to help, made yourself available whenever they call, and now they accept it as the norm.

Just let them know, that a little appreciation goes a long way, and you do actually have a life of your own.

Why would you allow your Son to treat you with such disrespect, he doesnt see you as a person, he see's you as a bank and childcare centre

I have heard that so many times Loulou31 so your not alone.
I don`t think they do it on purpose they just don`t think as you're their mom/Grandma and you're always available.
I would take it as a complement myself but I do understand where you're coming from.

If you enjoy looking after the children and have nothing else arranged what is the problem. If you have other activities arranged just say sorry I cant.
Maybe you just prefer chilling out at home.

It’s a fine line between wanting to help, and making yourself available, and being taken total advantage of.

I do quite a lot for my local daughter, but it can’t get out of hand because I still work. I have her children on my day off, and help out at the weekend with clubs and parties. I also pay for quite a few things, but that’s for the children’s sake.

Her situation is hard, but also of her own making, she works full time, her partner is completely useless, and contributes absolutely nothing to the running of the household, so we always feel sorry for, and do more than we really want to.

She’s always grateful, she doesn’t drop the children and run, we see lots of her, and have a very close relationship with the children.

Do I want to give up so much time? Not really, but I love them all, and if I can help I will. I suppose it’s my job, my daughter has made some really bad choices, and her life is chaotic, but I’ll do what I can for her.

Woha... back track....your son and DIL expect you to baby sit without notice? How often? Constantly? Definitely a no-no.
But what is the reference to money?

First off, let them know you will be happy to babysit when it suits you. You are not available at the drop of a hat!

Secondly, stop handing out any money! Unless it is a major emergency issue which you agree to help with and either you agree to GIVE OR you lend with a written repayment plan!

People can only treat you as you allow them to treat you.