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Feel used

(54 Posts)
Loulou31 Mon 20-Jan-20 20:57:19

AIBU to expect DIL and son to let us know in advance when we are needed to babysit or whatever in advance without me having to keep asking . To not expect to turn up to stay with relatives who have offered without confirming or giving notice. The excuse seems to be they have so much going on and as others have no children they must have plenty of time to drop everything whenever to accommodate them. They only seem to contact us is when they want something,usually money which we never get back. But because of the kids I can't say no, just get so stressed and feel so hurt as well.
Sorry for the rant

rosenoir Mon 20-Jan-20 21:49:42

Hope you feel a bit better after venting, children never stop being frustrating.

People will treat you the way you let them, gradually start saying no, start with the small things it will be easier.

SANDY2020 Mon 20-Jan-20 22:05:16

I understand where your coming from but if you cannot help your kids who can you help babysitting maybe only when told in advance unless a emergency yes but to lend money etc if you can afford it yes if not in s position to u need to explain and say no I'd be lost without the help if my mum and u help ger when I can sge recently had a operation I did all her shopping running round for weeks that's what family fir!!!

H1954 Mon 20-Jan-20 22:16:46

No, I don't think so! It's lovely, as grandparents to be able to help the AC and GC but it has to be said that we all have a life and I don't thinks it's acceptable for anyone to assume we will be available at a moments notice. Don't get me wrong, my AC have phoned to ask for help with the school run or a medical appointment etc and I'm more than happy to help, but they HAVE called in advance of the events! However, they don't just come over with the kiddies and expect me to drop everything so they can go out socialising. My AC accept that I have my own responsibilities to various charities and they respect me for it and embrace the work I do. I saddens and annoys me that people thinks it ok to walk all over their parents and take then for granted!

Tedber Mon 20-Jan-20 22:49:10

Woha... back track....your son and DIL expect you to baby sit without notice? How often? Constantly? Definitely a no-no.
But what is the reference to money?

First off, let them know you will be happy to babysit when it suits you. You are not available at the drop of a hat!

Secondly, stop handing out any money! Unless it is a major emergency issue which you agree to help with and either you agree to GIVE OR you lend with a written repayment plan!

People can only treat you as you allow them to treat you.

Sara65 Tue 21-Jan-20 06:57:35

It’s a fine line between wanting to help, and making yourself available, and being taken total advantage of.

I do quite a lot for my local daughter, but it can’t get out of hand because I still work. I have her children on my day off, and help out at the weekend with clubs and parties. I also pay for quite a few things, but that’s for the children’s sake.

Her situation is hard, but also of her own making, she works full time, her partner is completely useless, and contributes absolutely nothing to the running of the household, so we always feel sorry for, and do more than we really want to.

She’s always grateful, she doesn’t drop the children and run, we see lots of her, and have a very close relationship with the children.

Do I want to give up so much time? Not really, but I love them all, and if I can help I will. I suppose it’s my job, my daughter has made some really bad choices, and her life is chaotic, but I’ll do what I can for her.

Davidhs Tue 21-Jan-20 08:16:12

If you enjoy looking after the children and have nothing else arranged what is the problem. If you have other activities arranged just say sorry I cant.
Maybe you just prefer chilling out at home.

timetogo2016 Tue 21-Jan-20 08:25:26

I have heard that so many times Loulou31 so your not alone.
I don`t think they do it on purpose they just don`t think as you're their mom/Grandma and you're always available.
I would take it as a complement myself but I do understand where you're coming from.

grannypiper Tue 21-Jan-20 08:29:36

Why would you allow your Son to treat you with such disrespect, he doesnt see you as a person, he see's you as a bank and childcare centre

Sara65 Tue 21-Jan-20 08:44:54

I agree with timetogo, probably more to do with being thoughtless than unkind.

You have probably, out of a desire to help, made yourself available whenever they call, and now they accept it as the norm.

Just let them know, that a little appreciation goes a long way, and you do actually have a life of your own.

Hetty58 Tue 21-Jan-20 09:16:33

My kids will check with me if it's important to them (an appointment, maybe, or something they have to book) but otherwise, they're welcome to turn up on the off chance.

If I'm available, I'll babysit, if not, I won't. I'm not expected to cancel my arrangements. They know that they can pop in at any time.

If they need money, I'll help them out. That's what families are for!

My own mother had MH problems. We had to ask, well in advance, to visit. My parents didn't help with grandchildren (I didn't ask after the first babysitting disaster) and never offered to help out financially either. I wouldn't want my lot to feel as unwanted as I did.

curvygran950 Tue 21-Jan-20 09:19:08

I agree with Tedbear.
Have you actually talked to your children about how you feel? These situations can fester, with resentment building up on both sides ....not pleasant.

curvygran950 Tue 21-Jan-20 09:21:00

I mean Tedber - sorry !

Yehbutnobut Tue 21-Jan-20 09:21:45

I think you need to stop being so accommodating. Just the once say ‘no’ but nicely. And as far as the money goes ask ‘is this a loan you are asking for?’

There’s a big difference between helping out and allowing people to take you for granted.

fourormore Tue 21-Jan-20 10:00:23

It's so easy isn't it - 'just say no'!!! If ONLY it was that easy!
Bless you Loulou - we are in the same position and to be honest, if we didn't make ourselves available for childcare we wouldn't ever see our precious grandchildren, so basically they have us over a barrel!
As far as money is concerned - help if you can, but only if it's important. We have started saying 'No' as their priorities are ridiculous compared to our common sense living!
Our eldest GC are grown up so, although they are far better at keeping in touch with us than their mother (!), we don't see much of them.
Both of our sons have married two women - wife and MILs so we rarely see one set of GC, and, like you, are called on for childcare care only when MIL isn't available!
Sadly it is the selfish society we live in, so all I can suggest is that you do as we are - enjoy whatever contact you can with the GC as they will soon be too old for childcare, BUT do say 'No' every now and again, just to let them know you do have a life as well.
It's so so hard I know and you do have my deepest sympathy - we are in a catch 22 situation flowers
You will need to vent though so keep in touch!

NotSpaghetti Tue 21-Jan-20 10:05:54

I don’t understand?
What are you asking?... to babysit? And they want you to drop everything? Or is this more about confirming babysitting?
Also, are money requests sudden and urgent too?

jaylucy Tue 21-Jan-20 10:18:06

You need to say to them that you love babysitting , but you do have a life as well, so would like some notice beforehand - I was going to say unless it is an emergency, but I would guess that every time would become one.
They are two adults that chose to become parents and it is up to them to organise their own childcare between them, not expect everybody else to drop everything.
As far as money - suggest they see someone at their bank or Citizens Advice to work out a budget. Again tell them that you also have bills to pay so unless they start paying back some of the "loans" at some point. no more will be forthcoming!
None of us I would guess mind loaning money when it's an emergency, but when it keeps happening, it is time to say no.

Mal44 Tue 21-Jan-20 10:38:20

We only have one GC but asked to be given at least a days notice when needed to babysit.Our daughter understood that we also had a life.Of course if it was an emergency no problem.
Just ask them to plan ahead.Unless you say something they are unaware of how you feel.

rowanflower0 Tue 21-Jan-20 10:41:23

They wont realise that they are taking advantage of you, and dropping it on you without notice, until you do say no!
Next time they ring without notice tell them you are not available, or if they come round, say that you are just going out. Go out, even if it means a supermarket trip you weren't planning, or going to see a film you are not interested in. They probably have no idea what they are doing, and won't until you are unavailable - you don't work, so OBVIOUSLY have nothing else to do with your time!

newnanny Tue 21-Jan-20 10:47:57

Babysitting and lending money that is not returned are 2 different things. Tackle one at a time. Tell your AC money is tight and you are having to watch the pennies. If they ask to borrow money tell them all spare money is tied up in bonds for a year and you would lose all interest so can't access it. If you have money around you could open a savings account of this type. If you don't have money sloshing around you won't be able to lend it. Be firm and don't be persuaded to withdraw it. Tell them you are saving for something. Let them know in advance days times you will not be available to babysit. I am having my hair done Tuesday morning. I thought I would mention it so you know I can't babysit then. I am going out for coffee with X on Thursday morning. Saturday morning we are out all morning but it would be nice to see GC in afternoon. Take back control of your life. No need to be unpleasant but be assertive. Decide in advance if there is anything you would be prepared to lend money for eg car breaks so they can't get to work. But tell them how much they need to repay each month and ask them to set up dd so you don't have to keep asking yhem. Only lend if they agree and gently remind them they have not repaid you for previous loans yet. Make it clear if they do not repay this time no more loans ever.

Notthatoldyet9 Tue 21-Jan-20 10:54:51

Sorry i am at my class/theatre/watching a film that evening (you have a life)
You are being inconvenienced and used because they are fitting in with childless friends ?!
Will need this back by august for my trip to ...
Say can you pay back monthly ?
Get a little payment accounts book
As othets have said it is up to you how you allow people to treat you

Kim19 Tue 21-Jan-20 11:03:38

Whenever I'm asked to childmind, long or short notice, I do my level best to re-jig my diary. The joy of seeing them is too great to miss. Sometimes it's just not possible but that's my disappointment and returns to being their dilemma. Happily, haven't had the financial experience (yet!!!) and don't expect to so cannot comment.

Riggie Tue 21-Jan-20 11:17:46

Well I can assure you that many are not like that. We have never asked either of our parents for money; babysitting (on rare occasions) was by mutual agreement and we didnt expect them to drop other arrangements!

vickya Tue 21-Jan-20 11:18:49

Like other posters here I want to see my grandchildren so do babysit, one day, after school. That is two of them but the third is too far sad . I also give money when it is needed, for the children's sake and daughter too. My mother did help as well, but I was nicer to her and she saw more of us socially. Probably my own fault in some ways partly. I also get tired now, which I think is another post today. So I only do alternate weeks. Grandpa does the other week. Daughter's suggestion. And they go to a minder after school other days. And could do if I can't do it. I do help though if one is ill and needs day care as daughter works. She's divorced and the father is mostly out of the country. I get email instructions smile. Bath her is not so bad but last time was hair wash too.

Aepgirl Tue 21-Jan-20 11:20:32

At the beginning of each month when I see my family, I get my calendar out and ask when I might be needed by them (babysitting, etc) so that I don’t ‘do my own thing’. Of course I don’t stick to it rigidly, but at least it lets them know that I have a life too.