Partner has pics of ex wife on Facebook

Just don't look at them. My younger son has a new partner but I still have family photographs from our other son's wedding which include younger son's separated wife . She is the mother of our grandchildren and part of our history. I have removed his wedding photos but see no reason to change others. My photo albums are full of family groups and the two of them together. His new partner and his wife are no threat to each other and get on well, including outings with the children. Life moves on and unless there is a harmful reason we need to exist around one another for everyone's sake. Our Grandchildren and son's partner's children all get on well because of their efforts.

Really, there's no need to worry. Almost everyone in the older age group will have had previous partners and many remain still fairly friendly with them when they have moved on with new partners, especially if there are children. I am sure your partner is now happy to be with you and thinks of his previous wife now as just the mother of his kids, rather than having any romantic feelings for her. You are just feeling a bit insecure because your relationship is young. As time goes on you will feel better and realise it is unfounded. I know this as a woman who has been married twice and my second husband was actually a bit like you, very insecure, for the first couple of years. He hated it if I ever mentioned my first husband in passing. He didn't even like me to say his name, and he wouldn't say it either. We had to refer to him as "whatsisname" if we had to, and preferably not at all. So how silly was that? I had to get rid of any photos of hubby 1. There were no children with my first husband - but second hubby and I have a grown up daughter and have been together for over 30 years now and I think he's convinced by now that I love HIM!

Just to make it clear it is not a demand I have the the does this - we have discussed it and he knows I’m uncomfortable with it. He has tried to remove the tag but somehow it’s still on his Facebook page - any advice on how he can do this as I’ve scoured the Facebook guidance pages and there is nothing about how to remove it from others’ view - he can’t see it from his side but it’s out there to others.

To everyone who has taken the time to respond, thank you for your views. It has been very helpful to know that there are as many opinions on this as there are replies. It has helped me find a place I’m happy with - of course the whole story would be way too long and inappropriate to post but I have the gist of what people think - basically, I will suck it up, proceed with caution and work on myself. Thanks everyone!

You can remove tags from other peoples pictures on Facebook as long as it’s you who has been tagged and then you wouldn’t see them

I can understand the feeling but I think it would be wrong to act on it. Perhaps you could Unfollow this friend (not as drastic as unfriending it just stops her stuff coming up on your feed) You need a break from seeing these images to give you a chance to get it back into proportion. At the moment your feelings are fueling themselves each time they are triggered!

You have said that the only way to remove the pictures is to ask his friends to do it (presumably the pictures originate on their accounts)?

So I think, yes you are being very unreasonable. Its not for you (or your partner) to tell them what photos they can have!!

Wow! I’m totally thrown by Juicylucys post.How controlling is that!

Actually OP I was a bit disconcerted by you wanting him to ask a friend to remove pictures. If I was his friend and got that demand Id be saying to him ‘Get out, get out!”

But a bit later it sounds as if he is the one doing some controlling.

It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship all round.

The good and easy thing here is even if he has been tagged in it. He can actually remove the tag himself and he doesn't have to ask his friend to

Its not too late to step back and go back to the "good part" of dating where you live separately and every time you see each other is an event.

Let him establish himself as a divorcee and give you both time to date and get to know each other and let it "bloom"

If its YOU not the home he is interested he might see the apeal of "dating" a bit longer because dating is the sexy stage

If these photos that upset you so much are on a mutual friend's Facebook page and the only reason that you can see them are because your partner is tagged on them, I think you have a problem.
As others have said, he has a past and obviously cared deeply for his ex wife at some point - you have to accept that and move on.
Photos from his parent's home - sorry, but it isn't a shrine. It is their memories and past of their son's life and their family, so I can't understand why you think it is a shrine? Rude to say that you consider it cluttered - well known fact that a lot of grandparents keep anything and everything from years ago often for purely sentimental reasons.
In a nutshell, I think that what you are trying to do is not only remove your OH's memories, but everyone else that is connected to his ex in anyway. It really isn't your call. You need to appreciate that he is with you now. If you can't, sorry, but I can see that your relationship will not last too much longer.

Let it go! Your post says a lot about you and your insecurities. Work on your own self confidence.

Yes you ABU...they share children together & they have mutual friends. How can you expect him to ask his friend to remove them?? Its ridiculous

I certainly wouldn’t have him go to the former home to visit the adult children

Because its where his adult children live. Its there home too. There is nothing wrong or even unusual about him visiting. Its good that he does. He sounds like a decent dad who is overcoming his personal anger to keep normality going for the wider family.

OP you've jumped the gun and imagined yourself as a central/permanant fixture in what is a fledgling relationship. And I think he is partly to blame for this by moving in with you too soon. He should have established himself independantly and then given your relationship time to grow naturally first.

I would be very suspicous of his motives. Did he want you or just any convenient home maker?

Thank you juicylucy - there is something distasteful about his visits and I am not taking the high ground but I think I’m being understanding of the situation so I feel he should understand, maybe not like - my occasional hurt, that’s where he needs to understand my insecurities at, yes, the speed and convenience (to him) of his moving in. He said at the outset he wanted a committed relationship not a “lodgings” situation. I know it’s always complex when there is “baggage” for want of a better description. Perhaps notanan the real issue is my feeling insecure about the possibility of being used or convenient. But I know that I am way more complex than that - and that is just one part of it! I must sound like a bag of neuroses but honestly I am quite “normal” (on the surface!). My worst nightmare would be seen to be a bunny boiler. Please tell me it isn’t so!

You will never be able to erase his ex-wife and children from his life and you will lose him if you try. Accept that he has a shared past with this woman. The photos on Facebook are an irrelevance, just something which is bringing your insecurities to the surface. I’m glad to hear you are getting help and support and I hope you find happiness.

I’d be upset by these pictures being posted as well. But I think you should let it go and maybe post some pictures of the 2 of you on there just to level it out.
I certainly wouldn’t have him go to the former home to visit the adult children... why can’t they come to you, or why can’t he take them out. You are not unreasonable at all.

You don't own your spouse or partner.

To be honest I wouldnt even class someone as a "partner" if they've only been around a year. Thats still boyfriend/girlfriend territory not life partner

I think he has done the right thing by not entertaining your "feisyness" about the bridges he's building with his co-parent and kids.

But I think you also might have been slightly used re the moving in together so soon. I agree with another poster that that may have been motivated by convenience and not a desire to make your relationship more serious or committed.

It is unreasonable for any second spouse or partner to be so possessive that they are unable to accept their partner's past loves. You don't own your spouse or partner. If you really appreciate them you will not try to separate them from a previous partner or spouse that they may prefer to honour.

I think if anyone was "feisty" about how I lived my life in the first year of a new relationship, I would swiftly nip that in the bud too!

If hes directly unkind to you of course stick up for yourself, but youre new on the scene and telling him you dont like his relationships with the established people in his life should be a red flag for him

Why did he move in so soon? Did he not have a place of his own?

I think the moving in part has maybe confused you re how serious this relationship is. Its very early days I do think you should back off a bit and concentrate on your own life as you say.

Thank you for picking up on this urmstongran, river walk and TerriBull - I think the liberating feeling of airing my ‘feisty’ side as you’ve put it (love it!) has been countenanced by his slight disdain and his willingness to pull away and this has made me at the same time sit up and take stock but to also feel concerned at his blasé attitude. I want to ignore his attitude to my vocalised insecurities and push through to find a place that’s comfortable for me and if my journey involves him which I hope it does that’s good and we can grow stronger. But what really matters is my work with me - I know it’s my issue - I do love him but I can’t focus on keeping him when I should be focussed on sorting my head. And whilst writing this my counselling appointment has just pinged so that’s good but I have to say the mixed views here have been invaluable in helping me to find a different perspective. I crave, desire and seek others’ views as I know that I can be very inwardly focussed and insular. There is something very therapeutic about this!

I’m afraid. I’m with Riverwalk on this. A whirlwind romance and he’s moved in with you. Convenient for him much? Understandably you are looking for commitment on his part and this set up not being a case of ‘wherever I lay my hat that’s my home’.

You tried being a bit feisty and realised you’d pushed your luck so chose to back off and thereby not issue ultimatums or scare him away. Eggshells come to mind.

It’s early days. Go with the flow better, watch and wait and don’t be too needy is my advice. And stay away from FB if it upsets you. Why pick at a scab?

I'm not on FB, I'm glad it's all a mystery to me.

I got together with my husband before social media existed. We were both 2nd time arounders. He had children and his grandchildren came along soon after we had our children together. So he had quite a lot of baggage from his marriage and I just had my cat from mine. We now also have grandchildren together. I was always in a very lucky position to get on with his children, sadly one of them died, but I regard my step-daughter, step-daughter in law, and step grandchildren as the very best of friends. When his parents were alive we went there often and they did have a picture of my husband, ex wife and themselves sitting around a table in evening wear at some function they all went to, quite honestly it didn't bother me, everyone has a past and I don't think it should be air brushed out. Somewhere in our house I have photos in an album of me and my ex, and of course, as they were a family my husband has a lot of his children growing up which include their mother. That's the way it is. All I would say, it seems to me that FB could drive anyone slowly mad in all sorts of way, I think the word used by you "fixated" is the key here, it's a bit like smoking, I'm glad I never took it up, but at it's worst FB seems pretty addictive in some ways with harmful effects. Try and wean yourself off it. I wish you happiness OP.

When people have children together, there will likely be grandchildren, and whether divorced or not, a new partner or wife will have to adjust herself to this continuing growing family OR drive herself mad.

Better to bite the bullet now.

Hmm wonder why you feel so insecure? Only you can answer that question. On another note, once you have a child with someone you are in a way connected for good. Whether together or not. That is a fact of life. If it really bothers you, don't go on Facebook. Your partner and his ex have had a past life together, for your own sanity you really have to accept that. He has unfriended the ex, that is the main thing.