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AIBU

Partner has pics of ex wife on Facebook

(142 Posts)
Mambypamby Sun 26-Jan-20 22:30:52

Please could I ask this lovely supportive community for their perspective? My partner is divorced - he was separated when I met him and after a whirlwind romance he has been living with me for a year. All together he has been separated/divorced for about three years. He has unfriended the ex from his social media and removed all pics but I have noticed that the pics that were tagged by a mutual friend are still there with no way of removing other than asking said friend to do so. Now, I regularly have to look at pics of him and the ex and their kids at his parents’ home which is a cluttered shrine to the past but I understand that she is still the mother of their grandchildren and I can avert my gaze and carry on. However I am now fixated on the pics on Facebook. I’ve asked my partner to ask the friend to remove. I’m constantly tempted to check if he’s done this. I don’t want to drive him mad but it is driving me mad! He assured me and I trust that there is no love or feeling between them - from his part in any case, and he tells me when there is any contact for things to do with the adult children and their joint home which she and the children live in. My resentment is compounded by the fact that he visits his kids in the house. Trying to be as adult about it but AIBU? Please help!

crazyH Sun 26-Jan-20 22:43:18

No, you are not unreasonable. Very insensitive of your friend to have those pictures floating around on her FB page. In the early days, my ex's new wife didnt even like him to put photos of our children around his living room. But I think that has changed and he does have a couple of framed photos of the children.
They are not on FB, I'm pleased to say.

notanan2 Sun 26-Jan-20 22:44:59

His life prior to you doesnt get erased just because youre on the scene. They share a past. They always will. If youre not ready to be with someone who had a life before you then youre just not ready to be with anyone.

They arent in a romantic relationship but they are in a relationship as parents. Theyre family. Forever.

notanan2 Sun 26-Jan-20 22:48:06

You've only been on the scene a shor time. Most of the times his friends spend with him will have been when he was with her. They are not UR to share memories and pics that go back more than 1yr only.

P.s. the GPs house is not a "shrine to the past". She is family present and future tense too as his co parent, the childrens mum, and the grandkids mum.

She cant be put away in a box and hidden in the attic

rosecarmel Sun 26-Jan-20 22:53:06

Your feelings arent unreasonable, there's nothing preventing you from checking to see if the image was removed, nothing preventing you from discussing the matter with him if it wasn't- He's your partner-

Hetty58 Sun 26-Jan-20 22:53:30

My DIL is just like this about my son's ex. They have no shared children but the ex is still good friends with my daughters. We are not allowed to mention her when DIL is present - quite ridiculous!

Mambypamby Sun 26-Jan-20 22:54:57

I understand the shared memories with friends but surely pics of just the two of them at festivals, as a couple etc - I regularly clear up my social media - and have removed pics of exes in the interests of good relations all round. I guess we are all different but I am interested to hear multiple views if nothing else as a form of gestalt therapy!

notanan2 Sun 26-Jan-20 22:57:03

So he cant say for example have pics on there of going to his best friends wedding 2 years ago, or of being his mates child's godfather 3 years ago, or a school reunion or holiday with friends etc etc etc, just because she was at his side at the time?

Seriously?

rosecarmel Sun 26-Jan-20 22:57:47

If you feel you can't discuss it with him, still not unreasonable- But actually NOT discussing it with him is another matter ..

Buffybee Sun 26-Jan-20 22:58:49

I agree with notanan2!

notanan2 Sun 26-Jan-20 22:59:33

* but surely pics of just the two of them at festivals, as a couple etc*

It wasnt just them there if they were taken by, uploaded and tagged by his friends.

These are times he shared with the friends who tagged him. Shared memories. Part of the ongoing history of their friendship....

notanan2 Sun 26-Jan-20 23:08:00

What if the kids get married/graduate? Are you going to tell them they cant have a pic with both their parent in it? And if they do it cant be on their fathers SM?

Buffybee Sun 26-Jan-20 23:20:09

OP! I really don't understand what you are getting at here.
You've had a "whirlwind romance" with a, separated when you met him and now divorced man and lived together for only one year.
You will never be able to erase his previous life, his marriage, to the Mother of his children, totally from his life. They have children, they might one day have Grandchildren.
Unless you can accept this, you are going to make yourself very miserable and possibly ruin this relationship.
He's with you!
If he wanted to be with her, he probably would be.

Mambypamby Sun 26-Jan-20 23:21:01

Need to clarify that it wasn’t just pics of them at a function together with others in the pic there was one or two of them on their own snuggled into each other - just feels weird to see that. I don’t have an issue with his past which obviously involved more than snuggling - they have 5 kids! - but I guess it does seem to be more about my need for a show of new beginnings. I know I have my own personal work to do and I am waiting for counselling to address my various demons. Just need to stop torturing myself!

GrannySquare Sun 26-Jan-20 23:35:34

Really?

Get over yourself.

He & his Ex are part of your mutual friend’s own life. Do you really feel justified or entitled enough to manage who other people connect with & have in their life?

If you so bothered, approach the friend yourself. But I don’t think you will...

BTW pay attention to how you describe yourself: ‘fixated’, ‘driving me mad!’,’my resentment is compounded’.

Loosen up or get some help.

If you are insecure because you met him on the rebound, you are not doing yourself any favours by behaving this way. Ex is mother of his children, long term member of his family - she cannot be knocked off his radar or yours as it happens. Ex is part of the deal when you got together.

If you continue this way, he won’t go back to his ex but he may move on from you.

JuliaM Sun 26-Jan-20 23:35:50

Everyone reacts differently, but children pick up and are often upset when there is family tension between partners past and present, it’s very stressful for them to try and walk the fine line whilst trying not to upset others. I’m in my second marriage now and have been for over 30years. My First husband has been married twice and divorced twice since then, with many short term partners in between. I never felt jealous of them, although l got the idea that some felt uncomfortable when l visited, such as collecting or dropping off my girls to their Dad, but most of them came to accept the situation without difficulty, as did my new husband of them. It was never a problem for family gatherings, no animosity whatsoever.
TBH, you do sound quite insecure in your new relationship, how do you expect to move forward and be happy if you insist on being so suspicious and jealous about your partners Past?

GrannySquare Sun 26-Jan-20 23:37:10

@mambypamby Crossed posts.

Good to hear that you are getting help.
I hope it goes well for you.

GSq

Buffybee Sun 26-Jan-20 23:38:35

No man, is going to ask his male friend to remove a tagged pic from his Facebook.
He's going to have to explain why, his friend will probably rib him that you don't trust him or will think of you as a 'bunny boiler '.
Stop looking at his Fb and just forget the old pics.
I bet it never enters your partner's head that these pics are on his Fb, until you bring it up.
Are you imagining him staring at them misty eyed. 😂
I'm being facetious there, because it's just silly, so stop worrying about it.

rosenoir Sun 26-Jan-20 23:43:01

I am sorry this is making you feel upset but for your own peace of mind you need to get this in perspective.

The events in the photos happened, that can not be changed ,they are his memories which I doubt he thinks about the same way as I doubt he looks at the pictures.

Having to tell his friend to remove them makes you sound insecure or controlling , I am sure you do not want his friends thinking of you that way.

Nezumi65 Sun 26-Jan-20 23:43:03

Stop torturing yourself by deleting Facebook of you really can’t cope with photos of his ex. If they have 5 kids she is going to be part of his life & pretending she didn’t exist isn’t going to work.

I would suggest this has nothing to do with the ex and everything to do with your own view of yourself. I can imagine a younger me being like that, I no longer am as I am confident in myself and value myself more. I would focus on you & recognising your worth rather than what he did before he even met you.

paddyanne Sun 26-Jan-20 23:43:05

its his past ,everyone has a past I suppose you do too.I dont understand why you want to block it out of his life if they had 5 kids they were togther a long time and it really isn't your business Maybe time to grow up,I would expect this from my teenage GD not an adult.

Chestnut Sun 26-Jan-20 23:44:36

I'm afraid I don't understand this need to remove old photos and erase part of someone's life. When children are involved the parents are connected for ever while friends just want to remember happy times. Photos are important memories which I never want to lose and I don't expect anyone to take them away from me.

Mambypamby Mon 27-Jan-20 00:03:40

Thanks everyone - Buffy, Rose and Nezum - you’ve hit the nail on the head it is about me and my insecurities and I mentioned earlier on that I am getting help. I needed a robust wake up call because no, I do not want to drive him away and yes I am ashamed of these insecurities. Paddyanne I understand how immature this makes me sound but there’s deep seated hurt and my own past there. I am getting help. Did I mention that 😊? Thanks for the wake up calls - some harsh and others injected with kindness and understanding. Gosh I hope it isn’t too late and I haven’t lost this man already!

notanan2 Mon 27-Jan-20 00:08:42

I guess it does seem to be more about my need for a show of new beginnings

Its not a whole new beginning just because you are new to his life.

His history with his friends is ongoing
His history with his family is ongoing

And his relationship with his ex is ongoing, just altered.

You are only a part of his life. Its not a whole new life. His "old" life is continuing

MissAdventure Mon 27-Jan-20 00:12:37

I'd feel pretty uncomfortable about pics of him and the ex snuggled up, and I think its insensitive of his friend to put up pics like that. (I'm not sure what tagged means)

I'd stay quiet about it, but I don't think its unreasonable to feel as you do.