Partner has pics of ex wife on Facebook

As you've already acknowledged you are insecure for various reasons and are working on this problem - you really need to concentrate on that and forget about what a mutual friend has on her FB account.

Yet again this is another example of a woman opening up her home to take in a man she hardly knows (whirlwind romance) who just happens to need a place to live, as he's fresh out of another relationship.

Notanan I think I had that realisation that it’s not about me when he got home after seeing his kids on Saturday and told me that he helped his son check the oil on his mother’s car. I had a pang of confusion but worked it through - it’s about his relationships with his kids, their mother and him - my logical and reasonable mind totally gets this and I am accepting and encouraging. There were times when he’s been round to see his kids in the house and he’s done odd jobs. I “kicked off” embarrassingly but I soon realised how close he was to walking away and I quickly bucked my ideas up. It’s just that I do need to be able to express my feelings despite the insecurities - I can’t unfeel them but I can do something about managing how I respond. And for this I am grateful to this group! Thank you star lady, gmarie, bluebell and nezum. Bluebell - I may have been unclear - he doesn’t have feelings for the interim person, when I said “this relationship hasn’t run it’s course” I meant the one with me as a previous poster had suggested it may have. I love your kind but pragmatic approaches - I am creating the angst, self-flagellation and self loathing all by myself so your understanding has felt like a hug. Especially feel reassured that, you’re right, unless people go looking, who cares anyway? Yes I have started posting pics of us, something I avoided because I didn’t want to upset his children and the ex in case they did go looking.

Just ask him to untag himself if it’s that much of a problem. But honestly Facebook is not the issue here. The photo won’t be showing to anyone unless they go looking for it. I was talking to a long ago ex on Facebook (we’ll messenger) yesterday. DH knows him as well & was interested in what he had to say. It was long before Facebook but I don’t think dh would care for one moment if someone put an old photo of us up & tagged it. Vice versa if someone did the same to dh and an ex of his.

You don’t need to erase the existence of all exes. Especially on Facebook. You’re probably the only person that’s viewed that photo since the week it was uploaded.

You can’t dictate what pictures are on a friends fb page but no ones making you look at them are they? You are very insecure and maybe for a reason He was separated after an obviously long marriage (clue ...five kids) three years ago but inbetween the separation and meeting you he was actively dating and had another relationship which you feel has not run it’s course (that’s worrying does that mean you think he still has feelings for this inbetween woman)
He removed all photos of his past from his fb page but he really CANNOT be asking all friends to do the same
Once a photo has been put on fb it can be tagged by anyone on the friend list and what they do with it is only their business
Could I suggest your own insecurities have made you focus on these photos way too much but yes it is unsettling I remember my ex husband having a photo album of all his past girlfriends which he didn’t get rid of and I was very insecure and hated it I thought he should have put in the archives I was right actually as he went on having girlfriends throughout our marriage I hope your guy proves better than that only you and time will know that
Good luck though

"Need to clarify that it wasn’t just pics of them at a function together with others in the pic there was one or two of them on their own snuggled into each other "

Ok, those shouldn't be there, IMO, and I don't know any romantic partner who would be comfortable w/ that. Unfortunately, I also agree that your partner would probably be embarrassed to push his friend to take them down. So you may just have to ignore them/avoid looking at them. He's w/ you now, not her, so that's all that matters.

Have you posted any pix of you and him together on FB? If not, perhaps it's time to start. Yes, he will always have to coparent w/ his X. But you and he are a couple now, and perhaps you need to (gently) establish that. You can't erase his past and shouldn't try. But you and he can begin to "write"/post your present and future together.

I get that you're dealing w/ a lot of insecurity and I'm glad you're getting help for that. But I think these snuggly pix would upset most new partners and that you're not being unreasonable to feel this way at all.

Mambypamby you sound like a lovely, reasonable person who is just, temporarily, experiencing some discomfort at seeing your new partner in photos with someone he once loved. I love how you have replied to all in such a reasonable way and have explained that you get on well with the ex and realize that you may just be feeling a bit insecure.

I can empathize from a slightly different angle. I was married to my kids' dad for 19 years before he left me for another woman. The relationship with her did not work out (thank goodness) but he has gone on to remarry while I have remained single. For me, it hurts to see FB photos with him, the wife and my adult children, so I just don't go there (literally and figuratively). We all get along well and I have great relationships with my sons so I just focus on that.

Best of luck to you!

we were both at a recent family funeral and were perfectly polite and respectful towards each other

Its not about you though.
He is the one who needs a relationship with her, not you.
And that might not be somehing you are particularly involved in.

You're new on the scene and you came on the scene when things were raw between them. The relationship they have going forward as co parents actually has very little to do with you. As does the ongoing relationship they both have with family and friends.

I wasn’t the first relationship he had after his separation. He was actively “dating” and had a short relationship before me. I truly believe it has not run its course. I’ve met and spoken with the ex and it’s all very civil - we were both at a recent family funeral and were perfectly polite and respectful towards each other. Honestly this is not about vilification or revenge. Reading through the posts I’m grateful to everyone for their perspectives - especially lean towards the sympathisers but fully take on the harsh words of wisdom which have served to make me take stock. I have realised that I do not want to sabotage this relationship but even more importantly I need to realise my own self worth and build my self esteem.

Just to clarify notanan - the friends weren’t in the photos it’s just the two of them - at an event that they were all at

Then who took it?
If it was taken by someone else at an event they were all at together its hardly an intimate moment, its a memory of time spent with friends

If your relationship was built on you being his shoulder to cry on when he was initially angry at his ex, than maybe it has run its course. Not many rebound relationships last. If this one is to last then it needs to not be about the ex being villified.

Now the dust has settled it would be good if he could build a new civil, maybe even friendly relationship with his ex for the sake of their family and friends. They will be co parents & family forever no matter how big the kids get. Dont be an obstacle in that.

Well, at least you have a different opinion given by me, even if I'm the only one.
Really though, the pictures don't need to make an ounce of difference to your life, unless you make it so, and it would be a bit daft.

I hope you can sort things out a bit, and feel more at ease with it all.

Just to clarify notanan - the friends weren’t in the photos it’s just the two of them - at an event that they were all at, granted, and there are also some of the ex on her own! I can’t imagine my partner would be impressed if I had pics of my ex on his own on my Facebook page. Or indeed any pics of us together.

Thank you MissAdventure for understanding - not expecting sympathy as I do want to change but empathy in small doses can help to heal ... I have my reasons for such emotionally dysfunctional/self sabotaging behaviour ?

Ignore me, mamby.
I've probably got issues.

And he tags mamby's partner to draw attention to them?
Nope, I wouldn't like it.

Just as well I'm neither in a relationship or on Facebook.

Notanan I agree - life is a continuum - a whole series of “new” , old, past and present - perhaps I was swept away by his initial keenness to move on from that and his anger towards her for her affair - I sort of comforted him in licking his wounds and yes probably did not take a moment to look after myself. Hence I have got lost in his feelings and focussed on him rather than myself - I should be able to detach and revel in my own self worth. I am working on it. Loving all the replies by the way - feeling quite like I’ve been put back in my box ... ?

Mambypamby - I'm so glad you're getting help with this as it seems to me that there are underlying issues of insecurity and a good counsellor will give you opportunities to explore this within a wider context.

I'm not sure what tagged means
It means that the friend probably took them at a time when they were all together as friends

I'd feel pretty uncomfortable about pics of him and the ex snuggled up, and I think its insensitive of his friend to put up pics like that. (I'm not sure what tagged means)

I'd stay quiet about it, but I don't think its unreasonable to feel as you do.

I guess it does seem to be more about my need for a show of new beginnings

Its not a whole new beginning just because you are new to his life.

His history with his friends is ongoing
His history with his family is ongoing

And his relationship with his ex is ongoing, just altered.

You are only a part of his life. Its not a whole new life. His "old" life is continuing

Thanks everyone - Buffy, Rose and Nezum - you’ve hit the nail on the head it is about me and my insecurities and I mentioned earlier on that I am getting help. I needed a robust wake up call because no, I do not want to drive him away and yes I am ashamed of these insecurities. Paddyanne I understand how immature this makes me sound but there’s deep seated hurt and my own past there. I am getting help. Did I mention that ?? Thanks for the wake up calls - some harsh and others injected with kindness and understanding. Gosh I hope it isn’t too late and I haven’t lost this man already!

I'm afraid I don't understand this need to remove old photos and erase part of someone's life. When children are involved the parents are connected for ever while friends just want to remember happy times. Photos are important memories which I never want to lose and I don't expect anyone to take them away from me.

its his past ,everyone has a past I suppose you do too.I dont understand why you want to block it out of his life if they had 5 kids they were togther a long time and it really isn't your business Maybe time to grow up,I would expect this from my teenage GD not an adult.

Stop torturing yourself by deleting Facebook of you really can’t cope with photos of his ex. If they have 5 kids she is going to be part of his life & pretending she didn’t exist isn’t going to work.

I would suggest this has nothing to do with the ex and everything to do with your own view of yourself. I can imagine a younger me being like that, I no longer am as I am confident in myself and value myself more. I would focus on you & recognising your worth rather than what he did before he even met you.

I am sorry this is making you feel upset but for your own peace of mind you need to get this in perspective.

The events in the photos happened, that can not be changed ,they are his memories which I doubt he thinks about the same way as I doubt he looks at the pictures.

Having to tell his friend to remove them makes you sound insecure or controlling , I am sure you do not want his friends thinking of you that way.

No man, is going to ask his male friend to remove a tagged pic from his Facebook.
He's going to have to explain why, his friend will probably rib him that you don't trust him or will think of you as a 'bunny boiler '.
Stop looking at his Fb and just forget the old pics.
I bet it never enters your partner's head that these pics are on his Fb, until you bring it up.
Are you imagining him staring at them misty eyed. ?
I'm being facetious there, because it's just silly, so stop worrying about it.