Still not met three week old grandson.

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Hear, hear Maw.

Nice post Grannylaine

@GraineyLaine Not every new parent wants their parents or in laws “helping”. I certainly didn’t want it and it doesn’t make me a bad person because I didn’t. I didn’t want visitors at the hospital. Doesn’t make me a bad person. I didn’t want visitors around the first few weeks until my milk supply was established and there was some kind of sense of normalcy in our home. That doesn’t make us bad people, rude or playing favorites. The bonding between grandparents is secondary to the bonding of the parents. Grandparents are secondary to what that family needs. And every families needs are different. It’s when the grandparents act like entitled twats (stopping by for an hour for a cuddle, my son needs to get her balls from her purse etc) that there are problems. No one is excluding anyone until the Grandparents think that their wants come before the family’s needs

WinnieB you have successfully hijacked this thread and while we may have every sympathy for your situation, Happygran is no further forward on account of your rant against your MIL
By all means start a thread if you want to discuss your situation, but are you looking for advice? For validation of your attitude? For sympathy? For understanding?
Bear that in mind but think of how you would feel if somebody hijacked your thread to have their private rant.

Norah
That’s an excellent question.

Especially on a thread when so many are concerned about “niceness” and “kindness” toward the MIL. Yet others are happy to put down DIL.

The way we perceive things is very much coloured by our own experiences and we have absolutely no idea what the dynamics are in Happygran's family. We only have the scant information we have been given which I realise doesn't allow us to give any kind of helpful advice or support here. What I do find really strange is the willingness of some to castigate grandmothers generally as self-seeking and wanting to get their hands on the baby and nothing else. When I had my children either my Mum or my Mum in law came to stay for a few days to help while we settled down to life as a new family. When each of my many grandchildren were born I did the same, bowing out when things were settled. Those times forged strong family bonds of love and respect and caring. When I lost my lovely Mum this year, all of my wonderful children helped and supported me in just the way I had cared for them. We all learned about coping with death together.

People imagine that when we speak of bonding, it only applies to new parents. I see it differently: the circle of family changes with each new addition and loss, and we change with it. I realise that I have been very fortunate but also that I am not unique in this experience.

Like me MissAdventure
?
I’m just hoping to see a post ‘I’ve seen him and he’s gorgeous* soon. I really do feel for HappyGran.

I'm going to just look in every now and then, ready to celebrate when happygran gets to see her new grandchild.

Hopefully soon!

And, yes, MissAdventure, you are right about that too. This thread has strayed away from HappyGran's own situation. I hope she gets to see her grandchild soon.

This is about Happygran, isn't it? If you wish to make it personal to you, wouldn't it be better to start a new thread?

Mine too, MissAdventure. Except I wouldn't say it was doing without. It must be like picking at a scab, seeing the grandchildren for such a short time and then waiting another month. Grieving for what she doesn't have may be better for her wellbeing in the long term.

I agree MissAdventure

We need to be careful this doesn't turn into a "bunfight".
It won't help happygran at all, and others family issues are neither here nor there.

Make what worse? Us having peace from her ridiculous demands. Peace from her nasty house,tar filled house. Her behavior has dictated what the boundaries are. Her relentless stopping by with no notifications and then playing the victim when she is ignored at the door. Her calling me a controlling bitch because I didn't want to see her afer 42 hours labor plus an emergency c-section? Her calling her sun a pussy whopped bastard because she wasn't allowed to hold or meet the babies before me. Having packages delivered to my house to force a visit then get mad when I returned them to sender because she doesn't live at my house.....At this point she is lucky to even being able to see the kids once a month but like I said she is fast heading down to the road where she won't ever see them again

Yes, I was referring to the son and dil - analyse it as you wish. In my opinion Happygran and her husband are being treated abysmally! I sincerely hope they get to see their grandson very, very soon.

Yes I realise that.
My choice would be to do without.

@Miss_Adventure When you are dealing with other people's time you don;t have a choice but to deal with their schedules. As my MIL has found out. Its not about her and its not about you. Its what is best for my our family. No one else including Grandmother. She can either take the time that is offered or do without. Those are her options.

MissAdventure, I know what I would do if I was put on a schedule like that. It is only going to make relationships worse doing that to the woman

The OP's son is the child's father so why is it "bully for him" that he's OK with his parents seeing their GC for the first time?

What chance do m's.i.l. have if their natural desire to see their GC for the first time is regarded as being overbearing?

I couldn't be doing with schedules to be decided for me.

You have rather an unpleasant way of talking about your m.i.l. Winnie. You did post at 20.08 "the visit isn't being rescheduled to March due to her tantrum ...." maybe you typed isn't instead of is.

No - obviously he didn’t give birth. He could quite easily show his mum the baby for half an hour though. I don’t think she comes across as overbearing at all and because I don’t try and make my point with conjecture I’m not going to bring the DiL’s thoughts into it.

The bottom line is that it is down to this first time mum who the OP admits is having an exhausting time — yet she still wants to “pop round for an hour or so (!) for a cuddle.“
Her DIL has refused, for now, as she has a perfect right to.
OP comes across as overbearing and perhaps her DIL thinks so too.
As for OP’s son being fine with her visiting — bully for him — he hasn’t just pushed a baby out or is struggling to breastfeed it.

@Smileless2012 I said it was being rescheduled to March due to her tantrum today because the visit had to be rescheduled. Her tantrum was the direct cause of it being set so far away. Her son doesn’t want to put up with it. So he set the visit for when he feels like it suits his schedule and his ability to deal with her crap