Gransnet forums

AIBU

Still not met three week old grandson.

(642 Posts)
Happygran1964 Wed 05-Feb-20 14:26:40

My daughter in law gave birth their first baby three weeks ago and despite only living a couple of miles away we still haven’t met him.
My DIL is struggling to breastfeed him as he just won’t latch on but takes a bottle happily, she spends the whole day expressing and I totally understand how exhausting that is but I don’t understand why we can’t just pop round for an hour for a cuddle.
I admit to feeling jealous that her mum and sister are there every day and I’m not proud of it but I do understand that she needs and wants her family around her, I just feel sad that DH and I aren’t getting the chance to bond.

Luckygirl Wed 05-Feb-20 14:30:55

Hold back now and be patient and you will reap the rewards later on as she will be kindly disposed to you for tactfully biding your time - I know it is hard.

rosenoir Wed 05-Feb-20 15:01:22

Could your son bring baby to you? It will give mum a break and you will get the baby to yourself.

Sara65 Wed 05-Feb-20 15:04:44

Sounds very hard, but anything you say or do will go against you.

Luckygirl is right, when things settle down, they’ll appreciate your patience.

You never know, she may be sick of her mother being there everyday.

25Avalon Wed 05-Feb-20 15:07:54

What a shame. You must be feeling very sad and rejected. Most new families love to show off their new baby so I am wondering what is wrong here.
Can you not have a quiet word with your son and say you would love to meet the new baby but you do understand how tired dil must be, so would it be possible to drop in for half an hour just to see how gorgeous he is.

Beswitched Wed 05-Feb-20 15:17:02

Have y been specifically told not to call around or just not received an invitation?

welbeck Wed 05-Feb-20 15:29:41

dont suggest your son bring the baby round to your house without its mother; that is a non=starter and could go down badly.
you'll just have to wait. this is not an unusual scenario. don't shew any annoyance or impatience as it could come across as entitlement, and that could alienate them entirely.

Summerlove Wed 05-Feb-20 15:34:52

Please don’t try to separate mother and baby, especially not at this stage. That will win you no favours.

I hope you are invited over soon.

TrendyNannie6 Wed 05-Feb-20 15:40:14

Oh no I wouldn’t ask you ds to bring baby round without his mother, that could open a can of worms, I would just be patient and wait

Chestnut Wed 05-Feb-20 15:44:45

Can't you just ask if you can visit for an hour to see the baby? I'm not sure what the problem is here. Have they actually told you not to call?

agnurse Wed 05-Feb-20 15:49:18

1. It sounds as if she is having difficulty and she's still adjusting and recovering.

2. You don't need to "bond" with the baby. His parents need to do that. Just because you don't see him for a few weeks does not mean you will never bond with him.

3. How much time her family is over there is, frankly, none of your business. How many times did your children tell you "But so-and-so is allowed to get/have/wear/eat x! Why can't I?" What was your response then? Do you realize this is exactly how you sound right now?

Urmstongran Wed 05-Feb-20 15:52:33

As the mother of daughters, I feel for you HappyGran. Often (not in our family thankfully) the new father’s extended family can often seem like ‘second division’ players. It must seem awful.

Personally I think 3 weeks without being given an opportunity to peep at the new baba is mean. I hope you meet him very soon.

I think new mummy is being too precious. Sorry.
👶💙

Happygran1964 Wed 05-Feb-20 15:56:53

Hi everyone, thanks for all the replies.

Yes basically told no visitors until further notice but I’m not just a visitor I’m granny.
As I said I understand that she wants her family around her, I know I did but I made sure my husband’s family were made welcome and involved from the beginning.

Happygran1964 Wed 05-Feb-20 15:59:07

I totally disagree anurse.
I happen to think the extended family is extremely important both maternal and paternal and frankly find it odd that you have so little empathy that you don’t understand how painful this is for me.

HettyMaud Wed 05-Feb-20 16:06:53

I find sons can be fairly clueless about how we mothers/grandmothers feel. For some reason they are led by their wives. It has always been like that. I think a quiet word with your son is what's needed here. You should definitely be involved with the little one by now... and from now on. I don't care what anyone says about gender differences - men, generally, do not feel the same way about things as women. Note I only say generally because there are exceptions. As an example - when my DH was ill his DD phoned him every day. He got a bit fed up with it and said once a week would be enough. Whereas if I was ill I'd WANT my children to phone me every day.

Beswitched Wed 05-Feb-20 16:10:14

I totally disagree with agnurse as well. The op is not some pushy neighbour trying to claim equal status to a grandparent. She is the baby's paternal grandmother and it is pretty insensitive of the dil and her family to make her feel unwelcome and that even one visit is not wanted.

My síl and her mother (who are both lovely normally) tried something like this with my parents after her and my brother's first child was born. My brother took matters into his own hands and rang my parents and told them they were very welcome to call over.

lavenderzen Wed 05-Feb-20 16:10:26

Happygran I can understand how you are feeling, I would just hold on for the time being, the new family may well be struggling a little. You can always send flowers/gift for baby with a card to say you are there if they need help, I am sure it will be appreciated.

In time you will see lovely little grandson and can offer practical help when face to face.

Congratulations on becoming Grandparents. Hold on tight, it will happen eventually.

lavenderzen Wed 05-Feb-20 16:11:20

Take no notice of agnurse usual reply.

agnurse Wed 05-Feb-20 16:15:49

You are a visitor. You are extended family. This is their baby. Not yours. If you try to insist on a visit, you may well find that you get nothing at all. Not everyone wants to have extended family around all the time. If and when Hubby and I are able to have more children, his parents will likely not see the baby for a few months, as they are in the UK and we are in Canada. I want the baby to have had first shots and for us to settle into a routine first.

Happygran1964 Wed 05-Feb-20 16:23:18

That’s fair enough when you’re on different continents but we are literally a five minute drive away.
I already have other grandchildren by my eldest son and I know full well that their maternal grandmother sees more of them than we do, it’s the way of the world but I met my beautiful grandchildren when they were two days old and have always been involved in their lives, not excessively by any means so I am aware of the maternal dynamics.

Eglantine21 Wed 05-Feb-20 16:24:54

Whatever the should or should nots in this situation, really, if you have been told not to come yet there isn’t anything you can do about it.

You can’t insist on seeing the baby. If you’ve been told ‘not yet’ you can’t even really ask because that’s not accepting what you’ve been told.

I think it’s heart breaking, but anything you do will just result in a pushback and you will be the loser.

Nothing to do except sit tight, be totally pleasant about things and play the long game💐

Happygran1964 Wed 05-Feb-20 16:25:07

Thank you lavender zen,

Yes I’ve spent a fortune on Moonpig already lol and bought the pram, not even a thank you except from my son.

Chestnut Wed 05-Feb-20 16:27:08

I would try having a chat with your son as his understanding might get you a foot in the door. After all, you have waited three weeks which is a long time for the grandparents to be excluded. You are only asking for an hour, not to stay overnight!

BlueBelle Wed 05-Feb-20 16:27:14

I can understand her or them not wanting visitors but a quick visit to say hello from the babies gran is not too much to ask
and that definitely should’ve happened by now, however there isn’t a lot you can do about it without making trouble for the future so I’d hang in there and wait a few more days and then just ask if you can pop round for half an hour with a present for her maybe flowers and something for the baby
If that’s rejected it’s horrid but I don’t know what else you can do but wait
Where is your son in all this why isn’t he saying ‘Mum and Dad are just going to pop in this afternoon for a quick half hour visit to say hello’ You cannot blame it all on your daughter in law your son should have arranged a visit for you to see your baby grandson
I can understand you feeling jealous I would too

Happygran1964 Wed 05-Feb-20 16:32:59

Yes I secretly think my son should grow a pair to be honest but I know my DIL well and my son hates confrontation. He is doing his best by sending me lots of pics of baby.