Still not met three week old grandson.

Firstly she can absolutely still breastfeed, 3 weeks is but a blip and many many babies are able to go to the breast after weeks if not longer if mom has been expressing and has a full supply. No need to count her out yet. Exclusive pumping is Herculean, and therefore time consuming. She has limited time to enjoy her new baby, and thus I can’t imagine that she’s being more protective of her few moments where she’s not attached to a pump and simply gets to enjoy her new baby. As for the poster suggesting that her son insist that she be allowed to visit- well, what sort of mother/grandmother wants to cause a fight between new parents??? I am horrified that there are so many folks so casually insisting that her son carry the banner for her over the objections of his wife. For this DIls reasons, she doesn’t want visitors outside of her own flesh and blood. It’s not an unreasonable request. Op be proud your son is being a good husband and father first. That’s the whole point of raising sons. Don’t ask him to do something that would undermine the foundation of the family that is raising your grandchild. And I assure you, any push in that direction or placing pressure on your son does exactly that. Don’t guilt him. Don’t badger him. He KNOWS you want to see the baby. You will, eventually. But is it better to see baby at 6 weeks, when it works for everyone and DIL is happy to see you? Or force it at 4 weeks and have DIL angry and resentful? The behavior of my MIL during my postpartum changed my opinion of her so dramatically that it would have been a battle for her (had she cared) to ever regain my trust or respect.

EMMF1948 we know very little about DIL and nothing of her family so I think your robust condemnation of them is unfair. What we do know is that the Mum of this young baby is struggling. It is not for us to fantasise about what might be wrong or suggest solutions that may or may not help.

From both a professional and personal viewpoint, my sense is that there is a back story here. The link to LLL that a previous poster included is a great idea, they are a fantastic support network. BUT given the scenario of expressing 'all day' and then giving EBM by bottle there should have been time in the last 3+ weeks for the paternal grandparents to see their baby grandson. In my working life, I visited thousands of new families and this dynamic is NOT normal unless there is a problem in this relationship.

Happygran1964 I think that son of yours owes you an honest explanation of what is going on, he is being economical with the truth. You have been incredibly patient: do continue to offer practical and moral support where you can and do let us know when you finally get to meet that lovely little grandson

She can no longer breastfeed sadly as little man can’t or won’t latch on (he’s been treated for tongue tie) but isn’t interested. I guess she’s doing what she thinks is best by expressing as much as she can?

Yes, demand a visit! That will immediately endear you to your DIL, make your son proud of his mom, and guarantee lots of regular access to your grandchild ???????

Where does it say she feels forced to continue?

Given the very low rates of breastfeeding in the UK I would say good on her and any other woman who chooses to feed their baby in this way and I hope she gets all the support she needs from health professionals and her family.

I’m glad your son gave you a reason happygran, and that you don’t want to go to the other grandmother.

DIL sounds like she’s really struggling right now. I hope things get better soon so you can visit

Maybe I'm wrong here, but while breastfeeding is obviously the best option, in cases where it's not working out and causing distress dury a new mother shouldn't feel forced to continue.

I do think there's some almost evangelical pressure on mothers today to breastfeed regardless of circumstances.

This is a sad situation you must have the patience of a saint but DIL is unfortunately holding all the cards at the moment

I can remember when a friend wanted to visit on the one afternoon I was expressing, as I was teaching in the evening, and she did come over but I could not do it in front of her so maybe it's something like that?
Why would she be expressing milk all day though? She sounds as if she could do with talking to a La Leche League counsellor.
www.laleche.org.uk/

Anyway you are going to see the baby, not especially her. Take milk stout and anything to help and encourage her.

Thanks everyone.
I will just have to bide my time! X

I admire your patience Happygran and still can’t understand why you are being prevented from visiting your precious grandchild for even a few minutes .

You’re doing the right thing . Breastfeeding is obviously very important to her and she’s right to pursue that as she sees fit. I’m sure you won’t but please don’t make any comments about it to her or your son, even out of(misplaced) concern as that will come across as criticism

I have had a chat with my son and it seems that my DIL is literally expressing all day long as baby will not bf from her and she doesn’t want him to have formula.
I’m not sure why that prevents us from popping in for half an hour but am saying nothing!
For the record I actually get on really well with the other granny, we are all good friends but I don’t feel comfortable talking about our children behind their backs.
Hopefully I will be able to report that I have met him soon. Xx

Keep checking in to see if Happygran has met her new
Grandbaby yet.
I hope that she lets us know.

The typical daughter inlaw selfishness, it's all about her family. Why do these types think they have the right to exclude half of their child's family, their husbands are expected to defer entirely to her to the total exclusion of his birth family?
I hope you remember her selfishness when they need babysitting etc., make sure you're too busy.
Before the outrage starts, I speak as the mother of daughters and I would have hated them to be so selfish.

I agree with you eazybee it is the son to blame . It’s his baby too and surely he has the right to say he wants his parents to see their grandchild . Perhaps there is more to it all than we know but as it reads it seems so cruel and thoughtless, allowing her mum, sister and whoever (of her choice) to visit almost open ending and not even allowing the fathers parents a tiny peep .

And grandfathers do feel it too ... they just don't voice it like mothers do.

The OPs post is as much to do with being hurt as it is about feeling jealous ... and neither are without reason in this case.

All this talk of jealousy between grandmothers. ( I doubt that
grandfathers would behave in the same way) It's getting so damned competitive. Stop it!!!

I am very sorry for the OP here; three weeks without being allowed to even see the grandchild is unkind.
If the daughter in law has issues with her in-laws, which I suspect is the case, then she can retire to her bedroom for a short rest while they make a brief visit. That is all that is needed.
The son is at fault here; does he not want his parents to see his child?
I am aware of the dangers of parents going none contact, (it happened to a close friend of mine and was only resolved when they needed money from her) and believe some form of legislation is long overdue, to help grandparents in these situations.

No wonder you feel sad and disappointed OP.Sorry haven't read all the replies as late to the thread .
Of course new mum's and baby should come first in the early days but to exclude one set of grandparents from a quick visit just seems harsh.You don't sound at all overbearing, just want a quick cuddle and to say hello.
Our own DD hasn't got a great relationship with her MIL .She has honestly tried but with her first baby she caused her huge anxiety.Changing her into different clothes she deemed more suitable,ignoring the food she'd prepared for babies snack and giving her what she gave hers 40 years ago.etc.Lots of stuff.Over on Mumsnet they would be saying never let that woman on your house again.Consequently on return to work after no 2 it will a nursery and me providing childcare.MIL gets to see them fairly often for the odd hour or so.
However when baby no 2 was born she saw it's as a necessity -and for her partners sake- and because she is he other Grandma to let her visit .And did it asap in a brief visit.As she said one day there may be an emergency,I'm away or ill and she will need someone to step in as she did recently when she had to rush LO to the doctors.MIL did drop everything and come straight over.I do think some mum's nowadays forget that.Best of luck and hope you get a cuddle soon.

Happygran

I think everything has been said, just hope that maybe today will be the day you meet your grandchild

I really feel for you. Im in the same situation and it hasn't gone well for us. Her mother lives with her and has driven us out and its two against one for my son. Ours GS is almost two now and we are excluded nearly all the time. I have cried buckets of tears. We put pressure on our son to as you say grow a pair and it created a huge rift. We didn't see them for three months. Hes talking to us now but we only see our grandson once a week. We aren't allowed to babysit or have him on our own. I have now gone to counselling to help me get over the hurt We live five minutes away and were persuaded by our son to move to where he is. Had we have known it would turn out like this we wouldn't have moved. Don't push it. I know how you feel because I had great grandparents and so did our son but its coming from dil and mother. Yes I get jealous too but I now realise theres nothing I can do about it. Yes it hurts. Putting pressure on them may cause a massive rift as it did with us.

So much anxiety seems to be triggered in new Mums now. Huge swings in advice about what ‘should’ be. There is 10 years between our oldest grandchild and the youngest. Professional advice to their parents totally different and of course different to advice, well instructions, given to me after a home birth 45 years ago.

It never occurred to my parents they needed an invitation to see us, my mother in law was too far away for short visits so came to stay. It was the norm in my world. As paternal grandparents we were invited by our excited and proud daughter in law to meet two of our grandchildren on the day they were born and also invited to cuddle them. No fuss, no anxiety, it just happened. We were Included as part of a happy family group. It seemed natural.

A worrying complication after the birth of the next grandchild meant we didn’t meet him or be with our much loved daughter in law and son for several days. We worried at a distance and understood as the situation was explained. Those few days were hard and I can also own a pang of envy that the maternal grandmother was with them every step of the way. Havjng said that she kept in touch with us and gave us a mothers eye view of the situation.

So no. happygran I don’t think your feelings are unreasonable. You’re human, like us all you had a picture of how the time after your grandchild arrived would be. Three weeks seems a very long while to me if there were no birth complications. You’ve held back, not hassled the new family, done as you were asked. I’ve no experience to offer advice from. I wonder, do you have a relationship with your co-grandmother? Could you ask her how things are going? It truly wouldn’t seem unreasonable to me that you tell your son gently that you’d love to see them all for a short visit and ask when it would be convenient but then I have no knowledge of him to assess a likely reaction. Be guided by your instinctive knowledge of the young family, it’s OK in my view to feel as you do, feelings are valid. It’s also OK, well essential, to be careful about actions which you’ve certainly been doing. I’m sorry you’re in this situation and hope you get to see them all soon,

It all depends on the relationship you have with your MiL. Mine is not someone who is particularly interested in her family but is happy to criticise. Not someone I’d have particularly wanted in my house following the births of my DCs. If I was vulnerable after giving birth I’d have been far worse if she’d descended. Experience doesn’t always equate to value.