Still not met three week old grandson.

I dunno. Can't say I'm taken with advice to new mothers nowadays to shut out close family members in early days, not let anyone hold your baby etc. Seems like some 'experts' want to create a sterile world and are giving misguided advice to vulnerable and anxious new mums.

PECS

I doubt there’s one amongst us, who can’t remember crying from shear exhaustion, who would have given anything for some unbroken sleep.

But one thing is different now, we at least got a chance to recover, we were in hospital for longer, babies were taken to the night nursery, and fed while you slept. You sat around in the day room chatting to other mothers, and you put in your makeup to graciously receive your visitors!

None of my births were straight forward, and to be honest I was always longing to get home, but I think that having that time to recover made such a difference.

I know that among young mothers now, it probably seems awful to be separated so much from your baby, but you’re no good to anyone if you’re an exhausted wreck.

3 weeks is a long time in my opinion

MarchMom19 45 minutes would have been a dream my poor DD1 (now almost 44) slept for 20 mins max.. I know how stressful that is.. I remember crying with guilt an inadequacy as my DH went to work having been awake most of the night, with me, helping to soothe our new daughter.

That was why I was so happy for my MiL to be in the home with me.. she had raised 4 good kids (3 during WW2 & that was not easy ) She came and washed, ironed, changed bed linen, made a meal, walked the baby, allowing me to have a salt bath and a sleep. What's not to like? The way a few less experienced mums refer to experienced mums sometimes feels arrogant ..like they have invented the stress of new motherhood, as if older women never 'bonded' with their babies etc etc .... when in fact we have probably all been there!

Why oh why is everything s'popo complicated these days? Let us get everything into perspective fgs! Happygran's grandson was born over 3 weeks ago only about 2 miles from where they live. She and Granddad have yet to see their grandson. Unless the daughter-in-law is suffering from post natal depression, there is absolutely no reason why the paternal grandparents can't see their new grandson. End of story. Just 'pop in' Happygran with something tasty for lunch and a teddy! Don't wait any longer. Please let us know the outcome!

I do hope there is a happy update soon.

I do understand that it’s different for other families and that not every dad can take time off. I just think that after three weeks it would just be quite nice to allow the grandparents a quick peek at their new DGC (providing they are half decent people who you get on reasonably well with and they don’t expect their son and DiL to run after them while they take up space on the sofa for hours).

@SieChenjin While I completely agree with you, I was talking personally about our situation. My husband owns his company and couldn’t take much time off. He needed to go work. He was really very good about popping home multiple times a day with a lunch or coffee for me, which was great. I’m in America, so it’s probably different but none of my friends husbands had paternity leave. They had to take vacation time if they wanted to stay home. The most any of my friends husbands took was one week.

I do agree with everyone that 3 weeks does seem excessive. But again, looking back I had a fairly easy baby. None of us know what OP is going through. Some babies don’t sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. That would be awful. If it’s something like that going on, then I can’t blame the DIL for wanting space to figure things out.

?

Or a sign saying "Please, please come in. I'm up to my neck is dirty washing, and my piles are killing me!"

I know I definitely didn’t want our precious family weekend time taken up by others at first

New dads normally take a couple of weeks paid paternity or annual leave, so there’s plenty of time for the PIL to get a quick peak at the baby during that time without it impinging on ‘precious family weekend time’. It is hard at the beginning but most new parents who get on with their own parents acknowledge that the new grandparents are keen to meet the baby. It doesn’t have to be a full on, lengthy visit and certainly shouldn’t involve the new mum running after the visitors but after three weeks it should be possible to allow them over the doorstep for half an hour (unless there’s major problems obviously) - especially if you’re able to get yourself and the new baby up and out of the house more than once a day.

Thanks*marchmom*. I didn’t think for a minute you were being rude or unkind. I guess I’ve become interested in the new dos and don’ts that new mums are bombarded with.

So interested that Ive done a little googling. I really feel for the OP in that she hasn’t seen her grandson yet but looking at the advice I’ve come across I can see that there’s real pressure to not have visitors, a kind of insistence that it’s a necessary part of “post-Parton preparedness” to quote. An implication that you won’t bond with your baby unless you are exclusive.

You can even buy notices that you put on the door saying “No visitors. I am bonding with my baby”.

I totally understand how you feel. It’s very odd, given you are clearly a million miles from pushy. I’d be quietly upset too. I’m surprised your son or DIL’s mum hasn’t said “Happy must be desperate to see the baby, she must be waiting for an invitation, do you want me to ask her round? When’s a good time?”
I think after this long it would be natural and not pushy to text your son saying you hope all is well and you are missing them all, could you pop in for a quick visit in the next couple of days? You won’t stay long.” - and wait to see what he replies, any hint that it’s not a good idea and you can backtrack furiously. If you get the green light, gift for DIL, wait to be offered a cuddle and don’t stay long. Hopefully then she’ll see that you are “safe” to invite.
I’m not a believer that in the first weeks there has to be fairsies between the mother’s parents and the father’s - because the mother’s parents are probably principally looking after their recovering daughter rather than getting first dibs on the baby. However three weeks in your situation, as understanding as you appear to be, is not very nice
I hope you see them soon.

@eglantine21 I personally didn’t do this, so I can’t really answer. I would go stir crazy as well, I needed to get out at least once a day when baby was really little. Even if that meant just going for a walk. Another thing to note is that if the mom is home all day, in most cases others are at work. Like her friends, family, etc. And even her husband (unless he has paternity leave). I know I definitely didn’t want our precious family weekend time taken up by others at first. Now that my baby is a little older, has a pretty good schedule, we know what to expect and don’t mind at all. Things do get better (I wish I knew that at first!).

I also just want to add that I was in no way, shape or form trying to be rude or unkind. But as someone who is likely OP’s DILs age, I’m just trying to offer her perspective.

I wouldn’t do as pp’s have suggested and ask outright if DIL has PND OP, I think there’s a chance that may annoy them, even if there is. I would ask if everything’s okay, or if you can bring them anything to help out.

As for MarchMom19 suggesting that it’s common for new moms to have 4 weeks with no visitors, I have not heard of anyone do this. And in the last 2 years I’ve known around 20 family members/friends/colleagues who have had children and met many others through baby groups and my daughters nursery. No one has done anything like this. I was considered odd for only having our parents, siblings and close friends visit in the first few weeks. The only place I hear of women having 4 weeks no visitors is mumsnet.

Thinking about this a bit more OP, do you or your husband smoke? When I had DD I wasn’t happy with the idea of FIL visiting and holding my newborn because he smokes, and I knew he would smell of smoke. I obviously did let him, but DH felt the same so just asked his dad to not have a cigarette in the half hour or so before. Is it possible they may be feeling like this?

I have given this some thought. Personally I wanted people to see my baby. I really do not get this our little family thing, no visitors, but everyone thinks differently.
However parents today do seem to rely on Grandparents alot for childcare as they go back to work. So surely they want the Grandparent to bond with the Grandchild.

OP, read and digest MarchMom19 post, sensible advise.

Greymar poor ag, she is receiving a bashing.

I think that is unfortunate but I also think that posters who respond with non meaningful reference points to the OPs situation or facts given, need to reflect. I think the negative comments on this thread probably link to the frustration that some posters are feeling about repetitive, irrelevant, unkind or thoughtless posts across a number of recent threads. Plus when responded to, those responses being ignored and more repetitive etc statements being made

There is no desire to bash anyone but a desire to be honest about the experience of posters over time, and to support the OP with relevant advice!

Marchmom this is a genuine question because it’s a lng time since I dealt with anything to do with babies, but when it’s no visitors for a month or more, does the mum stay at home for a month? Or is going out to meet people not the same as them coming to see you?

I know I would have been stir crazy?

MarchMom19, if you think babies mainly really only need a bond with mum and dad for the first year does it not occur to you that grandparents and other extended family members may never feel that closeness to the child that they would have if allowed to cuddle them and be involved in seeing how much they change and grow in the first year of their life? Letting your baby have other people in it’s life who truly love him or her is one of the most precious gifts you can give them. I wish I had been given more family to love me growing up.

poor ag, she is receiving a bashing.

Hi there. I’m generally just a lurker looking to get insight and see my own mother/MIL situation from the other side but I finally felt compelled to make an account to chime in here.

I understand how you may feel hurt in this situation. If I had to put my feet in your shoes, I get it. However, there’s a huge difference between the way this generation’s mother’s work and the way previous generation’s mothers work. Moms now are putting themselves & their recovery + mental health first. I think it’s wonderful because mom’s typically get tossed to the side when there’s a new baby around. And that’s not very nice. I know that’s what happened to me when I had my child and I still hold a lot of resentment toward my MIL about it.

We obviously don’t know your background with your DIL but you have said some not very nice things here. Example- telling your son to “grab his balls” when all he is doing is what’s best for his family? That’s really harsh. And I would also bet that if you said that to him, your DIL also knows about it and isn’t feeling super gracious toward you right now.

You also don’t know what’s happening there aside from the issues breastfeeding. Postpartum anxiety is a very common problem, I know I had it. Specifically around my in laws (although we had a rough relationship prior to baby). If she’s having trouble breastfeeding, I can almost guarantee she has some anxiety as well. It’s also not your place to ask about depression or anxiety, that’s majorly overstepping and I imagine that would backfire on you. (Another poster suggested asking, that’s why I mention it).

It is incredibly common to have no visitors for the first 4 weeks or so. I personally did not adhere to this, but I see it in many of the mom groups I’m in. It’s a new thing, to establish feeding and bonding. I will also add, as respectfully as I can, you don’t need to bond with the baby. For probably at least the first year, that’s mainly mom and dads job. The baby isn’t going to remember you from coming over to cuddle for 15 minutes. That’s not how a bond is established. Baby truly only wants mom at this point. You’ll get your turn, I promise.

My best advice to you is to wait until you’re invited. Do not pry about personal medical issues. Don’t even ask. Perhaps have groceries sent over, some snacks (BFing moms are HUNGRY), or a meal from a local place. When you do go over, please please don’t snatch the baby from mom in excitement. I only add this because this happened to me and 10 months later, I’m still angry. Postpartum is a rough time. I realize you’ve gone through it with your children, but it’s been awhile. In time, we forget how grueling it can be. Give her time and space, as much as she needs.

I agree with you Chewbacca.Advice being given because of your own Circumstances can be helpful, but everyone's life is different. AGNURSE seems to dispense it only from her POV. Worse still it is delivered like it is gospel and can be harmful if said to the wrong person. I think AG should reflect on that.

March

I get that, and obviously not everyone’s experience is the same, but would it kill her son to pop around and explain.

The passing of time is also subjective.
I remember my first 4 weeks with my kids felt like 2 or less. It is a blur, honestly.

While if you are waiting for something, a day seems to have 36 hours.