Still not met three week old grandson.

How on earth have you concluded that Happygran doesn't like her d.i.l. Summerlove? Would it be reasonable to conclude that her d.i.l. doesn't like her and that's why she still hasn't seen her 3 week old GC?

Of course not.

What GP's who live just a couple of miles away wouldn't be desperate to see their GC for the first time. The OP isn't just a visitor, she's the mother of baby's father; the baby's GM. Just like her d.i.l.'s mother and surely being a GM to this baby is just as important as being an aunt ie her d.i.l.'s sister.

I think what we have here is a case of mismatched expectations.

It is not your DIL's responsibility to care about your expectations of meeting your GC. She has just given birth. She is having difficulty feeding her baby. She is pumping constantly - and that's not easy for many mothers. She simply may not have an hour to give you because she needs that hour for her own rest and relaxation - and some babies are absolute Velcro babies and refuse to be anywhere apart from Mummy.

The last thing she wants is someone insisting that they have a "right" to meet the baby and that the baby is missing something by their not meeting him.

This is early days yet and she is trying to cope. Your son should be respecting her wishes and protecting her, she is his wife and the mother of his child. That's his top priority. Her needs trump your wants.

Summerlive
This is not just a ‘visitor’ this is her sons child, her grandchild.
Too many precious new mums around nowadays, OP being there won’t make BF any harder!

Happygran hasn't stated anywhere that she dislikes her daughter in law.
My own daughter was bossy, but that didn't mean I didn't like her.

I am afraid after 3 weeks I would say “what day/time is it best for your dad and I to come round and see xxxxx?” No chance to say no just need to pin them down to a day and time.

If someone had attempted to back me into a corner like this, my only response would have been we will let you know when we are ready for visitors

Maybe I am pedantic , but in a text medium I can only go off your words, and many people feel that family aren’t visitors.

You say your DIL is pumping constantly, knowing how hard that is, I wouldn’t want extra people in my home either.

You obviously feel wronged, and I’m sorry for that, but it seems you dislike your DIL anyway, I’m betting she knows that, and isn’t capable of hosting people who aren’t supporting her at this time.

Your son is sending you photos, you should be pleased he is keeping you informed.

I am afraid after 3 weeks I would say “what day/time is it best for your dad and I to come round and see xxxxx?” No chance to say no just need to pin them down to a day and time. Say you are aware that you don’t want to interrupt feeding but not seeing your new GC is killing you. Your son should be told in no uncertain terms that you are just as important as her parents and if he is starting off like this with her making all the rules he is setting himself up for a bit of trouble. It is HIS child too. Good luck OP. Do t stay too long and upset the precious little DiL?

Thank you Lolo. X

Summerlove

I can’t help thinking you are being a tad pedantic, I think you know what I mean by ‘visitor’ that as a close family member I should be allowed to meet my grandson before the milkman for example!

As much as I understand how disappointed you must be, please try and remember that in the grand scheme of things 3 weeks in that little persons life is just a blip. I can see both sides of this - when I had my eldest she was a dream baby, fed well slept well and I recovered well, so within days we were out showing her off to the family. My second however was the exact opposite, my labour and recovery was dreadful, he wouldn’t feed or sleep and it took us about 6 weeks to get on our feet (so to speak). The last thing on my mind when I was trying to establish feeding was my mother in laws feelings - it was an achievement having a shower most days. But the tough time passed and as we got into a routine I was happy to take my family visiting and show him off. As much as it upsets you, and I do realise how left out and rejected this has you feeling, try not to get too focussed on it and give the new mum a bit of space to find her feet. If nothing else she will respect you moving forward for the respect you have shown her. I hope you get to cuddle your new grand baby soon and I’m sending you warm wishes OP x

Yes basically told no visitors until further notice but I’m not just a visitor I’m granny.
As I said I understand that she wants her family around her, I know I did but I made sure my husband’s family were made welcome and involved from the beginning

What you did is of no consequence, and yes, as you don’t live in a house with them, you are a visitor.

It's understandable that you are upset that you still haven't seen your 3 week old GC. It is mean IMO, especially as they live so close; being allowed to pop in for an hour shouldn't be too much to ask.

I hope you'll get to see your GC soon and congratulations.

I’m known for putting my foot in my mouth with my dils, so I won’t join in to give advice. I will say I’m sorry you are feeling upset and jealous. The green eyed monster feels awful and it is so hard to try and suck it up.

I hope baby gets onto an easier feeding routine soon and you get see them very shortly. Sending love and sweet treats

Thank you Maggie. ?

MacCavity2

I have never heard that before , made me laugh as it’s so succinct.

Congratulations on your new grandchild, Happygran.

My son and one daughter both have children and I’m pleased to say that they and their partners have always made sure that all grandparents are treated equally and fairly. I hope my inlaws felt the same when my children were little. I really can’t begin to understand why you haven’t been invited to meet the new arrival yet, and hope that you get that call very soon.

Welcome Happygran to the petticoat government, you are in good company.

agnurse I’m glad you are in Canada.

Yes I secretly think my son should grow a pair to be honest but I know my DIL well and my son hates confrontation. He is doing his best by sending me lots of pics of baby.

I can understand her or them not wanting visitors but a quick visit to say hello from the babies gran is not too much to ask
and that definitely should’ve happened by now, however there isn’t a lot you can do about it without making trouble for the future so I’d hang in there and wait a few more days and then just ask if you can pop round for half an hour with a present for her maybe flowers and something for the baby
If that’s rejected it’s horrid but I don’t know what else you can do but wait
Where is your son in all this why isn’t he saying ‘Mum and Dad are just going to pop in this afternoon for a quick half hour visit to say hello’ You cannot blame it all on your daughter in law your son should have arranged a visit for you to see your baby grandson
I can understand you feeling jealous I would too

I would try having a chat with your son as his understanding might get you a foot in the door. After all, you have waited three weeks which is a long time for the grandparents to be excluded. You are only asking for an hour, not to stay overnight!

Thank you lavender zen,

Yes I’ve spent a fortune on Moonpig already lol and bought the pram, not even a thank you except from my son.

Whatever the should or should nots in this situation, really, if you have been told not to come yet there isn’t anything you can do about it.

You can’t insist on seeing the baby. If you’ve been told ‘not yet’ you can’t even really ask because that’s not accepting what you’ve been told.

I think it’s heart breaking, but anything you do will just result in a pushback and you will be the loser.

Nothing to do except sit tight, be totally pleasant about things and play the long game?

That’s fair enough when you’re on different continents but we are literally a five minute drive away.
I already have other grandchildren by my eldest son and I know full well that their maternal grandmother sees more of them than we do, it’s the way of the world but I met my beautiful grandchildren when they were two days old and have always been involved in their lives, not excessively by any means so I am aware of the maternal dynamics.

You are a visitor. You are extended family. This is their baby. Not yours. If you try to insist on a visit, you may well find that you get nothing at all. Not everyone wants to have extended family around all the time. If and when Hubby and I are able to have more children, his parents will likely not see the baby for a few months, as they are in the UK and we are in Canada. I want the baby to have had first shots and for us to settle into a routine first.

Take no notice of agnurse usual reply.