Still not met three week old grandson.

If the problem is the new mother is ill/struggling with breast feeding (didn't we all!), why can't the new father visit his parents with the baby, or the mother stay upstairs (there's no shame in saying she is tired and having a nap) whilst the grandparents have a short visit?

My take on life is do as you would be done by - how would this new mother feel if her adored new baby, when grown up, prevented her from seeing any new baby, (for a month!) but allowed the other grandparents a visit?

I hope that by now that OP has had a cuddle with baby grandson.
No matter how difficult it is for a new mum surely she can understand how much joy a new baby in the family brings and allow a quick visit.
My husband died tragically just 2 weeks before my baby was born and all these years later I still love my MIL dearly.
We lost my second husbands mum a few years ago and I miss her terribly so as you can see I have been lucky with mine but also in both cases I chose to build good relationships and so has my daughter with her MIL.
I hope it works out well in the end.

madgran so what exactly are folks who have negative experience postpartum with Ils to do? If waiting 3 weeks isn’t ‘reasonable’ how are they to maintain boundaries and avoid ruining their postpartum time without asking difficult relatives to wait a few weeks? You say you accept some folks have difficult relatives- how long is reasonable to be left alone?

If a person has had serious difficulties and if relations have/are behaving unreasonably etc then people should set boundaries etc that work for them both initially and considering the future for them and their family.

BUT in this case, on the information we have, that is not the case! IF it is not the case, I quite simply don't think that Nursing and pumping and recovery are reasons not to let Grandparents meet their grandchild for several weeks. That is based on my own experiences of nursing, pumping and very, very difficult recovery.

So my comments link to the posts being made about the nursing, pumping and recovery being valid reasons for stopping grandparents from meeting their grandchild. My comments do NOT link to any decisions that someone may make because they have negative post partum experiences with in-laws/ relatives behaving unreasonably pre and post partum or whatever.

I can understand if a couple have had, or are having, problems with either set of in-laws they may want to set 'boundaries' (I personally hate that term when we're referring to adults). But, for a family who have had, from what we know of the OP, what sounds like a good relationship, to be excluded from seeing their new grandchild for 4 weeks now, when the other grandparent is there daily, is totally unfair and unreasonable.

Of course, if, as some have suggested, there is some other reason why they don't want them to visit, such as some major problem with the mother or baby, then what son wouldn't explain this to his parents for goodness sake?! And for those who say that perhaps the mother doesn't want anyone to know, I'm sorry, but the paternal grandparents aren't just 'anyone', they're the parents of the son, and grandparents to the child, and they care about them!! They're not just some random people who have no right, or interest in what's happening to their family! And, for those who believe that grandparents should have no rights or interests in the new little family, may be not legally, but whether you like it or not, they most definitely are still family. And for one side of a family to be treated so unfairly, is just downright cruel and selfish.

The OP has mentioned further down the thread that she'd be happy with a 15 minute visit. There was nothing to stop her son or DiL, or indeed the maternal GM, from saying that a short visit would be appreciated for now, as new mum is finding it all very tiring/difficult, or whatever.

One month in, and still no visit, simply shocking! I just hope that the reason the OP hasn't been back for a few days is because she's been busy visiting her new grandchild, and all is well.

madgran so what exactly are folks who have negative experience postpartum with Ils to do? If waiting 3 weeks isn’t ‘reasonable’ how are they to maintain boundaries and avoid ruining their postpartum time without asking difficult relatives to wait a few weeks? You say you accept some folks have difficult relatives- how long is reasonable to be left alone?

Exactly Curlywhirly and Madgran this baby is now 4 weeks' old, and the paternal GP's have yet to see him. Oh I hope that Happygran comes back very soon and tells us they have.

Yes, OP did ask for 1 hour cuddles

I might have had a baby, but I was still capeable of thinking of other people's feelings.

Yes Curlywhirly exactly! I made a similar point earlier in the thread. I accept that there MAY be other things going on that we don't know about, but like you I quite simply cannot see why, on the basis of the information that we have, a grandparent could not be allowed to meet a new grandchild and new member of the wider family!

Oh crikey yes Hithere one whole hour in 672 ! And I don’t think the OP even asked for a whole hours visit . Poor lady hasn’t even been allowed 5 minutes to see her grandchild .

Such a shame it should of been such a happy time for you all. Hope you see your grandson soon.

What Norah said is that one hour (way more than a few minutes) is a long time for a nursing mother.

Have come late to this thread and have not read all the posts, but in my book to have a baby and not invite the grandparents to see it in over 3 weeks is just cruel. I detested my MIL (so did her own children, horrible selfish woman) had post natal depression too, but wouldn't dream of not inviting her/visiting her to let her see the baby. I knew how much she wanted to see the baby, why would I deny her that? I might have had a baby, but I was still capeable of thinking of other people's feelings.

I’m even more confused by your post Norah . But For the benefit of clarity . I cannot understand why the mother of the baby couldn’t find a few minutes in 672 hours to allow the paternal grandmother to visit.

Wed 05-Feb-20 20:29:34

of course we want to see our lovely son and dil

Norah - Reading all reply from the OP, I see not kind remarks about dil.

Here's one. Wed 05-Feb-20 17:23:07

I love my daughters in law, all three of them; not in the way I love my own daughter naturally but I do my very best to treat them all the same as each other and I lean over backwards to be supportive but to remain in the background.

Thank you for understanding. I helps to know my feelings are real even though I keep them buried deep!

gillybob There are 672 hours in 4 weeks . Are you really suggesting that “the mother” is nursing every one of these hours?

No, I am suggesting that an hour is a long visit with a nursing mum. I'm also not suggesting "the mother" is not the baby's mum.

Reading all reply from the OP, I see not kind remarks about dil.

Silver 14, you are not alone. There are many paternal grandmothers who have had the same feelings at some point, myself included, so I completely understand how you feel.

Maternal grandmothers, who only have daughters, have no real idea what it's like being the grandparent who sometimes doesn't get to spend so much time with our GC, and feeling like you're missing out. And, as we know, some DiLs can be quite unfeeling when it comes to their in laws. I'm sure if things were the other way around, many of them would feel the differently.

I think we just have to accept it, and make the most of the time that we do get to spend with our lovely GC.

I genuinely wish you lots of happy times and cuddles with your granddaughter! It’s definitely a special love and relationship that should be nurtured! X

Thank you. I'll take your wise words and have a word with myself!

Sliver I don’t mean to unkind. I just find your outlook frustrating as it’s so glass half empty. I have girl friends friends who aren’t as close with their mothers and my oh is devoted to his mum and speaks to her daily. I think gender plays a part in our relationships with parents as we mature and grow our own families but their a lots of other factors too. Ultimately you have a loving family that include you and your focus is on what you don’t have. You can’t change the situation, you can only change your outlook.

My DS's MiL sees far more of our DGC than we do mainly because she is on her own and can travel freely. Also she is the maternal grandmother.
It really doesn't bother me as I have a lot of fun when I do see the GC. They know me and love me although they do not see me as often.
The more people who love these little beings the better in my opinion.

I agree.

My son hasn’t got any children so I can’t comment on that, both my daughters have children and I’m certain their in-laws have never been excluded.
We probably see more of them because we all do a lot of things together, but often my oldest daughters in-laws join us.

We’ve never met our other daughters partners mother, but I know she visits often, and they take her on holiday with them, so I don’t think you can generalise.

This is never my attitude when I'm with them , I wasn't complaining, I was hoping someone who was in the same position who understood could share some kind words.