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Not sure how to react

(40 Posts)
Kittymae Thu 06-Feb-20 14:59:24

I'm probably just sounding off because this grandparenting is all new to me. I'm 45 and my dd gave birth 3 months ago. To say I don't like her bf isn't strictly true but I don't trust him, he is arrogant and the way he talks to her sometimes is wrong. They were having constant arguements before GC was born and now he's all for GC, I'm just not convinced he loves my dd as much as she loves him. He has a new job where he's earning more than he has done in the past, I'm just worried they're going to move 30 min away which is closer to his parents who don't make any effort to see GC, they are living with me atm. I just don't know how to react or what to expect. What would you do?

Hert2Hart Sat 08-Feb-20 21:21:04

Do nothing say nothing but be ready to pick up any pieces.

Newatthis Fri 07-Feb-20 22:59:22

30 minutes away. My only gc is 12000 miles away !!

Loulelady Fri 07-Feb-20 22:02:38

I’d buy them a nice housewarming present.
It can’t have been easy for him living with the “in-laws” fingers crossed their relationship may improve when they have their own space.
30 mins is no distance at all.

Madgran77 Fri 07-Feb-20 21:22:04

*Another thing he said was -go on tell me that he shouldn’t have done this either- was that a parent should never be involved in arguments between husband and wife .
I hope at least you agree with that.*

Yes I do. And it's not the same sort of statement atall, the other one remains an unwise generalisation in my view. However, despite disagreeing with him saying it, I did actually make a lighthearted comment about being a hybrid in my last post, which was intended as a joke on myself. Oh well 😏

BoBo53 Fri 07-Feb-20 21:05:21

A piece of advice I was given when my first grandchild was born was to learn to 'zip it' - very hard I know but try to remember how we often felt when told by our mother/mil what to do. Don't worry about seeing your grandchild once your daughter wants to return to work you'll be called on!

Lancslass1 Fri 07-Feb-20 19:45:02

Oh for goodness sake lighten up.
The Dr. in question was not talking in a professional capacity .
He probably only said it because I had sons and no daughters.
I didn’t take offence but I did take notice.
I didn’t expect anyone to get so upset about it.
Another thing he said was -go on tell me that he shouldn’t have done this either- was that a parent should never be involved in arguments between husband and wife .
I hope at least you agree with that.

Madgran77 Fri 07-Feb-20 18:20:30

*It is USUALLY the boy’s mother who is worse than the girl’s ,apparently.
You are obviously one of the exceptions know a lot of exceptions!*

I think it is a shockingly generalised statement based on presumably that Dr encountering quite a few mothers of sons having problems! But to then equate that to some sort of generalised fact when talking in a professional capacity is pretty shocking!

But hey ho, we exceptions know who we are! Anyway I'm a mother of a son and a daughter so maybe I'm a hybrid!!grin

fluttERBY123 Fri 07-Feb-20 18:17:18

Madgran and paddyann - for clarity forget blokes. You have a baby, its mother and her mother. They probably both agree about how to look after baby, maybe. Mother of baby's father has very different ideas - so clash between mother and paternal grandmother. All in general terms, of course not universal.

Lucca Fri 07-Feb-20 18:06:33

“It is USUALLY the boy’s mother who is worse than the girl’s“

Who says???

Bet I don’t get a reply......

fluttERBY123 Fri 07-Feb-20 17:59:24

I am, lancslass1, I am, an exception.

Lancslass1 Fri 07-Feb-20 17:03:55

Madgran77
It is USUALLY the boy’s mother who is worse than the girl’s ,apparently.
You are obviously one of the exceptions.

grannyactivist Fri 07-Feb-20 16:02:19

Hi Kittymae and welcome if this is your first post.

So, you ask, What would you do?

Well I think I'd choose to give them space and encouragement to make their own decisions and then support them 100% in whatever they decide. I'm not saying that's easy, but you're in it for the long haul so do what you can to keep relationships positive.

Try not to worry about them being half an hour away - there are many of us on here whose families are half a world away. smile

Kittymae Fri 07-Feb-20 15:44:54

Thank you again, I am just going to go with the flow and enjoy dgc

Madgran77 Fri 07-Feb-20 14:27:30

Boys' mothers worst..hmmm

Pardon! What on earth ...I cant believe anyone can say that as if every person who has a son is part of some amorphous mass!!! Individuals exist you know!

Hetty58 Fri 07-Feb-20 14:13:26

It seems as though you're wasting this precious time by worrying about the future. Enjoy helping with the young baby while you can.

Of course they will want to move out and get their own place. Where it will be is up to them. You can discuss it, express a preference, but not make demands. You may not trust SIL but it's rather more important that your daughter does. He's her choice!

4allweknow Fri 07-Feb-20 14:05:21

You can't make them live their life how you think it should be. You may well be proved right about the relationship but it is up to your DD to decide on her life. And 30 mins away, oh how I wish I had that instead of 80 mins and 10 hours drive to see GC.

TrendyNannie6 Fri 07-Feb-20 13:59:48

Well I would leave them to get on with their lives. They have a very young baby. If they move it’s only 30 mins away which is still very close, why are you actually worried they could move close to his family, surely they can live where they chose. Is it because you feel you won’t be able to see your GC as much,

grandtanteJE65 Fri 07-Feb-20 13:21:24

I would be very careful not to be or appear to be critical of DD's boyfriend.

A lot of young people talk to each other in a manner that seems rude, or arrogant to our generation. It is up to your daughter to object if she dislikes it. You should not mention the matter.

The need time to become a family and honestly if they are only moving 30 minutes away, you are very, very fortunate.

My son lives at the other end of the country, and many on GN have children living in other countries.

paddyanne Fri 07-Feb-20 12:36:32

aren't BOTH mothers MIL's.Or are mothers of daughters exempt from being interfering busybodies?

fluttERBY123 Fri 07-Feb-20 12:23:06

Boys' mothers worst..hmmm. The problem is that boy's mum is still a mum. She believes things have a certain way of being done within a family Dil has a totally different set of ideas. Now, one or other of them starts to object and it's not just about babies, it's all kinds of stuff. I expect it's often mil who thinks she knows best, but not always by any means.

BlueBelle Fri 07-Feb-20 12:14:25

Oh gosh they re only moving 30 minutes away don’t be one of these clingy grandmothers They are not an extension of you they are now their own unit to live love and make all their own mistakes

Romola Fri 07-Feb-20 12:00:55

Now that your GC is 3 months old, your DD and BF are very likely ready to cope on their own with the baby. It's lovely for a new mum to have her mum there to begin with, but for the BF it must have been difficult. It's great that the BF is earning more so that they can have their own place. We bring up our children so that they can become autonomous adults. Be glad for them, also glad that they're not moving far away.

Lancslass1 Fri 07-Feb-20 11:28:43

Re my previous message.
I don’t have daughters but I was told by the Dr that it is usually the boys mothers who are the worst!

Lancslass1 Fri 07-Feb-20 11:26:30

I would do nothing.
Iwas once told by a doctor who is a relative of mine that often middle aged women come into his surgery with depression and nine times out of ten it is caused by interfering with DD ‘s‘or DS ‘s ideas about their children.
As Notthatoldyet9 says.
Let them get on with it.

icanhandthemback Fri 07-Feb-20 11:15:35

Kittymae, I agree with the majority of posters who say bite your lip. It is probably a difficult situation all round and will probably improve once your get your space back and they get theirs. You may find their relationship works much better when they are on their own. You can still be supportive by letting your daughter that you are always there for her and you wish them well. If you make her feel guilty she will resent you.