Gransnet forums


What is considered reasonable

(45 Posts)
Kittymae Thu 27-Feb-20 18:16:24

With regards to money, where do you call it a day when lending grown children money, or what about inviting them out, do they pay for themselves or do you pay

Kittymae Tue 03-Mar-20 18:43:17

I'm mainly talking about my dd and her partner, as they have a baby and are living here, they only 20 and 23 so still learning

M0nica Tue 03-Mar-20 07:59:12

You do not say how old they are or why they need the money.

When my AC went to university and like so many students were new to managing money, they almost inevitably got in a muddle. We sorted them out but made it a loan and had a strict repayment schedule, which they stuck to. They learnt very quickly that money must be managed, especially when you don't have very much.

Since then, we have indeed given them money, usually as an unexpected gift or unsolicited donation when times are tight. They have never ever asked for money, but know that, if there was a problem they could always come to us.

If we go out to eat, we usually pay, we are better off than AC are, but I can remember the first time DD took me out for a meal. She was in her first job and her team won a prestigious award and she got a £500 bonus. I happened to be visiting so she took me out for a meal to celebrate.

Nansnet Tue 03-Mar-20 01:58:01

I guess it depends on circumstances, and what you can/can't afford to do for your adult kids. To my detriment, I've always been a bit of a soft touch (and my husband to a certain extent), but there does come a time when it needs to stop ...

When we go out for meals, we always pay and, as it's something we've always done, I guess our kids have grown to expect it. My DS & DiL would never think to put their hands in their pocket, yet my DD and her partner often offer to pay, although we don't let them, as it wouldn't be fair, but we do appreciate the offer!

DD & her partner, don't earn a great deal, but they do have their own home, and they both budget remarkably well, and manage to go on nice holidays. DD rarely asks for any financial help, and even then, only in an emergency if she needs to.

DS & DiL, on the other hand, have been a constant drain on us! They both have relatively decent jobs, but tend to live outside their means, buy things they really can't afford, instead of saving for them first, and due to certain circumstance, they have had a few difficult times. We have helped them out as much as possible, and so have the other in-laws. However, there does come a time when they need to stand on their own feet and be more responsible, especially now that they have a child.

They've been lucky that we've been in a financial position to help them, but once my OH retires, we simply won't have the spare money to keep bailing them out, as we need to make sure we have money to live our own lives!. After the most recent crisis, DiL's mum came to me to discuss how we were going to help them. Frankly, I told her that this time they needed to sort it out themselves, as I don't think we are doing them any favours constantly bailing them out. I also spoke frankly to my DS about the situation, who agrees that they need to sort themselves out once and for all ... but guess what? ... other in-laws bailed them out anyway (supposedly for the last time!), but still makes us look like meanies!

Obviously, in any emergency situations, we would always help out either of our kids. But we've done our bit for now, and it's time for them to start taking responsibility for their own finances ... We have a retirement fund that needs building up!!

annep1 Sun 01-Mar-20 23:03:19

I don't think I would be keen to give so much if they were squandering money. However I give my daughter who is a single parent in order that she and the children can afford some luxuries. There's not much fun in just existing.
Kittymae If they are rude and inconsiderate and you tell them and they don't stop then you have to decide whether under the circumstances you are going to continue lending. It sounds like they may take you for granted. Our children sometimes do.

FindingNemo15 Sun 01-Mar-20 22:43:54

In the past we have paid for things for our DD home or given them something towards various items only to then find out they have spent say £100+ on a food take away or designer clothes that the GC do not really need.

I know our "gifts" are unconditional it all seems to be a drop in the ocean and is not really appreciated. This makes me feel hurt and angry.

Kittymae Sun 01-Mar-20 21:58:56

They can be arrogant at times and inconsiderate

annep1 Sun 01-Mar-20 10:11:37

Apart from not wanting to to keep lending, I don't think you're doing them any favours. They need to learn how to budget and live within their income, unless of course they haven't got enough.
If they are being rude to you at times that's a different issue. You say " when they speak to me the way they do". What does that mean?

Kittymae Sat 29-Feb-20 18:54:22

The idea of going to each others house sounds good, it's not the meals so much as we don't do it that often, it's more my dd and her partner with running out of their money and still wanting things so come to me to lend them it, they do pay it back but they not really learning to wait til payday, think it needs to stop

Floradora9 Sat 29-Feb-20 15:27:05

My GC know I am a soft touch as far as buying them things but I would never let it get out of hand .

notanan2 Sat 29-Feb-20 11:09:10

My dad always pays for meals when we all go out, usually 2 DD,partners, 7 GC plus partners, I feel guilty and think the younger ones need to realise how expensive everything is

Would not going out for meals eliminate the problem of who pays?

Start new habits/traditions: rotate to each others houses once a month. Pot luck dinners etc.

notanan2 Sat 29-Feb-20 11:06:09

There are so many factors. If you want family meals out, family holidays etc, you may need to foot the bill.

Not everyone who asks for financial help is bad with money or independance, some incomes simply dont cover basic outgoings.

There's a lot to weigh up.

Cabbie21 Sat 29-Feb-20 10:59:16

My adult children do not want loans. If they are struggling I know it has to be a gift, and if I give to one, I have to give the same to the other.
My son once asked me for a loan for a business project. We were going to make it all official, with documentation and a schedule of repayments, but I have to say I was very glad when the project was abandoned, so no loan needed.
We started going out as a family group, three times a year, taking it in turns to foot the bill, son, daughter, and me, plus families of course, but it petered out.
Now the oldest granddaughter is costing them a fortune, now that she can drive, but I am not getting involved with that scenario. If she wants to push her insurance costs up by speeding and inattention, that is not my problem.

Grammaretto Sat 29-Feb-20 10:57:30

The same DS we helped out when he was starting off, always pays when we go out for an occasional meal. He can afford to now so I don't mind accepting.

ninathenana Sat 29-Feb-20 10:28:33

We've bailed our daughter out a few times and had her back home a few times. If she was squandering the money or slobbing about not working I wouldn't do it. She's not good at paying us back though as never seems to be able to afford too despite working long hours.

annep1 Fri 28-Feb-20 22:32:37

What a very thoughtful loving thing for your daughter to do * Witzend*.
My sons rarely borrow. If they do I willingly lend. I would be concerned if they did it often; not for me but for them. I want to know they can manage and are independent. They always pay it back so its not a problem.
My daughter is a single parent. I usually gift her the money. I don't want her worrying about paying back. But sometimes she prefers to borrow and I go along with it if it makes her feel better.
If I couldn't afford to give money or treat everyone to a meal I would just say so.
I love treating my children. I couldn't when they were young so it feels good. Your family meals sound very expensive Kittymae

Witzend Fri 28-Feb-20 12:30:55

I would only call it a day if I could no longer afford it - or if I thought they were recklessly wasting money. Until then, though...

If we go out to eat together we will always try to pay and usually do, because we have more disposable income.

But a dd was once extremely cunning - she went off from the table, ostensibly to the loo, taking neither bag nor purse with her, so we were blithely unsuspecting.
She’d tucked a credit card down her bra!!

silverlining48 Fri 28-Feb-20 10:36:28

That is a lot of people to pay for kitty. Pensions nowhere near cover costs of living so unless wealthy we have to watch our spending yet there does seem to be an expectation that we always pick up the bill as well as grandparents often do unpaid child care and helped a lot with gifts of money over the years.
Next time you go out with your father why not offer to pay the cost between you and don’t take no for an answer. I think any grandparent would appreciate knowing they are valued and deserve to be treated every now and again.

Kittymae Fri 28-Feb-20 10:05:29

My dad always pays for meals when we all go out, usually 2 DD,partners, 7 GC plus partners, I feel guilty and think the younger ones need to realise how expensive everything is, I don't mind helping out but sometimes I don't think they realise, although they say they appreciate it and sometimes I do believe them but when they talk to me they way they do sometimes, it does upset me so I think I do need to cut back in some areas

harrigran Fri 28-Feb-20 09:55:56

We always pay for meals out with the family, we have the disposable income that the young ones don't have.
Have paid house deposits, a gift rather than a loan, as I know the pressure of trying to find that extra money every month.

Kittymae Fri 28-Feb-20 06:50:00

Thankyou for the comments 😃

JuliaM Fri 28-Feb-20 01:55:48

I try and help out where l can with Money, but with 4 adult Daughters and 12 Grandchildren, and a belief that they should all be treated equally, what l can afford to give each of them equates to very little, although l never expect it to be repaid once given as a gift. My Husband does rather annoy me on this matter though, our youngest daughter and her children see him as a cash machine, they are always asking for things from him, from designer label clothes for the 13yr old, to money for household items and holidays, he’s even given them most of our weekly food shop before now! This can and does at times cause friction between the sisters, but he simply will not listen to reason. My next eldest comes to help with the housework one day a week, which is a 20mile round trip for her, she also carries out some personal care for me applying cremes and massaging my feet, so l do pay her the going hourly rate for this, which she uses towards running her car. My eldest daughter is always complaining and pleading poverty, yet she’s financially better off than me, and never visits unless to collect Birthday gifts for herself and her children. If she holds a family gathering of any kind, she calls me with a request for funding to cover the cost of the buffet food or whatever takeaways she plans to order for the event, the last bill for one of these where she invited all the neighbours and their families came to £148, which l had to pay on the night, but could Iill afford. I now refuse to attend if l know she is planning takeaways for these gatherings in the future.

Chewbacca Fri 28-Feb-20 00:07:03

If I've invited them out for lunch or a day out; it gives me pleasure to pay. I've lent them money for various things in their home and repayment agreements have been made and kept to. Where the GC are concerned it's slightly different; if I'm out and about and see something that I think they need (a coat or item of clothing for example), I always phone their parents and check with them first and, if given the go ahead, I buy it. I wouldn't expect it to be repaid because the item wasn't asked for, or sought after; I've offered. So I pay for it.

paddyanne Thu 27-Feb-20 23:48:17

Since my daughter had to give up work because of health issues I'll often offer to pay for shoes or clothes for the GC,or anything else she needs .Her eldest two have a dad who is reluctant to cough up child maintenance and she doesn't feel its fair on her 2nd husband to expect him to buy everything they need.I'm happy to give when needed,she'll get it when we die anyway .Might as well have it now.

Curlywhirly Thu 27-Feb-20 22:35:35

Forgot to add though, once they are solvent, they are on their own!

Curlywhirly Thu 27-Feb-20 22:28:49

Well fortunately, now, we have spare cash (both brought up in very poor families, but have worked very hard and now money is no longer a problem). Our children don't have savings - they just get by. We are quite happy to help out whenever we can (house deposit, holidays with us, meals out). Luckily, we both feel the same and never argue about money (we do argue about all sorts of other things though!). Our philosphy is that we are happy to give them something now and see them enjoy it, they're going to get it all one day anyway. However, we would never leave ourselves short, if we didn't have spare money, we wouldn't do it.