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AIBU

What is considered reasonable

(44 Posts)
Kittymae Thu 27-Feb-20 18:16:24

With regards to money, where do you call it a day when lending grown children money, or what about inviting them out, do they pay for themselves or do you pay

Harris27 Thu 27-Feb-20 18:20:36

I think it depends on your funds and your income. I would always lend them some money but they don’t aske these days their better off than me. I always pay for meals out but it’s not regular just birthdays and some times just coffees and sandwiches. They will get my money whatever I’ve got when I’m gone and don’t need it!

EllanVannin Thu 27-Feb-20 18:20:49

Mine have had all they're going to get---house deposits ! One family in Oz and the other here---all working so don't need any more handouts, my job is done.

Oopsadaisy3 Thu 27-Feb-20 18:22:41

If you invite them then you pay, same as if you are taking friends out.

Ask yourself what would happen if you dont lend them the money, would their world collapse or would they manage without it?

Can you afford to loan them the money?

MissAdventure Thu 27-Feb-20 18:24:23

I would finance my daughter if I was able, and she would finance me if she could, at different times over the years.

I wouldn't fund an adult child's lifestyle, though.

lemongrove Thu 27-Feb-20 18:25:00

I would consider reasonable, any amount that you were able and willing to give to them.
If you invite them out for a meal then you pay, if you simply say ‘ shall we go out for a meal?’ And they agree, then go halves.
However you have to take into account their financial situation.

Kittymae Thu 27-Feb-20 18:27:25

I think they would manage without it, I can't really afford it as I'm out of work atm, it's more my husbands money, it's just I sometimes think for my own sanity I need to stop as I feel like they expecting it now

MissAdventure Thu 27-Feb-20 18:29:36

Then it needs to stop.

Maybe do it gradually, so they get used to the idea, if you're feeling kind. thanks

TrendyNannie6 Thu 27-Feb-20 18:35:10

If you invite them out, then you pay, you are saying you think they would manage without it, you feel they are expecting it now, well I would def stop it if I had an inkling they are expecting it, we have helped our children get on the property ladder and helped out dif ways, but we wouldn’t keep handing over money, they are adults and should stand on their own two feet

Daisymae Thu 27-Feb-20 18:36:05

KIttymae, as you are out of work then yes it needs to stop and your can't afford. Just say that you are cutting back because of the change in your circumstances.

Bbarb Thu 27-Feb-20 18:43:29

I wish there was a 'like' (or better still an 'I agree') button here. Good advice from Daisymae.

watermeadow Thu 27-Feb-20 18:51:37

After being hard up for my whole adult life I now have money to spare (although it has to last for the remainder of my life) It has been a huge pleasure to be able to treat my family to meals out and a short break away and to help out where needed.
I’ve never felt that each child must get the same. Some of mine are well-off but one went through a very rough year where she would have lost her home if I had not helped. I know that the others did not resent this.

Barmeyoldbat Thu 27-Feb-20 18:58:26

I will always lend to my son, which is not often, as he pays it on the first payday after. My gc, well it depends, as a rule I don't tend to lend them any money as its often for shoes, or festival ticket etc. But I do give as a gift a sum of money at times when I know they are struggling. Recently one of my gc is off work on long term sick. She phones me as usual for a chat and seemed so down, which it turned out when questioned lack of money. So I gifted her £50, I can afford it so why not she hadn't asked.

FlexibleFriend Thu 27-Feb-20 19:28:32

My kids are better off than me these days so hardly relevant for us.

BradfordLass73 Thu 27-Feb-20 19:41:46

Horses for course - no one single answer, just about 100 billion different ones.

SalsaQueen Thu 27-Feb-20 20:03:25

Whenever we (husband and I) go out with our sons and grandchildren (every other Sunday), we pay for us all for lunch and bowling/play centre/cinema etc.

I see my eldest son and his 2 children after school on Wednesdays, and we take it in turns to pay for play centre and pub meal.

We've helped both sons with money in the past - for holidays and things for the home.

annodomini Thu 27-Feb-20 21:01:08

I have lent money in the past - house deposit, car purchase etc - and it has always been repaid. They are now in a position to offer to help me, though so far I haven't needed to accept this.

sodapop Thu 27-Feb-20 21:34:31

I don't see my family too often as we live in different countries so I tend to treat them when I see them. I'm not in a position to help with large amounts of money though and they don't expect it.

Grammaretto Thu 27-Feb-20 21:56:15

I sometimes long to be in a position to give them something they really need. A house for example or pay for them to go on holiday.
I can't so I don't but anyway I would hate them to be dependent on us.

My DSister gives, IMO, far too much to her DC so that they expect her to pay. We were invited to a family wedding abroad recently . My sister's DC expected their flights to be paid etc. Dear sis said no they would have to pay that themselves if they wanted to go so they didn't come.
Mine came. They paid their own fares.

We gave a DS an interest free loan once for a house deposit. He bought the property and paid us back as soon as he could afford to. That was very satisfying. It is lovely to be generous but a luxury.

Curlywhirly Thu 27-Feb-20 22:28:49

Well fortunately, now, we have spare cash (both brought up in very poor families, but have worked very hard and now money is no longer a problem). Our children don't have savings - they just get by. We are quite happy to help out whenever we can (house deposit, holidays with us, meals out). Luckily, we both feel the same and never argue about money (we do argue about all sorts of other things though!). Our philosphy is that we are happy to give them something now and see them enjoy it, they're going to get it all one day anyway. However, we would never leave ourselves short, if we didn't have spare money, we wouldn't do it.

Curlywhirly Thu 27-Feb-20 22:35:35

Forgot to add though, once they are solvent, they are on their own!

paddyanne Thu 27-Feb-20 23:48:17

Since my daughter had to give up work because of health issues I'll often offer to pay for shoes or clothes for the GC,or anything else she needs .Her eldest two have a dad who is reluctant to cough up child maintenance and she doesn't feel its fair on her 2nd husband to expect him to buy everything they need.I'm happy to give when needed,she'll get it when we die anyway .Might as well have it now.

Chewbacca Fri 28-Feb-20 00:07:03

If I've invited them out for lunch or a day out; it gives me pleasure to pay. I've lent them money for various things in their home and repayment agreements have been made and kept to. Where the GC are concerned it's slightly different; if I'm out and about and see something that I think they need (a coat or item of clothing for example), I always phone their parents and check with them first and, if given the go ahead, I buy it. I wouldn't expect it to be repaid because the item wasn't asked for, or sought after; I've offered. So I pay for it.

JuliaM Fri 28-Feb-20 01:55:48

I try and help out where l can with Money, but with 4 adult Daughters and 12 Grandchildren, and a belief that they should all be treated equally, what l can afford to give each of them equates to very little, although l never expect it to be repaid once given as a gift. My Husband does rather annoy me on this matter though, our youngest daughter and her children see him as a cash machine, they are always asking for things from him, from designer label clothes for the 13yr old, to money for household items and holidays, he’s even given them most of our weekly food shop before now! This can and does at times cause friction between the sisters, but he simply will not listen to reason. My next eldest comes to help with the housework one day a week, which is a 20mile round trip for her, she also carries out some personal care for me applying cremes and massaging my feet, so l do pay her the going hourly rate for this, which she uses towards running her car. My eldest daughter is always complaining and pleading poverty, yet she’s financially better off than me, and never visits unless to collect Birthday gifts for herself and her children. If she holds a family gathering of any kind, she calls me with a request for funding to cover the cost of the buffet food or whatever takeaways she plans to order for the event, the last bill for one of these where she invited all the neighbours and their families came to £148, which l had to pay on the night, but could Iill afford. I now refuse to attend if l know she is planning takeaways for these gatherings in the future.

Kittymae Fri 28-Feb-20 06:50:00

Thankyou for the comments 😃