My husband won’t move near our son

M0nica thank you for your wise words

He just doesn’t want to move, he has never even worked out of the small town we live in, and he thinks 40 miles IS a long way sadly

I can understand them wanting you to be nearer but less than an hour is quite close I think. Do you know why your husband won’t speak about his reasons for not wanting to move?

Thank you for all your comments , just wanted to say my son moved away when he remarried and to be near his business, he doesn’t speak to his Dad sbout moving as he feels it is a decision he must make .
As for apron strings it’s not about cutting them he is his own man, but he and his wife feel that as we get older we should be nearer So that they can help us more. Our life at the moment is quite solitary due to the after effects of what happened in the past. Were we to move we hsve his in-laws who are our great friends .

I would be on my knees offering prayers of thanksgiving if I lived 40 miles away from my grandchildren. Our parents never lived so close, nor did my grandparents. It is barely an hour by car, really not far for either you or your son to travel.

If you moved near your son. How often would you actually see him, may be once or twice a week? What would you do in the rest of your time? Do you have friends there? Do you have interests and activities there that will occupy your time or groups you would be happy to join.

Sometime ago I worked for Age UK visiting people at home. I came across so many couples, widow/ers, who had moved to live near their children, who looked in once a week if they were lucky but otherwise the parents found themselves stuck in a new place, with no friends, sometimes with health problems and unable to get out, miserable depressed and saying they wished they had never moved from a place where they had roots in the community, friends and interests.

I think your DH is the wise person in this set-up.

We were going to move nearer to our son and his family but luckily couldn't find a house that we liked enough to make the move.

So glad we didn't move because they separated a few months ago.

As others have said 40 miles is nothing

What Aggie said

Moving is put on hold.

40 miles is nothing in the grand scheme of things! Apron strings.........

It isn't that pressing at the moment , no one is allowed to move , quit fretting and relax

There is no right or wrong here, even though you state your reasons for moving your husband has his for staying.

I do not know the answer you both just want different things.

40 miles is nothing - I have colleagues who commute more than that each way Whst is your husband worried about? It can be expensive to move, your son could move again, perhaps your husband likes the way you’ve got your house looking, or perhaps he’s happy with the life and amenities and friends he has where you live. You’re not unreasonable to want to discuss it but a move is a big step and you have to both want to do it.

O dear.
I , only child, moved a long way away from my family, and thought my parents would eventually follow, near to grandchildren, lovely safe part of the country etc. My mother desperately wanted to come, my father flatly refused even when she was ill and he could not look after her, and nothing I said or did would budge him. They died in a nursing home, with me driving 170 miles every two or three weeks, which didn't concern him at all.
Your husband is scared of change, and I don't think he will move.
It isn't fair on your son and it isn't fair on you, but I don't hold out much hope unless you go on your own. Actually, 40 miles is nothing.

Why did your son move?
What if he moves again?

You both want different things.
Neither are wrong but you need to come to some form of compromise.

The reality may be that this could end your marriage.

I’m struck by you saying that your DS usually asks for you both to move nearer through you? I wonder if your DH is feeling a bit two against one and is digging in?

As your DH has always lived and worked in the one community it would be a big change for him. You don’t say whether you have both discussed your retirement plans - how does he see his retirement?

Long marriages can become so comfortable that we stop really talking and listening. If he isn’t really hearing your anxiety you need to have some more discussion so that he really understands what you feel and equally you need to understand his views too - then you need to begin to plan together.

Don’t make your DS the third person in your marriage - it’s unfair!