Tricky situation with nephew & birthdays

I guess another issue is the disparity with which my mother treated us all - my little brother always came first. We knew this & that was ok - but for a complete outsider to come first - that's harder to swallow.

That's getting away from the issue. The baby could turn out to be a wonderful person, true - or they could turn out to be a horror. I'm just not all that interested to be honest. I do feel slightly horrified by myself too - but it's important to be truthful to my feelings.

I kind of had enough of her saying she knew my brother better than we did, of her keeping us apart from him when he was dying (if we managed to call when he could pick up the phone it was no problem to go but if she did then he didn't want to see us.) I've had enough of her drama queenish ways, of her changing what she said my brother liked if it didn't fit in with what she wanted. It was all a bit much.

I just want a quiet life. She's not it.

My mother doesn't have plenty of money to spend although perhaps buying a house for them to live in would have happened anyway if my brother was still here - and perhaps just a house will mean she pays out less over the years.

I did buy the baby a present & plenty of things whilst my brother was alive which is not my normal behaviour.

It is very sad. My mother said she'd die without him. That made me cross too but then death often brings all the demons out.

Did you give the baby anything when he was born? If so I think is probably enough unless you have a relationship with the mother, which you don't.

My in-laws, who are in their 90s, send a book to each DGC and DGGC for their birthdays - Classics that all children should read until they are about 10 or 12 and then a £10 note tucked inside a card. Our DC used to always shake their cards!!
I do presents for our own family only now apart from new babies.

We have a large family anyway so all stick to buying for our own children and grandchildren. It's simpler that way.

I'd always make sure, though, that they have all your updated contact details. One day, they may need your help (or vice versa), or want to discuss a family situation or tell you news.

Or perhaps it is "How tragic that the baby's father never saw her".

I can understand your feelings.

The only thing I would say is the baby could grow up to be a very nice person. None of this situation is the baby's fault.

Also, the baby has lost his father already. Perhaps it would be nice to try to keep in touch and see how it goes.

How tragic that the baby's father never saw him.

Well I'm preferring the view of notanan2. I agree it is a bit disingenuous to buy presents for people you don't see or know

Uh huh.
A good present is something you see that makes you think "oh thats perfect for X"
If you dont know them you cant buy with them in mind!

My brother has taken no interest in any of his nieces and nephews, in fact half the time we don’t know whether he’s alive or dead as he can be out of contact for years. He has no partner or children and is unlikely to in his mid-60’s but I can’t imagine I’d be interested in striking up a relationship even if he did.

I’d be very cross, though, if my mum was spending her hard-sought money on his partner. That of course depends on whether money is a problem for your mother.

I especially don't want to make a point about my feelings towards the parent.

I might be full of childish rage about the situation at times but I wouldn't be wanting to act on that in any way.

Well I'm preferring the view of notanan2. I agree it is a bit disingenuous to buy presents for people you don't see or know.

The only other people I buy for are DM, my 3 adult DC (but perhaps that should stop too now they are adults) 4 grandchildren & my niece.

If you dont know a childs parents it is massively overstepping a mark to be opening bank accounts in the childs name.

Most children have savings accounts already. Either ring the parents to ask for the details, or send cash. Or dont bother if you want it dangling there unused (so not enjoyed by the child either) just to make a point about your feelings towards the parent!

Premium Bonds are controlled by the parent(s) until the child is 12 so could be cashed in at any time up that age.

If you decide to send a gift why not buy a few premium bonds for the baby? The mam won't be able to touch them so won't benefit from your gift.

I dont see the point.

In fact I resent gifts sent by people who dont actually want to spend time with my kids

I feel they just do it to maintain some sort of moral high ground and not out of any interest in the children. If they were interested they would phone/visit

And as they make no effort to know my kids their gifts massively miss the mark anyway. And just serve to highlight their lack of interest (e.g. ballet themed stuff to my tom boy)