Tricky situation with nephew & birthdays

Yep, this is far more complicated than should you send your deceased brother's child a birthday present. The obvious answer to that is no, you are not obliged to.

Your later post, suggests the anguish you are going through as a result of your mother's behaviour. (nothing to do with the child in question)

I agree, you need to speak to people more qualified that anyone on here can do.

I wish you lots of luck and happiness for the future.

I don’t use the abbreviations Flygirl and Baloothefitz because I also find them irritating and often confusing (and if I’m honest, rather twee). I don’t call everyone “dear” in real life after all!

rizlet - I think the pain you feel needs addressing and personally I think counselling would help you. The baby is really nothing directly to do with your pain, but they are further evidence of the favouritism your mother has shown for your brother. This is maybe why you feel as you do.
Please seek counselling, and meanwhile just keep the relationship in the background till you really understand what you want. I still think a small book token in a card is a good idea.

Good luck. I hope you find peace.

P.S. I really struggle to understand all these abbreviations too. I'm glad it's not just me. OH? DH?...

Why not just send a really nice card every year, with your address in? This shows the child you have remembered her birthday and that you exist if she should ever wish to find you when she's older and more curious . Once you get on the gifting treadmill, you can't get off.
Simples.

Nannan2 I get confused with all the DC DDS DDIL ,surely they can't all be darlings & far easier to just type who people are typing about!

Then if there is no answers and you seek peace inside yourself, cut your self off. Let this go.
Not many people have perfect families or up bringings. The only way to get answers is to confront your Mum why the favouritism? Why the abandonment? Why the lack of knowledge that you had needs? Write a letter and even if you don't send it, rip it up, let your anger out.

But you are a better person then what your mother has ever been, so let her live in her bubble. I wonder what will happen when she will becomes really needy?
Life isn't all about money and you know that, it's more about support, love and being there for each other. Breathe, your not that little girl who longs for her loving mother. You are that loving mother which is more than your mum can ever say. Let them and this go.

A card would be inoccous enough

You don't particularly like this child's mother and it sounds as if she doesn't really like her late husband's family either.

So why start sending the child a present?

You are not likely to see this child, are you?

Don't send presents, and don't agonise about not doing so.

If at some point the child and his mother get in touch, you can review the situation then.

Why not just send a birthday card? You don’t know the child very well (I think from reading your post) so I don’t see the need to start buying presents.

You have the right to be angry.
I hear where you are coming from.

You have not been treated by your mother and brothers like you deserve.

If anything, that poor baby also got shorthanded in life.

Count your blessings- you have your own family, gc and friends who support you.

Thank you everyone for all your comments.

It's true I have a big issue with the relationship with my mother as I was almost taken into care as a 4 yr old and only my Auntie stepping in prevented that. I lived with her for 5 years.

I tried to establish present or card giving over the years with my brother but he was never very interested so I gave up. It's ok too if people don't want presents.

We are not a close family. I don't expect to visit my nephew or have any kind of relationship with him apart from potentially being an Aunt who sends things from time to time.

I found it hard as my brother smoked and the baby's mum smoked & they are not choices I would make when given a gift of a baby especially if I had waited so long. Previously he has run up huge debt by not paying parking tickets that my mum bailed him out with- on more than one occasion. (more like 20 occasions) She payed his rent for him even though we was working but wanted to live somewhere more nice. (that cost more) He would unload his shopping and not bother to put it away so the frozen stuff all melted - I could go on. Over many years. We grew apart because I didn't understand his life choices.

I was well aware how much he desperately wanted a baby - even though he didn't even care properly for the dog he had.

I've never been jealous of him - both my other brother and I knew he was the favourite - that was how it was. I'm just really struggling with this girl who we hardly know coming in and telling us how things are. Perhaps I should be more charitable.

Perhaps its lovely that this grandchild gets a house given to them and yet my daughter has to go and work on the frontline for the NHS whilst also caring for her baby. (a few months younger) Perhaps I'm annoyed because I'd love to have been given a house my by mother in law so that I didn't have to work when I had my children. I'd love to be able to give my daughter a house so that she didn't have to go to work too. Perhaps I'm annoyed that not only is her rent being paid but my mum is also giving her an extra lot of rent money in cash (and she is taking it) whilst my mum cannot even afford a new pair of slippers.

I think the brunt of it is that I am annoyed. I am angry. I am so so cross about it all. Of course the strength of my feeling really tells me it's not about this at all but probably about how the 4 year old me was let down by my mother and how I still struggle to deal with that.

How is the relationship with the mother of the child?
This baby is not guilty of anything.

You are not able to separate this baby and his/her mother from your brother's past relationship with you.

If you are not able to give this baby and his/her mother a fair and realistic chance, step aside.

Furthermore, I see diferent issues here.

1. Your brother's relationship with your kids
You admit the real purpose of buying presents for his kid - you enjoyed buying presents for your niece. So you did it for yourself, it brought you happiness .

As for returning the favour for your own adult children - I think it is selfish of you because you expected to be reciprocated - strings attached- and your kids are adults.
If they were offended they didn't get a present, they could talk to their uncle.

2. You seem very jealous of your brother.
Him remarrying and having another kid was his life decision. He lived his life the way be wanted.
You seem to resent it.

3. You also have a big issue with your relationship with your mother.

I have to agree you answered your own question. I don't have the best relationship with my SIL but I won't stop buying my niece or nephew pressies. Why should I?

You either want to give or send the baby a present or you don't. Any thing else overcomplicates this whole situation. You never know, the Mother of child might be quite nice and welcoming, as she is from a different family!!

Hmmm, I would play it by ear. Does the baby’s mother send birthday or Christmas cards to you ? The baby is innocent in all this so maybe a small age appropriate gift with a nice card? It shows that you are willing to be friendly and keeping the door open for some sort of relationship. Give it a try and if there is no response after a few tries then give it up. It’s possible the baby would never see the gift and it would end up on eBay! It’s possible that the baby will be raised with tales of how awful you are etc etc, whatever you choose to do. So give it a try and see what response if any you get from the mother. Then use your gut instinct to see how to proceed from there. I feel this would be the kindest way to behave towards an innocent child who may welcome some interaction from their auntie. At least you will have tried and if it doesn’t work out then you can walk away with a clear conscience.

You answered your own question. Yes it would be mean.
Live by your own standards so that you can 'look yourself in the eye'. Just because other people have low standards and can be mean-spirited, you don't have to drop to their levels.

Your mother will be doing things for her grandchild, not her dil.

vampirequeen you cant buy "a few" premium bonds these days. The minimum is £25. (Which js more than a few in my books!!)

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

And yes,as Not spaghetti says,send a nice book with a token in,then the mum can either get a childrens book to read to child when older,or a 'classic book' to save.With a cover note to wish them 'all the best' for the future.with maybe similar at christmas?

I dont see what the problem is. You clearly have issues with your brother and his wife so move on. I only buy gifts for people I genuinely care about and they know it's been bought with love. Why bother buying a present for someone when you have negative underlying feelings towards them?? If you care about the child send it a gift, if not dont bother. Simple!

Not being rude rizlett,but (if the DC is 'darling children' - though why you all here on gransnet or mumsnet have to put "darling" in front of everything is beyond me!)But,why would you stop buying your own children a gift just because theyve grown up?I have a big family,but always still buy my Adult children a present for christmas and birthdays, you love them,so why wouldnt you show that,by buying a gift you know they'll love?doesnt matter how old they are,theyre still your child,just older! Same goes for grandchildren.

Having not known my cousins, as an adult I find this to be a loss. I’d send a simple card with a small book token in. I would be inclined to keep on doing it each year. I know I’d have been pleased, later in life, to have someone making a small gesture like that and it just keeps the door ajar for others in the family, or much later on.
Good look.

I would buy a present and stop agonising over it. The situation will become clearer over the next year or two. Feelings after siblings die stir up a lot of emotions. With time these feelings will settle a bit and any resentment you feel will be felt less acutely.

If it means there is a connection to your DB through his child then continue the link. It doesn't have be a birthday gift though that is the obvious thing. Do your DC have feelings about this?
The mother of the child is young and will move on with her life. You can be a friend to this child and be able to talk about his dad when he's older.

I'm not so sure. My granddaughter, an only child, is close to her cousins, and sees her 2nd cousins occasionally. Maybe at sometime in the future, someone will want to see this distant cousin or she'll want to know something about her dad's family, especially as she never knew him.
Perhaps, having had estrangement in my family in the past, I'm keen on keeping the door open.