Partner buying joint presents with wife

inishowen
I think that's a bit rich.
How much d'you think the Royals spend on each other for birthdays and Xmas?
Far less than you and me.
Is it all about money or all about thought?

Spookygran I think that you have missed the point that she isn’t his ex. They are still married to each other.

It seems to me that you are questioning your relationship with a man who does not share your views of what makes life enjoyable, and that you have discovered he shares that attitude with his wife. This has shaken you, and frankly, I think it should. The success of a relationship depends upon shared values and interests. Have a hard think about why this incident is bothering you so much. Good luck!

I certainly don't spend £100 on my AC nor £30 on young GC or GGC.
The amount does not in any way equate to wealth or my love for them and to see it that way by calling the giver mean, is unwarranted.

I think some of you may have missed the point that she didn't know he was still in contact with his ex. If I've read it correctly. I would not like it at all if my partner was in contact with his ex and not reveal it until he wants to make a point. Ex should mean just that and not have contact,I know a child means you have to speak to each other occasionally but not be in full contact. I find his behaviour very odd and very mean.

My previous partner used to share everything to do with presents with his ex girlfriend and personally it got on my wick! I don’t see why this has to happen. If he can part with £10 to the postman then £15 does sound a bit mean. Have a chat with him and ask him why he has to still has to combine his money with his ex after all of this time. My relationship was different as I always felt like I was in a triangle with him and his ex. Mine used to tell his ex everything and when I asked him to stop then he said, which bits shall I let her know about. I said NONE!!!!!!! We eventually drifted apart but mine is still in contact with her. I haven’t spoken to him in years but in a bizarre twist, I am good friends with his ex now.

Point one. They are not divorced parents. They are still married to each other, and gifting to their ‘child.’ Presumably they do the same for the others, too.
Point two. It is less hassle to send one amount of money abroad, and cheaper. Perhaps knowing how mean he is, she chips in his half, as well as paying her own £15.
Point three. Men are notoriously good at letting their wife deal with gift-giving and card-sending. I exbpect that he also lets you do it for any other family occasions.

The amount that they are giving is irrelevant. I’m far from mean, but my ‘children and I decided, years ago, just to send a card to the grown-ups. Trying to choose suitable gifts is difficult, and we often get it wrong, which is a waste of money, and embarrassing to giver and recipient. Postage costs are also horrendous, and a waste of money. Sending cash back and forth also seems silly. I give generously to my GC, and receive a small token gift, such as flowers, from them - which is all I want.

I think that the thing that upset you, as others have pointed out, is the fact that your opinion was over-ruled by his wife. I suspect that she didn’t even know that you had expressed one, and perhaps a ‘token’ £30 is their usual gift to their children. He is certainly guilty of being thoughtless and tactless in dealing with the matter, but he probably had no idea that it would upset you. He and his wife may have had this arrangement since before they separated, and have just continued to do it in the same way.
I would forget all about it, and concentrate on getting him to loosen his purse strings. His family may well inherit the lot, when he goes, so he shouldn’t begrudge you a few coffees.

Am I being unreasonable

What does AIBU stand for please?

All these comments about how mean £30 is make me very uncomfortable! I spend around this amount on my 3 DD for birthdays and about £40 per GC for my 6 DGC on their birthdays, more at Christmas..
I consider this a reasonable amount and until today didn’t feel mean and stingy!! I am on a tight budget these days!

Sorry, should read...
We none of us know

We no e if us know what sort of finances the 42yr old son has. He might be well off and anyway, does the value of the gift reflect the love with which it's given/sent?
Do GNers think that they are better thought of, if the monetry value is higher regardless of the wealth or paupery of the giver?

Yes £30 is mean but his son knows not to expect much! As for sharing with his wife, let it go. They're both mean. Honestly I would leave the pair of them to it. Their son, their paltry gift.

Why do you refer to her as 'his wife'? Are they divorced or not?

Personally, having experienced something like this myself, I understand where you’re coming from. It’s not really the money, it’s the continuance of his relationship with his (ex?) wife that bothers me. In my husband’s case, not much he can do about it, but I always felt it galling. I have no contact with my first husband, and if he sends a gift to our daughter, it’s from him and his new wife. I give my daughter gifts from myself (sometimes my husband is included, if he has contributed). If my husband does things I am not happy about, then I make a mental note as in “that’s going to cost you”. And I hit him in the wallet. Your partner sounds like a right tight wad. Don’t forget; YOU hold the cards here. It’s your home and he is living there by your grace. Big hugs.

When you get together with someone later in life as I have, I think it is better to let the other person do their own thing in this area and not to try to control each other. Life has given most of us complexities to deal with. I think we have to be supportive rather than judgemental on these kind if small issues. IMO Relax,!

My SIL's mother gives her adult children £10 for their birthday. If she spends £9.99 on them, she will give them the extra penny to ensure he gets the right amount. He thinks we are really generous as we give him £20 (or similar value in gifts) because that is what we usually allot for our offspring's spouses. Some people just aren't particularly generous.
Actually, these days, we only give £50 to our children and £25 to their children because with 6 kids, 5 inlaws and 9 grandchildren, life is expensive on a finite income.

As he's 42 does he actually need the money or is it just a token 'gift' as it's his birthday. The fact that it's joint from both parents seems odd. I shared at cost of presents with my ex when girls were young but stopped when I met my 2nd husband, the girls would have been 7 and 5.

Its mean very

I do feel people need to move with the times, my ex still gives our DDS a £20 cheque each, it’s a family joke as he brags about his savings. They don’t need it and often don’t get to bank to put it in there account.

@dealite you should write that book now while we’re on lockdown!

He's 42, not a child. I think the time for joint gifts from the divorced parents has passed. Some people are just not generous when it comes to giving gifts. My DM is one of them, even though she has plenty in the bank. It baffles me, but I suppose mean people think that generous people are odd. Will you be sending him a gift?

Interesting you say he moved in with you so I’m guessing he’s living in what was your house. Does he pay his way or are you constantly struggling to get him to share the costs etc. Tight miserly Scrooge like people normally have lots of money because they take advantage of other people’s kindness and fear of not wanting to say anything.

It maybe your eyes have just opened to exactly what your dealing with.

And yes coffee at homes ok but when we used to be able to go out it’s nice now and again to have one out. Next time he does that just say oh no let’s have one here mines a cappuccino and see how long it takes for him to put his hand in his pockets (I’d also suggest ordering cake too but that’s because I love cake )

I send my son £30 for his birthday (he is 43 and lives in the USA with my d-i-l who is American and my grandchildren). I also send my d-i-l £30 for her birthday and the same each for the two kiddies (this year I have sent extra for the kiddies because they haven't/won't be able to have their usual parties). I don't consider £30 to be a small amount of money (I'm retired) and if I were to get £30 as a gift I'd be tickled pink. I give the same amount to my daughter and three grandkiddies here in the UK - I live with them so know they are happy to get £30 and don't consider it a laughable amount for me to give them, especially since I retired and have less income. My Auntie sent a 5/- postal order for years for my birthday up to my 16th when she wrote in the card that she wouldn't be sending it anymore as I was now 'working'. It was her card and the fact that she remembered my bithday at all that I appreciated more than the postal order! Perhaps your OH arranged to split the birthday money years ago when their marriage ended? Do you send his son a gift or card together as well or has it always been your OH job to deal with it whilst you have been together? I think you should leave well alone in this case if you don't normally contribute to the present yourself and let the two parents deal with it.

I don't know about the UK, but here it is quite usual for divorced couples to share birthday presents to their joint children, both when they are children and when they are adults.

I honestly think you are allowing yourself to be hurt by something that wasn't meant to hurt you, and which perhaps your husband and his ex-wife didn't really ever consider could concern you in any way.

He asked your opinion about how much to send, you gave him it, and when he heard from the young man's mother he mentioned what she had said.

Leave it at that, and try not to be so shocked. It isn't worth spoiling your relationship over.