Cousins

well i can see where you are coming from.
although i agree with PPs who say you cannot control the relationships your GC have with each other, and it's pointless to try; so you should relax, concentrate on your own life etc.
but, but..i think this is a part of your own inner life for you.
you are reflecting on a deeply emotional level, not discussing an intellectual point.
you wonder whether your influence on your daughter has disadvantaged her children somehow, unintentionally; and this is brought into stark relief by the contrast you see in the manner and ease of the other GC.
i had thought the word class just before you mentioned it.
it is the confidence of the middle classes that gives them a smoother run, better prospects, more choices etc.
and you see this self assurance in one set of GC and not the other. so you wonder, and feel uneasy that it has something to do with you. that it may be your fault.
these are the feelings i think.
and this is the point where you have to bring your intellect in. your daughter brought up her children, she chose her style and priorities. and what felt right for her. the other set may experience some unseen difficulties, you cannot tell. and above all you cannot control it and you are not responsible for how they turn out or what chances they have.

Are your children and grandchildren happy? Because that is all that matters isn't it?

I'm not surprised that the two sets of cousins don't get on that well. You are worrying too much and life's too short. Also, you can't chose your family but you can chose your friends. I suspect that there's many on here who don't get on with some of their siblings and/or extended family. There's even some who don't like their parents (this comes from a different thread)

These kids/young adults are individuals, brought up differently and with different experiences. I think you just need to see them as individuals in their own right, and stop comparing them with each other. How their cousins are is totally irrelevant to how they are!!

Spend time with them as individuals, enjoy their company as individuals. See them as individuals within a family group.

Just enjoy them for who they are!!

The behaviour of those cousins also gave me red flags.
Shaking hands, standing up for women, etc?
And they are in their teens?

No, just no. They sound like robots being programmed to live many decades ago.

People being impressed instead of concentrating on comforting the family is very gossipy.

Op's expectations are way out of warp.

Very clear favouritism. One set gets you more praise from others. One set clearly will do better in life? Your daughter and grandchildren will eventually pick up on this and you will not be a favourite of theirs either

Daughter’s children say please and thank you but at FiL’s funeral son’s children went round the room shaking hands at ease with everyone, standing up for women etc. Everyone was impressed and spoke about them after but no mention of daughter’s children.

Your daughter's children sound just fine. I think your son & DIL are trying a bit too hard - it's impertinent for young people to go around shaking hands with older people and are obviously instructed/reminded to do such things - then everyone is impressed with their 'performance'.

I'm quite amazed by all this 'worry'.Please don't! Life is too short.I have had massive health probs in the last 7yrs plus & one thing i've TAKEN back from the cancer is my teenage 'attitude'. If you wanted to put me in a category i suppose it would be Arty&Liberal.I have 33 cousins!(mother was one of 12) Aged from 55 to 88,i'm in the middle. Meet most at funerals&weddings.Some family groups are relatively poor,some rich-mainly to do with profession.But they are not differentCLASS.And if anyone tried to'put on the style' they'd get short shrift,if from no one else,from me! We mainly 'mass communicate' at Xmas & as it happens,NOW-to check that everyone is well.Over 50 2nd cousins.If some want to be stand-offish ,let them.We all have to go to the devil in our own way.Everyone contributing must have lived&loved thru the 50's,60's &70's,were we so judgemental then?A 17yr old told my husband to'chill out,it's cool' the other day wh
en he apologised,he burst out laughing.But its as good advice now as it was way back then!

I don’t have Grand’s yet but my sister does. She has the same concerns that you do. Her daughters children are quite sophisticated and up on all trends on clothing, etc (ages 7 and 10) whereas her sons children are not as mature, I guess. It is quite obvious.

I have twenty three cousins, my Gran had 23 grandchildren plus two from my paternal side. We mainly saw each other at my Gran's and once she died there was no central meeting point anymore and we only saw each other at various family funerals. I am in contact with one of my cousins now, she's in Australia. I have just managed to contact another one through Ancestry so hopefully we will keep in contact. Once Gran died we saw very little of our Aunts and Uncles either. My oldest three cousins have sadly all passed away some years ago - there was a big age range between us all, with the eldest being over 20 years older than me.
We have all moved away from our starting points, which doesn't help either. I do wonder sometimes what they are all doing but we saw so little of each other really that I don't 'miss' them, if that makes sense

Hi Lorilightfoot. I think we all hope that our siblings and their children will support and encourage each other. I have a daughter who lives in the UK and a daughter who lives in Oz. Their children have yet to meet. So enjoy the time you spend as a family and don't worry about the future. Good luck!

Ps they get on v well when together but no contact between times. They all have friends they are much closer to.

ps mistake - one cousin is in Canada and in fact we're closer than the others in UK.

I grew up in a small NE town. We lived with my maternal GPs during the war and my paternal GPs lived in the next street.
Saturdays the whole paternal family met for 'tea' and Sundays same for maternal family.
Who can say that these days?
I had 12 cousins - 4 still alive plus me and my younger sister. We all keep in touch. All in UK.
But our own children are so spread apart, it's hard for them to even know who their cousins are.
Mum's oldest sister had 4 girls and I think they are more connected to their descendants. Though my oldest boy (man) has ried to build bridges with his brother and connect their children. Both live in Asian countries.
Family rels. have changed so much over the years, people don't stay in one place so much now.

I have 3 sets of gcs and they have all had quite different upbringing. They meet only at family gatherings and the annual family holiday. Once we are gone I think it will be weddings and funerals. I think this is not at all unusual.

You can't live your childrens' lives for them. You need something else to think about.

Tbh
I get what you’re saying.
My children are state educated.
Their cousins went to boarding school.
I don’t think they’d seek each other out but they get on well!
I wouldn’t worry xx

Don’t worry about what you can’t control. I had four cousins. Two I
Never had any sort of relationship with, one I was close to but she died age 32 and the other moved away and we have no contact. My husband had so many cousins I don’t think he could name them all never mind have a relationship with them. Children grow up and make their own minds up about who they see and who they don’t. Is a different world today. Some
families are very close and others aren’t. My own daughter has two children and my stepdaughter has two of similar age - they get on quite well when they see each other but recently my husband has fallen out with his daughter so the kids no longer have the choice to seem each other!

Our 3 children had virtually no contact with their---slightly older---- 2 cousins for most of their childhood, and indeed into adulthood.
This was down to our SIL being very strange, and causing schisms within the family.
In contrast to this our grandchildren have a very healthy and loving relationship with each other, despite living 200 miles apart and being in two distinct age groups. 4 and 6 in one family and 10, 13 and 15 in the other. Their mothers don't always agree with each other , their parenting styles and husbands parenting styles are somewhat different but the children are oblivious to this and have a wonderful relationship.

Like Paddyanne - I only ever see my 2 first cousins at funerals - they live max 2 hours away. I feel closer to more distantly related cousins who live in Australia. I don’t feel as if I am missing out

I understand your sadness, my grandchildren have the Atlantic Ocean separating them and also their parents. Like yours, they have experienced polarised upbringings , my daughter has tried hard to develop a closer relationship however, her and her brother are still rivals, particularly if I’m around and I have come to accept that they will do what they like despite my concerns. On the extremely rare occasions that the children have met, they get on brilliantly. The Americans trying to speak with English accents and vice versa!

Try not to fret about what can’t be changed, I know my mum was very unhappy about her grandchildren not being close, and when they were older she tried to get them together but it didn’t work.
It’s good that when they do meet up, they are pleasant to each other and to you. You can’t fix this, and because of what appears to be differing life styles and experiences it may be how it stays, but you never know.
Cambridge, a ‘lesser’ university or none should not make any difference. It is up to them. Be glad both of your children remain close.

We have 2 daughters and a son with 5 children between them. Yes there are differences and I feel this is because of the people they have married. One daughter dresses her children immaculately and insists that all food is to be eaten at the table and toys are to be kept tidy. Our DIL is very relaxed and has no interest in appearances. Their children wear quite tatty and worn clothes which are never ironed. They eat on the sofa and the house is a mess. Our other daughter is married to a lovely man but he has no ambition in life and no interest in education. Their son is sweet and polite but his speech is poor as he copies his father. All these children are loving and polite. It remains to be seen how close they will be later on and whether they will remain close.

My DSs and my sister's two DSs are very much of an age but lived many miles apart and rarely saw each other. However, when they did meet, as teenagers or later, they got on well together at weddings and funerals. Her two were, and are, musical and both have made music their careers; mine were more sporting - DS2 is still playing hockey at 47, older brother swims, has taken up cricket and does yoga. My sister's two both live in Glasgow and mine are in the south of England so aren't able to get together. A pity, because I feel that now they are middle aged, they would be happy to join up for a pint!

You must stop judging who has a better future and whose upbringing was more adequate according to your standards.

These cousins are not little kids. They can pick their own friends.

Your favouritism for your son's kids is clearly stated. It reeks in your posts, how you think a set of cousins is better than the other.
Your dd and son obviously know it too.
Honestly, stop comparing them. They are not clones, they are individuals.