Cousins

I have 6 cousins but due to geographic distance and the fact dad and his siblings were never close nor mum and her sister. We only met a handful of times growing up.
I'm pleased to say that a female cousin who emigrated to Oz after her wedding in 1966 when I was 12 is now back in my area and after a chance meeting we are getting to know each other.

All families are different, and so long as they are all happy and law abiding I don’t see any problems. They DO have contact with each other, and children generally overcome differences far better than adults. Just rejoice in that you see them all.

My sister and I did different things with our adult lives even tho we remained close. Our children, the cousins, will not keep in touch. They are all grown now and have made their own life choices.
Count your blessings- it’s the best way to look at it

It’s sad when relationships in families flounder or never develop, so I can understand your distress. Whatever happens in the future, you will be the keystone that holds them together.

It's not always cousins that don't get on!

I have one sister and we've never been close.

Chalk and cheese.

Sometimes we just have to let things ride.

Don't worry too much about this.

This is not your concern so why not, as hard as it might be for you, step back as I am sure if they want your advice they will ask.

I am the mother of four adult children, all brought up the same way. I have 3 daughters and 1 son. They now all have children of their own and I am amazed at their different parenting of their children. I would say that my son appears to be the one with the no nonsense approach; his son is 1yr old and my son has started as he means to go on. I agree with a previous comment that you are overthinking things. Just take a step back and view your children with pride.

I agree with Trisha. You have raised your kids. Instilled in them your values. After that it is up to them. Just think about it Lori some siblings do not get along with each other much less cousins. Try and have some faith in the family values you have taught them. But bottom line is it is outside your control. Just love them all the same and hope it rubs off!!! It has with mine!

i have six cousins from my father's side of the family and, i think, two maybe three from my mother's side. we used to socialise at family weddings and funerals but not for a long time now.

Well said paddyanne, you've hit the nail on the head. Stop worry about this Lorilightfoot ... you are just making yourself feel bad about something they will work out for themselves. Not all families live close together or even want to be close together but dynamics change as people grow older. They will find their own way, which really shouldn't concern you at this time. Love them all and hope they love you back ... that's what you should be thinking about.

My family extends from the bottom of the 'class' system, some cousins very low paid or unemployed, to the top, property owning bankers. We are spread all over the country so seldom meet up, but when we do everyone is very polite and friendly. Families these days do not for the most part live close to each other, and often manage to keep some contact. When I moved from my home town the only contact was by phone (which was expensive) or letter which took ages. Now I can text,phone or e-mail or keep in touch through facebook. I don't think you should assume they will not keep in touch with each other. They may have a brief period (especially late teens early twenties) when they don't bother but that may change as they get older. Stop worrying, there is nothing you can do. Que sera sera.

I was very close to my 2 girl cousins when we were growing up. My grandma used to cook a huge Sunday lunch and the whole family would meet up. We were all children of working class parents living in council houses, nobody had very much so we were all the same really . They were different times.

I think things are very different these days . My sons 3 children very rarely see my daughters little girl as they live in different towns and whilst I look(ed) after them all every week it’s always at different times so they rarely meet up . There is also a big age gap between my sons children (14,12 and 10) and my DD’ little one (2). My DD and my DDiL are like chalk and cheese and would never be friends (if they were not related) as they have very different personalities and values etc. A shame really .

My GC are well behaved and know how to conduct themselves in public especially in restaurants. They have only two cousins and they are badly behaved, have no table manners and no consideration for others. GC have often said to me that their cousins are so naughty. The others are not my GC.
My own DC did not mix with their cousins on father's side, chalk and cheese.

Most of my cousins live abroad, France, Canada, Australia mainly. I've got a few in England but we only meet up at weddings and funerals. I email ones in France and Canada and have more contact with them than my English cousins. My children see their cousins at family get togethers, I think they'd all like to see each other more often, the ones that aren't abroad are right round the M25 from us...……and well, life get's in the way, especially these days

MawB, only the (supposed - or aspiring) middle class are in the least concerned about 'class'.

My father always said the working class includes 'absolutely everybody who has to work for a living', the upper class have land and assets - there is no middle!

I have 5 grandchildren, 2 close by, my son’s, and 3 in Australia, my daughter’s.
The cousins have only met once in real life, and I suppose are not remotely close to each other, although similar in ages.
It’s just how it is. Whereas my sister is always at great pains to tell me how well her 5 grandchildren get on with each other, they have family holidays and suchlike together.
I love her dearly, but just a bit of one-upmanship on her part as she knows full well that is not the case with my family, as we are 10,000 miles apart.

At Christmas we were in a restaurant and it occurred to me the children are a different class to one another

OP I wonder how you define “class” and where you stand on it?
The reference to class raises a different dimension.
Could you be feeling that somehow your son has “married up” as they used to say and this makes you uncomfortable , or that alternatively your daughter has “married beneath herself” and that is what is worrying you.
It all sounds rather odd in the 21st century.

TBH .

I think mawboon has it in one, lori you are uncomfortable with the way one set of children is being brought up because it’s alien to you
I had no siblings and 7 cousins who all lived in my town but I didn’t know any of them as my dad and his brother didn’t get on (I think that was it I never really knew) when I returned to live in my hometown during my 30 s I made a point of getting to know them and although we weren’t close close we did have a sortof relationship a couple of times a year meet up until they all died (much older than me)
My children don’t live near their cousins but do have a loose relationship
Then grandkids I wanted what I hadn’t had The 2 in NZ have no real relationship with their cousins they have met a few times and seem to get on but nothing else the ones in Europe I brought on holiday here for two weeks all through their childhood they got on brilliantly with the ones that live here and had lots of fun but now all in their late teens and past nanny’s summer holidays they haven’t kept the contact up apart from a bit of social media (all I can hope is they have happy memories)

You can’t force relationships or make the children the same

crazyH, a bubble can be protective. My kids had far more contact with my friends' children, as we had shared values and attitudes towards parenting (relaxed, friendly and informal).

I deliberately limited contact with my siblings' families. They were uptight, into rules, routines and formality. They had some downright ignorant beliefs that I always felt compelled to object to and argue against. of course, i didn't want my kids exposed to that too much!

I could be wrong but I feel the OP's daughter is raising her children in the way she was raised and the sons children are being raised the way his wife was. Which makes the OP feel uncomfortable. I'm not criticising, by the way, it just reminds me of my own family circumstances. It's sad when our children aren't as close as we'd like them to be.

This is a worry for all of us. I have 3 children, all living in the same town/area - they only meet at family functions. One of my d.i ls likes to live in a bubble with her husband and children. Occasionally, her parents are allowed into this bubble. The rest of us watch them on what's app videos etc. My son goes along with it. I guess he also likes it that way. My other d.i.l. is a joy.....she is constantly making efforts and suggesting get-togethers etc only to be negated by the aforementioned d.i.l. Sad but true.

I grew up in Canada with immigrant parents (from Jersey and France). We never had any relatives at all here, and I have met my cousins only once or twice. I always was a bit overwhelmed and in awe of friends with large extended families! How lucky they were!

But having grown up children now, 2 of my 3 have children. They live in separate towns and see each other only a few times a year. I have hopes that they will enjoy a relationship with one another but don't hold high hopes. I think as long as the parents get along as siblings and keep communication open a relationship will develop.

As a grandparent, could you perhaps encourage all your grandchildren to get together once in a while to help promote this? Maybe host an overnight sleepover or other event (assuming social distancing will eventually come to an end) with your Gkids. That could be fun and in a more informal setting.

Lorilightfoot, I think it's a strange thing to worry about. I've hardly seen my cousins since childhood - unless at funerals. There's no reason why cousins should get along more than random strangers.

You have odd ideas about politeness, formality and class. All families have different styles and couples often have too.

The upper class side of my family are very relaxed and informal (nothing to prove) and swear with discretion. The working class side are very into making a good impression. They try too hard. It's really very amusing seeing them together!

I don’t have any cousins and Dh only had one, who has long since fallen under the radar. My DC have seven cousins and are in touch with five. The other two row their own boat and we hear of them once in a blue moon.

My 3 AC do not have a relationship with their cousins because my husband and his sister are so different.

We brought our children up in completely different ways, it was highly unlikely they would ever have anything in common.

I don’t see this as a problem, my concern would always be that the siblings remained close.