Adult children returning home

We don’t know all the details and particularly why your partner doesn’t want your son with you. But on first sight I feel angry with your partner. This is your son, he is part of you. I chose my son over my husband 20 years ago and I have never regretted it and I am incredibly close to my son now. He turned himself around from his problems, made a success of his life and I like to think that this was achieved partly with the fact that I was always there for him.

Sounds like a good approach LouTog. Hope things improve for you all x

Thank you for all your comments , thoughts and feelings. Obviously a decision only I can take however its been heartening to know that others are there.
I spoke to him yesterday - hes down..... but not out.... one day at a time

Straightforward decision. Get rid of that horrible man you live with. If however, your son takes illegal drugs or is violent then I get your partners point.

Dump the partner, if he doesn't accept your son then he doesn't love you. It can only lead to serious problems for your son and yourself.

Without any question your son needs to come before your partner and if your partner cared that much for you he would see your anxiety and agree .Many years ago I was with my now ex partner and didn't see how manipulative he was and I nearly lost my relationship with my son due to his resentment of my son don't let this happen

dump your partner

Um, difficult without knowing more info and detail. However, I can’t imagine being comfortable about ignoring a genuine need or cry for help from a child of mine, with or without the added complication of a partner ( father to the child or not). Good luck with this one and I sincerely hope it ends well .

I agree with sussexborn! Your son is your son for life and he needs you now.

I know we’re all different and some people need a partner but I could never put a man before one of my sons. It sounds as if you’ve allowed your partner to joint own your property so it’s difficult and you’re obviously beside yourself with worry over your son. I’d keep trying to get in touch with your son and if he needs to, ask him to come home. Sod your partner frankly!

Unless there are drastic reasons for your partner's attitude I would be so disappointed in a man who is unable to understand your worries and your love for your son, and also your overwhelming need to help him.
The choice of resolution lies with you, but your son needs help now and your partner needs to see this; I hope you can work around this unhappy situation with some of the good advice here.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Just wondering who owns the house? most of the posters recommending dumping the partner in favour of your son seem to assume you own it outright but you didn't clarify this in your OP. If you can't resolve the issues bugging your partner it may not be viable to give him an ultimatum if your partner owns all or part of the house. Family generally does come first but only where realistically achievable. Best to navigate this with a more opened minded approach and to try and achieve what you feel is reasonable outcome for all concerned.

My son also with mental health issues, called me in a terrible state of paranoia two weeks ago... i won't go into too many details but needless to say i drove down and picked him up - not with my OH ( not his father) blessing but agreement... he is now with us until he gets a job/a new place to live.
Golly it's hard work for all of us but his mental state has improved which is a relief. OH is finding it esp hard as never had children and my son is not a child... hard on us all. But you do what you have to do. Hope you can come u with a good solution LouTog for you all......

He is allowed to move back to live with you - this topic has been raised in the UK at least with the government advisers and they say its ok to move back in with family or with a partner as long as you settle there and not toing and froing

Your poor son living with the feeling he can't come and stay. To be honest there would be no contest my son would come back and my partner would go. What sort of man can't accept a person who needs help.

You don't say how long you have been with your partner, but I am not certain I think that makes a difference.

IMO, but this is only my opinion, I think you need to sit down on your own and review your relationship with this man.

He resents your son and didn't like him living with you. Was there a good reason for this? (Did your son treat him nicely or do anything that might have caused this resentment?)

You say your partner cannot see the need to discuss the fact that you are worried about your son and is providing no support for you.

Is he jealous of your children? Jealous when you spend time with others?

What is he doing, may I ask, to make you want to continue the relationship?

Do you own the house you and he are living in, or does he?

If it is your house, tell your son to come home and tell your partner that he can like it or lump it, or leave. If he stays, you expect him to treat your son politely, as long as your son is polite to him.

If it is his house, or a joint property, go to your son and come back when he is back at work.

Your partner isn’t a nice person. Sorry.
I’d get a flight out to my son and work out my future from there.

Applegran
What a great post. You said it all ??

I have been in exactly your position.No doubt about it.Your partner is being controlling and putting a division between you and your son.My 2nd husband did this to me and my son.It destroyed my sons mental health.After several years of being piggy in the middle he is now my ex husband.Your children must always come first no matter their age.

There is no doubt about it.
I would put my children before anyone, partner or husband. Not anyone.
Do what your gut feeling tells you to do. ??

It must be awful for anyone living alone at the moment. there is help out there, especially those with mental health issues. Go to the NHS website. As for your partner, he doesn't sound very sympathetic at all. Are there any issues which has made him this way?

I agree with jefm

My kids come first but they are children.

Your partner may sound heartless but we do not know much about the situation

Is OP babying her adult son?
What is her adult son doing to improve his own situation?
As adults, we cannot run to mommy and daddy to be saved by them when we have problems

This lockdown is hard for everybody.
Op's son is not the only one who has experienced ob loss and mental health issues due to the pandemic

OP's son lived with them in the past I wonder what happened that OP's partner does not an adult back in the home he shares with OP.

Have asked Grans Net HQ to remove my double post above and I will re-send! So sorry!

SORRY! I put this into "word" as it was long and I wanted to précis it. Then a parcel came and I completely forgot and posted both my letters. Please read the second if you see this in time and sorry.

Wish I could remove it!