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Adult children returning home

(103 Posts)
LouTog Tue 05-May-20 12:51:58

My middle son lives away - during lockdown hes on his own completely. He only moved to this big city in Jan 20 - hes been furloughed from his job. But whilst he was at home with me he had poor mental health but he moved out to help himself.
Before moving he lived with me & my partner for 3 months. My partner made it clear he didn't like him & resented him being there.
Im so torn - I feel terrible for my son - he couldn't come back before lockdown because of my partner. Hes suffering now & I don't know how to help him. Ive tried to discuss with it with my partner or even ask for some support for me but he just doesn't see the need.
I know other people cant provide a solution but anyone any thoughts on how to help him & help me

Sussexborn Tue 05-May-20 13:39:20

Personally I would dump a partner who was so mean spirited and cruel. Unless your son has done something to deserve this ill will? Can you go and stay with your son to see him through this difficult time? I am pretty sure the rules allow you to do this.

Lollin Tue 05-May-20 14:43:29

Is it possible to sort the reason for your partner's resentment? It may help you to think along the lines of, if your son had a physical ailment and needed your help what would you do.

SalsaQueen Tue 05-May-20 14:46:25

My eldest son (38) came back home in December, following the split from a GF. He's been back a couple of times (previous GF). He's no trouble, pays board, keeps to himself, so it's fine - for now. I'll be glad when he's got enough money together for a deposit on a place of his own, though.

How old is your son? Does he pay board? Is he any bother?

If he pays, doesn't cause you a problem, I'd say have him back. I certainly would never choose a partner over my own child.

ninathenana Tue 05-May-20 16:26:25

My DD who will be 33 this year, has bounced back home so many times due to a fraught marriage and other relationships. She has only recently left again. She knows the door is always open. Fingers crossed she has finally sorted her life out.
He's your son.

SmokeyCat42 Wed 06-May-20 09:36:01

I have to say my Son comes before any man. Especially if they are suffering, and your partner isn’t being very welcoming.
You can replace a man, you can’t replace your Son.
That might just be me though.

minxie Wed 06-May-20 09:38:45

Unless your son did something bad, Your partner is not a very nice person. So my childs mental health would come first.
Isolate for 7 days and go to your son and dump your man . I’m a bit black and white when it comes to my children

Laurensnan Wed 06-May-20 09:38:53

If my son needed me like that, he would come first over my partner. He'd be moving in with me no matter what, if he wanted to come. Or I'd go to him. Don't let your son suffer alone if you can work around it. Your partner may have a valid reason for not understanding your son but he should at least be understanding of your needs and helping you with this situation.
It's such a hard situation for you to be in .

Applegran Wed 06-May-20 09:39:06

I am sorry you are facing all this pain and conflict between people who are so important in your life and it would be great if your partner were more friendly and helpful to your son. However, it can be hard for someone who is not the actual father of your child to accommodate their living with you (see all the fairy stories of wicked step parents) This does not make it feel OK if he is not kind, but may help you see what it feels like from his point of view, which is always a good starting point for listening, talking and possible greater understanding and a happier way to be together. I wish you all good things.

Gingergirl Wed 06-May-20 09:39:13

Re your son, I would speak to him every day...also find some resources that might help him. Of course, he can call the Samaritans if suicidal -also there’s medical help if it is in that realm-but other mental health support charities that he could contact...and encourage him to do so if he needs to.Lots of people are going through lockdown on their own and it is emotionally, very hard-hopefully there will be a few little changes in that in a month or so. Re your partner-after lockdown, I would consider whether this is the kind of relationship you really want or not. At the moment, it’s about ‘acute’ support -for your son-and for you-be kind to yourself, you can’t perform miracles.

Happygirl79 Wed 06-May-20 09:40:14

Let your son come home if you are worried about his mental health
And what is your partners problem with your son?
I had a partner like that and I chose to ask my partner to leave
Family is family
A man is just a man unless he shows love and respect for you and your family
A partner is a partner for now
A son is a son for life
Do the right thing
Good luck

Beanie654321 Wed 06-May-20 09:42:28

Your partner may not like your son, but if he loves you he should do what's best for you. Your anxiety will be high with this situation so then he should support you to alleviate it. Can your son access CPN? Video chats help. Encourage son to take up an hobby or read. There are free online courses. He needs to keep himself busy and that includes a daily 30 mins stroll. Write letters to each other. Good luck.

Yellowmellow Wed 06-May-20 09:42:43

Resentment is sometimes around jealousy. If your partner is jealous of your relationship with your son he is immature, and probably won't change. As other posts have said you can find another partner no one can replace your son. While this man is in your life the feeling of being torn will always be there. If he really loved you he wouldn't want to see you stressed like this.

Phloembundle Wed 06-May-20 09:43:13

My son and I come as a package. Take it or leave it. If your son didn't cause any problems financial or otherwise when living with you, then your partner, by being this way is clearly not devoted to you or he wouldn't hurt you this way. Your son needs you, ditch your selfish man.

Shazmo24 Wed 06-May-20 09:43:36

Get rid of your partner! Your son needs you...

Bluegrass Wed 06-May-20 09:45:26

If your partner can't appreciate the situation you are in then he may not be worth your love. Discuss with your partner how worried you are and how it upsets you to know your son is suffering. If he forces you to choose then he's not a man worth keeping. Ask him to give it some serious thought. If he is willing to support you in your choice, he's a keeper, but not otherwise.

Kikibee Wed 06-May-20 09:47:54

My son is in a similar situation, although my situation is different as I have moved to another town during lockdown to stay with my mother who lives alone and would not be able to cope on her own.

I face time my son most days but also his brother lives close by to support him if he needs it. I think that talking is the key here, even if they do all the talking, or being there even if there is nothing to say, a familiar face always helps.

I agree that both of my sons come before any partner who is not accepting of them the way that they are, unless of course there is good reason for the dislike.

Mental health is really important at this time - knowing that someone is always there really helps, can any other family members support you in this?

Wishing you all the best at this tough time....

Want2Help Wed 06-May-20 09:50:10

You can't afford to ignore your concerns, esp as your son has mental health issues and is isolated. I'm guessing you feel worried your partner will leave, well I'd let him tbh but I very much doubt he would. At the moment it sounds as if your son is facing a crisis. As for yourself, if you can find the courage to invite your son back home, you will get emotional support from the Samaritans. They're there for anyone going through difficulties. All the best though, you sound like a lovely caring Mom flowers x

polnan Wed 06-May-20 09:50:24

my experience, if feeling suicidal, won`t call anyone, can`t talk.

I would first find out why my partner resents son,

one step at a time.

Venus Wed 06-May-20 09:51:08

Family comes first. You must support your son at this time. If your partner can't see that, then he's not the right man for you.

TanaMa Wed 06-May-20 09:52:21

It is all well and good to say have the son come to stay irrespective of what the husband has said BUT - what happens if he owns the house and she and her son are put out on the street? Unfortunately the wife may not have a say if she is not co-owner.

Toadinthehole Wed 06-May-20 09:53:08

I agree with other posters. Unless there’s a really good reason for your partner to dislike him, threatening behaviour for example, children, no matter how old, come first, particularly if they are vulnerable. How long have you been with this man? I have a friend who’s been with his lady 30 years. The lady’s son in law tried to kill my friend by strangulation. They weren’t all living together, but my friend didn’t want to be in the house anymore when they visited. In this instance, I would say the ‘ child ‘ should leave, but these were very different circumstances. It sounds like your son needs you, and as someone else said, you can replace a man.

Coco51 Wed 06-May-20 09:53:59

Have to agree with most comments here - I made it clear to my partner that the children came first. I would not expect him to put me before his son, just as I would put my children before him. It is a terrible situation to be in, but ultimately you can get another partner but you cannot get another son. x

NotSpaghetti Wed 06-May-20 09:54:21

If you are only in touch by phone you may not be able to help properly but can possibly help him through if he is low rather than in a serious place:

Send "5 things to be grateful for" by text and ask him to send 5 back. Do this as long as you and he want to.
These could be anything positive..."the lively sound of birds singing" "chocolate pudding" "the view at sunset over the rooftops" "grateful I have got running water" "for my lovely children". If you like you can add reasons to make the 5 more deliberately personal.
Ask him to send 5 back. It's well known that thinking about the positives (even if tiny) has a huge effect on mental health.

The other thing you can do is send little treats. A bar of chocolate, a book, a cross-stitch kit ?. These remind the other person you are thinking about them.

There are others on Gransnet who know better than I do how to handle this but these two simple ways to try to reach out to him are a start.

Oh, and make sure he's having fresh fruit/veg if possible. I have sourced a greengrocer for a relative, sent the first box and I know they are ordering for themselves now.
I know he's an adult but he's still one of "yours".

Pennylane4711 Wed 06-May-20 09:54:23

My son also has mental health issues but has decided to try living alone to see how it goes. If that ever changes he is welcome to live with me again. Any man in my life would have to understand this or go.