husbands

Willow73. I felt like you some time ago and wrote a long post on here about how I was feeling and the consensus was for me to get him to go. Fast forward a couple of years and things have changed. He has a hobby which I hate and we have different tastes in some things. A year ago I had an operation and he helped but after that I was diagnosed with something much worse and he has been there for me. Of course I can be critical but knowing he was there was such a relief as I would not have managed on my own. During lockdown he was furloughed and much as I like my own space we actually got on well and had chance to talk. I told him of my fears and as I was always someone who coped and got on with things he realised that my illness had had a real impact on me. There are days when he drives me nuts but now I tell him how I feel. I got him to sign a disclaimer against my property and agreed a monetary amount for him should anything happen to me. He has become a father figure to my two boys and will do anything to help them with their new homes. So I have had the long talks with friends, endless thinking about what to do and have come to the conclusion that life is ok and I am happy. When I am fully recovered and Covid is done and dusted I know we will get back to him being away most weekends and me doing my own thing but for the time being Im sticking as I am.

In your position I think I would try talking and make sure he listens. It may be that you could discuss your house by saying you preparing for 'if anything should happen to me' scenario. When your mind is made up, firstly make your plans, get advice and know what you are doing, try to be amicable and then move on. Things will be strange to start with but Im sure you will be happy and look back on this and learn from it. My friend always says 'Everything for a reason' and I do believe in this. Good luck with whatever you decide. Keep strong

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow73
Have you discussed your feelings with H that from your side of the fence you observe a marriage that has passed its sell by date.?
Going it alone can be difficult mainly financial so before you make any decisions talk to H.










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u make any decisions, which you could regret. talk to H.

Dear Willow no body has the right to tell you what to do so the decision has to be yours. Is it lockdown that has made you think this, do you think? My husband and I have been married for 40 years this November and we couldn't be any more opposite in thinking and hobbies, but I would never change things and neither would he. Our hobbies are mostly all different, I love knitting, hes a very accomplished artist although would tell you otherwise. I love baking he only goes into kitchen if you force him too. I dont mind housework he loathes it. He loves gadgets and I absolutely hate them, give me chalk and board any day. I retired last year and project managed complete overhaul of house and am quite happy with hammer and screwdriver in hand, he would run at the thought of helping. He still works, accountant, I was a nursing sister and took early retirement. What I am saying is for us lockdown has been a wonderful experience as we have never had the time to appreciate each other for long. For us it has reinforced our love for each other. For you it has made you scared and prioritized your thinking. If you feel that you cannot go on leave but ensure you leave without guilt. As we get older our thoughts and ideas do change and love for some is not for life. You have to be true to you and no one else to make life bearable. I have friends that lockdown has proved too much for them as a couple. You must talk with your husband, but you must never blame yourself for change. Live life to the full and enjoy every moment. Good luck. Xxxxx

I was in your situation, Willow73, a few years ago. The house was mine and he moved in. After a few years, I realised what a huge mistake I had made (lots of reasons, but mainly his total selfishness which became more apparent after I became ill). Fortunately, we never married and I eventually got him to move out. It was like a huge weight being lifted and I have never looked back. I love living on my own now and not having to share my "space". I have good friends and a lovely family and can do exactly what I want when I want. I don't want or need another man in my life now (been there, done that). As the saying goes, "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince" and there are too many "frogs" out there for my liking.
Go for it!! You will not look back

Lolly69 has said it: "I should never have remarried."
The financial implications of marriage are huge. For Willow73 this is not a helpful thing to say, I know, but my impression is that, for the gransnet generation, cohabit by all means, but keep your finances separate.

At 59 you are far to young to settle with a loveless marriage.
It’s not fair on either of you.
If you really don’t love him and can afford to leave, do so

Should have added that he used to be chatty and interested in things, not now, he has no friends, never wants to go anywhere so there is no joint social life.

I’m in the same position, I’ve known for 10 years that our relationship has gone (should never have remarried- was a widow for 12 years). Unfortunately he has no money (first suffered and family before I met him), so he’s sitting pretty here. The house is mine, even the car he drives I bought and he only pays a share in food, utilities etc. Is an academic with no practical skills, everyone loves him. I’ve tried to get him to leave many times but he’s like a limpet mine and just stays. Difficult situation as I’m not leaving everything myself and my late husband worked for.

Willow 73 , just to say I am going through the same as you at the moment and have not been communicating with my husband for 2months . In that time we have put the house up for sale and decided to call it a day . And at 67 I have never ever been so scared of what will happen in all of my life . But in all honesty if you feel your marriage is over the go for it , because life is to short and we ALL deserve Happiness .. this is just to let you no you are not the only one in this position it’s awful and I no it .... my very best regards Eunice X

I wouldn't make any decisions during lockdown. I feel as if I don't love my husband any more. Everything he does annoys me. Everything! But I'm holding on to the fact that 'when all this is over' he won't be such a focus for me and we'll be able to go back to the usual ups and downs of our relationship, which is more good than bad.

In the words of Gladys Night - 'I would rather be with him in his world than without him in mine" if this doesn't ring true then perhaps you should find a new life.

I am 71 and been married for nearly 50:years. My husband has no,hobbies and doesn’t like seeing mine around the house, I have absolutely no,idea what love is and never have had. We have 2 children and 5 grandchildren. My husband was almost completely selfish until,I becam I’ll and am now,disabled. He is my career in that he cooks most of the time. Not sure that a relationship,needs to be about love.

Lay your plans.
Check your finances.

One life to live, so GO!

Living alone is very very EASY.

Enjoy yourself whilst you still have your health.

We have been married for 56 years. There have been many times when I have felt like walking out. Even when our three children were growing up; I stayed because I didn’t have the courage to go, although I told myself it was for the kids.

I don’t think the thing to ask is, ‘Do I love him?’. Love changes as we mature together. Ask, ‘Do I LIKE him?’ Would I choose him as a friend? My man isn’t perfect, and neither am I. But, yes, I like him. He’s been a good friend to me, and still is.

I often wonder if you really need to have the same interests to be in a good marriage.
I think that these days, due to the working hours , travel and in effect leading a nearly separate lives , it has become so easy to drift into a marriage or partnership that isn't seen as the traditional where the expectation seems to be that they are joined at the hip!
One of my uncles and his wife , though a bit older than you, have been married for 50 years and since my uncle retired have really lead separate lives - they have separate friends, they don't even watch the same tv programmes and in fact, actually sit in different rooms in the evenings and only meet up for meals and they are happy with that.
Have you actually sat down with your husband and asked him how he feels ?
If you really feel that you can't stay in your marriage, make sure that you get legal advice and see if you can get advice from the CAB as to any entitlements etc. Work it all out and then decide.

I am not certain why you feel retirement will make a difference, has being alone with your husband during lockdown been difficult?

Having different interests and hobbies isn't such a big thing, if both you and he respect the other's right to do things apart.

I agree that a successful marriage does need some kind of common ground.

I think you need to discuss all this with your husband, taking the following in to consideration:

What attracted you to each other originally?
How do each of you view your marriage?
What are your and his plans for retirement?

You say you no longer love your husband, but do you like and respect him still, or not?

What changes would he and you need to make for you to want to continue your marriage?

Sit down and visualise what your life will be like if you leave.
Quite apart from the money angle, are you sure you will enjoy living alone?

Only you can decide whether to leave or stay.

Go, go, go! I’m 59 and crackers about my husband but if I wasn’t I would leave. It’s not fair to either of you to live a life that doesn’t suit either of you. You only get one life so go for it. If he loves you though be prepared to feel guilty. I left my first (lovely ) husband 33 years ago (taking my kids with me) He died a few years ago in tragic circumstances having never recovered from the separation (although we all got on). I still feel guilty but I don’t regret it.

I had the same problem and decided to call time on a very long but toxic marriage after counselling ( in which he talked over me throughout the sessions) confirmed the lack of compatibility ahead during retirement. But my husband is still resisting settling our finances which will be resolved eventually but has left me in difficult position. Even though the house is yours you still need to get professional advice in case he makes a claim against matrimonial assets which include the home, and the amount he might be able to claim will depend on his financial position and needs. Late life divorces often result in reduced standard of living for both sides unless you are both independently equally financially comfortable.

I would add however that you you may find you are exchanging one form of stress and misery for another in the process, but there will be light at the end of the tunnel should you you choose to end the relationship. If you do own the house I would suggest that you do not move out ( unless you are at risk) but seek advice on how to get your husband to move into alternative accommodation. I left our jointly owned home to move to what I thought would be temporary rented accommodation but as a result my husband is doing all he can to block a sale as he is now living rent and mortgage free.

I love my freedom, I travel extensively (normally) and love making my own decisions. Some can stay in a loveless relationship, fine if you both feel the same, but in life we have to be true to ourselves. My AC and their families are my main consideration and they are all so supportive of me following my dreams after never finding the elusive Mr Right.

I agree with those who have said make sure this is not a lock down response - its a big decision. Also please find a counsellor, maybe via Relate - at a moment like this it is important to find someone who will help you step back and think about your choices and what is happening in your marriage. You need support to do this and many marriages are able to continue well, with the right support at critical times. In the end you may still decide to leave, but its worth getting support and counselling first.

I lost my husband many years ago now after a really happy marriage. Have got used to living alone but it does take some getting used to. However, I think that is better than living with someone you don't love or share interests with. I find it interesting that you are his 3rd wife! What went wrong in the other two?
I had an opportunity of being in a partnership again and at first all was fine, but in the end I couldn't envisage living with someone who seemed to relish having 'medical' problems, asking me to make plans for holidays, going to the theatre, moving house, buying a holiday home etc only for him to switch off completely and say or do nothing!! Now I make my own plans and please myself!
Whatever your decision, good luck.

It may be that separating is the right thing for you but remember that lockdown isn’t how it’s going to be long term and loads of relationships are under huge stress during this time. It’s natural to have different interests but lots of couples do their own thing separately and then get together at other times. If you can, you might want to wait for a bit of normality and see if you still feel the same. All difficulties are magnified when we’re stuck together almost 24/7. Good luck with whatever decision you make,

Unless there is domestic abuse of any kind, I'd stay for now until the covid crisis is settled.

Life is too short. Dump him if you don’t live him or want to be with him. Don’t waste your life xxx