Gransnet forums



(111 Posts)
Willow73 Sun 07-Jun-20 11:38:09

Anyone out there who has totally different hobbies and like different things to their husbands? Lockdown has made me realise what life will be like when he retires. I don't love him anymore so feel like I should perhaps call our marriage a day and live on my own to do what I want, when I want. We have no children together and I am 59, should I stay or go?

rosenoir Sun 07-Jun-20 11:52:17

In your situation I would go, it is very difficult to live with somebody when you do not love them.

In time you will become resentful and every little thing he does will annoy you.

It will also give him a chance to find another partner if that is what he wants.

B9exchange Sun 07-Jun-20 12:00:01

First thought could you afford to go?

I have very different interests to DH, he is all sport which I have no interest in, and I like craft work, reading medical biographies and cookery.

But we do have children and grandchildren, which does provide a common interest. Is this a second marriage, as you say you have no children together? Do you not treat each other's children and grandchildren as your own?

For us, once we had picked ourselves up from the shock of retirement, we started to travel, and that has given us a combined interest.

If you have tried sitting down and discussing what you each want from your retirement and they are two completely different things with no compromises possible, then you might want to consider separate futures, but do try counselling first?

Namsnanny Sun 07-Jun-20 12:02:42

Check out all your financial details to get an idea of what divorce will mean in practical terms. When the time is right try a break on your own to think about everything.
Then make the decision.
Good luck

ladymuck Sun 07-Jun-20 12:03:50

If you feel you don't wish to spend the rest of your life with this man, then don't. But plan carefully, save some money and focus your mind on living alone.

EllanVannin Sun 07-Jun-20 12:24:57

Willow if there's any way you can salvage your marriage try and do so, as living alone isn't easy.
It might appear so at first until realisation kicks in that it's long-term.
Just because interests aren't shared isn't a que to get out of a marriage, find a level playing ground where you can have your interests and leave him to find his.

If you have friends, meet up and/or even holiday with them because if it's a trusting relationship this will be permitted.

It also depends what both of you want from life too. I have a daughter your age Willow and I'd be devastated if she ever parted company with her husband at this late stage in her life and would do my utmost to try and mend things. They are on their own as their AC have all flown the nest.

I'd be thinking more about the financial situation more than anything else particularly in this climate.

sodapop Sun 07-Jun-20 13:18:16

Several people on GN left their marriages at your age or older Willow73 including me. It's not easy at first but better alone and happy than miserable with someone else.
However I do think you should talk to your husband and see how he feels, you may be able to reach an accommodation which suits you both. Things are in a state of flux at present so it's not a good time for such big decisions. I hope you find a way through this somehow.

Sparklefizz Sun 07-Jun-20 13:31:13

How would you feel Willow73 if he suddenly became ill and you had to look after him? Would you feel trapped?

And even worse, what if you suddenly became ill yourself? Would he look after you?

If those prospects fill you with horror, then that is your answer. Start making plans ready for lockdown to end.

Davida1968 Sun 07-Jun-20 13:35:20

Wise words from Sparklefizz and others here. What do you want the rest of your life to be like, Willow78?

ladymuck Sun 07-Jun-20 13:37:43

Good thinking, Sparklefizz, One of the reasons why I left my husband was because he enjoyed being an invalid. The prospect of him developing a long term health problem and expecting me to be at his beck and call was enough for me to give up my home and garden and make a fresh start alone.

TrendyNannie6 Sun 07-Jun-20 13:46:45

If they are no feelings left for him and you don’t love him anymore, I think you should get your finances in order and consider living on your own, I couldn’t live with my husband if I didn’t love him, it’s not fair on you or him, everyone deserves to be happy and your husband can find someone else if that’s what he would like to do in time, you are already thinking about what life would be like when he retires, I would be speaking to him and explaining how you feel. You owe him that much,

Willow73 Sun 07-Jun-20 14:36:54

Thank you for all your kind words. It is not a good time at the moment and I think that I should try and talk to him, but he always talks over me, thinks he is always right and I just get exhausted going round in circles saying the same things over again, so I usually just give up. I am his 3rd wife, he has children from his other marriages, we only see 1 of them, the others after time just stopped seeing us. I have 3 children too all left the nest.Finances are no problem as the house is mine.

TrendyNannie6 Sun 07-Jun-20 14:45:00

You do what you think is best willow, I think you have probably made your decision, Wishing you all the very best in the future x

annep1 Sun 07-Jun-20 14:59:06

If finances are all right no reason to stay if you don't want to.
I didn't find it hard living alone at all. The joy of just doing what I wanted to do. No arguing or stress. Bliss. ( of course I may be remembering wrongly)

FlexibleFriend Sun 07-Jun-20 15:58:18

I'm 65 and have been divorced 5 years, I decided to divorce because I'd recently been diagnosed with a life changing/limiting condition and my ex made it all about him. He told me my illness had ruined his life and couldn't comprehend why I laughed. I certainly couldn't face him retiring and being around me full time so I bit the bullet.
Like you I owned my house outright but that's not how the courts view it. Even though I paid my mortgage off decades ago when I was 40 and we'd only been together 9 years the court has a starting point of everything gets split 50/50. So even though I was unable to work and use a wheelchair I was ordered to sell the house and give him 25% of the sale. I didn't, I negotiated an agreement with him whereby I paid him 25% of the value without selling the house. He was happy and me not so much but it was better than moving.
All I'm saying is divorce through solicitors and the courts is very expensive and pensions and investments and every asset is up for grabs with a starting point of a 50/50 split on everything. My legal fees were 25k and his considerably higher. All that said I wouldn't change a thing, I'm still far better off on every level without him. Only you can decide for yourself what you want to do.

Barmeyoldbat Sun 07-Jun-20 16:10:05

You have a lot life left, so enjoy it while you can and go.

Jane10 Sun 07-Jun-20 16:32:27

Willow if, as you say, he talks over you and doesn't listen why not write a letter to him. In straightforward language outline your concerns. Keep emotion out of it if possible just explain the situation as you see it. That might really make him think and gives you the opportunity to get your points over without being interrupted or diverted.

1404kiwi Sun 07-Jun-20 16:36:11

If you do decide to make a change and move on then please do go and see a few lawyers first. I saw two who told be I wasn’t entitled to what I had researched and knew I was (both men) and then on a recommendation I went to see another lawyer (female) who agreed with me re the legal position and she dealt with everything very calmly and professionally. With my now ex partner who sounds a lot like yours I let him bluster and get angry and remained calm at all times as I knew if I got angry it would make matters much worse. I have now been divorced for four years and we have both moved on and although it was not a great thing to go through (not my choice of his creating ) I’m enjoying my new calmer life.

Lucca Sun 07-Jun-20 17:41:38

Someone upthread said living alone isn’t easy. It’s certainly a lot better and easier than living with someone you don’t love or, by the sound of it, even like.

lemongrove Sun 07-Jun-20 17:46:02

Do you like him for most of the time though Willow?
As others say, how is he when you aren’t well, is he caring?
Only you knows what to do for the future, but don’t stay out of pity for him or because you don’t want to live alone.Do the pros outweigh the cons for staying?

annep1 Sun 07-Jun-20 19:26:07

Flexiblefriend it says a lot about him that he took your money. Good decision.

BBbevan Sun 07-Jun-20 19:31:10

I would ask him how he feels. He may feel the same as you and you could come to some mutual understanding

Jane10 Sun 07-Jun-20 20:01:52

Yes. Give him a chance to know how you feel.

Willow73 Mon 08-Jun-20 08:17:02

I'm so confused. But thank you all for talking to me it has helped.

edsnana Mon 08-Jun-20 10:04:40

Willow73 I have had several conversations like this with friends recently. The stress of lockdown cannot be ignored here and life when he retires will be different to this. It may be that leaving the marriage is your best choice but I would suggest wait til this is all over before making any decision. Good luck