husbands

After reading your 2nd report, I think I would leave or ask him to leave or have a trial separation. As you are his 3rd wife and he has children who do not want to see him, does make me wonder if he is not an easy man to get on with.
I have been married 43 years and wish I had been able to leave in the early years but could not as I had no family or money. The main reason I would have left was to change his attitude to people.
He was a very good father to the children and not so much as they have become adults as he does not know how to deal with them.
His main problem, to all of us, that he is not demonstrative and never hugs or kisses anyone, me included.
He can be very good to me when required especially when I broke my ankle recently so we just plod along as the grass is not always greener and my children would never accept it if I left and I really have no where else to go.

I am in a similar situation.
My husband is 15 years older than me, he is 80 in September and I am 64
He isnt a bad man, very kind and loving, he doesnt have any serious illness except a memory problem border line, and moderate COPD
Like you willow, I don't love him anymore and I stay, because he is now elderly and I feel he needs me
We dont own our house, still have a big mortgage I have grown up daughters living in the US and OZ with my 4 grandchildren, so it is just us.
There is no sex anymore and hasnt been for 5 years
When I came back from oz end dec I put house up for sale, I was ready to end the marriage, as something upsetting happened whilst I was over there
Lockdown happened, house is now off the market and I am still here
We get on as friends but I feel I need more

I left. At 70. For the same reasons and more, but if you go, be warned: you will miss your home (far more than you miss him at first); then you will miss him. I do. Even now, but I work through it. I gave him 22 years of my life and he took them along with my health, wealth and sanity. I will not give him the satisfaction of crawling back to him because I know that six weeks down the line, I'll want to leave again. Please be sure. Be very sure. It's tough on your own and there aren't many rewards apart fro the satisfaction of finally rediscovering yourself and being your own person again.

PS counselling is still going on - even under Lockdown - via webcam, live chats and over the phone.

I divorced my husband in my early fifties. Thr children had gone and settled with partners. I realised I needed a much more nurturing relationship. I eventually re-married, as he has too. I think we have both had better lives apart. Remember - no-one says it will be easy, but it will be better.

EllanVannin Living alone is fine. I live alone out of choice. I have family, friends and a partner but no desire to have another man under my roof.

I think living alone is great. Some people just can’t be on their own so keep marrying unsuitable partners and end up unhappy. OP states her DH has bern married 3 times. If one must get married then take it seriously.

Advice to OP - think things through carefully, plan ahead and make the break. 59 isn’t old these days; you have a lot of living left. Good luck.

ask him to leave, you have a right
to some happiness. lots of ladies are happier on their own.
check the financial side carefully though.

Willow Maybe you need to speak to your husband and also get legal advice to clarify your position re property etc.

Firstly, I urge you to contact RELATE who are the specialists in relationship counselling - you don't have to go with your husband (or find a local counsellor you feel comfortable working with). You desperately need someone outside the relationship (and even your family) who has no agenda for you and is totally impartial, to talk this through - it's a big decision. Secondly, consult a solicitor so that you know exactly what the courts would be likely to conclude (as others have said, just because the house is in your name, doesn't mean you can hold onto it). Also, make sure you have copies of all his financial investments, dealings, etc (partners have been known to hide all this when they realise that they are heading to the divorce courts). Personally, I wouldn't tell him what you're doing until you've decided what's best for YOU (after doing work with a counsellor and seeing the solicitor). You never know, he might agree to go to relationship counselling with you but if he doesn't, then at least you'll be in a much stronger position. Preparation is the key.

You are young enough to meet someone else if you want to and if you are financially secure I would certainly go for it in your position.
Being in love and loving someone I feel are 2 different things and if you feel neither then you are wasting what is left of your life.

Willow73. I would leave, in fact I did leave, I left everything I owned and walked out in just the clothes I was wearing, mine was different circumstances than yours as I was being abused.
But just to say you can make a new life for yourself, why live in a miserable place with some one you no longer love. I wish you good luck and happiness for your new future if you take it.❤️??xx

Willow73 I have had several conversations like this with friends recently. The stress of lockdown cannot be ignored here and life when he retires will be different to this. It may be that leaving the marriage is your best choice but I would suggest wait til this is all over before making any decision. Good luck

I'm so confused. But thank you all for talking to me it has helped.

Yes. Give him a chance to know how you feel.

I would ask him how he feels. He may feel the same as you and you could come to some mutual understanding

Flexiblefriend it says a lot about him that he took your money. Good decision.

Do you like him for most of the time though Willow?
As others say, how is he when you aren’t well, is he caring?
Only you knows what to do for the future, but don’t stay out of pity for him or because you don’t want to live alone.Do the pros outweigh the cons for staying?

Someone upthread said living alone isn’t easy. It’s certainly a lot better and easier than living with someone you don’t love or, by the sound of it, even like.

If you do decide to make a change and move on then please do go and see a few lawyers first. I saw two who told be I wasn’t entitled to what I had researched and knew I was (both men) and then on a recommendation I went to see another lawyer (female) who agreed with me re the legal position and she dealt with everything very calmly and professionally. With my now ex partner who sounds a lot like yours I let him bluster and get angry and remained calm at all times as I knew if I got angry it would make matters much worse. I have now been divorced for four years and we have both moved on and although it was not a great thing to go through (not my choice of his creating ) I’m enjoying my new calmer life.

Willow if, as you say, he talks over you and doesn't listen why not write a letter to him. In straightforward language outline your concerns. Keep emotion out of it if possible just explain the situation as you see it. That might really make him think and gives you the opportunity to get your points over without being interrupted or diverted.

You have a lot life left, so enjoy it while you can and go.

I'm 65 and have been divorced 5 years, I decided to divorce because I'd recently been diagnosed with a life changing/limiting condition and my ex made it all about him. He told me my illness had ruined his life and couldn't comprehend why I laughed. I certainly couldn't face him retiring and being around me full time so I bit the bullet.
Like you I owned my house outright but that's not how the courts view it. Even though I paid my mortgage off decades ago when I was 40 and we'd only been together 9 years the court has a starting point of everything gets split 50/50. So even though I was unable to work and use a wheelchair I was ordered to sell the house and give him 25% of the sale. I didn't, I negotiated an agreement with him whereby I paid him 25% of the value without selling the house. He was happy and me not so much but it was better than moving.
All I'm saying is divorce through solicitors and the courts is very expensive and pensions and investments and every asset is up for grabs with a starting point of a 50/50 split on everything. My legal fees were 25k and his considerably higher. All that said I wouldn't change a thing, I'm still far better off on every level without him. Only you can decide for yourself what you want to do.

If finances are all right no reason to stay if you don't want to.
I didn't find it hard living alone at all. The joy of just doing what I wanted to do. No arguing or stress. Bliss. ( of course I may be remembering wrongly)

You do what you think is best willow, I think you have probably made your decision, Wishing you all the very best in the future x

Thank you for all your kind words. It is not a good time at the moment and I think that I should try and talk to him, but he always talks over me, thinks he is always right and I just get exhausted going round in circles saying the same things over again, so I usually just give up. I am his 3rd wife, he has children from his other marriages, we only see 1 of them, the others after time just stopped seeing us. I have 3 children too all left the nest.Finances are no problem as the house is mine.