husbands

The house being in my name did not protect me on divorce. I saw 3 solicitors and all gave the same advice, I had to remortgage to give him half. It made things financially very difficult for me and my teenage daughter.

DW and I have totally different interests.
From time to time I help with her gardening, but she won't even enter the workshop, if it can be avoided.
We don't even like the same TV programmes!
Our driving styles differ slightly; neither likes the other's driving!
We do share a love of animals, our children and GC.
We have survived well over 50 years of marriage, in this way.
So look for the good things together.
You might finish up poorer and less happy on your own.

If you don't love your husband anymore then you should leave/seperate.

My husband is unable to enjoy his hobbies now due to ill health and seems unable to think of new ones to try, I have tried suggesting things. He was a workaholic and retired over 4 years ago due to ill health. I retired at the same time. He keeps wanting to come with me to things and I don't want him to - I want to enjoy some time on my own for my hobbies. I find it very stifling and soul destroying, so much so that I am slowly ceasing to go out! We are NOT joined at the hip, must get a grip and change my life.

I was in your situation. I would say to absolutely not waste any more of your life if you don't love him. I am happier than I've ever been living alone, the only thing which was difficult at the beginning was learning to live on a lot less money. I'm in a much better position now having learned to budget.

Willow, don’t know if my post will help you at all but, lockdown has shown me how I was right to leave my husband 16 years ago. I too have been married 3 times ( abuse, rebound for security) I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and lockdown has highlighted how lovely our life is together and made me revisit my previous marriages in my head and think how miserable I would have been.
As someone else said, life is not a dress rehearsal. If you can afford it plan ahead for after lockdown. But you don’t have to rush it, take your time to work out where you want to go etc.
Good luck and best wishes.

I am so sorry you feel the way you do, maybe ask yourself a couple of things; what is telling me that I don't love him any more, can anything be changed? Are my expectations of how life will be, post parting, realistic?
Also be prepared for the grieving process you will inevitably go through if you ho ahead with the separation. Even when it's your decision to leave, there is still a loss to mourn. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

It is difficult when spouse retires, mine has and we have realised how different we are. Different politics, different religion and different hobbies but main problem is lack of personal space after retirement. Having said that we have worked through all this and are doing ok. We now give each other space and pursue interests with friends as well as each other. Main thing is to listen properly with respect.

Willow73 your post rings alarm bells with me. Although I know that this sounds unlikely, it was only after divorcing my husband to escape from an abusive 28 year marriage, that I realised he was actually a narcissist.
Even the little you say about your hubby resonates with this. Please do some research online and you will confirm whether he fits the very well defined, rigid pattern of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I recommend the site of Kim Saeed, who explains the dynamics of this disorder very well.
All the specialists advise you to leave any partner with this disorder, as they will never change, and your own suffering will continue unabated.
It took me seven years of counselling to eventually be in a position to leave, which I had to do to survive.
I wish you all the best.

I always supported my husband to follow his own hobbies. He is now disabled and is very frustrated and I have become his carer. I could not do this if I no longer loved him. I have some support from our adult children and grandchildren. We are together every day now in Lockdown and Life ticks along. Leave if you don’t want a life together. You won’t have to look after him nor he you.

Don’t live with someone your not happy with , that’s far worse than living on your own , and worse still , that he disrespects you by talking over you . I live on my own and it can be good, you can do things as and when you want, go wherever you want to go , the freedom I’d just great . The only way that I would settle down is with someone I love and who loves me . Don’t waste your precious life on this marriage , life is so very short .

I think you are right to contemplate what life will be like together when you retire. When we were both working I was able to pursue my own interests and work sent me on courses too so my husband and I got a break from each other, plus there were the children. The fact that he had no interests outside work wasn't a problem. He has never really had any friends living nearby although he would socialise at the pub and he likes a bet on the horses. Now we are both retired and he has found nothing to take the place of work (which he hated incidentally) and I feel unable to pursue my interests or take up new ones because he has none. Literally none and I have to nag him to make an effort to come out with me to anywhere other than the supermarket. If I had my way I'd be off somewhere every other week but all I get is its too far, why do I want to go there. I think he is actually quite enjoying the covid lockdown as its an excuse to stay home. So if you have no children and you value your freedom I would say, go.

Take your time. I don't think this is something to rush into. See how things are when life gets back to something like normality. I'm the meantime talk to someone you trust. Just sharing the worry and confusion will help.

Can you have a friendship where you live together, but "divorce" from being a wife? Can you live together but see other people with ground rules?

I left my relationship of 30 years in October 2018, so I have had some time of living on my own now and I very much prefer it. I am 63 and I wish I had left 10 ears earlier.

Make sure you have the money to leave him. Tell him you want to leave and why. He probably feels the same. But be sure you have the details worked out and all your ducks in a row before you make a move. Also, be sure he can't mess around and become vindictive.

I did it - waited until our children had left school and then left: 20+ years ago. By then I was the breadwinner and our slightly unusual circumstances meant I could leave him with the house for the children to return to and rent a place on my own. It’s worked out OK for me - in the end: but it wasn’t an easy ride, and although they were so-called grown up and the separation was mostly amicable, I think it was also hard for the children. I would say really only do it if you can see no alternative, and be prepared for pain as well as joy. The best thing for me? The confidence boost I got from discovering I could go it alone

Thank you to you all for your comments and advice. It is not a good time now with all going on for me to make a decision.
I am taking each day as it comes. He is a control freak, his job is project management and I think thats what he tries to do at home with me. Maybe I am too as I like to do everything in the house myself and have brought up 3 children alot of the time on my own. I met him when I needed comfort and he was a comfort to me, kind to the children, was funny and looked after us. I'm rattling on as confused, I'm not an outgoing person and can get scared easily.

I wonder how many couples are planning to split up when life returns to normal? Being cooped up together really does show up the cracks in any relationship. No matter how much you like someone, you don't want to be with them all the time.

Men don't change. Get rid.

You have to think of finances too. If it is your house you might end up having to pay him to get him out. That happened to friend of mine. Live separate lives as that way it will not affect your bank balance. It's hard to struggle when you are older.

I have private messaged you

Willow
If you are miserable living with him I would separate.
My oh and I are completely chalk and cheese, we have no common interests at, but, we are happy with each other and enjoy each other’s company. And we still laugh together.
Can you say That?

Willow73, I have sent a PM.

Willow73, I am on my second marriage. It will be 7 years this December. Soon after we married, we discovered we absolutely could not live together. However, rather than divorce, we live separately. He has his own house, and I have my own condo. We see each other on weekends, and get along perfectly. It is the best of both worlds. I have my peace, yet he is there for me when I need him, and vice versa. It eliminates the cost of divorce, the total feeling of being alone and on my own, and if he should pass before me, I know there will be some financial security left for me,as I would get half his pension and other marital assets. I dont know your situation, but for me so far its a win-win. Another option to consider. Best of luck to you.