Being monitored by my 11 year old granddaughter

That would be a real shame if the poster had been scared away. To clarify the reason I asked why the 3 weeks was more to try and ascertain if it was a wee holiday for the GC or maybe work or a health emergency or something which would give both the OP and her GC additional worries at the time of the stay, making it a bit more fraught. No judgement here, everyone has to live their lives as they see fit regardless of lockdown status and location, I hope OP can handle her feelings and resolve with her family.

Perhaps the poster has read the replies offering advice and thought to herself - thank you for advice but I won't be acknowledging any replies given the tone of some of the others.

Not everywhere has been lockdown to the same extent as the UK and the OP doesn't owe anyone an explanation as to why her granddaughter has been able to stay with her.

I agree with others who are asking why she was staying for 3 weeks. I know that my parenting vs my parents was and is very different, with a different set of expectations for the children. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, and for a few days is bearable, even a fun break: however I know that my children would have struggled with a longer period of time. This doesn’t mean you are a bad Gran in any way shape or form, it’s just very very different living with someone for a fortnight who has different expectations and reactions than what is the child’s normal environment. In your shoes I’d be inclined to ask your DD what specifically your GD was upset about - it could be as simple as home sickness. Please don’t stay upset about it, I think maybe you had high hopes for this stay and your expectations weren’t met which is why you’re taking it to heart: 11 year olds can be tricky, that tweener age where they are rational and irrational at the same time as they transition into young adults is tough. I hope you get to the bottom of it and can have a good chat with your GD to clear the air after you’ve spoken to her mum.

I understand how you feel. 2 years ago when my gd was just 10 her father was in a extremely serious rta. My daughter stayed at the hospital with him and I looked after gd in their home (plus 4 horses, 2 dogs & 2 cats!) for 10 weeks. I found out that gd was texting that I wouldn't let her watch certain tv programmes, made her tidy her room, etc etc. Daughter told her I was in charge but that different people did do things differently. It was hard on all of us, as it was nearly a 3 hour drive to hospital each way. If friends were going to visit quite often they would take gd with them. We finished painting her bedroom - I was told off for moving her huge lego set up, but I put a lot of the strops down to stress. She missed her daddy dreadfully. So there were reasons for her behaviour but I tried to keep things as 'normal' as possible and roughly to her normal routine. Pretty sure she still likes me as when we meet up I still get wonderful hugs. So what I'm trying to say, at this age they are still trying to process everything and have difficulty verbalising. Goodness knows this whole C-19 is hard enough for us adults let alone children.

Just ask her mom. She'll tell you the truth if you have a good relationship. It's the terrible teens hitting hard, and her mom probably struggles with her too. The only difference: she has nowhere else to go when she's home. Ha!

Nope, I understand fully how it must have been for you. I had my 14 year old wild child niece come to stay a few years back, her choice, but my house rules. She didn't like how she was being treated and wanted to go home after 2 days, to the other side of the country. I told her no, she choose to come and neither her mum or I were going to put ourselves out because of her attitude. All I can say its a phase they go through and by the way I am called her favourite aunt despite the harsh life I gave her!

Well, there are ways of getting children to do these things - do them together instead of issuing orders.

It probably doesn't work on those of 13+

Nothing from Nopa to explain where she's based - or why she had broken the lockdown rules?

Of course phoenix but how can a child learn respect without being shown it? If you demand respect and don't give it. What you get may look like respect but it is only compliance. Children learn by example, how to give respect, by knowing how it feels to get it.

She sounds very normal to me! I have been through similar experiences with 2 Granddaughters - it's not personal. They like to think they are grown up but the reality is they still children and a bit scared of the emotions they are feeling, but don't know how to vocalise how the feel.

My two daughters were not much older than than 11 (two or three years) when I introduced them to the washing machine.

I had done a huge washing and returned it all, clean and dry, to five respective chests of drawers, (breathing a sigh of relief), then a day or two later I found the bathroom laundry basket chock full again. I had told them to put their washing into the basket, but I hadn't expected THAT much.

On closer inspection, I recognised most of the clothes in it - they were things I had folded and put away just a day or two before, unworn and clean. They were in the habit of trying on half-a dozen different outfits each day, rejecting them into a heap on the floor, then wearing something completely different. When I told them to pick it all up, they did so, but it all went into the laundry basket. Muggins dutifully washed it all again and put it neatly away.

So I took them to the machine, told them that from now on they were doing their own laundry, and showed them which program to use (mixed load, medium heat) and how much detergent to put in and how to tumble things dry or peg them outside. From that day on, I only washed for them occasionally. It was an excellent move! The electricity bills went up, but it was worth it.

Their brother was three or four years younger, but being feisty females, they insisted when he was old enough that he too went DIY with the laundry. None of them got into a strop about it, and when they left home they were all. accustomed to looking after their own clothes. They could feed themselves too!

Phoenix
It is a 2 way street

At her age (and younger) I would stay with my grand parents every school holiday.

My mother was a single parent, and couldn't take that much time off work.

Starblaze yes children are people, but people of all ages have to learn how to interact with others and show consideration for them.

I agree with Elegran. It's all a matter of amateur psychology with children, and they are becoming hormonal a whole lot earlier than we did back in the day. Two weeks is a long time for anyone to stay with family, let alone an 11 year old. I would hate to have to stay with someone else, even a family member, for two weeks. And just to reinforce what some other GNers have said, how did this happen in lockdown?

I too was wondering how you have had her visit for a couple of weeks when we are still supposed to be distancing.

Accepting that she is indeed there, I would suggest that next time she tries it on with you (now that she has started, she will keep it up!) I don't think I would ask her meekly what I can change to make her stay better - she is likely to have a long string of things that would make her life wonderful and yours no better than a servant's.

Instead, I would tell her as soon as she arrives that you won't be invading her bedroom to make the bed, pick up clothes or tidy up, so it will be up to her to keep it nice - and then stick to that. Don't go over the threshold!

Have a laundry basket in the bathroom or in her bedroom in which she can put anything that needs a wash, and when you are about to start a washing, ask her whether she has anything to add to it. Once it is washed and dry, hand it to her and say "Here is your washing to to put away in the chest of drawers." Don't put it away yourself, and don't make it either a command or a request, just a statement taking it for granted that it will happen.

When it is almost time for her to go home, say "We'll need to strip your bed and put the bedding in the washing machine. You get the duvet cover off while I take off the pillowslips"

Note that she is sharing this with you - you are not doing everything for her, as though she is a helpless infant, or as if she has booked into a luxury hotel, and you are not ordering her about like an underling, but treating her as an equal, keeping her own surroundings reasonably (you hope!) tidy and clean, and joining with you in the final task of getting the bedding washed.

She is on the edge of becoming a responsible adult, and what she learns about that now will stay with her for the rest of her life.

Did she have a friend to play with?
Two weeks is a long time
Why did she go to your home? Was it something she wanted, was she sent there and she had no choice in the matter?

You say she is saying white lies to her mother but that could be her truth and how she saw the situation.
There is not only one truth, there are as many as people involved

Children are people who should have a degree of say over where they stay, how long they stay and what they enjoy doing while they are there. We no longer live in a time where children are supposed to conform to what we believe they should be.

She stayed with you for 2 weeks, that's a long time to be away from home. You should be happy she stayed that long, most 11 year olds would be horrified at the loss of personal space and freedom for that long.

Didn't pick up after herself or make the bed.... So? What harm did that do? My children didn't always tidy and make their beds, it's their space. Of course we have a right to certain standards in our homes but I would always ask, not demand, with a smile on my face and no judgement.

Thanks to those who posted and seemed to agree with at least some of my points!

I was a tad nervous, as there seem to be some happy to do whatever it takes not to upset their dgc.

You can’t be UK based surely, if you can have grandchildren to stay? Lucky you, I say, but however much I love and have missed my lot (and oh, I have!) I’m sure the novelty would have worn off for all concerned if they stayed for so long.

Nopa What a shame. At 11, she SHOULD be picking up her dirty clothes and helping out a bit. Does she have to do those things at home? Perhaps 2 weeks has been a bit of a long time for her (and you?). I adore my GDs (younger than yours) but I wouldn't want them staying for a fortnight.

Sorry but she needs a good talking to.
She needs to respect what you say and she should do as she is told.
As upseting as it is for you,you have to stand your ground or she will run your life and end up a nightmare of a gd.
Please don`t let her upset you as she will think she`s won.

GD to stay? - how does that work with the coronavirus?

inward?

I was

phoenix inward going to ask ' Just who is the adult here?'

However, I still wonder how you managed to have your granddaughter to stay. I've only seen mine once for an hour or so from a 2 metre distance.

She sounds like my eleven year old granddaughter when she’s asked to do stuff. They seem to hit teenage earlier these days. Strops are the norm and as craftyone says, its a funny age when they want to be teenage but still want cuddles and mum - but don’t want to admit it.

I shouldn’t worry too much but be aware that your relationship with her will be changing as she moves away from childhood. (She’ll be wanting to paint her room black soon!)