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Being monitored by my 11 year old granddaughter

(35 Posts)
Nopa Mon 08-Jun-20 16:53:15

Just looking for opinions as I am absolutely crushed that I am being tattled on by my 11 year old granddaughter to her mother. She is staying with me for a couple of weeks and find if I am asking her to pick up her room and dirty clothes, make the bed or get off tictoc it makes her anxious and wants to go home (3 hours away). I also found out she was not telling the whole truth To her mother and added in white lies as she was calling or texting her mother. My other daughter came to bring her home yesterday and I have been crying ever since as we had such a wonderful relationship before. I consider myself a wonderful grandmother, young at heart, athletic and will do anything to have fun. Help

Bibbity Mon 08-Jun-20 17:01:08

It could just be that it was to much time away from home. That she wanted to go home but couldn’t verbalise it so has to orchestrate it.
I wouldn’t take this personally. Has your Daughter said anything?
Have you spoken to your GD since?
I love my GM but after a little while I wanted my own bed, my own house and my own things. There was only so much I could be a guest for.

Callistemon Mon 08-Jun-20 17:02:53

Are you allowed to have her to stay?

Toadinthehole Mon 08-Jun-20 17:07:37

How has she being staying with you for a couple of weeks, during lockdown?

Grammaretto Mon 08-Jun-20 17:14:10

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Don't take it to heart but perhaps you should ask her DM, your DD, if there is a problem.
Hormones kicking in?
Lonely? A child, however much they love you, you are not always the right person at the time. You may be young at heart but you are not 11 and 2 weeks is a long time.
I was "farmed out" as a child to various relations and always wanted to be with my mum. I was very jealous of my younger sibling who was with mum.

rosenoir Mon 08-Jun-20 17:23:52

It was probably easier to tell her mother some white lies so that she could go home rather than saying to you that she did not want to stay any longer.

You could ask her, in a non accusatory tone, if there is anything you could change that would make things better for her when she stays.

V3ra Mon 08-Jun-20 17:26:36

You've been asking her to do a few perfectly reasonable chores.
Does she have to do them at home?
Was she hoping to be waited on or spoilt a bit at yours and it didn't happen?
I'd say let the dust settle for a while and don't make a big deal of it.

craftyone Mon 08-Jun-20 17:27:45

Nopa it was too long a time and you should not have been put in that position. 11 is a very `funny` age and they want the familiarity of their own family and their own things. Don`t take it to heart but accept that things do change as children reach their pre-teens

Keep that distance and be the grandmother but not the child-minder. The dynamics change, it is natural

sodapop Mon 08-Jun-20 17:32:41

I agree V3ra also its quite a worrying time now for some children who get anxious.
I wouldn't fret over this Nopa your granddaughter will pick up on your concerns if you do. Leave things for a while now. Children can be quite manipulative as well, they are not always little angels.

phoenix Mon 08-Jun-20 17:43:43

Don't know what others might think of my response, but here goes!

You are Not her "friend", you are her Grandmother, she is staying in your house, you have every right to ask or expect her to pick up he clothes, make her bed etc.

Don't be emotionally blackmailed by an 11 year old.

NfkDumpling Mon 08-Jun-20 17:45:06

She sounds like my eleven year old granddaughter when she’s asked to do stuff. They seem to hit teenage earlier these days. Strops are the norm and as craftyone says, its a funny age when they want to be teenage but still want cuddles and mum - but don’t want to admit it.

I shouldn’t worry too much but be aware that your relationship with her will be changing as she moves away from childhood. (She’ll be wanting to paint her room black soon!)

Callistemon Mon 08-Jun-20 18:03:31

phoenix inward going to ask ' Just who is the adult here?'

However, I still wonder how you managed to have your granddaughter to stay. I've only seen mine once for an hour or so from a 2 metre distance.

Callistemon Mon 08-Jun-20 18:04:02

inward? confused

I was

Luckygirl Mon 08-Jun-20 18:10:36

GD to stay? - how does that work with the coronavirus?

timetogo2016 Mon 08-Jun-20 18:14:58

Sorry but she needs a good talking to.
She needs to respect what you say and she should do as she is told.
As upseting as it is for you,you have to stand your ground or she will run your life and end up a nightmare of a gd.
Please don`t let her upset you as she will think she`s won.

PinkCakes Mon 08-Jun-20 18:27:17

Nopa What a shame. At 11, she SHOULD be picking up her dirty clothes and helping out a bit. Does she have to do those things at home? Perhaps 2 weeks has been a bit of a long time for her (and you?). I adore my GDs (younger than yours) but I wouldn't want them staying for a fortnight.

Maggiemaybe Mon 08-Jun-20 18:43:21

You can’t be UK based surely, if you can have grandchildren to stay? Lucky you, I say, but however much I love and have missed my lot (and oh, I have!) I’m sure the novelty would have worn off for all concerned if they stayed for so long. grin

phoenix Mon 08-Jun-20 18:50:55

Thanks to those who posted and seemed to agree with at least some of my points!

I was a tad nervous, as there seem to be some happy to do whatever it takes not to upset their dgc.

Starblaze Mon 08-Jun-20 18:55:42

Children are people who should have a degree of say over where they stay, how long they stay and what they enjoy doing while they are there. We no longer live in a time where children are supposed to conform to what we believe they should be.

She stayed with you for 2 weeks, that's a long time to be away from home. You should be happy she stayed that long, most 11 year olds would be horrified at the loss of personal space and freedom for that long.

Didn't pick up after herself or make the bed.... So? What harm did that do? My children didn't always tidy and make their beds, it's their space. Of course we have a right to certain standards in our homes but I would always ask, not demand, with a smile on my face and no judgement.

Hithere Mon 08-Jun-20 18:59:46

Did she have a friend to play with?
Two weeks is a long time
Why did she go to your home? Was it something she wanted, was she sent there and she had no choice in the matter?

You say she is saying white lies to her mother but that could be her truth and how she saw the situation.
There is not only one truth, there are as many as people involved

Elegran Mon 08-Jun-20 19:13:29

I too was wondering how you have had her visit for a couple of weeks when we are still supposed to be distancing.

Accepting that she is indeed there, I would suggest that next time she tries it on with you (now that she has started, she will keep it up!) I don't think I would ask her meekly what I can change to make her stay better - she is likely to have a long string of things that would make her life wonderful and yours no better than a servant's.

Instead, I would tell her as soon as she arrives that you won't be invading her bedroom to make the bed, pick up clothes or tidy up, so it will be up to her to keep it nice - and then stick to that. Don't go over the threshold!

Have a laundry basket in the bathroom or in her bedroom in which she can put anything that needs a wash, and when you are about to start a washing, ask her whether she has anything to add to it. Once it is washed and dry, hand it to her and say "Here is your washing to to put away in the chest of drawers." Don't put it away yourself, and don't make it either a command or a request, just a statement taking it for granted that it will happen.

When it is almost time for her to go home, say "We'll need to strip your bed and put the bedding in the washing machine. You get the duvet cover off while I take off the pillowslips"

Note that she is sharing this with you - you are not doing everything for her, as though she is a helpless infant, or as if she has booked into a luxury hotel, and you are not ordering her about like an underling, but treating her as an equal, keeping her own surroundings reasonably (you hope!) tidy and clean, and joining with you in the final task of getting the bedding washed.

She is on the edge of becoming a responsible adult, and what she learns about that now will stay with her for the rest of her life.

Trisha57 Mon 08-Jun-20 19:22:53

I agree with Elegran. It's all a matter of amateur psychology with children, and they are becoming hormonal a whole lot earlier than we did back in the day. Two weeks is a long time for anyone to stay with family, let alone an 11 year old. I would hate to have to stay with someone else, even a family member, for two weeks. And just to reinforce what some other GNers have said, how did this happen in lockdown?

phoenix Mon 08-Jun-20 19:23:15

At her age (and younger) I would stay with my grand parents every school holiday.

My mother was a single parent, and couldn't take that much time off work.

Starblaze yes children are people, but people of all ages have to learn how to interact with others and show consideration for them.

Hithere Mon 08-Jun-20 19:39:00

It is a 2 way street

Elegran Mon 08-Jun-20 19:41:12

My two daughters were not much older than than 11 (two or three years) when I introduced them to the washing machine.

I had done a huge washing and returned it all, clean and dry, to five respective chests of drawers, (breathing a sigh of relief), then a day or two later I found the bathroom laundry basket chock full again. I had told them to put their washing into the basket, but I hadn't expected THAT much.

On closer inspection, I recognised most of the clothes in it - they were things I had folded and put away just a day or two before, unworn and clean. They were in the habit of trying on half-a dozen different outfits each day, rejecting them into a heap on the floor, then wearing something completely different. When I told them to pick it all up, they did so, but it all went into the laundry basket. Muggins dutifully washed it all again and put it neatly away.

So I took them to the machine, told them that from now on they were doing their own laundry, and showed them which program to use (mixed load, medium heat) and how much detergent to put in and how to tumble things dry or peg them outside. From that day on, I only washed for them occasionally. It was an excellent move! The electricity bills went up, but it was worth it.

Their brother was three or four years younger, but being feisty females, they insisted when he was old enough that he too went DIY with the laundry. None of them got into a strop about it, and when they left home they were all. accustomed to looking after their own clothes. They could feed themselves too!