I just wanted my friends there.

My sympathies to you - not easy at any time but made far more difficult now. I think you are well within your rights to say you had really hoped it would be girls only this time - especially as you, now, don't have a partner to accompany you.

I ache for you.My husband’s funeral was two days before lockdown .Now I can go out I just don’t want to not even to see family .Find it easier to just pass the time of day with strangers as I walk my little dog.In some odd way the time alone has given me time to just be.I hope things get easier for you but I think for a little while we will find it harder to fit back in to the old routines.Take care and God Bless.

Oh, I really feel for you and I'm so sorry about your husband. I would definitely call your friends and say exactly what you've written here. That you've had a dreadful year and just want to see them on their own for comfort. They're your friends, and they love you. I guarantee they'll both immediately understand and say just that.

I can't see why you can't just say to them that because you have been feeling a bit fragile, you would prefer that it was just the 3 of you and maybe arrange to meet up with the husbands later at the end of the walk?

I am surprised that as you have been friends for so long they are being so insensitive! I think you just need to be honest. If they are true friends they shouldn’t be upset.

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. I have to agree with others about the insensitivity of your friends and their husbands actually. I cannot imagine my husband would even want to go on a walk with a load of my friends and especially not under the circumstances. What would I do? Well I think I would probably go for the walk - at some point it would be necessary to get out and about again and meet people with many different life circumstances. You never know, the husbands might be very kind and sympathetic and help you to face everyone again.

Sorry about your husband, they're a bit insensitive to bring their other half along when you have just lost yours. I would just ask them both if it could be just the three of you this time and maybe arrange another meeting with their OH at a later date.

It would be useful to look back at that first message, when your friend asked if it would be okay to bring her husband - what made her think it would be? And what made you stop saying something like "I hoped it would be just the 3 of us"? What did you fear would happen if you said No? (And it's not surprising that the other friend then wanted to bring her partner). Do you have problems saying No? Do you struggle to ask for what you need? Are you fearful of offending anyone? All useful questions to ask for your present and future. Hope you resolved it okay.

Why on earth do people feel that they have to be polite, even in these circumstances? And if they really ARE trusted, good friends, then why can't you tell them how you feel? Look - you're feeling sensitive, so why not just tell them that, say you won't meet them at this time and that you'll meet up "just the three of us" in the future? Hopefully, they'll get the hint.

I would go - i agree it’s disappointing but in all likely hood the men will walk together and you will get chance to talk just the three of you. What are the alternatives ? You stay at home and feel miserable- take a chance what’s to lose

Dear Mumski - I totally understand how you feel in this situation, and my sympathies on your bereavement, at such a difficult time too.
You say your two friends have - up to now - supported you well. I would have told them honestly how I felt - in as kind a way as possible. They just didn't think this through.
I see from the date of your message that you must have resolved this by now. I hope you are alright and that you managed to cope with the situation and did the right thing for you.

Tell them that you just want it to be the three of you. They will understand....they are old friends. If they don't understand I would question why.

I think your friends were insensitive, or possibly thoughtless. I would make an excuse and back out this time around.

The next arrangement you make with them, make it clear that you want it to be a threesome.

Being widowed myself, I hate being the odd one out when the others are in couples. I'm sorry for your loss.

If they’re genuinely good friends, why on earth didn’t you reply something like...

‘oh no, I was really looking forward to an all girls catch up as it’s been so long. We can do partners another time.’

Instead, you’re wasting your time feeling annoyed and upset and posting threads on gransnet.

Why do that to yourself?

Go.
I was a little hesitant to go out after the confinement and nearly didn't unless I felt it was exactly to my needs but
I did go because I felt deep down I had to take the plunge
back into normal life and it was fine , not perfect but a great
confidence builder

Frankly, I think your friends are being grossly inconsiderate.

I would never dream of including my husband in a "girls' outing" just like that, and certainly not when the one person is newly widowed. I am truly sorry for your loss and for the inconsideration shown by your friends.

I understand that you don't want to hurt them, and why you don't really want to go. In your place, I think I would ring up and say that you think it would be better if the two couples went on their own.

If asked why, simply say, that although you are happy for them that they still have their husbands, you are not yet ready to be the widow included kindly in two married couples' outing.

That what you had been looking forward to was seeing your two women friends on their own, so it wouldn't cause too much fuss if you broke down and cried.

I'd just say you are sorry, but at the moment, after what has happened, and being distanced from people for so long you don't feel you can cope with more than just your 2 friends. I can understand their husbands are dying for some socialising too, so perhaps suggest a walk or visit together in another week or so.

My husband was in the merchant navy and I found we got invitations to meals etc with couples when he was home but during the 2/3 of the time he was away I was not invited.
I was only included in all female events. This was in the 70s and 80s when social things were couples. I expect things have changed now and singles are often included? I don't go out really now so don't know.

I wonder if they wanted to include you in things to let you know you can have mixed company even if you are no longer a couple? If it is over a year ago since your husband died they might think perhaps you are ready now to join mixed events as well as all girls? It is a shame it is not the thing you were looking forward to and I can understand you are disappointed but they most likely meant well. Did you go?

Oh I hate when people do this. Is it ok if I bring such and such???
Being polite you say, oh yes fine.
When it’s not.
I think I’d cancel, rebook at a later date, and make it clear it’s just the girls.
So sorry for your loss. This must be a hard time for you. ??

I'm on my own and I just like it when it's just the girls and I. I turn so many things down cos everyone else is in couples and I feel like a spare part.

If they are friends surely without depth in conversation you could say could it just be a girls day out. Maybe the thought is that you could do with loads of company but I feel they would understand.

Totally agree with Illte. We all make mistakes. Ideally they would have been more aware, but if you haven't been in this situation yourself, you aren't as aware. Help them learn, by telling them how you feel. When my husband died suddenly, most people didn't know what to do or say. Many stayed away for fear of upsetting me, oblivious to how upsetting this was! They have been there for you, they just need you to tell them how you feel. But don't put on your mask and go, you may well feel resentful and that could get in the way of your relationship. Trust them, and tell them how you feel.

I know its not the same but a while ago my partner left me and a week later I asked a female friend to come over for a walk and a chat. She did but sadly bought her partner and another couple. They were both "newish" couples and kept stopping for a cuddle and a snog which was the last thing I could cope with. Some people are so insensitive!

I would have been hopping mad at the longed for get together being totally ruined too.
You will have to make it blatantly clear that you want to have just the three of you, and no hangers on.
As others have pointed out, a really good friend will understand, and personally, it would have been better to have said so at the very beginning : head it off at the pass as it were.
Even good friends can be thoughtless, but a good friend would ask first, giving you a chance to refuse.
Which you didn't.....
This is in no way your fault, but you really have to make it clear that blubbing in front of their husbands would be unbearably embarrassing for you.
Good luck, and be firm!

I’m so sorry for your loss.

It’s disappointing they have done this as, as others have said, it completely changes the whole dynamic. You would expect them to be more thoughtful. I think I would go this time and hope that the two men stick together then next time just kindly say you want it to just be the girls. People just disappoint you sometimes don’t they? Sending you love and hugs xxxxx