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I just wanted my friends there.

(95 Posts)
mumski Fri 03-Jul-20 12:51:50

It been a very tough year. My DH died last May and my 2 friends have been so supportive. We've known each other for about 40 years! We had arranged to go for a (socially distanced ) walk tomorrow just the 3 of us. for a catch up as 2 of us haven't seen each other since lock down. I must admit I've really been struggling over the last few weeks and so looked forward to the joy and balm of dear friends I could just be myself with. They won't care if I cry or get upset . About an hour ago one messaged to say is it ok if her husband comes. Much as I like him I hoped it would be just the 3 of us. Then my other friend said oh well my partner might as well come too.
Feel quite tearful now - and cross with myself for feeling like this. I had so looked forward to it but don't really want to go now as it's turned into another occasion where I will have to hind my true feelings and put on my upbeat act again.

Purplepixie Fri 03-Jul-20 12:58:23

I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband and I send you love and hugs.

I would feel upset as well if I was you. If they have been your friends all of this time then they will understand if you have a word with them. Tell them that you just wanted to meet up and have a girlie time - laugh, cry and scream if you want to. Say you would love to meet up with them all but at a later date as you just don’t feel up to it right now.

The other alternative is to just go along and try and enjoy it but say that in future you would like to have a meeting with just the three of you.

Take care and let us know how it goes.

OceanMama Fri 03-Jul-20 13:12:25

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. I can understand you just want your friends there at this time. Your loss was so recent and spending it with other couples might be difficult. If these are good friends, can you share how you feel and maybe go back to the original plan? If you really can't handle it you can back out. I know how fickle the emotions can be so soon after loss, so if they have experienced anything similar, they should understand. I know I would understand. Next time invite them for a 'girls morning' so it's clear that their husband's aren't invited.

Willow500 Fri 03-Jul-20 13:18:26

So sorry about your husband and I can understand you being upset about your friends rather thoughtless decision. However it might be that the two men will spend the walk talking together leaving you three to chat among yourselves. Hope you get to enjoy your walk.

mumski Fri 03-Jul-20 13:46:22

Perhaps stupidly I made an assumption that it would be just the 3 of us. Before lock down it was rare for it to be otherwise except for specific celebrations.
I think I just can't be bothered with it all.
Just need to think of an excuse. The last thing I would want to do is upset them.

Jane10 Fri 03-Jul-20 13:50:55

I think you should let them know how you are feeling. It was pretty tactless of them under the circumstances. However, maybe the weather will cause it to be cancelled anyway and when organising next time you could be sure to say its a girls session.

flaxwoven Fri 03-Jul-20 13:56:19

I would be upset too in your situation as your bereavement is so recent. People don't just spring back to normal after the funeral. However I would go along and make the best of it, as it may cheer you up to have company in a real way, not just on social media, and if you stay at home you may just be more unhappy and dwell on it. You say your friends won't care if you cry or get upset, so just be yourself and cry if you want to - if the men feel embarrassed they can walk off somewhere.

PamelaJ1 Fri 03-Jul-20 14:00:47

Like mumski I think you should make your excuses if you are going to be upset. Even if your friends tell their husbands not to come now I think there may be some awkwardness.

Can’t you suggest that the 3 of you go out for afternoon tea and you do the booking- for three. In a cafe that has outside space and you can keep your distance. Of course.

Now we all have to think of excuses, quickly!

Family crisis, Drs appointment. Food delivery. Parcel expected?

Esspee Fri 03-Jul-20 14:10:26

So sorry that your friends have not understood the position they have put you in.
In your place I would cancel without fabricated excuses. Just say you had been looking forward to see them both and hope that a threesome will be possible in the near future.

ninathenana Fri 03-Jul-20 14:10:54

A bit insensitive of your friends IMHO.
I think you have every right to be upset. I can't add anything to the advice given.

BlueBelle Fri 03-Jul-20 14:17:32

I think it was very very tactless and thoughtless of course you re going to feel awkward I m afraid in your situation I would have cried off
I totally agree with Espee and others call it off and tell them why (in a nice way of course) just say you cant face the idea if twosomes after losing your husband
Don’t hide your feelings from them they need to know I can t believe that friends can be so insensitive

Ramblingrose22 Fri 03-Jul-20 14:19:06

mumski - I assume you've told them that it's off?

I can' see why it has upset you but I wonder if they are worried that they'll have to help you if you become tearful during the walk and are not sure how they'd cope with this. Some people have no idea how to deal with bereaved people. I've heard of people crossing the road rather than say hello to a bereaved person.

You could test my theory out by suggesting another walk next week with the 2 friends as a "girlie" get-together and see what happens.

Summerlove Fri 03-Jul-20 14:56:02

I think in future you need to be clear that you just want “girl time”. They might not have realised. Be direct. It will save you heart ache ❤️

Oopsadaisy3 Fri 03-Jul-20 15:22:29

Tell them you have a cough, I coughed in the tile shop this morning( wearing a mask) and other people almost ran away.
Then cough down the phone.
Or just tell them the truth, some people just don’t think I’m afraid.

Calendargirl Fri 03-Jul-20 15:34:12

I can imagine how upset you feel, you thought it was just the three of you, I’m surprised that your friends want to bring their husbands, surely they can see you would feel out of it?

Don’t pretend to be ill or you have a cough, that is no help. Tell them the truth. You had thought it was the three of you for a girlie get together, and with the men there, you’re sorry but it just brings it home that you’re on your own now.
If that makes them feel guilty, so be it.

FoghornLeghorn Fri 03-Jul-20 15:41:38

Firstly, my sympathy to you on the loss of your husband. Such a sad and difficult time for you.

Now the rant. I bloody hate it when women do this. It is so rude to make arrangement like this and then impose your husband upon your friends. Is it really necessary? Fgs, presumably they live together. Would it be so hard to spend a couple of hours without him? It completely changes the dynamic and not for the better imo.

Would it be possible, as these women are long-standing friends, to be honest with them about how fragile you’re feeling and how disappointed you are at this change of plan?

Tbh, in your position I think I’d be tempted to cancel the whole thing. They’ve been very tactless and I don’t think it would be unreasonable to tell them so.

FindingNemo15 Fri 03-Jul-20 15:51:28

Sometimes when I arrange to meet up with a friend for a catch up she invites her son along which I find a bit off and also (I am sure I am going to get criticism) she sometimes brings her young GS, or both of them. If it is my turn I get the pleasure of paying for them all too!!

I think I would cancel the get together as I think you really just wanted a girly time together without any DHs.

welbeck Fri 03-Jul-20 16:10:38

well i'm wondering how close to you these friends really are.
then you say that you would hate to upset them.
they haven't thought much about you, your situation, how you might be feeling, whether their imposition of partners might upset you.
have they even thought of you, you as an individual at all.
i think sometimes we confuse acquaintances of long standing with true close friends. as if because we have known them so long, hang out together etc that there is some commitment to care about us, in an attentive, personalised way.
often in reality it is little more than shared sociability, mutual convenience, and kind of entertainment value.
sometimes the most peripheral or unlikely of people are actually the most supportive or helpful.
i wouldn't bother too much with worrying how you tell them you drop out, and i wouldn't be in a hurry to make future arrangements.
it is a time of growth for you. difficult indeed. but clearer.
i wish you all the very best. i know whereof i speak.

sodapop Fri 03-Jul-20 16:10:50

So sorry mumski your friends are thoughtless and I agree with Esspee be honest and tell them how you feel. Hopefully you can arrange another time for the three of you to meet.

JenniferEccles Fri 03-Jul-20 16:20:14

How could your friends not see how it would look for them to bring their husbands when you are so recently bereaved ?
Incredibly tactless.

However I agree with whoever said that the men are likely to walk ahead together chatting and leave you women to chat.

Most men don’t feel comfortable around emotional chats so I think that’s likely to happen.

I would go in your situation. It will get you out and you could always suggest another get together but this time girls only.

Madgran77 Fri 03-Jul-20 16:21:44

So sorry mumski I think your friends have been thoughtless although I expect that they didn't mean to be. However much they sympathise, sometimes people find it hard to actually empathise with how someone might feel in different situations. Sympathy and empathy are two different things.

I would tell them that you don't feel able to come as it will hurt too much highlighting the fact that your DH isn't there as well. Say that you would love to meet up with just them and arrange another time...or being honest with them might make them realise their thoughtlessness and think again for tomorrow flowers

BlueBelle Fri 03-Jul-20 16:33:21

findingnemo I think it’s really rude to bring someone else along without prior arrangement and as for paying for everyone that’s areal Nono
I meet up with a few different groups of people for lunches or coffees we always pay out own share of the bill Never one weekM one another it gets too messy , someone might not arrive when its their week ....much much and tidier to pay your own share or at worst split the bill but the former is better and fairer as everyone might eat different amounts

GrauntyHelen Sun 05-Jul-20 00:38:13

sometimes you have to spell out in BIG letters what you need IF THEY ARE GOOD FRIENDS IT WONT BE A PROBLEM otherwise hmmm

FarNorth Sun 05-Jul-20 01:02:40

mumski I totally understand how disappointed you feel, that your lovely outing has been changed like this.

Your friends were quite thoughtless, which is a shame.
Will you have a girls-only walk another time?

PamelaJ1 Sun 05-Jul-20 06:30:14

What happened mumski?