Women who want a divorce but don't want to lose the lifestyle

I was replying to songstresses specific situation.

Although I have to say, if you let yourself become totally dependent on a man, that is a very bad move. So what if a man wants you to be trapped in the house? Women have minds of their own and only one life. Don't waste it!

Children aren't young forever. It is quite possible to get out to work or qualify for something new once they're at school. I did that myself. Worked 3 jobs, including stacking supermarket shelves at night, with a child post divorce, while I studied (I had worked before but requalified as a teacher once I'd left him).

I'm now better off than my ex. Hard work and application. I wouldn't be where I am now if I'd relied on boyfriends/men to supplement my low wages.

Gagajo, it is not unknown for a man to not be happy for his wife to work at all or work a minimum wage job so that she has to rely on him for everything, and has to do his bidding divorce is pretty expensive and it can be very hard to make the break, with young children some women can be worse off working if he doesn't pull his weight with childcare, not good to call everyone who finds herself relying on a man a prostitute.

songstress60

Do not under estimate financial security because lack of money can cause health problems. I have gone out with men because of the lifestyle they gave me. Hey I earned a low wage, so why shouldn't I! Love does NOT pay the bills. When poverty knocks at your door love flies out of the window.!

How about working to support yourself instead of leaching off a man? Little better than being a prostitute if the only reason you're with them is for the money.

It depends how unhappy and also, conversely, how confident the woman is (a controlling husband saps confidence and persuades his wife she's helpless).
He may not agree to a divorce so she has to fight through the courts for every penny. She may not have a support network or enough income to find accommodation for herself and refuges all have waiting lists, if they exist, nowadays. A manipulative husband can stonewall for a long time.
If she grew up in poverty and insecurity, the prospect of returning to that may be terrifying. She may not have a car to escape in.
To be brave enough to walk away into the unknown after many years is not to be underestimated.
As for the husbands, they have a choice too.

What terrible attitudes! Sorry but if they were seriously unhappy then they would leave, especially if there is a holiday cottage to live in in the interim

Peace of mind and a sense of self-worth may seem unattainable in a marriage where you're subservient to a more powerful personality. It’s a downward spiral unless you choose to break it.

Get professional legal advice and you may find that a division of assets allows you to survive on your own. Self financing = self respect. You only have one life (unless you’re a Buddhist).

I decided to be a single parent to my 2 boys, keep my soul, my dignity, sense of worth and mental health intact...and asked my ex husband to leave. [Take his unhappiness, financial abuse and controlling ways somewhere else, and leave 2 little boys in peace to grow up happily].

I knew it would be hard, difficult financially as he didn't pay anything towards the mortgage. But i went on benefits temporarily, sorted out more work and then took in a lodger who was a godsend at the time.

I could breathe, the tension in the house eased, the atmosphere was light and happy. Freedom, life, new experiences.

I would never stay with anyone for the money/lifestyle. I would rather live frugally, on my own...and with peace of mind. But that's just me. I understand why other circumstances and personalities would not feel able to do it. But to have a miserable life for money is a poor reason in my eyes.

I had a conversation with a friend of a friend once who told me [wearing a fur coat at the time!] married [didn't love] her husband for his money/house. I was horrified. I couldn't do that.

It really can’t be so bad if they like the money possessions and lifestyle more - maybe they should just hope their husbands don’t meet someone else who is prepared to live for better and worse richer or poorer

Bijou ?

If men are keeping these women around knowing they are only in it for the money, they are getting something out of the arrangement themselves. No-one likes getting used, so there must be a reason they accept it.

When I left my husband, I took with me a single bed, a table, one dining chair and a Habitat "comfy chair". All things from my single life. When a friend was coming to stay, I had to buy another bed, dining chair and sofa. Everything was on a shoestring but when I closed my front door I was content. Now, looking back, I can see that husband was emotionally manipulative and controlling, in addition to being regularly unfaithful. All of which I believed was my fault. I never read the "right" books or listened to the "right" music. Everything in the house had been chosen from a spectrum of things he'd liked. Same went for the holidays. Over the next year, I gradually added to my little house, knowing that everything was there because I had chosen it. Once I had actually left him, it seems I became the only one for him. Took everything I had to keep saying NO.
This was over 30 years ago and I have since met and married a wonderful man who has been the light of my life for many many years. 29 year anniversary coming up. But even if I had remained single, as I'd expected to be, I would still have NEVER regretted it. Staying in a soul sapping marriage purely for monetary reasons will destroy the you that is you.

It’s their choice, so they have to live with it. Nothing for you to be worried about.

Honestly, if possessions and wealth are more important than a relationship I understand only too well why the marriages you mention broke down.

In the husbands' place I would kick these women out!

No need at all to feel sorry for the wives, but good reason to sympathise with their husbands.

You can't eat your cake and have it too!

Probably more marriages than many realise.
Sometimes it is a joint decision.
I have known several couples that live separate lives, to all intense purposes, just sharing a house for years.
In fact one of my friends were just like that when their children had left home - separate bedrooms and even bathrooms, each had a car, he travelled a lot with his work - had a mistress, that my friend was well aware of. Her attitude was that as long as she didn't meet the woman, she could pretend she didn't exist and in the meantime, she could carry on doing what she had done for the past 20 odd years - not have to get paid work, go for spa days, weekly hairdressers appointment, be a lady that lunched and supported local charities - basically on the same basis as the mistress without having to put up with him at bedtime with all his horrible habits!
When the husband died, he had made provision for both women - one got the house and his pension money, the other got the proceeds of one of his life insurance pay outs!

Do not under estimate financial security because lack of money can cause health problems. I have gone out with men because of the lifestyle they gave me. Hey I earned a low wage, so why shouldn't I! Love does NOT pay the bills. When poverty knocks at your door love flies out of the window.!

Being given a choice could make me envious. I got 20 minutes when my ex told me, after 20 years that he was leaving and wouldn't be back. It was 1985 and divorce law was different then. I was left with 2 daughters, a house I couldn't afford to live in and assets that didn't exist in real terms. Its not what I would have chosen.

My sister was married to a selfish womanising brutal husband and stayed with him all her life because of the money and life style. Cruises, large house etc. She seemed scared of him but it made no difference.
My husband and I were poor but happy and when he died at the age of 67 my mother said the wrong one died.

It’s a state of mind I sympathise with completely, I agonised about my comfortable marriage for years. That was by far the worst bit, the agonising.

In the end I left, there was enough money for me to buy a 3 bedroom cottage in a pleasant area and you know what? It was tiny but it was mine, it didn’t take long at all before I loved it there, it really was small but it was just as I wanted it. I still remember the feeling, I was so happy there.

Ultimately I only lived there for 6 years before I met my second husband and I’m back to the big house, the holidays and the luxuries. I love my new husband dearly but I still miss my little house to this day.

I put off leaving for so long but in the end it was a brilliant move. It’s the opposite of thinking that the grass is always greener, you think that the alternative can only be worse. In fact, when your life is peaceful and you have autonomy over it you don’t need a villa with pool to make you feel better because you already feel better, every day.

So many of us! All braver than we ever thought we are or ever could be.

I don't have a lot of sympathy. Too many women chose the 'easier' option of not having a demanding career, opting for being kept by their husbands. It's all very well but no one can rely on marriage being for life. Not to mention, the burden of an unhappy marriage can be greater than that of hard work outside the home.

I even had a 17 year old student tell me a couple of weeks ago that she didn't need qualifications because she was going to marry a rich man (father is exceptionally wealthy). She should know better. Her mother was the wife he left for a younger model and is now living in reduced circumstances.

Jillybird.......For me yes it became a job....housekeeper (unpaid)

TwiceAsNice......SNAP....same here

I have no regrets in leaving my situation at all and for a very long time I felt 'broken' but things do get easier and the big house has gone, the holidays, the money etc....I feel 100% better now. Peace of mind is wonderful.

The premise of the OP is very sexist. I wonder if it is a ‘common theme’ for men to stay with women they don’t love rather than split the family assets? Or is this just a thing that grasping women do?

The post doesn’t ring true to me. I apologise if I am wrong, but there is a sniff of journalism about it. Maybe the OP would like to share her own opinion on the matter? Are the 4 friends who have confided in her similar to one another in other ways, or is it just that they are women? Did they contribute financially to their marriages, or have they lived off their husbands for years?

It’s difficult to comment more specifically without more to go on than a broad brush picture of these people- and there is nothing about the men. In what ways are they insensitive and controlling, for instance? Could the relationships be salvaged, or do the men feel used and only wanted as meal tickets?

...... except you're there 24/7/365 jillybird. And there's no weekends to look forward to because they're even worse.

If your friend and her husband own two houses, surely she'll just take one of them in the divorce settlement and likely some cash too if the marital home is worth more and a pension is involved, or both could be sold if neither of them wants to live permanently in the holiday cottage area and the assets divided 50/50. It doesn't sound as if she'd be that poor after divorce so her marriage can't be that bad and she is just looking for sympathy.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.