Unreasonable DH

I’d let him sulk, totally agree with others it’s not his concern

Young people have to learn to navigate through life including relationships. We can advise, talk to them and lead by example. We can't wrap them in cotton wool, they may get hurt emotionally but we learn from our experiences hopefully. I'm talking here about young adults of consenting age of course.

When my boys were growing up the deal was no thanks to one night stands at ours but regular girlfriends yes. Can’t remember whether this was stated or just understood !
When I was at uni (Oh so long ago) I went to stay at my boyfriends house and his mum out us in the same room, I was amazed but she was danish and therefore I think had a different healthier attitude to sex! Needless to say the same did not apply at my parents house.

I think many people would be a lot happier if they had the chance to explore how different relationships work before they commit.

Agree with you Geekesse Times have changed from when we were teenagers. It would have been unthinkable that a boyfriend or a fiancé even, would share a bedroom with the girl at the parents' house!

Of course Phoenix, but I think allowing partners to sleep over on a regular basis creates a relationship which young girls view differently to boys.

Wether anyone "allows" sex between teenagers or not, won't prevent it happening!

I wonder how many young girls would agree with you Geekesse.
My GD took a long time to recover. He didn't. I think if they had just been dating she would have got over him quicker. Rather than sharing a bed and breakfast together etc.

annep1

My concern would be a young GD getting emotionally attached and the relationship ending. I think I would want some commitment before allowing it.

That’s not how it works in young people’s culture now. Young women and young men have sexual relationships for the fun of it without expecting a happily ever after. Young men have always done that, and have survived the ending of relationships, so there’s no reason why it should cause any big upset for women.

.....if I was the parent.

My concern would be a young GD getting emotionally attached and the relationship ending. I think I would want some commitment before allowing it.

Good observation geekesse .......NO, I don't think he would have made such a fuss and yes, there is still a double standard (especially in our generation), when it comes to that sort of thing.

Some final comments:

In most US states, the age of consent is 18.

I was especially interested in all your different perspectives, and realize that some things are ingrained at an early age and not so easily shaken off. Both DH and I were raised in strict Catholic schools, where sex outside of marriage was considered forbidden and unholy. Of course, we also came of age in the sixties, so we weren't exactly prudes either. In order to survive our own families, we armed ourselves with a lot of discretion and we always remained respectful.

As I said earlier, the problem is not the sex per se but more about DH's reaction should M and boyfriend be sleeping in her room, while her parents and us are in the same house. Personally, I'm not on board with that either, but if DH makes a scene, I do have a problem with that.

I also know my SIL. For that reason, I get the sense he won't like it either and hoping he won't allow it. I am disappointed that DD is conflicted, but it's not my place or DHs to dictate what either DD or SIL should do.

For your peace of mind however, (and for this next round at least), my daughter has already said repeatedly that there won't be any other house guests during our stay (due to covid). It will be us and the four of them only. They close the beach house mid September, so I don't think we'll be staying again this summer. By same time next year, the twins will be going off to university....my goodness, how time flies!!

Thanks again for all your wonderful feedback.

Best Willa

The op used the word underage, I think people are trying to clarify what that means, they are not underage legally in this country.

The fact that something isn’t illegal doesn’t make it safe or wise, though.

Not underage if they are 17.

Well I'm out of step again,I'd far rather my young folk had sex in Safe ,clean environment where they can relax than in the backseat of a car or worse.My daughter had boyfriends who stayed over and my son had girlfriends who stayed over.Nothing sordid ,or embarrassing about two young people spending time together .My GS has his GF staying with them during lockdown as her "mother" beggared off an dleft he r in the house alone ,she was there for weeks before my daughter found out and immediately offered to take her in .She's safe and looked after with my daughters family and the fact she shares my GS's bed is no ones business but theirs ,they're 17.

Can I just raise A question? Would your husband be making the same fuss if the young person in question were male rather than female?

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies. By now of course, our 'little' squabble has blown over.

In the meantime, I read your responses and concur that he's being overprotective, that he feels responsible even though he isn't, and that he's upset and angry, not at me but at the prospect of an uncomfortable situation that he can't control! Judging from these and other posts on Gransnet, such generational conflicts seem to be a universal theme and are not limited to Europe or the Americas. In this case, it's not just about (underage) sex, but that it's being contemplated under parents' own roof.

I wanted to add that my daughter may be conflicted but I also know my SIL and I just can't imagine he would allow that sort of thing ...I am surprised that my Daughter would even entertain the possibility, but no matter how averse we are to this, it is not up to us to make decisions for DD and SIL

So, to put your minds at ease for this round at least, due to current pandemic, DD has reassured me repeatedly, that there will be absolutely NO other house guests allowed during our stay; only us and the four of them.

You have the right to say if something makes you uncomfortable, whose ever house you are in, if it’s under your nose and you’re staying there. This is probably what your husband means. It’s not so much he’s angry, but awkward....maybe embarrassed? You would have to leave though, because you can’t dictate what they do in their own home, it is down to the parents. I might have a word with my daughter before we went, to see how the land lay. If she says the boyfriend will be there, then you can choose what to do if you’re forewarned.

I couldn't tell my children and grandchildren how to behave in their own homes, but if it really upset me, I wouldn't stay with them and would tell my daughter/son the reason why.

OH obviously expected you to agree with him. Perhaps he calmed down eventually and realised he was out of order.
Its difficult when you're older and see changes that you find unacceptable. Young people jump into bed so easily nowadays. I would find the thought of my children having their boyfriend or girlfriend staying over and sleeping with them extremely strange. I watch Neighbours and it seems to be the norm now. No one bats an eyelid.
Its ok to not like it. You don't have to move into the 21st century but you can't tell others what to do. (Although it would be a no in my house.)

I'd go and leave him behind because whichever way you look at the situation it ain't going to be a pleasant stay.

Just wanted to add it depends on what sort of husband you've got. My first was unreasonable so you couldn't talk to him and make him see others' points of view, like I can do with my second. He would have just caused rows and unpleasantness if contradicted. So glad I eventually left him to it!

The OP has said that boyfriends were not staying over, it was a conversation about someone else.
A classic case of old codger putting two and two together and making five.
We do not have a say in how our GC conduct their lives so better get used to backing off.