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Unreasonable DH

(44 Posts)
willa45 Thu 23-Jul-20 20:19:13

In August, we'll be spending two weeks at SIL and daughter's beach house with our twin grandchildren. At seventeen, they are both great kids and they are thoughtful, mature and polite.

This afternoon, DH and I got into a heated argument......
DH ..."You were on the phone. Did I overhear that M's boyfriend is sleeping in her room? Me...."No!! She was talking about one of the girls in M's group. M does have a 'friend', but DD tells me they're not serious. She (DD) was conflicted about what to do if and when M were to bring a boy to the beach house. DD wants to know how I feel about 'same room' sleeping arrangements and I said it seemed disrespectful for unmarried couples to co-sleep in their own parents house. I then added that I was also from a different generation so ultimately, it was her house, her rules.

DH argued that a mother has the right to forbid such a thing and that I should have told her that. I said we needed to stay out of it, because it's none of our business anyway. We went back and forth for a few minutes, and the next thing I know, DH got up from his chair and lashed out (angrily) that if M brings a boy into her room while were at the beach house, we won't stay another minute...we will be packing up and leaving straight away! He didn't seem to realize how unreasonable such a response would be. It would also lead to a lot of trouble, hurt feelings and a serious falling out with our children.

To begin with, M won't be allowed to bring anyone into the house while we're visiting (Covid)....Second, same reason, they're not even having house guests this year, so the entire argument is moot. Third...It's not our call to correct M, on who she invites to sleep over her house or what arrangements they make...that's her parents' job and it's their house!

Right now, DH is holed up somewhere in our house and he's not speaking.

tanith Thu 23-Jul-20 20:26:16

He’s entitled to his opinion I suppose but I agree with you it’s not your decision to make. I’d let him sulk ?

vegansrock Thu 23-Jul-20 20:27:04

Well if and when - he can leave and you can stay - job done.

phoenix Thu 23-Jul-20 20:28:07

willa54 this is nothing to do with you oryour DH, not your decision to make, entirely down to the parents.

Old saying, " their house, their rules" .

Your DH needs to understand this, and step back! And as for not speaking to you about it, well, what does he expect you to do? Tell grown up children the rules you expect them to apply to their teenage children? Ha!

SueDonim Thu 23-Jul-20 20:44:46

Good grief! Who is the child here? It’s entirely your daughter & sil’s decision to make.

You could always wind your Dh up by telling him that hormones will out, irrespective of rules, and the two youngsters could have just as much fun in a car or in a field or amongst the sand dunes. grin

cornergran Thu 23-Jul-20 21:45:00

Oh dear willa.agree with you, not your decision to make and you must both respect the parents. Stay calm, it will pass.

FlyingHandbag Thu 23-Jul-20 21:58:09

If he says you are going home, just tell him to have a nice journey home and you will see him in X amount of days. X

52bright Thu 23-Jul-20 22:07:56

My heartfelt sympathy to you willa45. This is just the kind of attitude my dh would be likely to take in just such a situation. Reading your post I could almost hear him. We are off to a cottage for a 4 night break with our dd her husband and dgs later this summer. Luckily for us they are 15 year old boy and a girl just turned 12 so not an issue at the moment. We can dodge a bullet this time. You are so right. It isn't your business. You have done the work of bringing your own dd up and it is her and her husband's turn now.

Good luck to you. Your dh is probably feeling over protective regarding the dg who he probably sees as about 6 years old still. I'm sure he will eventually be able to see that it's his turn to rest and relax now and leave any gc problems to the parents. flowers

BlueSky Thu 23-Jul-20 22:13:01

I know what you mean Willa it's spoiling the anticipation of your holiday with your DD and DGC. You certainly don't want bad feelings in the family so are at a loss what to do. Of course it's her parents' decision but as you say as she won't be allowed to have anybody to stay while you are there, I would leave it at that.

Alexa Thu 23-Jul-20 22:19:30

Willa, it is unpleasant for married people when they quarrel about sexual etiquette.. But it's quite fortunate this decision is not yours or your husband's.

janeainsworth Thu 23-Jul-20 22:27:29

Let him have a good sulk, Willa it will do him good grin

What intrigues me is young people actually wanting to share a room in the same premises as their parents and grandparents.
I would have died of embarrassment & it would have put me off completely grin

geekesse Thu 23-Jul-20 22:38:26

He needs to move into the twenty-first century. Most young people sleep together outside marriage, and the majority of those who do marry have had previous sexual relationships. It’s not a moral issue at all these days.

In any case, it is not your or his business how these young people choose to live their lives. If he’s already decided to behave like some kind of Victorian patriarch over this, I’d suggest he stay at home and sit on his moral high horse there while you go and have a lovely holiday.

welbeck Thu 23-Jul-20 22:38:35

just make sure you keep a hold on the car keys while you are there.
if he issues any ultimatums offer to drive him to the nearest bus/train.
don't let him domineer you or anyone else.

lemongrove Thu 23-Jul-20 22:53:22

Might be more prudent not to go there.

SpringyChicken Thu 23-Jul-20 23:01:42

So not only does your "DH' feel entitled to lay down the law about what M does or doesn't do, he decides what you'll do too? Outrageous and more fool anyone who panders to him. Unpalatable though it is for him, he has to learn that he doesn't call the shots for other people's children. Nor for his own adult children.

eazybee Fri 24-Jul-20 05:58:06

Am I right in assuming that:
your husband is the father of your daughter and therefore the grandfather of M;
your daughter sought your advice about M's possible behaviour with her boyfriend because she was concerned;
you are writing from outside Britain, possibly America?

If all my assumptions are correct I don't think your husband's opinions were so bad; as grandfather he is entitled to express them, although not in the dictatorial way he did, and it is for the parents to decide how to deal with their daughters' relationships.

If your granddaughters are American I believe the age of consent is eighteen, and in view of the comments on this forum about the sexual abuse of girls under the age of consent, it seems very sad to me that the fathers of the women involved with Epstein did not show similar concern about protecting their daughters.

Pantglas2 Fri 24-Jul-20 06:10:45

Some American states age of consent is 16, some 17 and some 18 but regardless, it is for parents to monitor, not grandparents.

sodapop Fri 24-Jul-20 08:46:06

I agree eazybee the grandfather wants to protect his granddaughter but can't and this is making him angry.
When things have settled down willa45 it's time for a talk about his feelings and the fact that the responsibility now rests with the parents.

25Avalon Fri 24-Jul-20 09:00:11

They seem a little young but it’s not for me or anyone to query except their mum and dad. Be careful to keep out of this or you risk alienating your sil and dd who have been kind enough to invite you on holiday with them.
You don’t even know if boyfriends are going to be there. The girls could even be gay - sounds like your dh wouldn’t like that either. This isn’t just about what may or may not happen on holiday but about your DH’s whole attitude. He has to accept they are not little girls anymore but attractive young women and no end of sulking or stamping of feet will change that. Was he possessive like this with you dd at that age?

harrigran Fri 24-Jul-20 10:23:09

The OP has said that boyfriends were not staying over, it was a conversation about someone else.
A classic case of old codger putting two and two together and making five.
We do not have a say in how our GC conduct their lives so better get used to backing off.

BlueSky Fri 24-Jul-20 10:34:57

Just wanted to add it depends on what sort of husband you've got. My first was unreasonable so you couldn't talk to him and make him see others' points of view, like I can do with my second. He would have just caused rows and unpleasantness if contradicted. So glad I eventually left him to it!

EllanVannin Fri 24-Jul-20 11:10:37

I'd go and leave him behind because whichever way you look at the situation it ain't going to be a pleasant stay.

annep1 Fri 24-Jul-20 14:59:44

OH obviously expected you to agree with him. Perhaps he calmed down eventually and realised he was out of order.
Its difficult when you're older and see changes that you find unacceptable. Young people jump into bed so easily nowadays. I would find the thought of my children having their boyfriend or girlfriend staying over and sleeping with them extremely strange. I watch Neighbours and it seems to be the norm now. No one bats an eyelid.
Its ok to not like it. You don't have to move into the 21st century but you can't tell others what to do. (Although it would be a no in my house.)

BlueSky Fri 24-Jul-20 15:22:51

I couldn't tell my children and grandchildren how to behave in their own homes, but if it really upset me, I wouldn't stay with them and would tell my daughter/son the reason why.

Toadinthehole Fri 24-Jul-20 15:29:59

You have the right to say if something makes you uncomfortable, whose ever house you are in, if it’s under your nose and you’re staying there. This is probably what your husband means. It’s not so much he’s angry, but awkward....maybe embarrassed? You would have to leave though, because you can’t dictate what they do in their own home, it is down to the parents. I might have a word with my daughter before we went, to see how the land lay. If she says the boyfriend will be there, then you can choose what to do if you’re forewarned.