Money to children

Lucca

"but we like to help them out financially if we think they need it"
Why assuming adults need help without asking them? Why not let them be independent and ask OP for help if needed?
OP is unhappy how "her"money is used.

Yes, that's interfering and controlling

If your son and dil are doing well enough to help other family members then they don't need any more financial help from you. While you can't exactly ask for what you've already given them back, you can decide not to give them any more. It's natural for you to feel a bit irritated, but I'd advise not expressing that to your son, otherwise it's going to sound a bit controlling, or like you're calling him ungrateful.

Another vote here for the money you gave them being theirs to dispose of. However, if you see they have enough to give away, there's no need to 'help' them out any more, is there? Don't become a PDU (Parental Donation Unit). Sorry - it's a hard lesson to learn!

jocork

Personally I'd just be glad that I'd brought my son up to be generous to others in need. I realise if they have been pressured by your DiL's parents to do so it may be difficult but if they can affort it then it is their choice.

Many years ago when my son was still at school, so my responsibility financially, he went to a music festival. While there he came across a girl without shoes as she'd lost them in the mosh pit. He gave her the older of his 2 pairs as he said he was worried she would cut her feet on broken glass. I was a bit put out that ultimately it was me who had to replace those shoes, especially as I was far from well off at the time, but I was so proud that he'd put someone elses needs ahead of his own. I know it isn't exactly the same but be glad you've raised a young man with a generous heart.

He gave her the older of his two pairs so he wasn’t left shoeless.
Ultimately it was me who had to replace the shoes so there again, he eventually had another pair provided for him.

I don’t doubt your son’s good intentions, but his actions didn’t really affect him detrimentally.

There are plenty of good ideas/advice given already. These are my thoughts: I would cease the financial gifts without discussion. If you are later questioned then say you felt they probably don't need it now as they were considering supporting said relatives. Also add that you intend to treat yourselves now that this hard earned cash is available to you. Make sure that you do things with the cash in terms of life experiences etc. You deserve it as retired couple. You can add that if they need help at any time they only have to ask.
My experience of loaning money to a relative - first, second and third amount not repaid. Fourth occasion, I refused saying that I'd forget the debt but would loan no more and that they would now have to learn to manage money properly. If your son does go down the same route, I hope he will know when to stop.
You obviously are a generous person and it must give you great pleasure to gift cash to your son. Time to get the pleasure elsewhere now - extra support for a favourite charity maybe? Best of luck.

Personally I'd just be glad that I'd brought my son up to be generous to others in need. I realise if they have been pressured by your DiL's parents to do so it may be difficult but if they can affort it then it is their choice.

Many years ago when my son was still at school, so my responsibility financially, he went to a music festival. While there he came across a girl without shoes as she'd lost them in the mosh pit. He gave her the older of his 2 pairs as he said he was worried she would cut her feet on broken glass. I was a bit put out that ultimately it was me who had to replace those shoes, especially as I was far from well off at the time, but I was so proud that he'd put someone elses needs ahead of his own. I know it isn't exactly the same but be glad you've raised a young man with a generous heart.

timetogo2016

No you are not.
I would pull back on being generous as ds wants to help his brother out, he IS doing it with your money.
And i would be inclined to say that to him tbh.

As others have said once you give your money away it is no longer yours. The only time I would try to impose any level of control is money given to buy a house. Money that goes toward a house purchase should be covered by a Deed of Trust so that should the house be sold as part of a divorce settlement the cash will be returned to the donor rather than become the subject of a court ordered disposition.

Ijustwantpeace2020

In a similar vein we used to pay some money into our 8 year old gs account regularly towards whatever he needed. We only have one gc. Then our dil gave some of his cash spending money to her niece (a bit older) when we were away with them. I was fuming. Then another time dil said gs gave some of his money to said niece and her much older sister. Not loads maybe £10 each as they didn’t have as much spending money when dil went away with her sister and nieces. I’ve now stopped putting money in his bank and save it in my own bank for when he’s older. Unfortunately dil is a compulsive liar so never sure what the real story is. Don’t get me wrong we have treated these two girls over the years but I don’t think my young gs should be “giving away” his money at such a young age.

Exactly the reason I won't put money into my GS's account that my daughter manages. She's used some of his money (that she saved) before when she was broke.

I'm happy to save for him, but I'm not having someone else spend it.

I would be inclined to speak to your son and be honest. Obviously it is up to them how they spend their money. But, in answer to your question, I can see why you would be annoyed, and under those circumstances I would tell your son if they can afford to support his wife's relatives that's their lookout, but you will refrain from giving them your cash to do this with. You could reassure your son that if he and his wife ever really need some money they are welcome to ask you and, if you have it, you might help them out. Make it clear you are not a bank to support the wider extended family. If that other couple have chosen to live their life spending beyond their means, acquiring debts, and their relationship has also gone down the swanee, why the hell should you be expected to fund their next car, holiday, home improvements designer clothes, or whatever the hell it is they want extra money for. Let your son and his wife manage their own finances. Let your son and his wife support her relatives if that is what they choose to do. But don't let any of them use your cash to do this. Tell your son if he and his wife can manage OK with their own money there may be more of yours to inherit at a later date!

Personally I would have a frank conversation to your son, explain your reasons - I'm sure he will understand. They may have appreciated the financial gifts your have given them but if they don't NEED it, don't give it...they can't NEED it that much if they are considering giving it away to her brother & his partner...or, in your own words, "subsidise them". The couple (soon to be 2 single people from the sound if it) need to learn to curb their spending or better prioritise what they spend it on - they will never get to this point if continuing to build debts and ponce off relatives they guilt-trip into funding their next extravagance.

And, lastly, WTF are your sons in-laws doing trying to influence how their daughter and her husband spend their money. Why the hell would they think it is OK to ask them to "subsidise" other family members? If the in-laws want to support the irresponsible brother let them do it themselves - what a damned cheek. It often surprises me on these threads just how much some people feel entitled to interfere in the lives of friends and/or family and/or work colleagues. Keep your "hard earned money" and spend it on yourselves, save it, invest it etc - it is yours to do with as you wish and you obviously don't fancy watching someone else just squander it, so don't. Good luck. And if the in-laws stick their beaks in again, tell them to use their own bloody money.

As someone else said this is your dil’ brother not your son’s so he doesn’t really have any reason to feel responsible for him. However, it is his money (not yours) so it’s up to him what he does with it it. Just a word of warning to your son though, giving or lending money to family members can cause problems in the family, as I have sadly experienced, so he needs to think carefully.

I would stop giving them money. You have no say over how they wish to use it. If they choose to subsidise relatives that's his choice but perhaps you are being over generous if he can afford to give it away? If you want to spend money on your son and his wife why not give them it in the form of gift cards or vouchers for meals, train tickets, cinema passes (post pandemic) something they can use?

In a similar vein we used to pay some money into our 8 year old gs account regularly towards whatever he needed. We only have one gc. Then our dil gave some of his cash spending money to her niece (a bit older) when we were away with them. I was fuming. Then another time dil said gs gave some of his money to said niece and her much older sister. Not loads maybe £10 each as they didn’t have as much spending money when dil went away with her sister and nieces. I’ve now stopped putting money in his bank and save it in my own bank for when he’s older. Unfortunately dil is a compulsive liar so never sure what the real story is. Don’t get me wrong we have treated these two girls over the years but I don’t think my young gs should be “giving away” his money at such a young age.

If your daughter in law’s parent are so worried about their son (your daughter in law’s brother if I’ve read it right) then they should be the ones to help him out financially.

Ok, so you and your DH give financial support to your DS and DiL of your own free will, whether they need it or not. Andnow you are upset that they, in turn have possibly decided to help out DiL's brother and partner ?
Sorry, but that is like getting upset because your son has lent his friend his new bike that you gave your son for his birthday!
Keep out of it! Not sure why your son has even discussed it with you at all, but you gave him financial help so that help no longer belongs to you.You gave it and it is up to him what he does with it.

.... oops, yes, it looks as if many others probably have said it

Obviously they have to decide for themselves as the money from you was gifted but surely only the brother is relevant as his partner should have her own family to support her. Also, it is very unfair of your DIL’s parents to put that guilt trip on her. What if they give the brother money and anything happens to them and then they need the money themselves. And how much financial help ? It could go on for a long period of time ?

I haven’t read whole thread, so someone may already have said this, but if, as you say, your son and dil both work and are doing well, the majority of their money - regardless of what they choose to spend it on - IS theirs. NOT yours. I’d climb down off my high horse if I were you and stop thinking of whatever you’ve chosen to give as still belonging to you.

I agree with others that once the money is given, it is no longer yours. Whether you choose to continue giving them money is for you to decide.

I'm maybe having a particularly stupid day (or too early!) but I find the opener too complicated to fully grasp.

The problem here isn't with your son and his wife who sound to be very sensible. The problem is the parents in law who feel they have a right to dictate how their grownup family's finances should be run. If your daughter in law's parents feel strongly that family should help then they must organise their own finances to do just that. They have no right to expect that siblings should step in to do what makes them feel better. You are quite right to feel furious that your son and his wife's lives are being manipulated in this way.

Gagajo. I think I I’m with you.

Hithere
, you seem to always assume that grandparents are interfering. If I give something to my AC I don’t feel that I’m interfering, why should I have to wait until they ask ? My relationship with them is close enough that they would immediately say I’d they weren’t happy with the gift, be it Ones or anything else.

I would say to your son, 'Son, if you can afford to give money away, I'd like the £XXX I gave you back. I'm happy for you to use it for yourselves, but I'm not happy to support people that I'm not related to.'

I don't see the issue.

Teddy123, sorry to be a pedant but it is an important distinction; the old saying (from the Bible) is that it is the LOVE of money that is the root if all evil not money itself.

You give your money to DS with no strings attached eg you will only do x,y or z with it? You gave it away your DS can do what he wants with it, not your concern

I think that if you want to help your kids out thats great but my way of thinking is you make your own way in life and you shouldnt have to rely on parents to help out all the time. I know so many people waiting for thier parents to pop off to get an inheritence. I say spend it on yourself if you have "hard earned it".