Feeling surplus to requirements AIBU

I think the cake idea is best forgotten.
Insisting on still baking a cake, any cake, seems a bit churlish to me.

I can sympathise, I would feel hurt in those circumstances. May I suggest, Armoria you put your skills to making cup cakes? If you can find the theme for the party, you could make 18 cupcakes in that theme?

Forget the cake, and celebrate her birthday and that you are invited to the party. Let her fly free as the independent adult she nearly is. You have had a good run with the cakes - time to graciously hand the job on if that is her choice.
All the care and attention you have given her over the years will surely not have fallen on fallow ground.
I understand your hurt though, but this is a sort of right of passage as times change for her and she pulls away to make her own choices and decisions.
I hope the party is a great success and that you all enjoy it.

As a few community members have already said or implied, above, as your grandchildren grow older they will inevitably withdraw. My mother in law sounds a lot like you and she did so much for our children as both of us worked, however over the last few years since she turned 16, she increasingly became less interested in visiting as regular as she used to, same with our son, who is now 21; I can relate to this exactly as I went through a similar process when I was a teenager. My grandmother had a stoke around the time I was born and she always said I was the one who pulled her through that.

My father worked away from home, (we'd see him at weekends once a fortnight apart from his annual leave), for most of his working life and my mother was of that generation that survived on 'mothers little helpers (as the Stones so aptly named Valium/diazepam). She had three children between April 1955 to Feb 1959 while my father was serving in the Army when National Service was still compulsory, so she was left on her own and suffered many nervous breakdowns over the first 20 years of my life and was in and out of psychiatric hospitals throughout that time, so I virtually lived at my grandmothers for most of my childhood and early teens; and used to go away on vacation twice a year with them.

Yet I remember not visiting as often as I did from around the age of 17 onward. I would still visit once I left home at the age of 18 (I had a shotgun wedding), but those visits became less and less frequent, simply because life got in the way. That said. I always cherish the time I spent with my grandparents; if it wasn't for them, I would not be in the situation I am in now as they always introduced me to new things and were (IMO) responsible for my successful education (B.Sc, M.Sc and several diplomas) as well as my love of reading (though my English Literature teacher also had a hand in that), plus photography (my grandfather had a darkroom that he would take me to regularly as well as gave me my first decent camera at the age of 8) as well as many other interests that my grandfather introduced to me (e.g. chemistry and music). My grandmother passed away the same day as John Lennon (Dec 1980) and my grandfather passed away while I was training to be a teacher in 1992, but I still think of them both regularly, and when I do I miss them so much.

As others have advised, please do not make a big thing out of this as it will only create negativity, which your grandchildren will remember. They will NEVER forget all of those wonderful cakes you've made and their memory of you as they grow older and you become dust will be forever positive and cherished.

Blimey I would feel relieved not to have to make a cake but just sit back and enjoy the day.
GC do move away from grandparents but always love and respect them . Yours does and will. Be grateful for the relationship you have with her. Maybe you could take her out for a special lunch/ afternoon tea just the 2 of you to celebrate ? I know that’s what my daughter would have enjoyed with her beloved Nana! Life’s too short to dwell on the little things.

i think it's lovely that GDs friend is making her cake !
18th birthday celebrations are for the one celebrating, not for the rest of the family these days - doesn't mean they no longer love you!
I never expect to be invited to younger relatives parties or even weddings these days - I can remember when I had my 18th and 21st birthday parties ( had both as next door neighbour died on my actual birthday) I only had my immediate family and friends. For my 21st, I only had 1 cousin as a guest and that was because he was the DJ!
There will be plenty of other birthdays that you can make her a cake for. Just take your husbands advice and let it go with grace.

Don't take it to heart or let D know of your feelings although I understand how you and many others who have been in a similar must be feeling.

I think it will be hard as you’ve had such a proactive part of her life. However life changes and you will probably be watching more from the sidelines as they get older as we have done. Maintain a silence and just try and adapt so you won’t be left behind that’s the only advice I can give to you.

I was always very involved with my Grandchildren.. I made a point of not often offering advice except when asked.Did things the way my daughter did. I have an excellent relationship with all my Grandchildren. Really dont know whether it is luck or the way I behaved.

Step well away from the cake. Say how lovely for her friend to want to make a cake for her. Then, LEAVE IT at that. You have a lovely GD and you will be there to help her celebrate her birthday - and even bond with her friend about the great cake she has made. That will give you kudos if that's what you want. Enjoy your GD and enjoy HER day x

Oh dear, I can appreciate how you feel.

You could ask your DD if she’d like another contribution for the celebrations ... cupcakes, brownies etc.
Or perhaps make DGD a cake at another time in the near future ... an ‘off to University’ cake, or a ‘new job’ or Halloween (it’s only a couple of months away).

Try not to let this upset you ... we’re all a bit more stressed or jaded during this wretched pandemic. I am sure you’ve got a nice gift and card for your DGD.

I hope it works out well. ?

Whilst I can see you might be hurt that your "role" has come to an end, I think you are making too much of this. It is quite natural that your grandaughter wants to ring the changes at her 18th Birthday Party. This is her saying that she is an adult who makes her own decisions and that is fine. She is probably unaware that her decision impacts you so much but, at 18, she more than likely hasn't quite got the empathy part of her brain fully formed. For all they grow up early these days, the brain still takes until 21-22 on average to fully form in this area.
You say that your daughter is "prickly". If this is such an enormous thing in your mind, have you considered that she might think the same about you? Maybe your daughter was dreading telling you because she knew how you would react.
Whatever you do, do not make another Birthday cake. Your intentions might be good but that is the way you can easily be misinterpreted. Find another way to celebrate her 18th Birthday and look back on all you have done as happy memories to treasure. In time, you will no doubt have more happy memories to make but you have to accept as they get older, grandchildren often get more distant. It just makes the times you spend with them more special.

I'm afraid part of this is the deep emotional thing we have over food being more than food. And cake being your own particular chosen hobby. The hard part of me says 'get a life' - but of course I know you have a life! Over this, you just have to smile and move on. If you ever meet the 'baker' you may make a new baking friend. At the moment it really is not about you, so try not to be too hurt and make yourself busy with something else. - Stay 'cool' in all senses!

Perhaps being an 18th when your GD will be viewing herself as an adult and your D will probably be seeing her role change quite significantly they don't mind a change in what has always gone before. See your role changing too, hard as it is, GC drift away into their own world. And let's face it, it's a cake, not a life support system!

I wouldn't overthink it. They were maybe not wanting to worry you about possibly having to rush to make it when you had other things you needed to do having been away. Also it may be the GD's friend has offered to make the cake as her birthday gift. Possibly the girl is starting up cake making and it will be good for her to make an 18th cake or she may not have much money but is putting in her time to make her gift for GD. It would also be very hard for GD to say no to a friend who has offered to make the cake but would likely know you as her gran would be happy with whatever she chose to do. I would not make a cake to take but I am sure, as other have said, you could contribute something equally nice for the group to enjoy. Be happy that you are included in her party and enjoy the day.

When the GC were small I always made the cakes I don't think anyone else had the time but now I sit back and enjoy some wonderful creations even those made by the GC themselves. Don't get upset life keeps moving along, turn up, smile and enjoy not having to do the hard work.

Grandmabatty

Why not make her a special birthday cake but a smaller one and share it at your house? I can understand why you are upset, but it isn't worth losing a relationship with your dd and dgd over.

Definitely don't make any sort of cake! It will look like you're in competition and determined to have your own way.

As others say, you feel disappointed but these are things that happen as a young person breaks away into adulthood. Keep up your good relationship with her, that's the main thing.

Hello.
I also don't think a second cake is a good plan - getting into a competition with your GD 's friend doesn't look good. However why not ring GD, ask what type of cake friend is making and if it is ok if you make some little cakes that are different from birthday cake( choc brownies, muffins, merengues, rice crispie cakes etc etc). Generally , I find, people like cake at parties and there is rarely any left over. Try not to be hurt - it does sound thoughtless but not ,I think, designed to be hurtful.

Armoria I can feel your hurt through your sentences and I want to give you a big Hug. ?
I don’t have grandchildren but I would feel the same as you.

Are we over-sensitive? Possibly. But isn’t that what makes us kind and caring humans? and you seem like an excellent grandma.
As others advise, try to get over it - be there to celebrate your GD’s 18th Birthday and have a good time with your family. ?

Maybe when they see the friend's cake they will wish you'd done yours! I remember my son's first birthday. I'd been having cookery lessons and proudly made his birthday cake. Then mum arrived with one of her cakes. She had assumed I wouldn't be making one. She should have asked but really it didn't matter. From then on I left cake making to her.

We have to accept change as we get older; bite the bullet and smile.

Think about it like this - she has a friend who wants to do this for her and that means that she has good friends to be by her side in this new phase of her life.

Take a deep breath and keep smiling!

Your Grand Daughters friend is making the cake, I think it’s sweet that someone she is friends with is doing it, please don’t overthink it.
Unless she is having a second party at your house, don’t make a second cake, that just comes across as trying to prove that you can do better.
She knows you do lovely cakes, but she wants a change.
As for the rest of your post , she has grown up, and is now a woman, I’m sure she loves you just the same but she has grown up and isn’t a little girl anymore, make sure you are always her loving Grandma that she loves to visit, not surly and jealous.
God, I was married when I was 18 (well 18 and three quarters) and certainly wouldn’t have wanted family squabbles about a cake.
But who did I want to make all my children’s cakes and pastries? My Mum (didn’t have a Granny) she will come back to you, don’t worry.

My thoughts exactly Grandmabatty.
I bet Gd would love it too.

As others have said things change, even before Covid! We used to be involved in DGC birthday parties only to be replaced by friends, which is understandable. Go with the flow as they say!