Feeling surplus to requirements AIBU

Children grow up and (Sometimes literally I did ) move away. Coming to terms with one GC making their own life at Uni, and the other one doing the same before going to Uni.
Our children grew up and made their lives, as we all did.
So another of the facts of life, but not as enjoyable as some of the others.

There are so many things that we could be upset about as we reach "the wrong side of freshness" (as my friend puts it).

Maybe to some extent we can choose not to be upset - to find a positive spin to put on it. It might be the only way through this last phase of our lives, unless we want to repeatedly upset.

I try and think myself back to the age that my AC and GC are and ask myself if my behaviour was similar - and whether I ever meant to hurt anyone - yes to the first and no to the second. I am sure that this is the case here OP.

I think a previous poster might have hit the nail in the head when she said that the friend might not be able to afford a gift. If that’s the case, and she’s offered to make the cake as a gift, I think that’s a lovely thought. I wouldn’t get too upset about it.

sweetcakes

*Summer love* nope I don't think it was spiteful at all just being honest! We run around after these children of ours spending our retirement looking after there kids and that's the thanks you get for it!! Do you have any grandchildren?

Are you for real? OP was told 3 weeks in advance that someone was making the cake. It's not like she put through all this extra effort and showed up with a cake that wasn't needed or wanted......GD is doing what is normal. Things change people grow up and move along and want different experiences. It doesn't mean they love their mom or Nan any less it's just what people do.

Oh dear Armoria - I can very well appreciate how you feel. I would be very upset too, but i’d try not to show it to DD and GD as it could make matters worse and cause a big upset between the 3 of you and make you seem “needy”. Sorry to use this word “needy”, but I have experienced a similar thing and that’s the reaction I got! You don’t want that upset around the time of a big birthday or indeed at any time. I would attempt to go with the flow, but I realise it will be hard. I certainly wouldn’t make another cake - that might be seen as competitive and won’t show you in a good light. The idea one of the posters on GN came up with to take your GD out for afternoon tea sounds like a good one. A nice relaxed afternoon together may help you to feel better. You don’t have to mention the cake situation at all. Just enjoy the time together, the two of you. I do emphasise with you, but things change as GC get older and they start to show their independence, but please try not to dwell too much on this. Enjoy the birthday - and admire the cake.

sweetcakes

*Summer love* nope I don't think it was spiteful at all just being honest! We run around after these children of ours spending our retirement looking after there kids and that's the thanks you get for it!! Do you have any grandchildren?

I do think it’s spiteful over a cake.

Surely the things we do for family are done for love?

I don’t expect my family to keep things the same because of choices I’ve made.

Children grow up, change and move past us. That’s a normal cycle in my world.

So yes, to me, to ignore my daughter because my grand daughter is having a friend make her cake is petty and childish.

But, I also don’t help out loved ones, to then hold it over their heads.

Armoria, it seems to me that you just want to vent and are not really looking for advice. So I'm going to validate your feelings and say that both your Daughter and Granddaughter behaved in a thoughtless way, and I don't blame you for being hurt. When people who we have done so much for on an ongoing basis through the years are so careless with our feelings, it really hurts and smacks of entitlement on their part.

So while I agree that it's in your best interests to hide your pain and move forward being aware that this type of thing might happen more often in the future, I want you to know that I totally empathize with you.

It’s quite possible that your GD mentioned it was her birthday soon and her friend (possibly new to cake making during lockdown?) offered to make one for her and she accepted not realising how important it was to you.

Worse things happen at sea - or so my Mum used to tell me!

I'm quite looking forward to when I'm not needed any more.

Gosh 17 years exclusive 'rights'. How lucky you have been.

Par for the course I’m afraid, todays youngsters live in the moment and won’t have given it a second thought . I can see why your upset I would be too,
I wouldn’t make another cake, my mum used to do this, and it came over as controlling when she knew I had already made of bought one and was always wasted.
Don’t worry they’ll be back when they need something else, but you may just be washing your hair .?

Summer love nope I don't think it was spiteful at all just being honest! We run around after these children of ours spending our retirement looking after there kids and that's the thanks you get for it!! Do you have any grandchildren?

I always make a birthday cake for my now adult children. This year, girlfriend of one turned up with cake that was so amazing, it would be a bake-off contender. I was momentarily put out. Then quickly realised how lovely it is that she cares for him so much to go to so much effort. And also that I didn’t have to bake a cake!

sweetcakes

I wouldn't bother let them get on with it and if your D wants anymore favours just day no that will be a shock to her system!! If she can answer texts and calls straight away from your husband then just let her get on with it and don't make another cake it makes you look needy. And finally I get where your coming from been needed and now not just enjoy your husband and Motorhome

That’s a little spiteful over a cake isn’t it?

It’s the GDs party, it should be about her!

It’s not about the cake is it? It’s about being a significant person in your GDs life. Nothing will replace that.

Definitely no second cake!!
Different circumstances bjt one uear my mil turned up at ds's family birthday tea with a birthday cake! No prior history of her providing cakes for him, no discussion and of course we already had one. We "did" ours first as it already had the candles on it (and no spares) and then hastily transferred them and came back with hers!!

I wouldn't bother let them get on with it and if your D wants anymore favours just day no that will be a shock to her system!! If she can answer texts and calls straight away from your husband then just let her get on with it and don't make another cake it makes you look needy. And finally I get where your coming from been needed and now not just enjoy your husband and Motorhome

Agree with everyone to not make a second cake; but perhaps there is another significant event (e.g., going off to college) coming up in the near future that you can make a special cake.

They're outgrowing you Grandma !
I would quietly make a cake but keep quiet about it . The friend's cake might go wrong and they'll call on you in panic ! If it doesn't , you'll still have a cake to enjoy later ( if you freeze it )
Don't pick at the friend's cake , eat it with relish !

Grandmabatty's suggestion is the way to go, I think. A smaller cake but with your special know-how to make it special. As far as your hurt feelings go, you'll have to get over them I'm afraid. My GC's other Granny breaks her heart every now and then because they and her D don't want to spend more time with her. As she is always there whenever I am, I think we're very lucky to be included so much! My mother had being a Granny down to a fine art, (and there were a lot of us children, and we all had children!); she was always there if we needed her, but only ever when asked.

I really feel for you Armoria, you are not at all being unreasonable, I would feel exactly the same if I were you.

I wouldn't take it too much to heart. The offer from her friend might be by way of a birthday gift. Just go along and enjoy the celebrations, you've done your bit.

However, a couple of years ago it was Prom year for my granddaughter. From her being born I have made a great many of her clothes. They were all unique and "one offs" whilst maintaining current fashion trends. Naturally, I offered to design and make her Prom dress but DGD wanted the experience of going to the trendy shops to try lots of dresses on. Yes, I was a little hurt but I got over it and she still asks me to alter, replicate and design garments for her.

It’s nice that your GD wants a party at all. My GD didn’t want an 18th or 21st celebration, and certainly not a cake, as they are all so figure-conscience these days. All she wanted was a good night out with her friends. I didn’t mind, as I’m not really very fond of big gatherings, especially noisy ones with lots of young people and loud music.
I’m sure that they would be mortified to think that they have upset you. They have just been rather thoughtless, as many people can be. Don’t, for heaven’s sake, get into a cake-baking competition. Just accept the situation, and look forward to obliging for other occasions.
PS. If you are desperate to make one, I Love Cake! ?

I understand your feelings and hurt ..but sit back this time, let someone else do the work, enjoy the event ....ask if you can contribute in some other way ...but most of all, enjoy the celebration.

I was the go-to cake decorator for 35 years. Recently a distant relative disclosed that his 18 year old daughter was an ace cake decorator and suggested we exchange pictures of our work. I looked at some examples of what she does and they are beautiful, modern, interesting and nothing like my masterpieces such as a piano, an allotment, a trainer when my son ran a marathon, my 13 year old daughter’s untidy bedroom, a plate of salad, an electric guitar, dragons, dinosaurs, a rabbit hutch complete with rabbit, a swimming pool and dozens of others. Also cakes festooned with sugar flowers to my mother’s taste.

This is a very special birthday for OP’s GD who has seen the cakes her friend produces and wants a cake like them. There comes a time when we have to step back and let the young take over.