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Can never forgive

(100 Posts)
Jaffacake2 Sun 16-Aug-20 16:05:14

I am not sure if this is due to lockdown and alot of self reflection but am feeling bitter about the past and don't know how to let go and forgive.
My youngest daughter has announced her engagement and is planning her wedding for next year. Her father walked out on us when she was 7 and I brought up her and her older sister alone.The woman he was having an affair with he subsequently married and had 3 further children in America. She has since trained and now ordained in the church.
My daughter wants them to be there for her wedding which I fully understand and I will be cordial to them. But really I am feeling angry at the hypocrisy of being ordained and leading a church when she split up my family. I know he was also guilty and find it hard to think he may be walking daughter up the aisle when he wasn't there when she was growing up.
How do I move on from this ? I just feel so sad and angry.

Callistemon Sun 16-Aug-20 22:44:29

Just keep saying to yourself "this is not about me, it's my darling daughter's day. It's just one day and I am so much nicer than (choose your own description)". smile through gritted teeth smile

Lollin Sun 16-Aug-20 22:53:02

Typical re church treatment of you imo! You are strong not to have turned your back on the church too.

I second what oopsminty said -
>>>>>>>> Go, BE AMAZING jaffacake2 <<<<<<<<
& remember all those who understand but can't be there for you would be right behind you if they could

Elrel Mon 17-Aug-20 00:03:37

Appalled at the weak vicar who asked you and your young daughter to worship elsewhere because YOU were ‘embarrassing’ HER parents. Embarrassment surely stemmed from their daughter’s affair.
Wishing you well for the wedding, sure you can get through the day with style and genuine joy!

Jaffacake2 Mon 17-Aug-20 07:18:54

Thank you all for the positive comments. The past is behind me and can no longer hurt me unless I let it.
I will certainly enjoy my daughters wedding with a dramatic hat and a big smile. Maybe not the killer heels that were suggested !

Pepine Mon 17-Aug-20 09:45:49

I am still with my husband after 45 very happy years but when my daughters got married, we both walked them down the aisle and ‘gave them away’. It seemed ridiculous to us all that he alone should do it when we’d both raised them. It was a truly lovely part of the service - we answered ‘we do’ to the question, kissed our daughter in the cheek and sat down. Perfect.

cookiemonster66 Mon 17-Aug-20 09:55:15

Just think .... a leopard doesn't change his spots, chances are he is being unfaithful to his new vicar wife too! I do not understand why any woman who steals someones hubby thinks that he will remain faithful to her is beyond me?

You may find the wedding a cathartic experience, like I did coming face to face with my two timing abusive ex and his new missus at our daughter's wedding. After watching him treat her badly at the wedding, my heart went out to her, I had been in her shoes, felt what she is feeling now, and realising what it must have been like for others watching him treat me in the same way many years ago. In fact I was mega friendly towards her, which really took away his power!

Nowadays I could have gone to the police and report coercive behaviour, but abuse in those days was only physical according to the law.

Go and face your demons, focus on your daughter, you will come out stronger than ever before after doing so!

Rumbabba Mon 17-Aug-20 09:55:23

Smile the whole day through, even though no doubt, you will seething underneath. Better still, ‘borrow’ a drop dead gorgeous fellow to be your partner for the in the eye for him!! Good luck, and hope you enjoy the day regardless.

jaylucy Mon 17-Aug-20 09:56:48

As someone that also was left to bring up their child alone with just about zero input from my ex, I can fully understand your bitterness.
Through my own experience and other friend's experiences in the same situation , I came to realise that when a couple split up, it is very rarely 100% the fault of the person that left.
The person that has been left behind has, in often only a small way often , by what they did or didn't do at the time, given the person a reason to look outside the relationship so although you may well despise the person that he left you, (in my case, he left her as well after having 3 more children with her , despite telling me that he didn't want more) , years down the line it has got you absolutely nowhere.
Your ex and his 2nd wife are a part of your daughter's life and they , as she wishes, have a right to take part in her wedding.
For that one day, a special day in your daughters life, it is time to put whatever thoughts and feelings to one side and concentrate on giving your daughter a wonderful day to remember. Smile, even through gritted teeth and makes your face ache and be civil there is little else that you can do.

Yellowmellow Mon 17-Aug-20 09:58:45

I've attended 2 weddings of my son's and a daughter with my ex giving her away. No maintenance and he also had an affair. It's one day. Hold your head high. There will be a lot going on so you don't have to interact with your ex and his wife. Just be grateful you are not with a lying cheat....and karma will come their way. If you are religious you know they can ascertain to be something on this earth but there is a greater power they are answerable too. Karma is a great thing

Callistemon Mon 17-Aug-20 09:59:16

Maybe not the killer heels that were suggested!

No, I wouldn't be wearing them either grin
Better safe than sorry

Toadinthehole Mon 17-Aug-20 10:06:19

As a Christian myself, I know firsthand how appallingly the church can behave with its hypocrisy, arrogance and judgmentalism . This is why we stopped going eight years ago. However, this lady could have become a Christian....and now is very remorseful, but you need to know that, and she needs to ask for your forgiveness. I know exactly what it’s like to be sad at a child’s wedding. It was different to you, but when my daughter got married, things weren’t right. We nearly didn’t go. Then someone said to me, if we didn’t go, we could never get it back. It would be there forever. I was worried if we did go, it would give us a whole set of bad memories. It did, but at least we are fine now, not sure we would have been, had we not gone, but I can’t have a wedding picture up at the moment. It was four years ago. Just go and do the best you can. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised. Your daughter knows what you’ve done for her, this wedding is one day out of a lifetime, and I’ve found with my daughter, it has paled into insignificance.

crazygranny Mon 17-Aug-20 10:07:23

It's a horrible thing to have to do as I know from experience. I've had to sit through each of my 3 children getting married with their father and new wife. I know you'll do a fantastic job for your daughter as you have done in being a single parent all these years.
I think the way you were treated by your church was disgusting - as if somehow you were responsible for another person's bad behaviour! Hypocrisy abounds but don't let that spoil a single moment of your life. The likelihood is that even though nobody says so out loud most people will think the same as you. You are the better person! Karma will take care of the rest.

CraftyGranny Mon 17-Aug-20 10:08:39


Jaffacake I can understand why you feel the way you do.
Your DD wants her father there, fair enough, but to walk her down the aisle and maybe to give her away - well he gave her away all those years ago.

I think you know you have done a wonderful job bringing them up alone so be confident and be the bigger person. I hope there will be other members of your family there who know the history too who will be there to support you.

I hope you can enjoy the day

My Sister was in this situation. She proudly walked her daughter down the isle despite the father being there.

Just a thought flowers

grannygranby Mon 17-Aug-20 10:15:50

I bet your bottom dollar she is mortified she has to come back and face you all. So get strength from that.
And they are coming in from America? Covid may protect you. Fate moves in mysterious ways.

Flakesdayout Mon 17-Aug-20 10:18:14

I had to put up with my Ex and his new wife at both of my sons weddings (within a month of each other). I felt it was spoilt for me because I was so aware of how I looked etc. His wife came over and asked if I had had my menopause( !??) and he made a nasty comment as we arrived at the church. I decided it was best to ignore them both. At the next wedding, my Ex and his wife took our buttonholes and my son had to ask for them back. I didn't really speak to them that day either and the day wasn't spoilt at all. Looking back I don't know why I was so worried. They just showed up for the day and have disappeared again and only make contact with my sons on birthdays, that is about all.

I had to put aside my feelings as after all it is their Dad despite what happened between me and him. Please don't let this spoil their day. We all look back on it now and have a giggle about the silliness of him and her and how over the top they were.

Good luck with the day and try to enjoy it,

Dee1012 Mon 17-Aug-20 10:18:59

I think my view differs from many, yes it was your husband who "broke up" your marriage but I tend to have one view of the type of person who would knowingly conduct an affair with a married man / woman, especially when it's known they are married.
I've seen and experienced the pain and devastation this situation creates. many have said this is your daughters day. She has reached this point because of you, so smile and be gracious. look your best and as you do, know YOU are the better person.
Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Urmstongran Mon 17-Aug-20 10:19:06

I ❤️ your post MarianHaste - and your user name too!

spabbygirl Mon 17-Aug-20 10:21:15

I should think its totally embarrassing for your ex & partner, cos the story will be known and doesn't show them in the best light

Dylant1234 Mon 17-Aug-20 10:23:13

I hope he’s donated generously, if not entirely, for his daughter’s wedding! I’d be tempted to pretend to be just a bit tipsy at one point and go round introducing them to all and sundry as “my ex husband and the woman he ran off with, but we’re all friends now aren’t we darling?”. Best if bride and groom have already left the wedding party ?

Coconut Mon 17-Aug-20 10:26:13

My 3AC’s father always put his life before staying close to them, he has never been any form of support but has always been ready with criticism..... even when it’s something he knows nothing about. He admits to being a “crap father”, they are his words. He had a cancer scare last year, and altho my 3 were subjected to his tears and regrets, he has still not made any more effort with them or his GC. He has always been very selfish, mean and controlling. At weddings, funerals etc I’ve always just made sure that I look amazing, my head is held high and I’m polite to him and his wife. I also have to admit to feeling very smug, when I’ve been praised to the hilt by my 3 at wedding speeches ..... whereas he didn’t even get a mention !

Mamma7 Mon 17-Aug-20 10:34:38

Similar thing happened to my friend, who was left with four young children. The daughters had Dad and wife to their weddings but Mum walked them down the aisle - thank goodness, it meant the world to her.
Sadly if your ex is paying for the wedding he may be able to call the shots - I hope not....
Another friend’s ex walked out before their daughter was one, paid nothing, never saw her but when daughter was having her own first baby she got in touch with him as though nothing had happened. My friend was and still is in pieces. I think I would have said it’s him or me but I realise that’s probably not the way to go about it!!

nipsmum Mon 17-Aug-20 10:35:10

I can only pass on what my lovely Mum said to me when my husband left to go to another woman he had been seeing for over 12 years. She said dont be bitter, you will only suffer and it won't help anyone least of all you. I heeded her advise and many years later, I still feel it was some of the best advice I've ever had. Bitterness achieves nothing and it only damages your life.

Maddy68 Mon 17-Aug-20 10:35:49

That is a very hard situation to be in. I have had a lot of disappointing experiences in my life with people who should have been the ones to care but didn't (Mom, ex-husband, brother and other family members). It seems like there have been very few good people in my life and my children's lives who have been willing to do the right things, be responsible, and step up to the plate when it comes to parenting and finances. Raising kids as a single parent with no support is especially grueling. However, after decades, I no longer hate my ex (he went on to ruin another family and is now on his third marriage with new kids), nor do I like him; it is neutral now. The hardest thing to realize for me is that none of these people were ever who I thought they were to begin with, and that is where the sadness comes from. I am freed from the anger and grief when I let go my ideas about who I thought they were and am no longer vested in whether or not they are hypocritical, good or bad. Their power over me was because I felt abandoned, hurt and judged to be lacking in some way. In reality, they dumped on me because they had to justify their own poor behavior to themselves somehow. My discernment about people is better these days I hope, going forward. When you really know deep down that that person is not worth your time the toxic emotions will lessen, but it takes a long time. I find the people in my life who have caused me so much pain and trouble to be somewhat ludicrous these days; clowns I don't want to be around. Good luck! YOU GOT THIS!!!

TrendyNannie6 Mon 17-Aug-20 10:38:05

I agree with one of the other posts, put your big girls pants on, a smile on your face and try and have a wonderful time, not easy I’m sure but don’t let what happened years ago overshadow the big day, you’ve done a great job raising your children without a dad in their lives, it’s going to be difficult but remind yourself what a good job you have done, have a lovely day

Daisymae Mon 17-Aug-20 10:44:27

Christianity is about forgiveness 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone' and all that. Maybe you could talk to your current pastor about your feelings? At the end of the day all you have to do is smile and say 'hello' and 'goodbye' at the end of the evening. I am sure that you will all have a great day.