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Can never forgive

(100 Posts)
Jaffacake2 Sun 16-Aug-20 16:05:14

I am not sure if this is due to lockdown and alot of self reflection but am feeling bitter about the past and don't know how to let go and forgive.
My youngest daughter has announced her engagement and is planning her wedding for next year. Her father walked out on us when she was 7 and I brought up her and her older sister alone.The woman he was having an affair with he subsequently married and had 3 further children in America. She has since trained and now ordained in the church.
My daughter wants them to be there for her wedding which I fully understand and I will be cordial to them. But really I am feeling angry at the hypocrisy of being ordained and leading a church when she split up my family. I know he was also guilty and find it hard to think he may be walking daughter up the aisle when he wasn't there when she was growing up.
How do I move on from this ? I just feel so sad and angry.

LuckyFour Mon 17-Aug-20 16:11:45

Just smile a lot at the wedding, laugh, have fun. Show them all how happy you are. Don't show any animosity even if you feel it. Let them all think everything has turned out really well for you and you couldn't be happier. It may be true, but if it's not then don't let anyone know. Smile, smile, smile, have a great time.

chezza1 Mon 17-Aug-20 16:17:01

Would your daughter allow you to walk her up the aisle.o

netflixfan Mon 17-Aug-20 16:38:16

My heart goes out to you, but yes the very best advice is to look fabulous and be happy! Your kids will be relieved, and you will enjoy your day.
The same thing happened to me. Except my ex is now on his fifth wife.
My kids went off the rails after he left, they are Ok now, but I will never forgive him. He is not the full shilling as we say in the north, but nevertheless..............

Alexa Mon 17-Aug-20 17:03:32

It is impossible to forgive unless the person who has done wrong repents which to who one has wronged.

It is unhelpful to insinuate that one ought to forgive as this is sometimes not possible.

Alexa Mon 17-Aug-20 17:05:28

It is impossible to forgive unless the wrongdoer repents Whic is more than saying "sorry!" . The wrongdoer also needs to make reparation within their power to do so.

geekesse Mon 17-Aug-20 17:21:27

When my youngest son got married to a lass from overseas, I did most of the wedding planning with d-i-l-to-be, and picked up most of the cost. The best bit was hosting a reception for the bride’s parents, bridesmaids, groomsmen and my ex and his wife after the wedding rehearsal the evening before the wedding.

Everyone got to know one another, and they all loved it, so it was a roaring success. The bride’s family and all the guests had me up there on a pedestal for all I’d done for the couple. I was able to be utterly gracious to my ex and his wife, thanking them for playing a part when I gave my speech at the wedding breakfast the next day. He ended up looking small and mean - I actually felt a bit sorry for him.

jerseygirl Mon 17-Aug-20 17:24:46

Enjoy your beautiful daughters wedding day and make sure you have a gorgeous hunk on your arm. Have a great day !!

Whatdayisit Mon 17-Aug-20 20:08:27

I feel from your posts that the manipulator - ex- will be making out you have turned your daughter (estranged one) against him.
I hope you can relax and enjoy the wedding.
When this happened in our family and a father who had left the family home was invited to the wedding he had a nasty case of food poisoning on the day and had to leave during the service - not to return!
I would like a similar bit of karma to drift your way Jaffacake2. I particularly don't like how you were asked to join a different church.
I wouldn't be doing any forgiving if i was you but i wouldnt let them get to me you know the truth about the past. Hold your head up and smile with pride you deserve to.

MerylStreep Mon 17-Aug-20 20:30:59

At my daughters wedding 2 yrs ago my ex husband was there and so was his second wife with her now husband.
This is the woman I found hiding in my house through the 2 of them having an affair.
She was also one of our employees who I had to see the next day.
I've never felt any ill will towards her and got over his awful behaviour many many years ago.
Him and I and wife number 2 had a lovely evening all sitting at the same table.
I believe life is too short to harbour bitterness. It does one no good at all.

donna1964 Mon 17-Aug-20 20:31:51

Hi Jaffacake 2, you never know they may not turn up for the wedding hopefully. You don't have to acknowledge them..they do not deserve your acknowledgement. Just keep away from them if they go...It would be great if you walked your daughter down the deserve too. As for the holy than though present you think she ever held peace in her mind?? If he could carry on behind your back...he could carry on behind her's too...that will always be a niggle in her that will never go away. xxx

Dancinggran Tue 18-Aug-20 07:15:09

Your daughter understandably wants her dad at her wedding, he is her dad, no matter what went on. Don't let your bitterness ruin your enjoyment of the day. Be proud of the wonderful daughter you raised. My ex husband walked out when my daughters were aged 6 weeks and 2 years, both now married. Their dad was there with his wife and daughter because that's what my daughters wanted but both asked me to walk them down the aisle. Rise above your bitterness and anger and be the happiest mother of the bride for your daughter and future son in law.

Jaffacake2 Tue 18-Aug-20 08:58:26

Many thanks for all the thoughts and ideas on how to cope with my daughters wedding. I am sorry if this has triggered memories for all the mums who were left to bring up children alone. But we have all managed it and should feel proud as single parenthood is tough.
I hope that I am not embittered and will certainly enjoy her special day. I may forgive but will never forget.

Toadinthehole Tue 18-Aug-20 09:10:31

Bless you, and I wish you all the very best. You sound in the right mindset, and a loving mother. I know it will all fade away, from experience. The best bits are to come. God bless.

timetogo2016 Tue 18-Aug-20 09:45:31

You haven`t got to forgive him Jaffacake2.
What you have got to do is put it to the back of your mind or it will take over/ruin your life.
His loss i think.
And i would be proud if i were you as you have clearly done a wonderfull job of bringing up your daughter,as she wants the father who walked out on you at her big day.
be the better person on the day,as i think he will feel more uncomfortable around those who knows how he treated you.

oodles Wed 19-Aug-20 10:34:39

@jaylucy, the fault is always with the adulterous spouse, if they are not happy, they can seek counselling, and if they are still not happy, can divorce, and THEN find someone else. why blame the faithful party in the marriage

oodles Wed 19-Aug-20 10:38:07

a friend was faced with this situation, and managed to get through it, having as little to do with the adulterous couple as she could and trying to enjoy it as much as possible

Grandmabatty Wed 19-Aug-20 15:57:08

You definitely don't need to forgive either of them but well done for trying to forget them. I hope you have a lovely time at the wedding.

annep1 Wed 19-Aug-20 16:16:02

My advice is to be really pleasant to everyone and make it a lovely day to remember.
When my son married, my husband and I had just recently split up. He insisted on bringing a lady he was living with. He shouldn't have. She shouldn't have been invited. It was still raw for me. So I caused a fuss and how I wish I could turn the clock back. Don't let that be you. It's not worth it.
That doesn't mean I don't see your viewpoint. What your husband and this lady did was wrong. I wonder have they apologised. If she is ordained and hasn't then she's a hypocrite.

Alexa Thu 20-Aug-20 15:49:35

I agree, Annepl.

2020convert Wed 16-Sep-20 19:20:59

Well, this post has finally (after just bing the site for a long time, to join you Gransnetters!
I was married for over 40 years when I discovered my husband cheating. Long, painful story, denying it, all in your mind etc etc.
Of course there were grown up Children and also grandchildren. He couldn’t see he’d done anything wrong as it was “what he wanted”. Never apologised for making me ill, never shown any remorse. Of course it’s been a lot more complicated that this but this is enough info.
Recently(3+years) my son announced his intention to remarry. Asked if his dad was invited - had decided - then yes. I’d suggested leaving both of us out so no awkwardness.
Answer - no, both invited. I immediately panicked and thought no way (son lives abroad so it would have had to be longer than a one day event) however Covid has been my saviour as no one can travel from the UK.
Now I’ve seen this thread and boy, has it helped me. I really believe that if we’d still been able to go, I would have, after all your comments of encouragement . I would have held my head up, been proud of my children, grandchildren and myself. So thank you.

BrandyGran Wed 16-Sep-20 19:56:42

I think hypocrisy is the worst sin. It's so difficult to understand let alone forgive.
I would explain to your dd how it's going to take a lot of courage for you but that because you love her so much you will put on your happy face on her big day.
It will help to have her understanding and support. You probably have it already . Have a great day!

annep1 Thu 17-Sep-20 19:05:57

2020convert GNetters can be so helpful.
When I/we have a problem now my OH says, what does GN think??

Puzzled Sat 19-Sep-20 21:26:21

The joy for you is the happiness of the day for your daughter and her new husband.
Everyone else is a guest wishing them well as they start a new life together.
Don't spoil you enjoyment of the day by brooding on the wrongdoings of others, as hard as that will be.
If you don't climb in to the ring, there can't be much of a fight
Keep your distance from anyone likely to spoil your, or their, enjoyment of the day.

annep1 Sun 20-Sep-20 20:23:40

If you don't climb in to the ring, there can't be much of a fight

Haven't heard that one.