2nd best Granny

Not a grandparent yet but my goodness after reading these posts I don’t think I want to be!!

I too thought the bubble thing was over, I’m sure it is. No one needs to shield now unless they want too. I think you should ask daughter about the bubble being over. Why can’t you meet them even in their garden. It seems very unfair to me ,the children need both sets of grandparents. I have one set of grandchildren over to stay with me. I don’t go to their house because too many people with children turn up. I’ve been shielding for months so just being careful. My other grandchildren live nearby and see both sets of grandparents. I really don’t see what your daughter’s problem is but I do sympathize with you.

It never occurred to me to wonder if my DM and my DMiL were jealous of each other.
Funny, that.

There shouldn't be any competition. Both grandparents are there to love the GD's in different ways. Be glad they are kind people who give the GD's a happy time. Share. It won't always be equal...but I cannot see that sarcastic comments will help the situation. Gifts are gifts, not ways of buying entitlement.

When my first grandchild [now there's 2] came along the other Nanny would look after him for a day at a time in her own place. She fed him, soothed him, took him out in the buggy, changed nappies etc. I saw him in the evenings and he was in his own environment with his own toys and we just played and had fun. I would take him out to the cinema or bike riding when he was older and played cricket and football with him. The other Nanny didn't want to do that. It worked.

My other son now has 2 children. They see their Nanny and Grampy a lot. They have sleepovers there and they all go on holiday together [often abroad] and have a marvellous time. I can't do that, but am delighted that they have the experiences they do. Also their 3 cousins live next to the grandparents too so another good reason for them to be there a lot. I contribute in other ways, pick them up from school, take them swimming, and do activities at home with them.....reading, writing, painting, drawing etc. They think I am funny!

My DGD came to my house the other week, quickly gave me a crepe paper/pipe cleaner flower and said she'd made it for Nanny '....but you can have it Granma'. I just laughed. Did I think I was second best? No, we are just different. No offence intended or taken. Kids eh?

I agree with Bamm - I thought the bubble thing was over, or at least that we could now meet our children & grandchildren for picnics in the open air? That’s what we’ve been doing with all ours- one family at a time. And one family lives very neat the o ther GPs so sees them more but that’s only natural and I try not to let it get to me. Just glad to see them when we can.

I thought this bubble business was finished with now we are being urged to get back to our normal lives, within certain restrictions of social distancing with strangers.

Grannycantsit I had to laugh at your wicked comments. You were honest enough to express your feelings (even if they were tongue in cheek!).

Lots of people wouldn’t be that honest even if they thought it!

When my grandson was born he saw more of his other nana as she was diagnosed with cancer and only had a year to live..... so I happily took a backseat. She lived til he was 15 months old , and I’ve been only grandparent out of four since...then along cane number two grandchild and she’s only known me. It’s been easier to bond with her rather than the older boy , and I’m sorry for that.... but I’m still here and with them all ...other nana doesn’t know what she’s missed out on. Do what you can when you can with the grandkids...take nothing for granted...and live every moment with them. Try not to be envious... and don’t count what you do for them, then throw it back at your daughter. Try to take your contact with them as it comes.... and don’t forget that daughter of yours. It’s really stressful being an only child.

Wise words Bazinga. I'm sure many of us can identify with what you are saying

I’ll bring, I hope, a bit of bitter sweet humour to this. When my DGS was born 15 years ago, both grannies were with my DD to see him being born. Sadly he has disabilities and is at a special school. His other granny died recently, far too young. I had a chat with him about his loss as he is very sad. Never mind Granny, he said to me, you can be my real granny now! I know my place!

It can be awkward being the favourite too.I am no 1 with the small people and when they heard they were going to stay with gran they were excited until they realised it was not me! When they left the other house gran didn't kiss them because of the bug and on the way home the wee one was crying because granny doesn't like me.?

When my son's children were babies and toddlers they were here at least one day/night every weekend. When they started school they spent more time at the other gran's. It made sense as they live in the same village. It's made no difference whatsoever to my relationship with them. They know they are loved and can turn to us at any time and we know we are loved back. We can turn up on their doorstep whenever and chat there. It made more sense for us to bubble with our daughter and family as she's a key worker and has small children who go to the same school as where I work. My advice would be to step back and let them carry on. Don't make yourself look "needy" and don't be so quick to put your hand in your pocket. Just make sure the grandchildren know you'll always be there for them. By the way, your daughter's remark seems very uncalled for.

Don’t worry, I’m classed as the 2nd best granny as you describe it. My dd lives a couple of miles away from her dmil and dmil looked after my dgc from the time my dd returned to work, about 9 months old I think. My dgc are very close to my dsil’s family as they live so close to each other and we live 2 hours drive away. I have had to accept this as it’s human nature. When we see them we try to give them a good time but it’s obvious they’re not as close to us. It’s a shame but that’s the way it is and probably always will be.

With, not when. Sorry

I feel this has less to do with the bubble and more about the relationship when your dd.

What happened while of after taking care of your 1st gd and the second gd arrived ?

Did she your dd ask you to buy the uniforms, trampoline, etc?

Your daughter was a bit harsh saying "no chance"

Don't understand this bubble thing, if people in the bubble are going out to work, socialising, they could get the virus and bring it into three bubble couldn't they?

I can understand why you feel upset, but you have ‘had your turn’ with the first GC. It sounds as though the other GP had a lot less of a look-in then.
Why feel resentful? Times are difficult, and they have found the solution that suits them best. When things become more normal you will be able to see your GC, and interact with them a lot more.
I see my 21 year old GD regularly. The other three are in Australia. I’m very happy that there are two Aussie GPs on hand for one of them. Another has only his Dad, with both sets of GP in the U.K. The third has me in the U.K. and her other GP in Peru (where there is a very worrying Covid rate) We are stuck with how things are. I sympathise with parents struggling to cope. Why make things harder for them by complaining about how often you see your GC. That is bound to upset them.
Try not to dwell on the situation. It’s not a competition, and your GC will still have a good relationship with you when things get back to normal again.

I went over to see my two grandchildren in their garden to have a play. While I was there other g ma popped in too.
All of a sudden she announced to the children ‘ no no you can’t cuddle granny, she’s not in our bubble !!’
The children looked at me as if I was nuts!!!!
My daughter and I had had the bubble conversation, because her husbands mum was on her own and could bubble with them. BUT as she is fit and healthy they decided NOT to bubble with her as they felt it was too confusing for the children.
Anyway, I didn’t say anything , just said , come on let’s go on the swing.
So they did and started jumping off and we marked how far they had jumped.
Then gd said go on granny you have a go, jump!!
I said , oh no better not don’t want to hurt myself.
Then other g ma said she would ( and I thought hope you fall off !!!!)
Well she swung on the swing, went to jump off and ......yes....... her arse got stuck in between the ropes and she fell flat on her back with one hell of a wallop !!!!
That put her out of action for a bit !!!! ??
As a family we get on great and all say what our limitations are. If I’m asked to have them overnight I often say , have you asked g ma too cause I know how she loves to have them. ( I’ve no patience anymore ????)

Susiewakie, it is really hard sometimes to be a Gran, even when you have been close to your grandchildren but you just have to balance it with the good times you have had and the ones to come. It may be that your daughter feels under pressure to do what she is doing with her MIL and so any criticism will doubly hurt which will make her prickly.
My daughter is entirely different but sometimes it still rankles. She and her husband are rigid in "what's fair" so I sometimes get the short straw even though I put in all the legwork. My daughter acknowledges that (although I never query it) but feels that her marriage is much more important to keep sweet than placating me...rightly so.
My counterpart has a bitter jealousy of me because she thinks we are rich (oh I wish) and she isn't. She feels I should give the grandchildren £10 like she does but we give all our grandchildren £25 for birthdays and Christmas. I don't feel able to give 2 of the 9 different just to pacify her. I will buy the grandchildren what their parents agree to, she won't. There are loads of things where we differ including the way we treat our children and grandchildren. She thinks I'm too soft, I am amazed that Social Services don't step in to her household. We are never going to agree but I would never bad mouth her to my daughter or her family. As long as the children are safe, I tend to side step complaints from my daughter if I can. I have learned that no matter how much my daughter complains about her to me, any words of denunciation from me will backfire even if I am agreeing with her!

“Susiewakie” I’m sorry you’re feeling left out and hurt and it’s understandable. I would be too. You’re obviously a very loving and sensitive person otherwise you’d just shrug it off. Our adult children can be so insensitive at times, but I don’t think it’s meant to hurt us.
My eldest DD and family live abroad and had booked to come and stay with us for Easter. Due to Covid it wasn’t possible and I’m not sure when I’ll see them now. It’s eighteen months since we were last together.
My youngest DD lives a couple of hours away, but due to her workload and her DH’s I don’t see a great deal of them.
I think in your position I would feel hurt and jealous of their other grandma. It’s not easy but try and look on the bright side, these little ones are so lucky to have so much love shown to them. Keep in touch in whatever way you can, ie. send cards and texts. Telephone them. My DGC love getting things through the post.
Sending you best wishes and a virtual hug ?

I don't think you are being over sensitive. It must be upsetting for you and sadly adult children can be quite cruel and dismissive to their parents sometimes (they probably don't mean to be) and I suppose as parents we have to take it on the chin but it's still hurtful and upsetting. I don't know why they seem to be excluding you and you are not in the family bubble? Do you have an underlying health condition? You mention that you still work so you are probably not over 70? Maybe have a chat with your daughter about it?

I feel your hurt. There have been times when DDs MIL has been more involved than I have, but she is widowed, whereas I still have DH. I'm happy to have GD every Thursday. With my GS I have struck lucky - my DD2 is single, but shares the boy with his father, but as far as I know, his father has no contact with his mother. I do feel sorry that this lady has no idea she has a beautiful bright GS. On the other hand I'm well aware, if she knew of him, then I would probably not see him so much!

Susiewakie you do sound very emotional and I guess this situation is really getting to us all.
I was booked to go to Spain to see my DD and 2 oldest DGC next week - seems very unlikely now, will they even be able to come over for Christmas, they certainly couldn't quarantine for 2 weeks.
Very happy to now be seeing other DGC who live nearby, we took the gang out for a meal a few weeks ago and it all worked out well. They're coming for a sleepover soon too.
Unless you're very vulnerable I don't think there's a problem spending time with them now in most parts of the country, and it's so good for our emotional well being.
Hope you're back with them soon

twinnytwin

This time will pass and you'll soon be able to see your DGDs again. Their love for you wont have diminished - in fact it'll be even more exciting and special to see you both. Deep breathe.

Thank you, twinnytwin. I was feeling sad this morning as I have not seen my DGC for so long. Your post has cheered me up.

Oh! razzmatazz, your post brought a tear to my eye.
Wise words indeed from your Dh.