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AIBU

2nd best Granny

(95 Posts)
Susiewakie Tue 25-Aug-20 12:11:46

Hi need to talk to someone about this going mad .AIBU I have 2 lovely GDGD's until 2nd one came along i looked after DGD1 a lot even while working to help out etc. Fast forward to now and although I know the kids love me and hubby we are being sidelined .Sorry to rant but so upset it has been gradually fading me out while Sil mother is main Granny now .Thanks to the virus they are a bubble with her she has them for sleepovers etc I'm not allowed to touch them etc .My heart is breaking into bits tbh 💔 😢. My daughter said yesterday if I thought she was obligated to see me because she's a only child no chance .I only said lucky other Granny able to see them properly .I have continued buying school shoes and uniform got them a tramploine etc but am I being overly sensitive ? Help Grans

Luckygirl Tue 25-Aug-20 12:16:22

The whole rule about being able to bubble with our families was bound to cause problems of choice and causing upset.

One of my DDs sees far more of her OH's mother, simply because she is younger and fitter - it does hurt a bit, as the "other granny" is doing all the things I would love to do; but I try to be happy for her and for the GC, and understand the reasons.

Maybe you are not being "sidelined" but there are sound reasons for their choice. You know they love you - do not make them feel bad. I know it is hard, but we do not want to allow this virus to upset our relationships with our familes.

Toadinthehole Tue 25-Aug-20 12:25:26

This is such a common problem, don’t worry, you’re not alone. Am I right....is it your daughter and son in law? Or the other way round? It is more common for the paternal grandparents to feel ousted, but that’s not always the case. Is there a particular thing which you think may have caused this, or is it to do with the logistics, where you live etc? My advice would be to talk if you think there is an issue, but to just accept graciously, anything you are offered. There’s a danger of expecting too much,,,and then finding yourself on the estrangement threads. Tread carefully at all times, enjoy what you have, and do something for you. You deserve it having brought up a family. I can guarantee, whatever the situation is now, will change backwards and forwards over time. I used to see my eldest grandchildren all the time before they went to school. Things change naturally. If there is no specific problem....don’t make one. All the best to you.

twinnytwin Tue 25-Aug-20 12:25:41

This time will pass and you'll soon be able to see your DGDs again. Their love for you wont have diminished - in fact it'll be even more exciting and special to see you both. Deep breathe.

sodapop Tue 25-Aug-20 12:26:07

This whole situation is causing problems but don't make things worse Susiewakie there are bound to be inequities. Your family know how much you love them but you can't do much about it at present, resentment of the other grandparents will only make things worse. You buy things for them because you love them and not because you want something in return. Be positive and don't dwell on this, you can send messages etc and keep in touch.

Tansy Tue 25-Aug-20 12:26:47

My daughter said yesterday if I thought she was obligated to see me because she's a only child no chance .I only said lucky other Granny able to see them properly.

I'm unsure what you mean by this.

But I can tell you that it hurts if you feel your mum only wants to see the grandchildren and not her daughter.

Susiewakie Tue 25-Aug-20 12:33:12

thanks for the common sense advice ! Your right I will be grateful for when I do see them .I love them so much 💓 My DD isn't close to me she usually asks me to have the kids so she can ho out with friends or away for the weekend which I guess is why I'm finding our arms length approach so hard x

Doodledog Tue 25-Aug-20 12:43:22

Two things stood out for me in the OP, and I say this as advice not criticism, and they are:
My daughter said yesterday if I thought she was obligated to see me because she's a only child no chance .I only said lucky other Granny able to see them properly.

and
I have continued buying school shoes and uniform got them a trampoline . . .

the first one I take to mean that you made a comment about the other Granny, and your daughter replied that she wasn't obliged to see you? Obviously I don't know her or you, and can't comment on the dynamics with any certainty, but it does sound as though she thinks that you feel she does have this obligation. Maybe you do, and that's ok, but if she doesn't feel it, then there is a mis-match of expectations which can lead to conflict.

The second point suggests that you feel that because you buy things for the grandchildren that this reinforces the obligation. Maybe you don't feel this, but the fact that you bring it up is telling, I think.

Can you have a proper discussion with your daughter, or would that lead to confrontation, do you think? I get the impression that you both have different ideas about what is expected of you, and that you might be able to sort it out if you have the sort of relationship where you can talk frankly without giving offence.

Maggiemaybe Tue 25-Aug-20 12:54:45

Yes, the whole “bubble” thing has caused a few problems, but it was brought in with the best of intentions, mainly to help people who were on their own and possibly isolated.

My DD1 and family have been able to bubble with her MIL, which has been a great help to both of them. As I’m not on my own, I’ve to be patient. I don’t feel sidelined at all though, these are the rules, it is what it is and we do what we can by way of meeting up with the family in parks and on walks (we’re in an area with special restrictions). It’ll pass.

Anveran Tue 25-Aug-20 14:18:47

I don't think you are being over-sensitive Susiewakie, these things hurt and can be all consuming. I understand your pain as I have a similar situation here but the answer is to feel it but not act upon it for fear of alienating your family even further. Things will get better but only if you grit your teeth and smile through it. Good luck!

Waitedamillionyears4U Tue 25-Aug-20 14:31:14

Rather a rude comment from your daughter about feeling obligated in my opinion 😤

kircubbin2000 Tue 25-Aug-20 15:54:15

I'm quite relieved to have been sidelined as I was finding it stressful with the new school run. I'm now free in the afternoons as other grandad likes driving and lives near the school. I can still see the family at the weekend which I prefer.

FarNorth Tue 25-Aug-20 16:09:43

I only said lucky other Granny able to see them properly

And that clearly came across as a complaint from you, causing the answer you got from your DD.

Your DD is coping as well as she can, in this difficult covid situation.
She doesn't need criticism, whether open or veiled.

Please do take the advice on this thread.

BlueBelle Tue 25-Aug-20 16:19:37

But is this bubble thing (which always seems daft to me) still in place I would have thought you can visit or have visits now everyone I know does or perhaps you’re in a lockdown area

I long ago had to get used to the fact that two grandkids live thousands of miles from me and in the next street to their other gran and grandad and three others who live overseas to both grandparents have a child minder who s had them all from babies and become a family friend and plays granny to them and goes to all their school shows takes them to pantomimes etc etc
I can’t honestly say I ve never felt a twinge of jealousy but it’s pointless I think the worst was my youngest daughter herself was coming up to a special birthday and I asked if she would like a piece of jewellery for her present and she declined saying she doesn’t wear much in the way of jewellery then some months later when I next visited as we were driving from the airport she said look what xxxx bought me for my birthday
No point in dwelling on it I don’t suppose she realised she was being insensitive just pick yourself up brush yourself down and carry on carrying on

Beauregard Tue 25-Aug-20 17:38:57

We've got this situation too and, due to divorces, there are four sets of grandparents. In addition to this, SIL is very close to his own grandparents and treats them like grandparents to his own children, so in effect there are six sets of "grandparents" confused which makes it very crowded and often complicated. I'm the maternal grandmother and was the one who stayed with and raised my DC after their father left. SIL is a stronger character than my DD, so his family seem to be given precedence. It's the lack of consideration that can sometimes hurt.

Urmstongran Tue 25-Aug-20 18:26:28

It is what it is.
Try to accept things - it’s not a competition.
The more people who love these little people the better, surely?

MissAdventure Tue 25-Aug-20 18:33:48

I'm sure almost all families face these kinds of issues at some time, with divorce, extended and blended families.

It's just one of those things - we can either make a fuss (openly or just through "innocent" comments) or grit our teeth and get on with the hand we're dealt.

If it's just because of the practicalities of bubbling, then I know which I would do.

crazyH Tue 25-Aug-20 18:45:58

Miss Adventure - "" it's just............dealt" - that's given me something to think about.

MissAdventure Tue 25-Aug-20 19:01:22

I hope I haven't offended you, crazyh.

That's never my intention. flowers

crazyH Tue 25-Aug-20 19:05:38

Not at all Miss A...... you've given me food for thought.

welbeck Tue 25-Aug-20 19:16:06

Urmstongran

It is what it is.
Try to accept things - it’s not a competition.
The more people who love these little people the better, surely?

wise words.

Sugarpufffairy Wed 26-Aug-20 08:50:57

What I drew from the original post was that Susiewakie used to provide babysitting and or childminding as well as supplying clothing and shoes and a trampoline. Then when the young family had to chose who to bubble with they chose the other grandparents. We do not know if the other grand- parents are also providing items for the DGC
I can see why Susie feels put out at this point. I know a lot of grandparents provide various kinds of help to adult children and grandchildren.
When I saw that I was only good for babysitting and child minding and providing various items but apart from discussing the times children would be dropped off or picked up I was never conversed with or visited without a drop off or pick up, I decided I wanted more for my own life than just being used so backed off.
It is hard to be treated like this but it seems to happen such a lot nowadays.

Readerjb Wed 26-Aug-20 08:51:05

You’re right to feel disappointed. And your daughter’s comments about no obligation must have been hurtful. I was bitterly disappointed when my son was born, having only ever wanted a girl. Now, one girl later, I’ve learnt that daughters can be crueller than sons

deanswaydolly Wed 26-Aug-20 08:52:42

Just to say I know how it feels. I had seen my grandchildren nearly every day from the birth 12 years ago of first grandchild(daughters). Other Nanna lived an hour away with no transport. She never babysat or did anything hands on. We took them all on family holidays, looked after weekends whilst parents working, did school work. They had no car so we were on hand every time for any emergency hospital runs, the "I need to go to Ikea" etc. They were our whole life. Last year they moved abroad and took Nanna with them. Obviously I was devastated and felt that I had outlived my usage. However, they are all very happy and healthy and have a wonderful lifestyle - pre covid- and I am really happy and delighted for them. It took some rethinking on my part but our children have their own lives to lead and now the reaction from them when I do see them is tear jerking. Yes I miss them and feel like my right arm has been torn off but the bigger picture is their welfare and happiness.

morethan2 Wed 26-Aug-20 08:55:23

Sometimes I’m first best granny, sometimes I’m second best granny. It depends on what’s going on with my grandchildren at the time.
I’m happy with that because when my younger son was returning after a 6 month stint away he wrote on a family group page
“I can’t wait to see
My wife
My boys
My dog”
So that’s when I realised I’m often in 4th place after the dog! 😱😂
I think it’s normal to be over sensitive during these horrible last few months, your daughter is probably suffering from it too.
I bet they’ll be really excited to see you when the time comes.