Parenting - where I went wrong

Parenting doesn't come with a hand book and I bet we all wished we had done something different . Perhaps that's why we are given a second chance with grandchildren . We can only say to our children that we thought we were doing our best at that time .

An awful and all too similar experience for many EP's Haweral it's good to know that your counselling affirmed that you weren't and are not to blame.

Well, I must have done something right with my DDs, they have turned out great. As children they were messy and argumentative. I remember a neighbour telling me my girls were so well mannered - I asked if she had the right children, yes, she said. Then I thought t least they know how to behave with other people!

icanhandthemback things happen that are beyond our control but accountability is always a factor anyway as you have just demonstrated.

I could easily blame my upbringing... I don't because it's my place to be my best regardless. Would I have made some mistakes if they weren't learnt? No... Am I responsible for them anyway? Yes...

Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs out there and we all don't have a natural inclination to be good at it but even the best artist born with natural skill has to practise and strive to reach their full potential.

A painting can be beautiful with many mistakes because the artist didn't give up and finished it to the best of their ability.

Its always that effort and that strive that is loved and appreciated

Oh goodness, I have ended up with a normal balanced adult who is a lovely mum to my little DGD’s but my eldest has severe MH issues which are at the moment impacting on us all. She literally came out screaming and has never stopped despite being close to 30! I am certain now that the stress I had during my pregnancy has had this devastating effect on her. It’s truly awful for her and the rest of us sadly .... I am not sure if I could have done things much differently as the circumstances at the time were pretty horrible for all of us .... hindsight is a wonderful thing!

This post really struck a chord. My children turned out great character-wise. But both have mental issues, which are in their DNA, but still I've beaten myself up, wondering what I did wrong. At least I do that, my husband is not given to self-doubts. The problem is that our son has a very bad relationship with his father, and is now saying that he has trauma because his father wasn't around much ( due to work) when he was in his teens. The other problem is that I completely agree with my son, but I don't feel that I should criticise my husband to my son. Our marriage hasn't been that wonderful, but I stuck it out for the good parts.
If I could go back I think I would have done everything differently. They say a woman should always chose a man who will be a good father, first and foremost, and I do agree.

I believe we were fantastic parents. Our eldest tried to tell.me I was the worst.mother in the world when his partner took a recent dislike to us and cut off access to our only grandchild just to.be spiteful. Thankfully after counselling I see very clearly that we did nothing wrong as parents and he was just under pressure and looking for someone to blame. Sadly though.that's done a lot of damage in how I feel about him.now. I certainly wouldn't let him.look after my affairs now. So I think even good parents get painted as not so good sometimes. At the end of the day we can only do.the best we can. All humans are flawed in some way.

Starblaze, I understand where you are coming from. My early childhood was traumatic with chaotic, often violent, relationships, explosive discipline and an absent father so boarding school at 7 was a complete relief. However, when I reached adulthood, I was completely without the skills to make good decisions about my own relationships and repeated the cycle although I didn't hit my child and tried to be a better parent. I was terribly stressed and unhappy throughout my first pregnancy which makes me thinks my eldest child was impacted before she even entered the world.
Just before my second child was born, I became a single parent when he was very young I met my current husband who was a more stable person with a wonderful upbringing so I learned a lot from him. By the time we had our own child, I had become a much gentler, parent who recognised that children needed to be able to negotiate and be heard. However, I'm still not perfect and don't suppose I ever will be.

I protected my children from learning that their dad was an absolute t*at. These days they believe the sun still shines out of his posterior and I broke up a good marriage. The truth was the opposite. Do I regret it? Sometimes when I'm feeling hard done by but then I think no. It wasn't their fault and why should children be burdened with the knowledge about their parents. It's too late to tell them now. It would seem like sour grapes and he did a brilliant hatchet job on me when I escaped.

We can't change the past. Looking back with the hindsight of experience often makes us doubt ourselves but we have to remember that we did our best at the time and no one is perfect.

I expect a lot of normal people would like to turn back the clock an undo their past mistakes...

The only way to actually do that is to be accountable for them... Which everyone can still do regardless of the outcome of those mistakes and whether or not being accountable changes the present situation.

If my mum could be accountable, we wouldn't be estranged. No accountability means no personal growth. We can only be accountable for ourselves, not force others to be.

We can teach accountability though, especially to children.

I suffered with PND after dd born, so don't feel that I was a particularly loving mother to her or ds, who was born 2 years later. Also suffered from anxiety in varying degrees on and off throughout my life. When I started working as a TA in school, and did training courses in supporting children with emotional problems, I realised that my children had probably missed out on the emotional side of their upbringing, much as I did due to a broken home. When I ask dd and ds now what they remember of childhood, they have good memories, so I can't have done too badly after all. They are kind,caring people, although both suffer with anxiety.Now we have two grandchildren and I try to be with them how I wished I had been with my two when younger. DH has always been very supportive throughout ,I need to add. Not sure that I am trying to make a point, but needed to get this off my chest as I have often felt guilty for not showing enough love to dd and ds when children.

jeanrobinson you obviously did a good job, even if you felt you had a problem with 'bonding' with No.2! The popular notion of bonding is over-emphasised and has been challenged in more recent research. It is not magic, otherwise how would adoptive parents cope? It's not helped by the midwifery schools and nursery nursing courses hanging onto the notion of post-natal bonding as if it were fairy dust! There is the notion of 'goodness of fit' between the parent and child's personalities, and sometimes a child's innate behavioural style is not so easy for the parent (parent figure) to deal with. However, love goes a long way to iron out the tricky bits. You only need to be a 'good enough' parent, not a perfect one!

I'm sure I'd do many things differently but they all seem happy with what I did do and have turned out well!

Another one of my mother's sayings comes to mind:
"If I knew then what I know now"
Or "hindsight is a wonderful thing"

I had the conversation with one of my sons about the fact that I went out to work, as a single parent, and left them at home and how bad I felt about it. (They were in their young teens) He said I was not to worry as they enjoyed the independence, the fact that they could prepare their meals (which I had left for them) when they wanted and have on the TV what they wanted and play their computer games. There are times I would love to turn the clock back and not do some of the silly things I did but all has turned out well. Its in my head where the 'guilt' is and not with them.

There is no rule book for parenting and parents do not always reap what they sow ! We are all different and our children all react differently, so a lot of parenting is trial and error. I don’t over analyse my mistakes and I know my good bits far out weigh the not so good bits, as all 3 of mine are still very close to me. My 90year old mum constantly criticises others parenting, to a degree that I have to remind her that she was not perfect either.

My childhood wasn’t easy with my mum who was quick tempered and fiery. I just hated the shouting as a child and that was one thing I would not do when my children arrived. I wish I had done some things differently and was just too dam tidy! My mother wasn’t and neighbours would talk about her so that rubbed off on me too. I have mellowed and more laid back now but regret not letting them get messy as children. They seemed to have grown up fairly normal and not OCD like I was which is a good thing. I’m yet to meet a parent who got everything right.

That should have said:

It's not the mistakes that make for bad parenting, it's the inability to be accountable for them...

I remember every mistake I ever made and that list is OK because I have a stroke through every single one of them (I am aware of so far) as resolved.

I struggled as a new mum because my home life growing up was abusive and I didn't have a "normal" for comparison. Especially when others idea of "normal" are all different and some of what people still believe is "normal" is actually quite abusive after decades of research and understanding.

I learnt most of what I learnt about being a better parent than my mum (not a perfect parent but better) by just seeing the hurt looks on my own children's faces when I repeated patterns. Some parents (like my mum) would have seen those hurt looks and decided they were fine or deserved and actually been happy at that outcome.

I have a ridiculously huge gap between my first and my last surprise late baby.

Unortunately I am more tired and more busy and working now... Emotionally I am a better parent though and I've made most of the mistakes I was capable of making (hopefully).

I don't think children need or want perfect parents. If a parent never expressed fear, frustration, anger or sadness... How can they teach their child to cope with those emotions?

Parents do need to learn how to cope with those emotions positively to teach that to their children though. That's the difference between expressing anger in a healthy way with words, that finds resolution and punching a hole in a wall or worse a person.

It is not the mistakes that make for bad parenting... Its the ability to be accountable for those mistakes and show you make a real genuine effort not to make them again.

That is a good parent despite all the vast differences in culture and home life and age and physical/mental health we all have.

But a he'd turned out to be a happy and successful adult ....... and son, I'm going to assume (we) did something right, some of the time.

Same for us Chewbacca. Estranged from one son but continue to have our other son in our lives. We are imperfect people who became imperfect parents and did our best for our imperfect children.

Spangler the way you talk about your dad is very touching "He wasn't perfect but he was my Dad ......... My Dad, my hero". Lovely.

Turn this scenario around, were your parents the perfect parents? My father certainly wasn't, but then his wife, my mother, died aged just 33, leaving him with four children under the age of ten to raise alone.

It was hellish, he struggled, the stress wrecked his health, but for all that he brought us all to adulthood. He wasn't perfect but he was my Dad, and I will not have a word said against him. My Dad, my hero.

The desire for children of my own never happened, and now at an age when the visit of a grandchild would brighten the hearts of most, I have no regrets to being childless. But I often wonder if my childhood has any bearing on that.

If I could go back and do it again, sure I would. I'd do things differently; approach things differently and maybe even have had more children if I'd known how lovely the one I did have was going to turn out. But as he's turned out to be a happy and successful adult, husband, father and son, I'm going to assume that I did something right, some of the time.

Ditto what midgey said MissA you are doing a great job

I've met many of those people grandMattie so annoying, I often feel tempted to tell them my grandchildren are in prison/ fraudulently claiming benefits/ ill treating their dog etc just to see them lost for words. I must admit to falling into the trap at times and boasting about my grandchildren.

So aptly named HolyHannah

We are none of us perfect, so never perfect parents. Some of the things I look back on and feel I did not do well by them I have discovered that they do not even remember!

During my career I had reason to meet many really really bad parents, so I had the consolation of being able to tell myself that I was not as bad as that!

When it comes to parenting, good enough is good enough.

Let’s not be mean to each other on here.

MissA does a fantastic job under heartbreaking circumstances (and older too while she’s at it which can’t be easy) and I very much admire her.

I gather that HH had a very unhappy childhood so it’s quite understandable she has personal knowledge about what harm can be done to a child through bad parenting and puts a lot of effort and thought into doing it better herself.

Both I’m sure are good people.

Oh yes i would love to turn the clock back and be starting my family all over again and not making the mistakes i did first time. Sadly that is not possible. MY kids are all ok and turned out well but i still feel that i could have done so much better than i did. Would be love to be a parent nowadays, so much help, support and guidance out there for those who are struggling.