Parents/Grandparents Held Hostage

I am friendly with two sets of grandparents who have been worn out by the demands of their adult children to do childcare.
One set has grandchildren in the US and go over at least twice a year to look after the children in the holidays, then in term time they are in demand by the family who live close by. They are worn out and not getting any younger.
The other is a widow who used to fly abroad to do childcare several times a year. He daughter has now moved back here and bought her mum a house virtually next door, presumably so granny is on hand to babysit, though the daughter says it is to support her mum in her old age. She is a very fit 73 year old at the moment.
Both lots know they are put upon, but they have agreed, or at least gone along with it. I am thinking maybe the pandemic has given them a welcome break and a chance to rethink their commitments.

Firstly I appreciate we are very lucky to have our children and grandkids living close by however I do feel a bit trapped at times. We have 3 grandkids from 2 households and potentially we can do 2 mornings and 4 after schools per week plus school holidays. We’ve also a new little one due near Xmas, which will mean full days again. We love them all to bits and feel we have to be fair to our son as well as our daughter. My son and his partner only use us if necessary however my daughter does tend to be more demanding and I do feel we have to ask permission to go on the occasional holiday. We first became involved to help out because of the cost of childcare but it goes on for years and years and so many days are unavailable to plan anything for ourselves. I think it’s only been lockdown that has made us realise how much more time we’ve had to please ourselves when there’s been nowhere we can go. Youngest son and his partner do not have any children but are talking about it in the future so the childcare will continue til we drop I think! Hey ho!

I live 200 miles away from my grandchildren, so the problem doesn’t arise. I’d like to see a bit more of them than I do, but I was always certain that I don’t want to do childcare except in an emergency. I was very happy to do it once, with my own children, but I don’t see any reason to do it twice.

I wouldn’t have expected my parents to do it, either. It’s the parents’ job, not the grandparents’. I think some parents have forgotten that.

When my husband had to take retirement at 57 because of poor health we decided to let the bungalow and tour Europe by caravan full time. People would come on to site for a couple of weeks and say they would like to do likewise but “what about the grandchildren”. My reply. They have their parents.

Smileless

No, grandparents are not being forced.

The grandparents choose their actions based on the most desirable outcome.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Held hostage implies an adult has 0 choice in the matter and are forced to comply". If a GP realistically fears that if they don't comply, they wont be able to see their GC anymore, then they *are being forced.

If you can have a good balance with the rest of your life then that is fine but you do need to realise that this stage of caring for small GC will end and it shouldn't really be your whole life, or at some point you are going to feel rather lost. Teenage GC can be great fun and it is interesting to hear all that is going on but our place in the pecking order is different now.

I looked after my GD until she started school. Next week I will start looking after her brother 2 days a week. It is not expected of me as my DS does not take anything for granted. I volunteered to look after GD and we left our lovely cottage in Somerset to move back near our DS to do it. To me it was an honour. I worked nights when my children were small and never enjoyed them as much as I should. I am very close to my GD having been through all the good and bad times looking after her. Yes I have a busy life in my retirement. I have gained a degree through the OU and am present am TRYING to learn two languages. I have a good circle of friends plus I am arty so always have some project on the go. Two days a week out of my life is worth every minute because. when I am gone I want them to have fond memories of me. I appreciate that you don't have to look after your GC for them to have fond memories but it makes me happy and each to their own.

Thanks Illte!

"
Held hostage?

We're adults. We're responsible for our own decisions and our own lives.I'm not fond of the victim attitude.

Repeat after me:

"I'm sorry. I can't manage that""

"Held hostage" implies an adult has 0 choice in the matter and are forced to comply.

I haven’t seen my DGC in person since October. FaceTime is great, but not the same as feeling the hugs, the excitement, the love. I’d love to be held hostage by an abundance of babysitting duties

I am sure that DGC are often used to "blackmail" GPs into complying with baby/child minding requests. I have watched this go on for the whole time I have been a grandparent. I did all sorts of things like going out in the middle of the night ie. 2AM to babysit I have had DGC for several days while also dealing with elderly relatives. No matter what I tried to fit it all in and I did enjoy my time with all the grandchildren.
When a time came that I asked for help with something checking that it did not interfere with anyone's working time I was just ignored and left to deal with it myself. I dealt with it myself and learned that I was a capable person so the next request/demand/threat to have me do childminding was met with a NO I cant do that I am still not feeling well after the thing I had asked for help with and was left to do it alone.
I have not seen or heard from them since. I am doing fine. I am coping with all sorts of things now that I did not have time for before. I am not as stupid or as incapable as they told me I was.
It is sad that I don't see DGC

We live in the same village as my DS and family. The 2 GCs (now 8 & 10) are dropped off at 7.45, we give them breakfast, walk them to school, collect and keep them until 6pm every school day. They have their main meal with their parents so no extra cooking for us. We've done this since they started school and never feel put upon. They never ask us to babysit (they like to do things as a family). I enjoy every minute I spend with my GCs, although others in the family can't understand it. They all lived with us for two years when the youngest GD was born so the bonds are very strong.
I believe the loving influence I can give to my GCs lives is the best gift I can give them.

It depends on the adult child and how adult they are in dealing with 'No'.
If they are not adult enough then the Estrangement thread is where we end up.

My grandchildren live 50 and 140 miles away. I see them on Facetime so that they remember me. Last weekend we were altogether for an afternoon. It was wonderful x
My daughters in laws live nearby both. One set looks after GD on Monday and Tuesday, been a nightmare for DD for 5 months looking after her while M&D work from home.

Lucky four I did the same with the first one dropped my hours to suit dil and then one day she packed her job in to Be a stay at home mum fourteen years later she’s still that! I was hurt and I didn’t forget that either. It took me two years back at my workplace to retrieve my hours I’d given up.

I wrk in childcare and see tired grandparents picking kids up on a Friday having them overnight so the parents can have some ‘ me time’ I’ve also got a friend with grandkids and she’s tired out desperately wanting a weekend to herself. I’m ok I’ve four grandkids and see them when it’s acceptable on both sides and don’t get Put on and I love my grandkids yes I do my bit but not overly!

I looked after my grandchildren while they were young. I babysat any time, collected them from school and gave them tea so that Mum could keep her job (not every day). I even reduced my hours at work to accommodate this. As they grew up I did less and at one point felt I had been just dropped with no explanation, and was very hurt by that. I'm just saying we should be careful not to become a doormat which gets carelessly thrown away when not required. We never fell out about it but I haven't forgotten.

It could also be that a lot of grandparents are martyrs. They have their grandchildren and then moan like heck! Or, they took the job on and then found they didn't like it as much as they thought they would. Personally, I think there is too much pressure for both parents to work with childcare being so expensive and that makes it difficult for everybody involved. The one thing I've seen in lockdown (amongst all the doom and gloom about mental health) is that for a lot of parent, it has been the first time in a long time they have had time to spend a long period of quality time with their kids. I expect many wish they could do that all the time rather than sending them to grandparents.
I've looked after my grandson and there have been moments when I have felt 'used and abused' but that is normally when I have chosen to go with the flow rather than tackling any issues. It takes compromise and respect on both sides to make it work and if your children can't do that, you probably have to ask yourself why not.

I look after my GS for two days a week, travelling 80 miles each way up and down the motorway. I offered that childcare because I wanted to build a relationship with him that occasional family visits may not have offered. It is exhausting but I love it. It wasn’t expected and if my DD and S-I-L take the opportunity to have a night out whilst I’m staying over I don’t mind, but if I was older, busier or it got too much then I would have to have a conversation with them and step back.

I have 4 GC, now ranging 15 to 21 years old. When the first one was born in 1999 I was asked if I would help with childcare, in conjunction with the other GPS whilst my DD returned to work for a year after her maternity leave had finished.

I was shift working so I could accommodate. Initially I didn't like being tied but then I put things into perspective for myself. Here I was with a daughter old enough to have a baby (she was 25) but where had that time gone since she was a baby. It would be the same for the GC - the time would fly and one day they would be independent and leading their own lives, and no longer calling on my time.

None of this is forever. The time will pass.

I see my grandchildren twice a week usually, once doing the school run; that's enough for me as the school is 15 miles away. Then I stay for tea/story/bedtime. I help out a bit more during school holidays but, if I had something to attend, I just say they will have to sort something else out and that's the way it is. I've cancelled things in the past for them but now I put myself first and they just have to put up with me not being available.

before my first grandchild was born I offered to care for her on my nights off to prevent the necessity for a nursery which would have been nearly all my dd's wages. I continued when second gc born and all through primary school. I worked two nights a week so my dd arranged her work to suit me. I went to all the school events and learned quite a lot in the process about various subjects. It was only a few years later when discussing something about gd's school that I realised how much my daughter was saddened about the things she had missed. Last year of primary for gs my dd went to Burns supper at school and the look on her face said it all, she had a great time, sil went to prizegiving fo gs where gs made his leaving speech thanking teachers etc for all they had done and for gran and granda for cooking his dinner every night. Sil loved it. I missed both these events but have no regrets (well maybe a little about the speech) but both parents experienced something they will never forget. Some of us forget how much the parents miss through no fault of their own, they are trying to build a happy home for their children

I, like most GP’s on here adore my GC and we have a wonderful bond. I’ve done my share of helping out and have always been happy to do so but, just sometimes we have to say no. My AD has never made me feel that it’s my duty to look after her little one’s either, but time spent with GC has brought immense joy to my life.
I have a friend who doesn’t have any children and she can’t understand why I would want to give up my time for them! She just doesn’t understand the love a mother has for her children. How can she?

I never expected any support or childcare, I asked for it on occasion (less than once a year) and was always denied. I'm estranged now, many other reasons than that, maybe that's not a big surprise lol

This all must be a really difficult thing to get right between parents and grandparents... Children who grow up in normal homes grow up knowing they can rely on their parents and that's a good thing but I expect it can become taking advantage later.

Is it deliberate? That's the question right? Is it deliberate taking advantage?

I would have thought that in normal healthy relationships that the word "no" should be allowed.

I think it would be a shame if it was a blanket "no" because I knkw how that feels but that's again personal choice and I don't think any grandparent is obligated to provide any kind of childcare or babysitting or support.

I do wonder if that's a good relationship though.

I have no idea what the perfect balance is