Parents/Grandparents Held Hostage

21.09 10.03 Gagajo ... thoroughly agree with your post.

Valerie F you don't speak from experience but you do seem to be aware of this situation maybe people you know? I do know from experience the emotions you feel becoming a grand parent.
I worked with my husband and we retired with little plans for our retirement. I was helping with grandchildren twelve hour shifts day after day with sons mother in law. It was both rewarding and exhausting I did it for over two years.

When our third grandchild arrived I wanted to support and help our daughter when her husband worked away.
The arragements had to change it was quite an emotional time. But as a grandparent and a wife you need to get the balance right to insure everyone gets a bit of your time. Now I help with all grandchildren when I can but not on a strict timetable. I don't want a timetable to rule our life.

What op is describing is dysfunctional families. That's what those scenarios are. Too much expectation & demand on other caregivers to look after children & those who don't see them at all, two unhealthy extremes isn't it?

fatgran57

GagaJo were you as devoted to your daughter - the mother of your grandson, when she was a baby?

I often wonder when reading about some grandparents almost obsessive interest in their grandchildren, were their parents the same with the grandchildren or is this interest and desire to spend so much time with grandchildren a new thing for our generation.

It's not new at all. And it's not obsessive. My grandparents in the 1960s and 70s were just as devoted to me as I am to my grandson. They were wonderful and I have heart warming memories of them 45 years after my grandmother's death.

Just because you don't feel that way, don't try to paint those of us that do as abnormal.

I agree with you..... my sister and I spent 7 years doing 24 hour care for under 5s. We did a laundry of piles of it all night. Dishes stacked in sink with food still on them. Cleaning.... you name it we did it. Now they have cleaners coming in twice a week.... thank God for that

Cath
This is one huge positive I see coming from Covid... young parents now working from home are appreciating spending more time with the little ones and also realizing what they were missing when they had to be out at work all day 5 days a week

Referring to post from Crimpdhalo there

I know that feeling!
Before I became a grandmother myself I was often let down by a close friend who was at the back & call of her daughter's childcare requests.
I always felt it was too much for her as she had zero time to herself.
Now I am as doting a grandmother as you could meet and I have my little grandson 2 days a week while his parents work. I couldn't imagine life without having him now ( lockdown was very difficult) but when he goes home on the second day I sink my aching back into the bath, light my candles and look forward to the next 5 days.
It's hard work no matter how much you love them.
By day 4 I'm missing him and eager to have him back.
For me at 66 with some health issues 2 days are as much as I feel able to do & thankfully my son and his wife are delighted & hugely appreciative of how much I do.
Every family has it's own dynamic.
I think the most important thing is that children are getting good care & feel loved

When I moved into the Granny flat when DGS was born a lot of my friends (not Grandparents) told me I would be 'used'.

Not the case, I chose to move here, it was only at the beginning of lockdown that DD started working outside the home.

She and I with SILs diary sit down at the beginning of each month and check dates DGS and I do a lot together and sometimes that conflicts with DDs dates so we work around it.
I had problems with SIL a couple of years after I moved here, not using me, but being jealous as his Mother died many years ago and he was upset that I was with DGS and she is not.
All sorted out now, he can still be difficult but that's just him and not aimed at me.
I still get remarks from non-grandparent friends but I put that down more to a touch of the green eyes when they see how much fun I have than anything else.

GagaJo were you as devoted to your daughter - the mother of your grandson, when she was a baby?

I often wonder when reading about some grandparents almost obsessive interest in their grandchildren, were their parents the same with the grandchildren or is this interest and desire to spend so much time with grandchildren a new thing for our generation.

My point is I wish I could be that perfect grandparent. The reason not is because I can't afford not to work.

I'd drop everything and be granny at beck and call if I could. He'll be little for 5 minutes and instead I'm in a different country. Time wasted.

This is one of those issue where there is no diffinitive answer. Like the op, we too have heard complaints from gps who have found themselves giving more care than they originally planned. Not always because their dc are intentionally using them but because lives change. The dd who only worked 2 days a week but is now working full time because husband left her. The grandparents happily doing 3 days a week for one dc when the other becomes pregnant and asks for the same. The grandparents who eagerly offer full time child care at the start then 3 dgc down the line realize that this is for a longer period than anticipated and that their anticipated retirement plans are now indefinitely on hold ect ect.

We and most of our friends are grandparents and these issues are discussed from time to time. From what I have seen amongst my own aquaintances, it is the grandparents who do childcare part time who are most content in their role. Time with dgc, helping out their children, but having time for their own interests. My own sister and her husband was quite happy doing childcare 3 days a week. When their dd decided to go back to work full time they were honest about where they stood. They would continue to do their 3 days but no more. They needed the other days for rest, recuperation and doing their own thing. This was accepted and I think they are more appreciated than if they were 'on tap'. As ds said, it is easier to draw a proper line in the beginning than withdraw the help later if it all becomes too much. They are devoted to their dgc but have left some space for time as a couple and for individual interests as well.

GagaJo Obviously my initial question wasn't directed to you. All credit to you. I was more aiming at people who felt obliged to look after their grandchildren when they wanted a life of their own. The ones who's children expected the grandparents there to be an extension of themselves no matter what the grandparents had planned. Who seem to think grandparents have finished their lives and all they are there for is to look after the second generation?

Gransnet is apparently full of the 'perfect' grandparents, who devote all their time to grandchildren. (yeah right lol)

We feel the same, Gagajo.

However, we do not allow my DS and DIL to use us and will say if we can't manage and have plans.

sparklingsilver28

I have known plenty of women who lived live through their children and grandchildren. Personally, I cannot think of any more boring. Children should live their own life and proved for themselves including arranging childcare when needed. And certainly not expecting grandparents to be on call 24/7. Parents are responsible for their own children and should understand that before having them.

That may be your experience. I DO live for my grandson, despite having an international career and working in a range of countries (5 to date). I would give anything to be able to see him daily.

You may think it's sad. I think family are what life is about. Great Wall of China, Swiss Alps, White House. They are just places. I'd rather read a book to my grandson or play Lego with him.

No such thing as too much of my grandson. I would happily care for him full-time if his mum was at work. That boy is the joy of my life.

Apologies for not coming back sooner. Have been busy working.

I am neither a journalist or looking to upset anyone. My question was purely because some of my dear friends seem to be in fact 'held hostage' by their children to look after their children! They tell me, they just have to do it or their children will sulk! All of them love their grandchildren to bits but also want a life of their own, which is what their adult children don't seem to appreciate.

I was just wondering if it was the norm?

Obviously not for many of you here, which is great. It is not a situation I would ever see myself in either.

What got me thinking...was just HOW many grandparents were being asked to look after grandchildren when it affected their own lives and plans now they have retired? And if they felt 'obliged' more than wanting to do it!

Interesting reading though.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It seems to me that the only people 'held hostage' are doormats that find it hard to defend themselves.

If you make yourself too available, others will take advantage. I'm here for emergencies and occasional babysitting. I'll have some grandchildren in the holidays too.

Otherwise, I'm happily busy doing my own stuff - they're not my kids!

I sat my daughter down and made an arrangement of how often I would have DGD which stopped her taking advantage of me.
My late MIL informed me she was there for emergency use only when I was pregnant. People need to talk and discuss what they are prepared to do before resentment builds up.

Excellent advice Calligrandma.

Well we haven't been allowed time on our own with our grandson because of our sons partner and her mother who.moved in with them. How I wish we had the problem of being needed often. However I have a friend whose daughter bullies her to.have her two granddaughters.

Very good post Calligrandma

We teach people how to treat us. I would start with making your own plans and then just letting them know you are going to busy on these days. This will give them a chance to make other arrangements and will show them that you are planning on managing your time more for yourself. If you have committed to looking after grandchildren for years, then you can say you are going to change your schedule in 6 months ( or some reasonable flexible time) and no longer able to watch them monday to friday or whatever fixed period you have. Understand you do not have to defend your actions. Your actions are just factual, not emotional. Therefore if emotion is thrown back you just say the same thing. You are adjusting your life schedule and as of x date you are only available once a week, or once a month, or whatever YOU have decided. Every time they throw it back (guilt) you just repeat the same thing. If you change what you say, it means you are negotiable so its extremely important you just factually state what you are able to do. As a 6o year old grandma, I can only do one half day a week. No overnights. It's just too difficult for me. So, it is okay to say what you can do, and what you can no longer do. Try practicing your dialog before you speak with them. Keep it very short. Say, i have so enjoyed watching the grandchildren. (no buts) I love them dearly. I am going to have to change our arrangements. I'm getting older and I need more rest time. This is what I am suggesting. Then you tell them what you are willing to do, and when it will change. - It's a positive way of speaking to them without being defensive (you shouldn't have to be) and they are grown ups, they can figure it out. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Make some plans! You earned it!

I have known plenty of women who lived live through their children and grandchildren. Personally, I cannot think of any more boring. Children should live their own life and proved for themselves including arranging childcare when needed. And certainly not expecting grandparents to be on call 24/7. Parents are responsible for their own children and should understand that before having them.