AIBU Daughter in Law issues

It’s curious you posted in AIBU and headed it daughter in law issues.
This baby is three weeks old. Most grandparents are so besotted they ooo and aaa over the baby and arrive with casserole, easy to eat foods, and other useful goodies. The idea of separating the baby from her mum at this early stage is not on the agenda.. washing up, taking a pile of washing home to be safely delivered back clean and dry at a convenient time etc.
It sounds as tho this young couple have a little anxiety about relationships. Don’t add to that

To everyone asking what happened between me and middle dil

-she wanted me to change the dates on which we celebrate holidays so her and my son could visit her family on the actual holiday and then we celebrate with our paternal family on a different day

Lied to my son and told her I was enjoying the baby shower and when middle daughter in law never gave me a date or time so I couldn’t be there

She had stated clearly that she didn’t want anyone in the delivery room or waiting room or home for 2 weeks. Nobody was allowed to take pictures. I see on Facebook her mother and sister along with my son were there and her entire family visited in the waiting room and friends were visiting at her home.

Got upset when she had been eyeing a holiday outfit for my grandson and bought it for her as a surprise and had the gift receipt just in case she didn’t like it. Went off on me and told her that I’m trying to steal her firsts and that I wasn’t allowed to buy gifts for him.

I have three other grandchildren oldest daughter in law doesn’t care if her two get kisses. Accidentally kissed grandson out of habit and apologized immediately. So now I’m not allowed access to him

Chewbacca

The statement you copied and pasted is very vague

It is very unclear who initiated the conversation, how it came up, etc.

Good point Redkettle, it concerns OP's son as much as DIL.

How did you get onto that topic?

In the OP Deborahrose says Her mother and I are over for a visit and we get onto the topic of what her childcare plans are when she decides to return back to work.

I can only say that I agree wholeheartedly with the previous posters. Smile nicely and say nothing. If her mother wishes to make comment, stay out of it. She is unlikely to fall out with her own mother for long but, you are a different matter.
You have a good relationship with this young couple and you now have a wonderful new grandchild to love. Don't rock the boat and I'm sure everything will work out just fine

May I ask a question? I hope I don't come off rude...

I notice that in your title you've mentioned this is a daughter-in-law issue. Is this not also a "son issue" if he feels the same?

I'm glad you were able to get a visit in these most uncertain times! That's lucky.

How did you get onto that topic?

The little newborn has been here 3 weeks, why is everyone discussing playing pass the baby?

I think the parents felt on the spot, aren't ready to even think about childcare and have gotten understandably flustered and defensive.

What happened with middle DIL that may have raised concerns?

Their baby, their rules. Wait until you are asked for help, only give advice when asked for and let them raise their tiny baby their way and you may find things improve

Look at the long term Deborahrose, not the immediacy

Good advice from Chewbacca

Pantglas2

As you chose what to do with your own children, they get to do it their way as well.

State clearly that you are happy to help ‘when asked’ and leave it until they do so.

?
This. Their baby, their rules. And there's a chance that if you stand back, be patient, and do as they ask, they'll let you do more. Push too hard now and the chances are that you'll get very little. Look at the long term Deborahrose, not the immediacy.

Also want to caution you against using your background (RN) to your advantage.
It may not make any difference for some parents on their decision making for their baby

It was a bit of a Spanish Inquisition wasn't it? I would have been too busy going OoohAhh to get into all that heavy stuff.

I think you put them on the defensive between you. Made them feel like it was an exam?

I think I'd confine myself to enjoying the new baby and telling them what a good job their doing. ?

I would let the parents bring up very sensitive subjects such as childcare, overnight visits, etc., and then discuss them with you.

You truly do not want to make it sound like you are setting up a custody agreement.

I know you mean well but it might looks like you are pressuring them to make decisions on subjects they are not ready or it's not their priority right now.

Enjoy the visits and let the relationship develop organically.

I would caution you to avoid mixing the issues you have with your middle dil and the rest of the family.
If your son and young dil choose to listen to her and have a relationship with her, it is their prerogative.

What happened that with your middle dil that you dont talk now?

I agree with Pantglas. It is entirely up to them. I think it is sad, and rather strange that they seem so fearful but in the end they are making decisions which they feel are right for them and their baby. I wonder what the reason for those fears are? What has caused them to even think about these possibilities?

If they wish to speak to/discuss with/ask advice from the DIL you are estranged from so be it. That is also up to them.

Tell them you are happy to help anytime, then just wait.

I think you will find it’s up to them and refreshing in a way that they are not asking for childcare because generally that is the expectation, certainly here in the UK where we don’t really have grandparents rights.
You clearly have a good relationship with them. Don’t argue or debate it, the baby is very young, they need space and time. What did her mother think?

I think its their choice and you need to respect it .Be happy to see the baby when the parents are there and look forward to maybe being allowed longer visits as baby gets older .Avove all dont criticise the way the want to raise their child .

I don't think it's absurd at all.
It all sounds reasonable to me, and of course, things may change over time.

As you chose what to do with your own children, they get to do it their way as well.

State clearly that you are happy to help ‘when asked’ and leave it until they do so.