Granddaughter not showing any acknowledgment nor volunteering help

BlueBelle - Oh gosh how I hate to hear the make her do this make her do that old school discipline blah blah blah

Another soft touch or is it simply cannot be bothered. The result of which all too glaringly obvious.

Once again a lot of GN posters jumping in without knowing all the facts. You have no idea what this 16 year old is going through. She may just need some time to adjust or she may have much deeper problems. I agree with BlueBelle this "old school discipline" isn't a good thing. It's especially interesting that there was a thread where teachers using "old school discipline" were blamed for causing harm and trauma, but apparently when GP do it, it's OK!!!

Seems to me the best thing would be to sit down and have a chat with her. Listen to her carefully, treat her as the age she is. Tell her you would appreciate some help and discuss what she could do that you would find helpful.

But all of that done within the context of any difficulties that she is dealing with at the moment, if it is the case that she is. On that, only you can decide what is best.

Bluebelle All good points if lockdown is the reason

Bluerinse. If you see the headlines this week. Hoards of university students with no food or toilet paper. Strike while the iron is hot. Have her tidy her own room and cook a meal from scratch half the week. Plus doing her own washing ,ironing etc. There are good cook books in the shops for students on a low budget. It can only be beneficial for her in the long term. Uni doms dont look after them. Learning how to make a meal from very little is a lesson my mother taught me

Agree with Bluebell, so many posters here seem to relish the idea of a fight, show her who's boss, let her starve etc... Blimey O'Reilly... I want to remain a friend to my grandchildren, help them grow into kind and confident adults. As with toddlers, teenagers respond to gentle encouragement. If you smash into them head on don't be surprised if they have a melt down. The way to go is to help them be nice. A neutral setting is great for a chat about what she likes to eat, With a suggestion that perhaps she could help you make whatever it is occasionally. An appeal that you'd be grateful if she could help your older bones by doing xyz would be so much better for her self esteem than blatant threats and bossy rules... What teenager (or 60 plus year old in my case) likes being told what to do in a confrontational way? If she feels helpful and valued and like she's not a burden but is treasured I'm sure she will be a happier and nicer person to live with.

You can't demand that the young woman does as you ask. However you would be doing her a favour if you calmly point out what people sharing a living space normally do.

Ditto to what LadyBella said. Your situation is different but I am sure she is surrounded by love and help.

My two daughters had to adapt as I was a lone parent with no family living near me. Very unwillingly they followed a plan for each week that involved the helping around the house, sometimes cooking evening meals and washing up.

At the moment my Granddaughter of 13 is putting her parents through it. She's a wonderful girl but is living on her own planet, completely detached from anything around the house as boring as dishes and cleaning.

I agree with Hithere and eazybee.
Your granddaughter might feel more part of the family if she was on a chores rota and helped choose and shop for your food. When at Uni, the same will probably be expected..?
All the best with it.

Have you ever sat down and discussed this with her? 16 year olds can be awkward, but treat them as equals and explain how much extra work you have to do and the problems of you all adjusting to each other and changing your diet and they often prove to be surprisingly co-operative.

You could then discuss little bits of help she could help you and possibly you could suggest that at weekends she helps in the kitchen. If she is heading for university, one of the best skills she can take with her is the ability to cook simple cheap nutritious meals.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

All though hormones might be at play .
There is no excuse for this behaviour
It doesn't make it right or acceptable.
How fortunate we are is all I can say .

This thread has just reminded me of a family I once knew who were having problems with their 2 teenage children and mealtimes (Not coming on time, refusing to eat, demanding something different etc). The wife was a teacher colleague, the husband an Educational psychologist. There was a theory at the time that families restricted children's development. Hubby bought in to this theory and suggested they allow the children their freedom. They would be provided with food they liked in their own sections of the kitchen. They were then free to eat when they liked, whilst mum and dad would eat together. By the end of the third day children had eaten most of their food and were appearing at the table asking "What are you having?". By the end of the week they were back to family meals.

Gosh I must be soft. I think this young lady will respond better to love, humour and encouragement. If she is calm, no tantrums, no disappearing till 4 in the morning, let her settle in. If the OP takes much of the above advice, it will create a combative atmosphere. 16, Covid, schoolwork, living away from home. I’d sit down with her when she comes home form school, make her a hot chocolate, model kindness and graciousness. Say, “let’s make the meal together” etc. Remember you catch more flies with honey and vinegar.

I think this young lady will respond better to love, humour and encouragement. If she is calm, no tantrums, no disappearing till 4 in the morning, let her settle in

I think so too.
Leave her be in the week, perhaps encourage her to join you in a couple of chores at weekends, cheerfully and not as an order.

Good luck.
Teenagers can be very tricky.

Honey than vinegar

Could you say after a meal 'Gosh I am tired today.Would you mind doing the dishes ? I really must sit down' and assuming she does it , thank her and then repeat with other requests on other days.

Bluebelle, I don't see anyone suggesting 'old school' discipline to the problem, but at the same time I wouldn't suggest she sit around and be waited on hand and foot.
No - we don't know the in's and out's of why she's living with her Gparents, but I've been in that situation myself having had a Gchild in the household right in the middle of her (what were then) her O levels.
I do think you should take into account the impossibility of "sitting someone down" and discussing it - you can't expect a teenager to sit in a chair and listen to to a lecture on 'us all pulling together' and 'sharing'. Have you ever tried?
(actually I haven't - but I once tried with my husband as the listener - it didn't work). I just feel a softly softly approach might work - she could make the odd cup of tea for her GM surely?

My 24 year old son works in a childrens home. He has recently told me I didnt make him
and his brothers help around the house enough! He is right!

My Granddaughter was much the same at 16, she is 19 now, she lives with me, her Nana, and I love her being here, such a lovely friend. There is hope yet xx

My daughrer at 16... left every light on, showered for hours, watched rubbish till late into night, picked over her food, sighed a lot and looked at me as though I were from a different planet. She is in her 30s now. A deputy sister of a hospital department. Loving. Kind. Thoughtful. Tidy. Wise with money. She's had her wedding cancelled through Covid-19 but remains pragmatic and cheerful.
Your GD is fine. Really, really normal behaviour.

NotTooOld is spot on.
But i find more and more that the youth of today are selfish beyond belief and i blame the parents who indulge them for a quiet life.

We have to remember that different ages have different priorities

Ask a 16 year old and most probably a sitdown family dinner is not on her list at all
Studying, getting homework done, seeing her friends, etc - those are more age related

Different ages, different steps of life. None are wrong.

I see no reason why this is "normal" behavior. It's only become normal because we've allowed it. I guarantee all teens have had hormones and weren't allowed to behave this way. I was taught the utmost respect for grandparents, and would never have been rude to them. I ate what they served and did what they asked, and thought myself lucky. We now live in a child centric society which kowtows to the temperamental whims of children. That only makes things worse. Love her, guide her, fix something she likes sometimes, but do not change your diet for her. You're doing plenty and don't put up with any crap. You don't owe her anything. Quite the opposite, she owes you love, respect, and cooperation. She's busy. She needs to plan better.

I think you should set a few ground rules.that she keeps her bedroom tidy .if not just shut the door and let her get on with it.maybe suggest that it would be nice if she helped around the home..but most 16 yrcolds do as they please.its up to you to set ground rules. Maybe ask hercwhat she would like for meals.