Gransnet forums


Looking after family

(40 Posts)
Aiden2 Wed 30-Sep-20 07:51:12

My daughter in law and my 2 much loved grandchildren have moved in with us full time . Our son is working still in Africa . My daughter in law is not working yet . I would love them to give say 400 pounds a month to help with all the extra bills They refuse what do I do

vegansrock Wed 30-Sep-20 07:53:16

Why have they moved in with you? Is it because they are hard up? Is it an emergency.? Surely this is a conversation that should have come earlier.

tanith Wed 30-Sep-20 07:57:59

I’m puzzled as to what ‘all the extra bills’ are? Surely if they living with you now they would now be less?

NannyJan53 Wed 30-Sep-20 07:59:47

They refuse? As vegansrock said, this is a conversation that should have been made before they moved in. Surely they will at least contribute to the food bill?

Lucca Wed 30-Sep-20 08:23:58

Not enough background information.
If you can afford to house them and as you say you love the grandchildren.......why complain?

sodapop Wed 30-Sep-20 08:42:58

More information needed here please. Why have your family moved in with you ? How do you arrive at £400 pm seems a bit steep although I agree they should contribute towards living expenses and help with housework etc.

OceanMama Wed 30-Sep-20 09:00:50

100 pounds a week for three people, assuming that covers rent, power, water, internet, food, use of appliances, etc, is a pretty good deal. Yes, this should have been agreed before they moved in. If they won't contribute you have a choice to either tell them they need to contribute or need to move out. What is the objection or barrier to the payment? Is there room for them to negotiate?

eazybee Wed 30-Sep-20 09:33:03

No one, whoever much she loves her family, should be expected to support them like this. They should be contributing to food bills, at the very least. What were they living on before?

GillT57 Wed 30-Sep-20 10:06:43

Whatever the reason for them moving in with you, they need to contribute to the extra costs involved. Apart from the obvious things like food, there are increased fuel costs due to additional showers, washing machine, dishwasher etc. If your son is working in Africa, surely he is not leaving his family penniless?

tanith Wed 30-Sep-20 10:17:52

I’m sorry I misread your post pls ignore my questions .😳

Toadinthehole Wed 30-Sep-20 15:07:37

How was this not discussed before they moved in? Why did they move in? Not sure what you can do now. Does your DIL think she shouldn’t be paying at all, or it’s too much? Why can’t your son send the money? Presumably, he’s no house of his own to pay for. I think we need more info.

Hithere Wed 30-Sep-20 15:37:36

What was the agreement before moving in?

Furret Wed 30-Sep-20 15:54:49

Take it up with your son.

Doodledog Wed 30-Sep-20 16:23:09

I agree with the others that there is not enough information to know what to think. How old are the children? Does your son send them any money, or does he expect you to support his family? Are there cultural expectations at play?

You say that your DIL 'is not working yet', which suggests that she is looking for work. Who will look after the children when she finds work, or are they old enough to look after themselves?

MawB2 Wed 30-Sep-20 19:18:52

You do need to discuss a family budget while they are with you, for food, extra electricity etc.
Do have any means of support or are they also dependent on you?

red1 Thu 01-Oct-20 09:56:25

they are behaving like children,would you expect to live with someone for free? It depends on their situation, have you had a talk about that?

Aepgirl Thu 01-Oct-20 10:04:58

Are they not paying you anything? Nobody can live anywhere (except the streets) on nothing. Of course they should pay something. Are you providing food, toiletries, etc?

donna1964 Thu 01-Oct-20 10:19:59

As everyone else has said this situation should have been discussed before they moved in. Your son (in Africa) is earning a wage...what is he doing with the money?? You have made it harder for yourself if nothing was put in place before your Daughter in law & grandchildren moved in. Maybe they have assumed because of this all was ok. More information would be better given to us so as we can help ana advise you more. x

Sugarpufffairy Thu 01-Oct-20 10:23:23

What chancers! Why do they have to stay with you while the husband and father is working away? Do son and DiL have a house? What ages are the DGC?
This is a total imposition on your good nature. Them not paying their way is further proof of them taking the P.

Pippa22 Thu 01-Oct-20 10:25:21

Have your daughter in law and grandchildren recently arrived from Africa and your son has stayed there to work ?

Is the expectation that your son will return when the wife is established here and has a job ? Or, have they split up and she has come here leaving her husband there permanently? Aiden2 as others have said there is too little information for us to really be able to comment but circumstances would be very different if he had a well paid job in Africa and was supporting his family as opposed to if she and the children had arrived and just have benefits to live on. Either way if you are having the family in your house you are entitled to ask for enough money to cover them being with you.

grandtanteJE65 Thu 01-Oct-20 10:45:30

This is a very difficult situation. Whatever you do now, is likely to lead to hard feelings, so ask yourself if you can afford to pay the extra food, heating, electricity and water bills to keep on good terms with the family?

Could you perhaps compromise on a lesser amount?

If your daughter in law is earning, or on social security she really ought to be paying her and the children's expenses.

If she has no income, then things are slightly different.

Have you discussed this with your son, or only with your daughter-in-law?

If you are an OAP as I am, you probably can't afford very much extra. You could perhaps suggest that your daughter-in-law buys dinner and cooks it one day a week. She will then realise what food costs in the UK, although I have no idea how the prices compare with whichever part of Africa she has been living in.

I hope you manage to sort something out without too many hard feelings.

notnecessarilywiser Thu 01-Oct-20 10:50:04

As PP have said, the issue should have been discussed before they moved in. Of course you should not be significantly out of pocket by having them in your house. Now that they've refused to pay the £400 you proposed, your only option seems to be to ask them what they think would be a reasonable/affordable amount and negotiate from there.

Whilst you're having that conversation, it would be a good idea to determine just how long they plan to stay. Your son should be included in the discussions, if at all possible.

Chewbacca Thu 01-Oct-20 10:54:58

Now that they've refused to pay the £400 you proposed, your only option seems to be to ask them what they think would be a reasonable/affordable amount and negotiate from there.

This would seem to be the best way forward now. I'm sorry you've been put in this position Aiden2, you must feel that your kind offer of help has rather been taken advantage of. But please make sure that your son is included in all negotiations; the welfare of his wife and children are his responsibility, even if he is in Africa.

19Maria61 Thu 01-Oct-20 12:06:51

Hi Aiden2
Your question isn’t really clear enough for anyone to say wether it’s right or wrong for them to contribute. Why have they moved in with you and what income is your dinl receiving. Maybe you could clarify.

ss1024 Thu 01-Oct-20 12:16:36

Since you seem to be on a limited budget, perhaps you can simply ask if they con contribute some money to help out with the extra food and utility expenses and let them offer an amount.