This is not ok

BlueBelle

*We phoned the police but because of age they couldn’t take it further.*
I think you need to Complain to the police big time because a boy if 14 is not absolved of rape or sexual abuse just because they are under the age of 18 younger children than this boy have got Custodial sentences for this.....

You have done the right thing in just ignoring and blocking his mum but it sounds as if you have been given bad advice in the past

It was 20 years ago and my daughter would of had to testify at 5 so they decided against because of my daughter not him.

She was already scared and scarred from it all. Then having to relive it at a later date. CPS decided no.

She did have counselling/therapy for awhile afterwards Which helped and we used therapy as she was growing up.

I totally agree with what morethan2 and MOnica said in their posts .

I am with the OP, this woman's message suggests she has no idea of the enormity of what her son did.

Yes, it may not be her fault he behaved as he did. I can accept also that what he did was when he was a young teenager and perhaps confused or even mentally ill at the time and he now deeply regrets it.

BUT

whatever the reasons for the offence, surely anyone with even a small fingernails worth of empathy and understanding in their body would know that after an event like that, those affected by the crime are highly unlikely ever to want to see or hear of this boy or his family ever again. Most of all one expects the boy and his family would understand this.

This woman's message to the OP and daughter is crass and ignorant and possibly goes someway to explain the boys behaviour. He lives in a household with no proper understanding of the boundaries that should exist between people on social and sexual levels.

We phoned the police but because of age they couldn’t take it further.
I think you need to Complain to the police big time because a boy if 14 is not absolved of rape or sexual abuse just because they are under the age of 18 younger children than this boy have got Custodial sentences for this.....

You have done the right thing in just ignoring and blocking his mum but it sounds as if you have been given bad advice in the past

I get this, I get your anger and disgust. I’d be spitting feathers and swearing like a trooper in your position. It’s opened up a worse than horrible box of memories for you and your daughter. I just hope writing it down has been cathartic (writing it down always helps me) please, please try your best to close these memories away if you can. Not easy I know. It’s awful that we have to live with with the horrors we’ve experienced in our head, that the pain of our past can come back and haunt us like this. I’m sending you a virtual (((hug))) because there’s nothing else I can do to elevate your pain. I wish there was.

New to gransnet not Mumsnet and thank you.

Facebook is set to private as far as I’m aware But your profile pic isn’t that’s general public and she would of found me through my other children that don’t have privacy settings as such.

Also anyone can message you on messenger it goes into the other folder.

I was astounded by her message as if everything was ok after the crap she and her son put us through.

She was in denial. Couldn’t of been her lad. It was, I caught him and by god I had to refrain myself to not kill him.

We phoned the police but because of age they couldn’t Take it further.

Yes he should of got help but it still didn’t absolve him or his mother. He was 14 not another curious 5 years old.

She’s now blocked

This shocked us and disgusted us in the same time.

Like others I'm confused by this.
All I can say is that Facebook might sometimes be a helpful resource but I wouldn't touch it.
It's also a source of bitter words and hurtful family break-ups. What's printed on there can't be changed

Unless you activate privacy settings on Facebook your page and friends can be seen by anyone

pollydollylolly I haven't seen you post before so, if you are new, welcome.

Must confess to be a bit confused here. I can't look at people's Facebook pages, unless I'm "connected" to them, i.e. have agreed to be "friends" on Facebook.

And as mentioned upstream, when I do get friend requests, there is no message attached, so perhaps when the OP said she got one with "hello old mate" she might have different settings?

If so, I'd love to know what they are, as I get requests from people who if they attached a message I might have more of an idea wether to accept them or not!

Dear polly dolly lolly. I would be furious. Some people can be forgiven but not rehabilitated. If it was me I would discreetly block this person. It opens the door to yr DD memories being resurfaced, if she is aware who this woman is or was. The old friend in question may well have memory loss and forgotten the incident, although, I doubt your D has

No, I’m saying that it’s not a crime of childhood.

You get your 14 year old help. You don’t just ignore it. If you do get them help and move on, you don’t try to keep in touch with those who have been hurt without their permission. Especially where it seems there has been no apology. Especially not many years later!

I would also expect to lose friends if my child abused their child.

Bluebelle, the OP says her child was abused. She then cut out her friend. That’s what I responded to with “block and delete”.

There was no anger. I’m not sure where you got that? Unless you think not staying friends with someone whose teenager is being angry?

So Summerlove are you saying if your 14 year old son abused a child you would have nothing more to do with him?

We don’t know this story and we can’t be helpful Summerlove there is absolute nothing in the original post that can give the true picture and anger on here won’t help
I didn’t even know there was such a word as ‘weirded out‘

dollywollypolly delete the lady from Fb and don’t look at her page that ll just get you going again Presumably the police were involved and hopefully the boy has not been near your daughter since

lemsip

just block her! no need for foul language!

Erm, Lemsip the friend request (as I understand it) didn't involve foul language?

Oh, it is a difficult one, Dollypollylolly, although the friend requests that I have had on Facebook don't have a message attached, they are just literally an email saying that so and so has sent you a friend request? Perhaps you have different settings?

So, how about accepting, which (as I understand it) would mean that you could contact her via Messenger and have a private conversation?

just block her! no need for foul language!

mumofmadboys

I would hope a mum would never abandon her son for a crime he did in his youth. Love the person, hate the crime.

He abused a child

It’s not a “crime of youth”. It’s abuse.

OP, just block and delete her. No need to say anything to her.

I would hope a mum would never abandon her son for a crime he did in his youth. Love the person, hate the crime.

I agree with Phoenix. Your ex friend did nothing wrong. It was her son. It wasnt the friend's fault. Perhaps she is sad and upset over the whole thing and wants to bring some forgiveness and resolution to the situation. Only you can decide whether to respond to her.I am so sorry your DD was abused.

No she didn’t apologise nowt like that.

Just hello old mate. Like it’s been eons let’s be friends again. Eh no?

I had a wee look on her FB page and she’s got her son listed as a friend. So I’d assume they are in touch still.

Dollypollylolly perhaps she is trying to heal things a bit, it was her son that abused your daughter, which is dreadful, but it wasn't her.

Did she contact you at the time and say how sorry she was that it happened?

No, Dollypollylolly not at all, and I completely agree that the Facebook post was unacceptable.

I truly was just trying to point out that some people on here might find the language unacceptable.

Seriously that’s what you’ve taken from my post my swearing

They're all out today