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(24 Posts)
Nanderin Fri 02-Oct-20 19:25:26

Hi I suffer very badly from anxiety depression and stress I also have OCD. All made much worse since covid. My husband brother died last week after contracting covid, also his wife and other brother and his wife too they are okay. The funeral is next week and I don't want my husband to go. He's in his 70s. There will be a lot of people there so I am very concerned. We havnt been anywhere since march.
Please be kind.

midgey Fri 02-Oct-20 19:31:06

You can do this, for your husbands sake. flowers

Bibbity Fri 02-Oct-20 19:32:09

I completely understand and sympathise with your mental health struggles.
I won’t say you are unreasonable because you don’t have a choice in the thoughts you’re having or the fear you feel.

However. If your husband feels that he needs to go for his grief then he is not being unreasonable and I would think what long term effect causing an argument over this could have on him.
Think of easy ways that the risks could be reduced.
Mask wearing, social distancing, hand washing. Is the funeral outside? Those all massively reduce the risk of exposure.

Also I understand that services have been stripped but have you looked into things you can do at home to help your MH? Long term you and your DH can not be slaves to this.

paddyanne Fri 02-Oct-20 19:36:21

numbers are restricted for funerals ,if he's not comfortable being inside the church maybe he could stand outside the door but still hear the service.I understand how you feel ,my OH has heart problems and I worry when he goes out ,but as long as he takes all the necessary precautions I'm sure he'll be safe .If he feels he needs to be at his brothers funeral I think you should support him .

Callistemon Fri 02-Oct-20 19:49:40

I think you need to let him make his own decision.
He will take all necessary precautions, I'm sure. The funeral directors will ensure that all rules are followed, too.
There will be a limit on numbers so only close family may go.

Nanderin Fri 02-Oct-20 20:18:54

There will be 30 there also I know people will turn up who can't go in. It is really worrying me.

bikergran Fri 02-Oct-20 20:57:53

Nanderin not sure where you are but in our area the Funeral directors provide a Link and a password to watch the Funeral live on a computer/tablet/laptop and I would think a phone. For people that cannot or do not want to attend the Funeral.

We have just done it with my mums funeral.

Grammaretto Fri 02-Oct-20 20:59:50

I would think a funeral is one of the safest places at the moment.
The numbers are kept low and people are able to distance.

DH will be fine. Try not to worry.

MrsRochester Fri 02-Oct-20 21:08:35

Completely understand because I would feel exactly the same way. I don’t suffer from anxiety but my husband is clinically vulnerable. Can’t offer much advice though, not knowing your husband’s personal circumstances.
Can only offer that if he’s in poor health, people who love him ought to understand if he decides it’s too much of a risk. I’m sure they will.

If your only concern is his age and he’s otherwise healthy, please try to stand back and be objective. I know that’s hard atm, but the vast majority of otherwise healthy 70 year olds who contract Covid make good recoveries.

NotTooOld Fri 02-Oct-20 21:12:34

Nanderin - I sympathise. We also have rarely been out since March and, like you, I would feel concerned about going to the funeral. However, the funeral directors will know what the rules are and will ensure they are followed. The service will be quite short and you can go straight home. Alternatively, if you cannot bring yourself to go in to the service, be there to see the coffin carried in and then leave. Others will understand.

Oopsminty Fri 02-Oct-20 21:17:34

Have you discussed it with your husband?

I totally understand your worry

As others have said, funerals are very well organised and it should be safe

SueDonim Fri 02-Oct-20 21:24:53

I’ve only attended one online funeral since lockdown but from what I saw, everything looked very safe. The people who attendEd in person were spaced well apart and the funeral directors/crematorium staff seemed to be very cautious in what they did.

I suppose it depends on how close your husband and his brother were, but wild horses would not have kept me away from my darling sister‘s funeral last year. I think if your Dh feels he needs to go then for the sake of his wellbeing, he should be allowed to.

lemsip Fri 02-Oct-20 21:45:47

my brother died in august, we live hundred miles apart, I was very upset but did not travel to the funeral! It would have been long train journey with two changes and on my own! I know my brother wouldn't have wanted me to risk my health. I went into my church by arrangement and lit a candle and prayed quietly for the time of his funeral.

harrigran Sat 03-Oct-20 09:08:06

I understand how you feel, these are very difficult times.
I have missed two family funerals, the first allowed only five mourners and the second could have thirty attend but was in Germany.

Bixiboo Sat 03-Oct-20 23:42:54

I’ve just been to my sisters funeral at the local crematorium. It was very well organised although numbers were limited to 15 as it’s a small crem. Social distancing measures were very much in force, masks had to be worn inside. It actually felt safer than going to the supermarket.

trustgone4sure Sun 04-Oct-20 12:10:52

Where i live there can only be 6 people that can attend a funeral.
So you may not be able to go anyway.
Sorry for your dh`s and your loss .

Oopsadaisy4 Sun 04-Oct-20 12:30:16

I sympathise, but I would go to support my DH.
I wouldn’t dream of letting him go alone.

Other posters have said how safe a funeral can be at the moment.

Sometimes we have to do what is best for others and not ourselves, this is one of those occasions.

boho43 Sun 04-Oct-20 12:42:49

We went to my husbands brothers funeral last week, & everyone wore masks & were careful as were the funeral directors .
Distance seating too. You could sit in a row on your own if you wanted to.
I was surprised though that two hymns were sung - obviously with people wearing masks.
We felt very safe.

Nanderin Sun 04-Oct-20 20:13:53

I am worrying because I know that 30 people can attend and also people have been told they can meet in the car park who aren't allowed in church. So I Know it's not going to be a few people.

Hetty58 Sun 04-Oct-20 20:27:10

Nanderin, you need to talk to your husband about this. He may well decide not to attend if he knows just how much anxiety it will create for you.

We are living in unprecedented times and conditions. Normal rules and conventions simply don't apply. Keeping safe and well is vitally important.

I'm sure that nobody will mind - and everybody will understand - if he doesn't go. Even in 'normal' times, attending funerals is optional. Some people never do!

52bright Sun 04-Oct-20 20:33:20

I am sorry for yours and your husband's loss. In the end I think you must make your own mind up about whether you feel it is safe for you to attend. However I do feel that your husband's decision is quite another matter. I personally wouldn't try to influence him in any way regarding his decision. A sibling's death can bring all sorts of emotions and deep grief and there is only one opportunity for your dh to attend the funeral. When that day has gone, he can't change his mind and replay the day another way and he may deeply regret not going and, even if he never says so, secretly blame you because he didn't go.

I would try to go to support him if you can. If you really can't I would encourage him to go alone if you can tell that that is what he really wants to do. The day is partly about saying goodbye but also in meeting with those who also loved his sibling. Even standing at a distance this does bring comfort. Best wishes flowers

Hetty58 Sun 04-Oct-20 21:04:33

I'm surprised by most of the comments. For Heaven's sake, we're in the middle of a deadly pandemic and no meetings are entirely safe.

People often 'forget', don't wear masks correctly and get too close. There is always a risk, however low. What is more important than protecting your health and life?

As I said, normal rules don't apply!

Nanderin Tue 06-Oct-20 14:14:27

Thank you Hetty58 for your reply . I know exactly what you mean people don't keep their distance and there will be people there who he hasn't seen for a long time. So it makes me very anxious.

Oopsadaisy4 Tue 06-Oct-20 14:22:41

Nanderin it doesn’t sound as though you will change your mind, I hope your husband agrees with you .