Mum taken into hospital

Oh poor man, such a simple thing, yet such an important thing for him to be able to reach his stick.Good job he had you to keep an eye out. Thank you Hetty I hadn’t thought about her being there for assessment purposes, it wasn’t mentioned either. I was just so beside myself last night thinking about her travelling, confused and in pain, everything else went out of the window.
The nurse last night said the discharge team would be arranging her care at home. Unfortunately I’ve tried numerous times to ring them and not managed it yet. Hopefully I’ll find out a more today.

Katyj, what is the purpose (if any) of the transfer? Will she be properly assessed there? It could be a positive move for her as there are specialist nurses, physiotherapists etc. in rehabilitation wards. Don't take the 'one day' as certain either. Doctors there may well want to do their own checks.

I'm assuming that she's had a needs assessment and there are proper arrangements in place for her return home. If not, that's next.

On past experience, I'd double check everything as it seems that communications often break down. Don't assume that things will run smoothly.

Will carers be available immediately when she's discharged? Is her GP informed? Does everybody have a copy of her care plan? Do they all have contact details for each other and you?

Do make enquiries about the times of care visits too. Things can go wrong:

My elderly neighbour, Frank, was sent home from hospital and nobody turned up to care on the first day.

His son lived abroad so he had to hit the party wall (with his walking stick) for quite some time to alert the lady next door to his plight.

He was weak, hungry and thirsty, but, apparently, everything was in place - for the following day!

(We kept an eye on him after that, of course.)

Still, all was not 'ideal'. Carers would come at 9.30am (when kids were at school) to get him up, dressed and fed. (We took him tea and toast at 7am.)

They'd put him to bed at 6pm (then home to their own families) He had a TV, drinks and pee bottle, thank Heavens - but a short day and long night!

One day, returning from school (so about 4pm) I could hear him shouting and cursing. The carer had left at about 10.30 am - but failed to leave his walking stick within reach - so he was stranded in his chair, desperate for a drink and the loo!

Absolutely furious with what’s happening to mum. I’ve been waiting for a phone call from the discharge team team for two days, nothing happened. I finally got to talk to mums nurse at 7pm last night, only to be told she was being taken to a rehabilitation ward at a hospital 25 miles away for 1 day .Apparently the ward she was on was a short stay ward and they need the bed, So they have transferred an old confused lady in a lot of pain, from where she fell ,in the cold to another hospital ,then she will be sent home under the care of the neighbourhood team. Don’t know what the world is coming to.

Hetty. Their is nothing else you could do, there comes a time when we have to think what’s best and safe for everybody that’s why it’s so difficult and heart rendering. Mums being sent home tomorrow with an assessment person to see if she can manage to dress and make herself something to eat. I can’t imagine they’ll take her back if she can’t ? At least they have said she’ll need carers 4 times a day but it’s the nights that worry me more.

Katyj, my mother had six week's rehabilitation after a stroke. She could just about stand, but refused to as it made her so dizzy. The discharge team told her, very bluntly, that returning home was out of the question - as she needed 24 hour care and hoisting.

She went into a care home (well, in fact, we tried three in her last year). Not ideal, not good enough, all are understaffed at night.

I dreaded the visits. She wasn't happy but we tried to make the best of things. It was a situation where there was no ideal solution or peace of mind. Still, I can't think what else (or more) we could have done. Being elderly ourselves, we simply couldn't look after her.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses.
I have a good friend who is a carer..I could never do what she does so well but she says it is different with her own parents, mid 80s, who both have health issues that need close monitoring. Her emotional involvement makes it hard.
I have other good friends who cared for their parents & they had no care/ medical experience.
It is not a competition to see who is the best son/ daughter by caring for a sick parent. Each must do what is right for their circumstances.
It seems unhelpful if a hospital is trying to send an elderly patient home before improving the condition that caused her to be admitted. Unless of course there is no treatment for the condition.

Thank you I was awake much of last night thinking about it all, I cant see her agreeing to a care home ,and I don’t have POA as she wouldn’t agree to it. We have a joint bank account, so the money side of things is no problem. It’s proving very difficult when you can’t see them.

katyj it might be an idea for you to start looking at local care homes for your Mum, my MIL went into hospital and they said that she was unable to look after herself any more ( even with careers) a week later my SIL had found a local Care Home and within 10 days she was in and sorted.
Because the staff were in uniform she thought she was in a convalescent home and was quite happy, sadly the Dementia worsened, but DHs family couldnt have coped any more.

When my dad was alive he was in hospital after a stroke. The doctor said he could go home to be looked after by my mum who was blind. I asked how that was going to work as my dad was unable to stand up unaided. The doctor then backtracked and said he didn't realise my dad couldnt stand up! Often hospitals want old and crumbly people out to free up bed space. We have to fight for our relatives at times to ensure they get adequate care. Hope your mum is soon a lot better Katyj.

Thank you May. You are right I was frightened, and wrote in a rush. I made the right decision though thank goodness. She’s still in hospital, they can’t seem to control her bp, the ward sister phoned yesterday morning to say her bp shot up through the night to over 200 ,she’d got up to use the toilet and has fallen again, luckily she is unhurt, but still sore from the fall on Saturday .
Their going to ring me in a couple of days to talk about what to do next. They don’t know wether she’ll be able to manage at home now, they said home or somewhere else. Whatever that means, probably rehabilitation or nursing home I would imagine.

I didn't think you sounded uncaring at all. Katyj I think you were angry and frightened that your mum was not being treated properly and was being sent home to you for you to sort out her problem. I would have been frantic. We can barely get to see a GP here. I think you totally did the right thing and stood your ground. I applaud you and hope your mum gets better soon

Mmm I’ve reread my first post it does sound a bit uncaring. I’m really not, it was because I was so cross with the dr wanting to send her home when I knew she was ill. She is still in hospital, bP still not stabilised and she has a temperature now too. She has tested negative for covid. But I realise more than ever that she’s in the right place, hopefully not for too long .

Katyj I’m so glad I read to the bottom of this post and all the replies as your initial post made my hackles rise as you sounded so unbelievably uncaring !
I can now understand where you’re coming from in trying to get someone to at least give the correct medication ... contact pals at the hospital and have a chat to them as they may well be able to help . Good luck

Reading all your stories I am now so grateful to the team who cared for my mum. I did wonder at times if they were doing all they could, but most of them were incredibly caring and supportive. Things could have been much worse. I hope all of you find support and care somewhere in the system for you and your relatives.

Thank you SparklyGrandma, I must admit it dented my faith in the NHS.

Well said ExD!

I was bullied into taking mu MIL into my home, the doc suggested it to me whilst she was sitting there in front of us. i said 'impossible' but he'd already found out from her that we had 3 bedrooms and no kids at home. When I pointed out we only had one bathroom he said he could organise a commode.
Eventually she came home with me although I was working and life became impossibe.
Don't do it - she refused to return to her own bungalow, became incontinent and developed dementia. I almost broke my marriage because my husband suddenly found things he 'had to do' or meetings he 'had to attend' in the evenings. She wouldn't stay to watch TV in her own room which we'd made into a kind of bed-sit but wanted full control of the remote in the living room.
Eventually it was me who fled to the bedroom (and nearly the marriage) until I persuaded DH she should be in a 'home'.
It was 'hell'.
NO no no you should not accept the responsibility.

Katyj

Selfish cow ?? Made me laugh. There’s always one bad apple.

I am glad you have been able to brush off the horrible comment. It was totally uncalled for and not helpful in the least. I feel anger on your behalf.

Your position is that it would be much easier for you just to let the hospital send mum home but you are taking the more caring route by ensuring she is being fully treated and hopefully assessed for any underlying conditions prior to discharge. Stay strong, it is a hard position to be in. I have been there.

Selfish cow ?? Made me laugh. There’s always one bad apple.

Saggi, I agree that it's time now to take action.

If he has mental capacity, he should sign a Lasting Power of Attorney, allowing you to deal with finances in the future.

If he doesn't have capacity (or flatly refuses to cooperate, which could indicate problems) you can insist on having him assessed. You may need to be cruel (temporarily absent) to be kind:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/looking-after-people/managing-affairs-for-someone-else/#when_does_someone_lack_mental_capacity

maddyone. I agree with you. I can’t believe someone can write that.

I don't expect or want any of my four to look after me. In fact, I've expressly told them they're not to.

I didn't have them so that they could care for me - now, that would be selfish!

Houndi - it's just not that simple.

If KatyJ agreed to her mother returning home, she'd just be allowing her mother to be put in danger.

I think she's being thoughtful, sensible and responsible.

btw - I will be reporting your spiteful remark!

Houndi
That is a disgusting thing to say to the poster. I haven’t words to describe how I feel about that unfeeling remark. I would ask to have it removed but I think others should see what you’re like.

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