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AIBU

Husband does not want a party

(152 Posts)
Kartush Sat 10-Oct-20 08:13:21

My husband will be 70 next week. That's a pretty good milestone I think and most people have a party or whatever. We have an issue however, my husbands sister was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago, she had kemo and went into remission. About a month ago she was told the cancer had returned and was in her spine from her neck to her pelvis.
There is no cure for this, she is on kemo again which will slow down the disease but that's all.
My husband and his sister are not all that close, in fact a lot of the time he has issues with a lot of things she does but he has decided he does not want a big party for his birthday as it would be inappropriate to celebrate turning 70 when she is not going to reach that age. I don't have a problem with that.
Anyhoo he told me to tell this to our daughters who said ok no big party but how about they just invite us round to dinner on his birthday. I mentioned this to him and he said well ok.
I understand the no big party thing I do, well mostly I do, lets say I understand that's how he feels and its his feelings so he has a right to them. But, I just told him about the invitation to dinner and he said "why" and I said well they just wanted to make you dinner for your birthday. He was less than enthusiastic and said " you told them no big party right". Honestly, it is pizza and chilli on the back deck of our youngest daughters house, there will only be our kids, its not even a party just pizza and chilli. Our girls love him and they want to share his birthdays with him because as our youngest says he's not getting any younger and he has polycystic kidney disease and who knows when his last birthday will be.
Is it unreasonable to want that, to want to just have him over for dinner?
The reality is that his sister is not going to die next week, she's not going to die this year and she may not die next year.
I am wondering if there is something else going on but when I ask him he just says no.

Lulubelle500 Sun 11-Oct-20 16:38:25

I agree with the posts that say it's his birthday, let him choose! Unless he actually wants to be talked into it. (After the six only rule is lifted of course.) I love a just family party myself, nowadays we have to take it in turns 'though to cut the numbers to six. What I want most, however, is not to have to have a picture of me at the party posted on line without showing it to me first! (I'm told this is just vanity on my part 'though...)

beverly10 Sun 11-Oct-20 16:03:12

HIS choice HIS birthday and HIS sister. That should be enough so why not let the decision be up to him??
My deepest sympathy to your husband and courage to his sister.

2mason16 Sun 11-Oct-20 15:58:18

Let him have it his way! It was my OH's 70th 2 wks ago. NO party please he said. So I booked a lovely cottage in Shrewsbury for a long weekend. Our son and family were able to meet up with us and booked a birthday meal in a nice quiet restaurant. He was more than happy 😍😍

Riggie Sun 11-Oct-20 15:48:13

Up to him.

But if my family were to organise a party when they specifically know I dont want one and just dont like parties anyway then I would be very amnoyed and upset. At the very least they would be having the party without me as I would walk out!!

BelindaB Sun 11-Oct-20 15:44:21

Many years ago, when I was heading for 60, I caught a look between a friend and my son and rapidly worked out that they were planning a surprise party for me. Or possibly, for them as anyone who knows me knows how I would loathe that.

I trumped the lot of 'em. A week before my birthday I told them that I would be away for that weekend and then booked a flight to Dublin and spent a lovely, relaxed long weekend with someone who respected my wishes.

I'll never forget my friends face when I told her. "But you ca.." she said and then bit her lip. Oh yes I can, I said. And did.

Funny how life goes. She reached 60 a couple of years ago and begged everyone to leave her in peace!

And yes, I gave in to temptation and said "Now you know how I felt".

aonk Sun 11-Oct-20 15:09:19

I’m lucky that there are no worries in my family at the moment. I have a big birthday next Spring and my DDs are already talking about it. I’m dreading it. Whatever happens I shan’t feel comfortable in 2021 until that day has passed. I do know however that I’m so very fortunate to have such a caring family in case anyone sees me as ungrateful.

Corkie91 Sun 11-Oct-20 15:04:35

Its his birthday, his choice, never had a milestone party I hate them .My husbands family love surprise parties and I threw one for him on his 65 which he enjoyed Have warned him never to do it to me or I will walk out

Jane10 Sun 11-Oct-20 14:58:31

I also hate parties. For my 60th there was a risk of one so I just organised an event that I actually wanted. I booked a posh afternoon tea at a local 5* hotel for my close friends and family and people I really liked. It was lovely.

cupcake1 Sun 11-Oct-20 13:49:54

Totally agree Bluebell I to wish posters would read previous threads! The OP has also said her DH is now ok with going to the daughter for a meal.

Saggi Sun 11-Oct-20 13:46:48

I don’t like parties for myself. .... all that enforced smiling for hours on end I didn’t even want a wedding reception!! Odd I know ,but that’s me , and luckily my husband. But I do enjoy the odd family ‘get together ‘ sort of party.. unfortunately my husband doesn’t much as he’s really unsociable , but he goes , he chats, he smiles. Trouble is , he’s not a ‘mans man’...he can’t talk about cars, tools, decorating, politics...all he likes is football and trains, if somebody likes one of those two subjects he’s off and running...if not he wants out of there a.s.a.p. He makes the effort for my sake. But since he’s hit 70 ( four years ago)...he no more does anything to suit anybody ( even me)...I understand! I’m 70 in December ....I’m hoping everybody forgets!!

Chewbacca Sun 11-Oct-20 13:06:26

Why doesn’t anybody read at least the original posters Subsequent posts before writing there answers

Rule of 6 doesn't apply for the OP. She has already said that she isn't in the UK and so is allowed 30. But it's a moot point anyway cos her OH doesn't want a party! grin

BlueBelle Sun 11-Oct-20 12:58:07

Oh for crying out loud firsllweknow read my post above yours !!! You are not the only one there are loads of people saying rule of 6 etc etc
Why doesn’t anybody read at least the original posters Subsequent posts before writing there answers

sparklingsilver28 Sun 11-Oct-20 12:54:19

Some men and women do not want party's to celebrate what others consider milestones. In fact, some do not want to be reminded of growing older. In my case, I hate a fuss and parties certainly never on my agenda. A quiet meal shared with my family, where and when possible, always lovely.

Madmother21 Sun 11-Oct-20 12:31:35

How about you cook him his favourite meal at home? Perhaps you could invite your daughters too, then you’re all together but he feels in control because he’s in his own home. My husband much prefer to be at home than anywhere else.

4allweknow Sun 11-Oct-20 12:13:33

Rule of 6 will apply. Hope weather is kind for outdoor meal. Not everyone has a party for reaching milestone birthdays. Both of us hate those kind of celebrations. Always had a celebration together. Think your DH is being very sensitive to his family situation not wanting to make it into an event. Make sure his wishes are respected.

biba70 Sun 11-Oct-20 12:05:59

whether you could have one or not is irrelevant- he doesn't want one- so you should respect his wishes.

BlueBelle Sun 11-Oct-20 12:01:59

grandtante poster is in Australia and can have 30 she said upthread

BlueBelle Sun 11-Oct-20 12:01:03

This thread has done me no end of good because I was so hesitant to say I don’t really enjoy parties I feel self conscious and it’s especially bad if you don’t know many people I was staying at my sonS a couple of Christmas s ago and they love their parties and had a big one I knew very few people their felt very very out of place although everyone was lovely and inclusive but half way through I quietly disappeared to the bedroom for half an hour to try and regain myself the other Nan and Grandad were in the middle of it all sloshing the old drink back, maybe that’s the answer I m not that much of a drinker
andy nannan2 hugonot please read the thread the poster has explained she’s in Australia where she can have 30 people together HOWEVER that doesn’t stop the fact that the man don’t want a party, so have your own party when you’re 70 kartush and leave him alone to celebrate as he wishes 😂
A surprise party would be my form of hell

grandtanteJE65 Sun 11-Oct-20 12:00:55

Parties are possible, it all depends where you live.

In Denmark we can be up to fifty people at a party, concert, football match or the like.
Not certain the OP is in the UK.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 11-Oct-20 11:59:24

Frankly, I think you and your daughters have to respect your husband's feelings.

Tell the girls to drop dinner on his birthday - they can invite you and him to dinner some other day.

I didn't have a big birthday while my sister was dying of brain cancer, but if I had, I would have reacted precisely as your husband is doing.

I don't know what you are basing your sister-in-law's prognosis on, but to me it sounds optimistic in the extreme when you say she isn't going to die either this year or next.

If she does live on, your husband will accustom himself to the thought of her illness and probably want to go out and about again.

Oldbat1 Sun 11-Oct-20 11:57:09

Always hated parties. I would like cards only. No fuss at all. Where we are no mixing, no visiting others houses with likelihood (quite rightly) of even stricter shutdown. Just want everyone I know to remain safe and well.

KPnut60 Sun 11-Oct-20 11:56:31

Where do you live? You cant have a party anyway, there is a global pandemic atm.... Leave the guy alone and do what he prefers for his Birthday.. I would walk out of a surprise party if done for me.. Everyone is different.

Sadgrandma Sun 11-Oct-20 11:51:11

I think that his sister's illness may well have got him thinking about his own mortality and reaching 70 has magnified this. I wouldn't say any more about it and just give him his card and present on the day and remind him you're both going to your daughters. I'm sure he will not want to upset her.

Nannan2 Sun 11-Oct-20 11:38:51

Well apparently people all over- especially in US are doing what they want anyway.Copying Trump.😡

Jane10 Sun 11-Oct-20 11:36:21

It's all academic anyway as parties are just not possible these days.